Between my education and family; what do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age. My father died in the year I was born. His only legacy to me is an old diary where he inscribed his desire for me to be a graduate. I left secondary school in 2001. Severally I have tried to gain admission into the university but have kept failing in my bid. At a point, I had to leave home to enroll in the Nigerian Police Force. While there, I noticed it wasn’t in line with my dream so I left and started to look for ways to satisfy my father’s dream for me. I have written JAMB for times and even wrote the one 2013. I scored 202 for economics or accounting. The reason I am writing you is that I am married with three children. I don’t know if I should relocate them to my village to enable me fulfill my father’s dream for me or not. What should I do? Freeman. Dear Freeman, There is nothing wrong with having a burning ambition especially one that has to do with education and one’s quest for economic empowerment. Ordinarily, your determination to get a premium education is commendable. But the draw back here is, your blinded quest to get an education to the exclusion of every other person, including the welfare of your children. In addition, this dream is more of your father’s than yours. Are you sure you have what it takes to execute the dream of a dead man? Apart from the dream of your late father, what is your dream? Do you have any of your own? What do you want for yourself as well as for your children? If at 30 you are still pursuing the vision of your late father, when will you have the time to have positive dreams of your own as well as plan the future of your children? There is no you, without those children. Therefore, you must factor in their future and well being into your father’s dream for you. I am sure your late father didn’t plan for you to mortgage the future of your own children in-order to satisfy his dreams for you. Like every good father, he left you with a work plan for your future; one intended to ginger you into success. At 30, with three children, what kind of plans are you putting in place for them? I am sure if your father didn’t call you a graduate, the kind of desires you have to become one, would never have been born in you. So taking those children to the village while you redeem your father’s dream is intended to achieve what? What plans do you have for them in the village? If the village was very good, why did you come to the city to realize your dream? Unfortunately for you, being married means you cannot take such a fundamental decision without first discussing it with your immediate family as well as making provisions for their welfare while you achieve your own excessive desire to become a graduate. To succeed, you need the support and understanding of your wife. Don’t forget you are no longer a bachelor. You have dependants whose lives are interwoven into your decisions. It would be so unfair to package and send them to the village without first discussing the consequences of your decisions on their future. You cannot afford to behave as if you have no responsibilities or obligations to these people. Like you, they too have needs, dreams and feelings. The issue here is not just sending them to the village. Who are they going to meet there and what would be their main means of survival? What plans do you have for the education of the children? Don’t forget that children begin school from an early age these days. What kind of life exists in your village to make the children as comfortable as they are here? In another four years, what would be the outlook of your children? How would life in the village life have affected their psychologies? Marriage is about discussions and joint decisions on important issues as the one you are about to make. Your wife will be the one who has to live with the situation and cope with having to care for three children in your absence. She is the one who has to combine your roles with hers. If you want this marriage to work, don’t exclude her at all. Sit her down and ask for her opinion on this matter. It is important you get her express support before moving ahead with your decision to gain a university education on full time basis. You may not realize it now, your wife is the key to the success of this dream. If she is against it, you can be sure, you may not return to a complete family. Therefore, you must have her full support else you risk losing her and the respect of your children. Only an irresponsible father abandons his children without proper plans. No matter how strong your desire to have better education is, the welfare of your children overrides every other consideration, including your current effort at JAMB. You don’t invite children into the world without making sacrifices for them. Therefore, this isn’t your decision to make. It is the resolution of your children to make. It is their right to have their father’s attention and presence. Because the children are still tender, you may have to consider your options especially as you are considering a full time course. If you don’t have enough funds to provide for them during those years you would be in school, it may not be so easy on your wife. You must think of something for her to do to supplement whatever you are able to bring while in school. Your ambition should not eclipse your vision to the attendant challenges ahead. You could still have an education without sacrificing the future of your family, especially those innocent children whose lives are anchored on whatever you make of yours. Married men, who go back to school, don’t opt for full time unless they have more than enough to care for their families. From your story, you are a struggling man. Part time programmes are for people like you; who have responsibilities, have to work while they struggle to have an education. Had you considered that, you would have since finished instead of wasting precious time on writing entrance examinations. Granted it may be a little prohibitive in terms of cost, but it will give you time to be with your family, look for a means of livelihood and protect your home from emotional starvation. Although you didn’t say what your wife is into but your decision to send them to the village means she isn’t engaged in anything worthwhile. This means you must also consider arming her with a kind of trade to make things easy on you. Don’t forget that going to school isn’t only about paying tuition fees; you must also pay for handouts, registration and other expenses associated with being in school. No matter how hardworking you are, you need extra help from your wife to float because children don’t understand the word, lack. You cannot put their lives on hold to satisfy yours. Life is about planning. Even though you have always wanted to go back to school, you never planned how your life and those of your family would run while this dream is on. Blinded ambition can be very destructive. Every plan must have a reality socket to make it succeed. Any plan that doesn’t put your children on the front burner will not end well because they are the reason for your struggles in life. Your answer will become very clear only after you have taken all these issues into consideration. Good luck.

She is very careless

Dear Agatha, Måay God bless you. Please treat my problem as very urgent, as your advice would go a long way in helping me make the right choice. I met this girl online in February. Within a month of our relationship, we met and spent some time together, including having sex in the State where she is serving. To be honest, we love each other. But after the visit, she started complaining that I was not being matured in the way I was acting. She went on to accuse me of being domineering. Sometime later, she started flirting with different men but she never had sex. She also told me not to trust her much because she shouldn’t be trusted. But there was this particular guy she told me has been persistent in asking her out. Under interrogation, she told me she has kissed him and a week ago, confessed cheating on me with the man. She did that without protection and even permitted the man to ejaculate inside her. She confessed all this amid tears. She’s been begging me to forgive her, which I did instantly. But whenever I remember the fact that she cheated on me without protection, I become livid and willing to do anything to revenge just to be even. Now, I’d be travelling out of the country for about two years, but she has promised never to be anything more than to be a platonic friend to a man. She said she would do anything to make me happy, even if the news of my imminent travel leads her to cheat on me. Please, what do you think? Confused boyfriend. Dear Confused Boyfriend, I don’t want to sound discouraging or judgmental but be careful you don’t end up hurting yourself because you are already building castles in the air with someone you hardly know at all. There are so many gaps already in this relationship which you must be bold enough to address as a man. First is the issue of what you understand by love as well as your perception of a good relationship. You cannot achieve much in any relationship if you don’t first define these two things. Granted people fall in love at first sight but for that love to endure, it comes with plenty of understanding as well as responsibilities. There is really nothing on ground between the two of you to make this girl faithful to you. So far, she doesn’t have any reason to because over the years, she has cultivated a kind of lifestyle that has been working for her. If you both met through the internet and within a month of that you are having sex, what makes you think she can behave differently with another man? Just like you both met through the internet, she can meet another man through the same channel and decide to have sex with him like you both did. She is a free bird, who is ready to tweet with any man she finds interesting. To invest too much emotions on a woman whose background you don’t know, whose kind of lifestyle you aren’t bothering to investigate, is to offer your heart for emotional pains. There is more to relationship than having sex. Certain things must be on ground to make sex between a couple wonderful. Whatever you both have been having, is pure physical exercise which lacks the bond, trust or demand for faithfulness you are trying to make her give you. Sincerely, there is nothing between the two of you to warrant the kind of things you are expecting from her. What more, she has been bold enough to tell you the truth. She isn’t the kind of girl you should invest too much emotion on. If she can have sex with you within days of your knowing her, what gives you the impression that she is doing so for the first time or that you would be the only man in her life from that point? In addition, beyond having sex, what did you offer her? What kinds of plans did you go with when you went to visit her? Beyond expecting good sex from her, did you bother to find out anything about her or why she would be sleeping with a man she hardly knows on their first meeting? Be truthful here, would you have considered her worth your while, if she had refused you sex? Did you try to prevent her from sleeping with you with the argument that it was too early and that you wanted to get to know her first? What structures have you put in place between the two of you to make her become a celibate when you travel? If you didn’t go with the mind of having her for keeps, why should you be hurt about her what she does with her body? Doubtless, she is still on a jolly ride of exploration of all the thrills she can get from different men. You will be embarking on an impossible mission trying to curtail someone who isn’t ready to be caged. Really, expecting her to be faithful to you would be asking for too much because she has no reasons to be. The impersonality of the internet coupled with her attitude to sex means she is a free bird. If within four months of meeting her, she has had sex with you and another man she confessed to having unprotected sex with; doesn’t that tell you anything about her nature and beliefs? Trust in a relationship doesn’t begin after marriage; it begins to take root from the very first moments you both agreed to become an item. If you want this lady to change, you also have to change. You cannot go about having sex with women on your first date and expect the woman you had sex with to become a saint overnight. Relationship is a dual way thing. Both of you must agree to abandon whatever baggage you have acquired over the years for the purpose of making what you are trying to grow, work. This is where sincerity of purpose comes in. You want her to be faithful to you despite what you know about her. But are you too ready to be faithful to her, giving her every assurance that you will always be there for her and that she doesn’t have to look the way of any other man because with you, she has found a place of rest? Have you made the sacrifice of drawing her out to talk about her person, family and dreams? There is no relationship without this kind of effort at getting to meet the person inside of her. The image of the girl you know isn’t her real self. You must make the effort of getting to know the person her experiences, decisions, friends and society have made her masked inside her body. That is the person you must find by having an honest conversation with her. You must know the point, she decided in life to be who she is currently. There is no decent girl that goes about having sex with strange men and without protection too on first date. This angle should worry you because it shows recklessness as well as total lack of appreciation for her health as well as other men she would be having sex with. A woman who has plans for herself in life doesn’t take such profound risks. So your first responsibility towards her is to sit her down for a lecture on why she should never attempt such risks, especially in these days and age. Let her know sleeping with a strange man without protection could ruin her life completely as well as the lives of any other man she is having sex with. The fact alone that she didn’t consider she could become pregnant alone is a worry you should not ignore. There is something more than sex involved here. If you really want her for keeps, don’t sweep these issues under the carpet else they will come back to hunt you in particular, in future. For a woman you appear to be having plans for, it is in your interest to know how many abortions she has done and in the kinds of hospitals she did them. This is to prevent a situation where you would be running blindly from pillar to post in future searching for a baby whereas, the cause of her problem is what she did with her womb when she was young. First make up your mind what you want from her before sitting her down for a talk and the options you have come up with. Any promise or demand you make outside this would end up being a nullity because it won’t come from her mind. She has to make up her mind to quit her current lifestyle before any good seed can be planted in her life. Good luck

She wants me to fight her ex’s woman

Dear Agatha, I am writing this on behalf of my friend who left her husband and children to pursue a relationship she was having at that time. We all knew they had been having issues in their marriage until she left. In fairness to the husband, he didn’t send her away; she left of her own free will and even went to court to get a divorce from him. As one of her close friends, I knew the men she was involved with. But when it became a messy court case, I had to stay away to avoid being implicated by her very angry husband in the whole court process. Besides, my husband warned me against taking sides with her since he never really liked her attitude and person. Since then, she has kept her distance from me; having accused me of not being a good friend to her when she needed me. But about last year, she came back suddenly and expressed a desire for us to become friends again. I really didn’t know why but I got to know when I heard that her husband after several years of being alone has finally found happiness in the arms of another woman. She wants me to accompany her, not to beg her ex husband but to beat up the new woman in the life of the man. I have told her to move on with her life since she was the one who ended the marriage but she is as usual adamant and wants us like we used to do when we were in secondary school to go and fight this woman. Another thing is that her mother is the one encouraging her in her behavior. There is no well meaning advice that her mother doesn’t puncture. If she didn’t have the backing of her mother, she would never have packed out of her matrimonial home or sued for divorce. Like I told you earlier, my husband doesn’t want her near me but she is determined to stick to me like glue. Her mother even called to accuse me of abandoning my friend in her time of need. I don’t know what she wants me to do. The husband doesn’t even talk to me because he knows I knew about her infidelity and supported it. I feel guilty about my role in the whole matter. I have asked God for forgiveness and really looking for a way to go and apologise to the man. To accept go and fight the woman in his life would be ending whatever hope I have to make amends with that man whose only offence was loving and marrying my friend. Please help me make a quick decision so as not to lose my own home too. Worried Friend. Dear Worried Friend, From where I stand, there is really nothing to worry about in this whole thing. It is a simple matter of refusing to dance to the tune your friend is playing. You are after all an adult who is very capable of making her own decisions. Why should you be bothered about an issue she cannot force you to do? The truth is, the decision and authority to get involved are yours to make. She cannot make the decision for you or force you into going to fight a woman that hasn’t offended you. It would be foolishness on your part to engage in such an act given the fact that your friend is no longer married to this man and has a matte of fact gone to court to terminate the marriage. so on what premise would you be joining her to fight this woman? What offence did this woman commit? Was she the one that forced your friend to vacate her home? There is no way the man can remain single for the rest of his life. He has a right to find the kind of happiness and peace he never got from your friend in the arms of another woman. If this man were the one who drove her away, perhaps, she would have had a good reason for contemplating her action but since she left of her own volition, she lacks the merit to fight this woman. As for her mother calls and accusation, explain to the mother that you accepting to be part of her daughter’s plans would affect your home as your husband would not take kindly to you rubbishing his name by engaging in a public fight. That as a mother too, you owe your children the responsibility of being a good role model which makes it impossible for you to even contemplate what she and her daughter are asking you to do. Finally, remind your friend’s mother that you have no right to interfere in this matter as it doesn’t concern you in anyway. In the first place, what would you tell the Police, is your interest in beating up another man’s wife should the matter degenerate to calling in the Police? How would you explain to your husband that you left your house to fight another woman in the house of her man? Tell the Police you were acting on the pressure of your friend? Is that the story or image you want your children to have of you? If the law can excuse your friend’s involvement in the fight, given the fact that the man in question is her ex, you cannot escape prosecution should this woman press for charges. Good wisdom demands that you allow her carry her burden alone. You cannot claim to have a perfect marriage but you decided to stay nevertheless. If her marriage was important to her, she wouldn’t have packed out leaving her children at the mercy of the man or any woman he would bring to share his life. This is what happens when a woman thinks she can eat and have her cake. To stop them from bothering you, be bold enough to tell your friend the truth as you see it. Let her know that if she continues to dance to whatever her mother says, she will never have the presence of mind to live her life. Since the man has moved on, tell her to do the same. I am sure if those men didn’t disappoint her, she wouldn’t have bothered about the woman in her husband’s life. One would have thought she would be more concerned about the welfare of her children and looking for someone to help beg her ex to give her access to see her children. A woman who left her children with a man should be bothered and find ways of getting people to beg the ex to forgive her so that she can be reconciled with her children, and not to complicate things for herself. You could stop taking her calls or that of her mother’s for that matter. And when she comes to your house, tell her, if she is refusing to be reasonable that your husband doesn’t want to see you and her together again. It is a situation of you standing by who and what is important to you. It is either you stand by your husband and home or your friend in this matter. There are no two ways about it. Good luck.

My younger lover dumped me with pregnancy

Dear Agatha, I am 40, divorced and with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man who works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice. Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it. Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and good music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night, he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise, but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him. Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me. I was very angry at this; that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude, it was like raping him. At the point, I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me. It was then I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to abort the pregnancy will result in my death. I was not planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13, so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned, but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me, since I am all they have right now. The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. when I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of it, that there was no way he would accept responsibility for the child, that he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year, hence he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it. How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man 14 years my junior who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future about the father, especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address. What more! There is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all. My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now. What should I do, Agatha? Maria. Dear Maria, First things first. Settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good. The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as ‘one of those things’. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are. Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk, if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for gossips. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip. So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated ‘successfully’ from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from. From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding schools. Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone. This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God you didn’t consult but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life. Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child, but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth. A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all. Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent: the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection. Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change. Good luck!

They love and drop me

Dear Agatha, I am a 20 year old girl. My life is full of pains. The first guy I dated for five years left me because while we were dating, I also dated other guys. When he was leaving me, he cited my past as a reason for his inability to go further with me. After he left, I dated another guy who left me without any ceremony. He actually left me the day I went for my JAMB results. Fortunately, I met another guy almost immediately. From the beginning, he warned me never to lie to him as it would mark the end of our relationship if he gets to find out. I ignored this warning and kept lying to him but, one day, I sat myself down and made up my mind to stop lying to him; unfortunately, this decision came too late. After a while, he didn’t believe anything I told him, even the bit about my decision to be honest with him. One day, I called him to find out about his well-being. He told me he couldn’t eat so I decided to pay him a visit only for me to find another girl in his house. I don’t know why men are always breaking up with me. Please help me; I need a man that will love and care for me. Sandra Dear Sandra, You don’t know why men are always breaking up with you? In any of these men’s shoes, will you be serious with a woman who has your reputation with men? A woman who cannot be trusted where men are concerned? What man would want to keep you in his life if all you do is trade your body among different men? Every man likes a woman he can trust for keeps. When it comes to pleasure hunt, they will come to you because they know you are a free game but when it comes to being serious, they will look for a woman who is more reserved. If at your age of 20, you are already engaged in the game of duplicity and multiple dating, I shudder to think what you will do when you are older and more desperate to settle down. Going by your given age, you started dating at the tender age of 15 when you should be more serious with your education. Had you been more serious with your life and educational pursuit, you shouldn’t be struggling to gain admission into the university by now. You should either be in the university or almost graduating. This is enough to tell you to get more serious with your life because men at your age are a huge distraction. As a woman, you will soon begin to experience depreciation if you don’t apply the breaks urgently in the kind of lifestyle you have expressed interest in. The fact of life is, men and woman will never get tired of each other. We would always be part of each other’s lives. When you get to that age, nobody will caution or tell you what to do with your body. If you really want to make the difference in your life, it isn’t another man you should be looking for. Rather, you should be thinking of ways of salvaging your ragged reputation by looking for ways of improving on yourself academically as well as socially. From the reactions of the different men to you, it should warn you that you are beginning to acquire a reputation that isn’t too good for a promising young lady. If you are not careful, by the time you really want to settle down to the business of looking for a life-partner, you may not be able to handle the backlash of your current life style. Only very few men would stick their necks out to marry a woman who has acquired a very downbeat reputation. The last thing you need now is a mistake which could come in the form of a stubborn pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or any of the less but more harmful diseases that can be acquired through unprotected sex. There is also the more complex one of managing a damaged womb or secondary case of infertility. The woman’s life and physiology is complex; too complicated too be left to chance. As a young lady desirous of a very bright and secured future, learn to be more discriminatory so you can have a reputation worth a good man’s attention and determination. Therefore for the time being, forget about anything that has to do with men to enable you concentrate on making your papers and going to any tertiary institution of your choice. Once you gain admission and stabilize, you are free to date as long as the purpose of your going to school isn’t lost to you. Good luck.

He piles her with gifts to make me jealous

Dear Agatha, In my school, there is this particular boy I always played with to the extent my classmates started calling me by his name. I didn’t have any interest in him until now. Although he told me once he loved and liked me, but, he had also asked a girl in my class for friendship after he told me that. This made me to reject his gifts and to advise him to be careful on how he spends money on girls. He now spends a lot on this girl in my class. Recently, he gave her a gold necklace. He went on to accuse me of not allowing him or any other boy touch me. What should I do? Judith. Dear Judith, Forget about him. What he is doing is to make you jealous and submit to his advances out of a desire to keep him. Don’t allow him blackmail you to submission. The quality of a properly brought up woman is her self preservation. You have to be resolute in your determination to project that which is important to your life. Any man or boy who accuses you of not allowing you or any man touch you isn’t a friend of yours. Any sensible girl should keep a safe distance from such a man. Don’t under any circumstances exchange your body for gifts from any man. His statement that you are not allowing him touch or any boy get close to you should sound an alarm bell to you that he is only trying to make you submit your body to him. Without any ambiguity that statement should tell you the kinds of thoughts he has towards you. When a man loves a woman, touching or seeing her body would be the last thing on his mind. A man that means well for you will help you grow especially at this tender age of your development. Since your aim of being in school is to get an education, ignore this boy or his friends and concentrate on getting valuable education. Don’t forget that your parents are making extreme sacrifices by sending you to school and would be very disappointed if you end up wasting all their efforts through wrongly motivated decisions. This should interest you more than any feelings or considerations you may have for this boy whose source of income you don’t even know. Isn’t it obvious that his source of funds is questionable given the fact that he is also a student like you? Be careful you don’t end up with the wrong kind of company in your bid to be relevant to anybody or group of persons in your school. Nobody is worth you giving up your future for. The reason you are in school isn’t to become popular but to get an education and become useful to the society. There is plenty of time for you to be liked and retain the attention of that special man. Always remember life comes in different seasons. Your current season is to plan and plant for that all important future. Therefore follow the natural progress of every season, to be happy in life. Good luck.

How do I manage my time?

Dear Agatha, You have been a help to many people. I believe you can help me. I ride Okada after I close from work every day. If I try to read, I find myself sleeping. I can’t even read up to one hour but I really want to further my education and enhance my career. What do I do? Peace Maker. Dear Peace Maker, Learn to manage your time very well. There is no way you will be alert to read in the night after the rigors of going through Okada business after close of your normal work schedule. Reading is itself hectic. Without proper concentration, you cannot make any headway out of it. This is why you must create time out of no time to ensure you achieve your desire to contribute your quota to the society through sound education. Since it is obvious that you need money to achieve your dream of being educated, you must find way around the challenge of doing additional job. It is either you find another job that will give you sufficient time to read in the night or dedicate certain days of the week for reading. This means you don’t have to do your commercial bicycle business all the days of the week. The reason you are always tired is because you don’t give yourself time between the two jobs you do to rest. Once you get back from work on the days you have set aside to study, rest for a while to enable you wake up in the night to read. You must also appreciate the essence of reading for comprehension. To excel you must have a good grasp of the subject you are studying. This means you are not just reading to pass but also to be knowledgeable on what you are studying for. As in everything in life, determination is what you need to make the difference. The journey of life is never smooth. It comes with very rough turns. When you come across such difficult turns, never give up just hold on to your dreams. It is important. Good luck.

After fondling me, he ignores my calls

Dear Agatha, I am 15 years old. Because of what my brother did, I promised never to get involved with any man. But I suddenly found myself liking a boy of 19 who coaxed me into being his girlfriend. I was head over heels in love with him. I allowed him to break all my rules. I allowed him to give me my first kiss and during the process, gave him permission to touch my breasts. I was scared but he talked me into it. He was a wonderful boyfriend and great listener. All of a sudden, he stopped calling me. Being a stubborn girl, I refused to call him first. It continued for a while. Eventually, I decided to call him but he wouldn’t pick. My sister knew about him and she is now mocking me. I feel so bad and don’t know what to do. I cannot tell our adopted mother because she would kill me. I feel so lost and cannot tell anyone. I am lucky it didn’t affect my SSCE. My dad is so proud of me because I will finish my education early. But this experience has left a big scar deep inside of me. Please help me. A. Dear A, Beyond the issue of your pride as a promising young girl who prided herself on self discipline, thank God nothing fundamental happened between the two of you. This experience should teach you not to trust any man or allow yourself to be in the company of a man until you are ready for the responsibilities that go with being intimate with a man. At your age, you are like a defenseless animal in a jungle full of ferocious animals looking for a prey to devour. It takes wisdom and not strength, for the weak to escape a predator. As a young girl, you must have your thinking cap on all the time because you are on the display table for all manner of men to conquer. They will come in their dozens to indicate interest in you because you are fresh, young and full of promises. Don’t mind them because this isn’t your right season to fly. When that time comes, you would have been better prepared to cope and make a choice. But at 15, your studies should be more paramount in your mind because any slight mistake, you are doomed for life. I am sure, you don’t want to be tending to nappies and crying baby when your mates are in school and acquiring good education. Nature hasn’t given any kind of responsibilities to men when it comes to the issue of pregnancy. It is the woman’s body that nature has given such assignments. There is nothing physical to announce to the world that this man has been sexually active or is about to become a father. Even if it is your first time and you get pregnant, the whole world will brand you names you are not because of the evidence provided everybody by your protruding stomach and a baby tagging you. At 15, you need the help of every experienced adult so don’t mind what your adopted mother would say. It is best you tell her so that she would know how to protect you the more. Don’t forget she has more experience than you; having gone through the road you are on long before you were born. Yes, she is bound to express anger at your foolishness, given the fact that you could easily have allowed the body gone the whole length of the game. The realization that you came within seconds of becoming a premature mother is enough to frighten any reasonable mother of a female teenager out of her skin. The anger would help you remember not to put yourself in such compromising situation and to always have it at the back of your mind that the angel boy that comes with all kinds of promises could very well turn to a monster after he has had his way the next minute. It is always better you confide in adults on issues that have to do with your sexuality and romance until you have developed the intelligence, responsibility and wisdom to withstand the avalanche of interests from men your entrance into the world would cause you. As for your sister, be wary of her. No matter what, she should be at the vanguard of those protecting you from yourself as well as from the predators in town. For her to be the one mocking you, calls for concern. This is another reason you must tell your adopted mother. Don’t ever be afraid of being scolded if it will help prevent a fatal mistake in your life. It will also remove from your sister the power of blackmailing you into doing her wish. Remember your father will only be proud of you if you are focused. Don’t disappoint him by doing anything that will bring pains to him. Bear this in mind by avoiding any situation that will make you to be alone with any man. A harmless kiss could easily get out of hand to being something you cannot manage. No matter how strong willed a woman is, even adult women; the moment she allows herself to be alone with a man in a room, anything can happen because the chemistry between a man and woman is very volatile which can go into flames any minute. This is why you find even adult women making costly mistakes. The best attitude is to avoid any compromising situation. Besides, you have the whole of your adult life to get intimate with a man. When it is time for you to, nobody would stop you. But now is your planting season; the time to colour your future in the shades you want. Yes, you have every right to feel bad at the manner he treated you afterwards. For a second, imagine how bad you would really have felt if he had gone farther than he went; the reason you must be careful with men generally. If it is of any help, you are not the first young girl to have her fantasy and trust crushed by the object of her interest. The secret is to forget him and move on with every dignity you have. Even if he tells stories about you later, pretend you didn’t hear a thing and move on with your plans. Just learn to be focused from now on. Good luck

My uncle isn’t my cousin’s father

Dear Agatha, I am 17 years of age. My parents died in a fatal accident which necessitated my coming to stay with my maternal uncle who in addition to being very nice had always loved me, as his own. My mother was his immediate younger sister and they were very close. From since I can remember, he treated me as his child. When my mother died and my paternal family wanted me to come over to them, he refused insisting I was better off with him. Although his wife hasn’t ever said anything otherwise but, I know in a way, she resents my presence. Initially, I confided in my uncle who surprising didn’t protest what I told him. Instead, he pleaded with me to keep ignoring his wife that she is the cross he and I have to bear for sometime. To ensure I lacked for nothing, he gives me pocket money every week in addition to paying a fixed amount into an account he opened for me every month. He told me never to touch the money; that it was his way of securing my future should anything happen to him. I got to know about the money and account because he gave me the passbook which he instructed me to keep away from anywhere his wife or daughter would see it. Recently, he took an education policy for me. He also told me not to disclose this to his wife or daughter. I will be going to the university later this year. His only child from his wife is a year older than I am. I have tried to be her friend but she and her mother keep pushing me away. She is also very rude; always gossiping with her mother about my brother and my mother’s family. Severally, they talk negatively about my uncle; calling him that fool. One day, I overhead them abusing my late mother; calling her names simply because, my mother never supported her brother’s decision to marry her. That isn’t even the problem now. There is this man that keeps coming to visit her whenever my uncle is out of town. Once he came when my uncle who was to travel that morning changed his plans at the very last minute. He was supposed to travel that day but changed his mind just as he entered his car. He was still outside the compound when the man came. He must have acted on the previous information he had concerning my uncle’s movement because he came about five minutes after the time my uncle should have left. Anyway, through the introduction, I got to know he was related to them. If my uncle believed the story, I don’t know but from the way my uncle’s wife and my cousin behaved, in my mind, I knew the story wasn’t true. Also, the way my uncle looked from the man to his wife and his daughter gave me the chill. My suspicions were confirmed recently when they were arguing about my cousin. The man kept referring to my cousin as his daughter and that he would blow the lid if my uncle’s wife doesn’t return his child. Thank goodness I was outside the door of the house so I ran back to avoid being seen by either of them. I don’t know what to do; whether to tell my uncle about it what I heard. I know my uncle isn’t a happy man. The woman he would have married before he met this woman has a set of twins for him. He cares for them but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with their mother who is still unmarried. My uncle is the only boy of his parents. His other siblings are women. What do you suggest I do? The children outside are boys and replicas of my uncle. They are already in the university. Please help me as this problem is beyond me. Concerned Niece. Dear Concerned Niece, You are too young to get involved in this matter. Marriage is a complex thing far beyond your comprehension. Every marriage has its strength, mystery, absurdities and sacrifices. What you see may not be the whole thing. Besides it is always best to stay off the marriage pattern of people. Even if the people involved are your parents, the dynamism of marriage precludes third party interventions unless when called upon to help. Besides, there are certain agreements between a man and woman that make third party intervention dangerous to the one who is trying to intrude. In addition, it is your words against hers. What prove do you have about the information you have? The danger of telling your uncle is that the tables could be turned against you; the woman accusing you of trying to destroy her home. Knowing that your late mother never liked her, she could say your mind had been poisoned against her by your late mother who vowed never to give her peace in her marriage. A woman can always get her man to believe anything she says through the special powers God has given a woman. This is the secret of womanhood. This is beyond your league even though your concern for your uncle is well founded and grounded. My take? Stay out of this marriage. Unless she is using a magical means to blindfold your uncle to the nature of relationship between her and this strange male visitor to your uncle’s house, chances are your uncle mght have his suspicions; only waiting for the right opportunity to act. Taking out an education policy, paying monthly money into your account and instructing you not to allow her come across the passbook, are his ways of preparing you for and protecting you from the consequences of whatever it is he is planning. Don’t be deceived that he isn’t getting information from neighbors about his strange visitor. Changing his plans at the very last minute couldn’t have been by accident. Something must have prompted that action. Looking through all the three of them like you observed, is also an indication that your uncle isn’t the fool his wife probably think he is. Your presence in the house could be why he is bidding his time; he may not want to upset you emotionally knowing that what he offers is as close to a family set up as you can get. If he sends her away now, you will be the one who will suffer from lack of company or having to go and leave with another person. He could be waiting for you to move to the campus before executing his decisions. Therefore, you would be making it messier by involving yourself in a matter that could have been sealed by your uncle. What your uncle needs from you are prayers. Battle like the one your uncle is fighting requires someone to stand in gap for him. Although, you are young, help your uncle reconcile his family by getting close to his sons. Become their friends, get to know what they feel and think. Be the chain that will bind them to your side of the family. If they haven’t been coming home for holidays; engage your uncle in a discussion to know why they haven’t been coming; insist he brings them home at least during the holidays. This way, whatever hurts, pains or wrong impression they feel towards their father, would gradually be erased. This is the only way you can repay him for his love and care. Wisdom isn’t a gift bestowed on humans by God on account of age. From the content of your letter, it is obvious God has given you a wisdom above your age. You could also confide in one of your aunties who is very understanding and can keep secrets about what you heard. The reason for this is to have another member of the family outside you, know about it for posterity sake. Being older than you and the man at the center of it all her brother, she would know what to do with the information. But for now, learn to pray for him. He needs it to refocus his family and life. Good luck.

I doubt her love for me

Dear Agatha, I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our constant communication, except for some few days when I was really pressed for time or had difficulties connecting with her. Since we met, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me. Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition, I don’t there is nothing we don’t know about each other. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep, especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day. The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise, she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep not to talk of a call from her. I want to marry her. But does she love me? Help! Samuel Dear Samuel, It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere. Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly, there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage, unless you both take the necessary steps to help it move on. This is because there is a limit telephone can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work. To a very large extent, you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is on the ground. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship, but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without character of the couple coming into play. A certain amount of sacrifices is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on, if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend sometime with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable; but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic. Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicion that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who, though calls everyday, remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks do have a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and re-assure her of your love as well as intention to marry her, if she will have you. Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy. As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of you life with do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable? It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study at close range the woman who is to become the mother of your children. It is only after you had seen her, talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life. Good luck.

His vulgarities are against my Christian beliefs

Dear Agatha, I started a relationship with a guy who isn’t a serious minded Christian. Most of the time, we communicate through chatting and he says all sorts of romantic things. Whenever he says all these, I would want to have sex even though I am a virgin. I don’t like this because I am born again. I am planning on ending this relationship. He is very caring. He can call me up to five times a day. I love him but he isn’t a serious minded Christian which I would have loved him to be. Help me. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, You aren’t being truthful here. If you aren’t enjoying his telephone sex, why are you still listening to him and accepting his online romances? It isn’t as if you are forced to listen to all that he is saying. You have the choice to disconnect the telephone or internet chat and refuse to take any calls from him since whatever it is he is doing is through chatting on the phone or internet. There is no personal contact to make you want to endure the situation at all. Besides, there is no way he would keep at it without your subtle encouragement. If you insist you don’t want that line of conversation, he would discontinue if he really values you and wants to keep the line opened for further interactions between the two of you. He is pursuing it because he senses something you haven’t been able to decode about yourself-curiosity to have knowledge of sex. Trust me, the only way you can keep that virginity of yours intact for the right man is to accept your weakness and not attempt to sweep it under the carpet. One thing you must appreciate, sex is a powerful emotions we cannot resist. It has nothing to do with our faith or religious inclination. It is a natural ache we begin to feel once we get to the age. Like all normal women, you are having yours. This is why inspite of yourself, you find yourself pulling towards the vulgarity of this man. Accepting it as a natural progression will help you define what you want from sex and life. Don’t feel guilty about it rather; resist the message embedded in what your boyfriend is saying. Open acceptance that sex is primitive to us will help you fight and filter the flit in your boyfriend’s approach. It will also open your eyes to the kind of company that is good for you and the one you should avoid completely. In addition, you could use this opportunity to teach him how to manage his desires and conduct a responsible relationship. You can through your values and new knowledge educate him on the ills you feel in his ways. Love is all about tolerance and a desire to help the other person grow. Good luck.

He insists I get pregnant first

Dear Agatha, Someone is asking my hand in marriage but on one condition, I get pregnant. He says it is the only way he can go ahead with all the arrangements for our wedding. I am scared because I don’t know what he has in mind but I love him and he has been my friend for a long time. Joy. Dear Joy, Under normal circumstances, no man should give his woman this kind of condition he is giving you before walking her down the aisle. But many women have mortgaged their future through the different kinds of risks they take with their bodies which is making a lot of men wary of marrying women who aren’t pregnant first. This is because of the high rates of infertility the world over is contending with in our modern world. Most men are making it a condition to avoid unnecessary delays and medical expenses as a result of secondary infertility in the women, some who have damaged their wombs through reckless lifestyles. The reality on the ground is, even if I tell you not to accept this condition, in addition to you not likely to do as I say, I don’t have a husband to give you so, you really have to make up your mind on what you want from this man and life. Furthermore, countless number of girls would jump at the idea of getting pregnant for this man if only he would look their way. When an issue gets this complex, the practical thing to do is to holistically examine the relationship so as to be sure you are with the right man and that you both have the maturity and understanding to paddle this canoe to safety. Beyond the issue of pregnancy, is the all important one of both of you having the right qualities and attributes to stay together forever. That a couple is blessed with children doesn’t exempt them from having serious marital issues. This is what your man must understand first and foremost. He must be able to love you for yourself and not because you are fertile to procreate. Use whatever means you have to communicate this message to him. The essence of having children is to provide them with a home wherein they would be happy and fulfilled. Why have children when the promises of having both parents stay together forever cannot be guaranteed them? For you to be very clear about your next course of action; answer these questions sincerely. How do you feel at the proposal? What is it telling you about your importance to this man? What happens if you are unable to give him a baby; would he leave you on account of it? Perhaps a little explanation on my part will help give you a more detailed insight into this issue. The pride of everywoman is to be loved for who she is by her man and not because she is fertile enough to make babies. An ideal marriage begins with two people before expanding to accommodate others. This is because marriage is a risk and like a well wrapped gift must unfold gradually to reveal its content. Children are part of the content of every marriage. Asking you to get pregnant is placing the cart before the horse. Do you feel right about it? Are you comfortable with the knowledge that this man isn’t ready to take unnecessary risks with you? That he wants to be sure of your viability as a woman before he marries you? What this proposal means is that if you aren’t able to get pregnant within a stipulated time, you forfeit the offer to another woman who is lucky to be pregnant. Given the fact that he has promised to marry you, don’t fret if that is what he wants. But be sure, you have reasonable security from his family to avoid last minute disappointment. It is also extremely important that you understand the ground rules. For instance, what is the time limit you have to get pregnant else another woman takes your place? This is where the all important issue of trust comes to play. How much do you trust this man? Will his love for you always be conditional? Deep down if there was someone else; would you even consider doing this? Don’t be shy in admitting the truth to yourself because it will help you adjust and prepare your shocks for any eventuality whether now or in future. Also, don’t neglect the issue of compatibility between the two of you. Both of you have the right chemistry to flow together as an item. This, the presence of a child or children cannot give you. Because infertility is a two way thing, you must discuss with him on the need for him too to subject himself to medical examinations to erase the presence of any problem from his end. This is because infertility in marriages is increasingly being traced to men. No matter how fertile a woman is, if the man in question has low sperm count, she won’t be able to conceive so don’t allow yourself to carry the canister alone. As a couple, you must be able to laugh at each other and with each other. If you are not the desperate kind and realistic about the dynamism of life especially as it has to do with our contemporary society, you won’t have problems doing what is right for you. Good luck.

I’m addicted to masculine women and pornography

Dear Agatha, I am 18 years old and very confused if what I am going through is a problem or not. Since I was 12 or thereabout, I have developed strong attraction for very masculine women. Most times, I want to talk about it with someone but I am too ashamed due to the lack of such women in this part of the world. I have turned to the internet and have this uncontrollable urge to watch pornography featuring these kinds of women. Please is this attraction normal and how do you think I can stop it? Worried Boy. Dear Worried Boy, Anything that goes beyond the normal measure is a problem. Not only are you obsessed with masculine women, you have become hooked on pornography as well. These are twin challenges capable of stripping you of all your dreams as a young promising man. Sex is itself a distraction and when you add an aberration like you have done, it becomes volatile and destructive. This is the situation you have created for yourself through your strong thirst for women with masculine features which has driven you to depend on an act capable of plaguing your mind with strong sexual thoughts that could destroy one as young as you. The graphic images provided you by these adult films could make it impossible for your mind to focus on the essential qualities of a woman in later years. My concern isn’t in your preference of women, but that you have taken to watching pornography to actualize your fantasies. You might never be able to appreciate a woman for who she is without seeing her as a sex object. Besides you may not ever be able to hold reasonable conversation with a woman without being tempted to spy into her under-wears. This is the point it gets dangerous for you as a young man. This is one habit that will be difficult even in latter years to break. Not only will it get worse but, could cause a major distraction for you in the areas of studies or concentration on more serious issues. It could also lure your mind to commit a crime of rape when fully stimulated and there is no willing woman to satisfy your needs. The dangers of addiction on pornography are enormous; so beat the habit before it consumes you. In your case, it is a double addiction and problem. The first being your uncanny obsession for women who are masculine in-built as well as the one pornography provides you. While there is nothing bad in itself to prefer certain kinds of women to the others but, you are taking your obsession too far by taking to watching adult films on the internet. To beat these habits, you must ask yourself what precisely is this attraction for masculine women all about. Is it that you want a woman who will dominate you, be rough with you or treat you like a child? In addition what is the attraction in these kinds of women for you? Has it by chance to do with your mother or a strong female you admire? Which woman in your growing up years hold this kind of pleasure for you? Honestly, it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing if you haven’t taken your infatuation across the boarder line of what is normal since at one time or the other, every normal human adult went through a phase of one form of obsession or the other. While most women went through the stage of looking for the tall, handsome and rich man as the perfect sole mate; the men wanted to be associated with the prettiest woman in town. This is as far as it goes for most people. As the years peel away, reality beats one into line. Only those who are without plans or lack the wisdom to appreciate that a season has died and another one ready to take over, end up having issues like the one you are having. The human mind is such you only have to sow a seed for it to keep growing different branches unless it is controlled to grow in the right direction. You are wasting too much time and energy on a dream that should have long gone. At the age of 18 is when serious minded young men begin to lay the foundation for their tomorrows. You are in your nascent adult stage, one that requires you to expend more energy on productive things and not on pornography. If you must romance your fantasy, why not go to the stadium where you might be lucky to see a woman who is into body building that might like you? That is, if you are so encumbered with your passion you cannot think of anything else. Meeting such a woman in real life might cure you of your childhood fantasies and liberate your mind from this unnatural fixation on masculine women. As with every case of addiction, you need the help of friends and family members to pull you out of the emotional abyss your passion has dragged you into. Frankly, there is no way you can beat this habit on your own because like cancer, it has spread beyond what you can manage on your own. You need both professional help as well as the assistance of your friends. Don’t be afraid to ask because, we all have our little secrets just that yours have gone beyond the normal and has the capacity of pulling you down completely. Think of the waste of your promising life if this thing leads you to committing a crime of sexual assault? The shame you feel now would be nothing compared with the stigma that will follow your arrest and prosecution as well as the gossip that will trail you about. So cry out for help. Since cure begins with a person’s determination to leave the cage he or she has holed him or herself into, you must first make your mind to resist any thought that takes you deeper into your deep hole by fighting that urge whenever it comes strong. Create a diversion for yourself by writing out a list of what you want to be in life. Pin it on the same spot you go or like to stay to watch this pornography on the internet. We all have a particular comfort zone in our homes. On another piece of paper, outline the negative things that could happen to your life if you keep up this habit for too long. Take a picture of yourself dressed in the working garment of the profession you want to go into and in another picture, dress in clothes that are close to rags. Pin both of them side by side. These pictures would help check your dependence on this deadly habit. No one likes to be in shabby clothes. We all want to succeed. Above all, learn to talk to God for help in overcoming this sexual urges. He will provide you with a greater reason to be happy. Women are not just sex objects but one with very intelligent minds. Focusing on the built of a woman only reduces your chance to become a worthy friend to your female friends. Making the effort to appreciate a woman beyond how and what she looks like, will go a long way in healing you of this obnoxious obsession. Good luck.

She demands I marry her

Dear Agatha, May God bless you for your motherly counsels. I am 28 years old, and already have two children. I meet this girl on Facebook last year. Since then, she has been good to me. Recently, I told her about my children and since then she has been insisting I marry her. Although I love her, what do I do? Adewale Dear Adewale, On what premise is she insisting you marry her: because you have children and in need of a mother figure for them or what? Why is she bent on becoming your wife? What do you know about her or she about you to warrant you two making the all important decision to spend the rest of your lives together? The fact that you already have two children should make you extremely cautious in the choice you make else you will end up having another child without a mother in your life. Although you didn’t give any detail about the mother or mothers of your children, the fact that there is no woman in your life itself suggest that you have gone through stormy relationship(s). This is your cue to be careful and not give room for another mistake to happen. You have to think about the welfare and happiness of those children who are depending on you to give them the right kind of leadership in life. It takes more than a declaration of love to make an average marriage work. Without having the right attitude, structure, direction and vision, a marriage cannot work, no matter the love a couple starts out with. This is because marriages come with both traditional and contemporary challenges. Both classifications of challenges must be dealt with first to get to the nectar of the happiness associated with marriage. Also there are the concurrent issues that will never go away from a marriage. These are the kinds that love can overshadow, not the traditional or contemporary kinds that, only determination and knowledge of the institution can resist. A good marriage requires certain kinds of plans. What are your plans to avoid the mistakes of the past? What kind of man and partner are you? what mistakes have you always made concerning your choice of women; the kind that has left you an unmarried father of two children? These are traditional to you hence, you must tackle them before moving into a permanent relationship with any woman. An X-ray of the problem will point you at the intrinsic issues you must take time to tackle first. Knowing what your problems are as a man will point you at the solutions and the kind of woman you will need to help you overcome these challenges. This woman in your life; do you deep down think she has what it takes to be a mother to you and the children? Every man needs a mother figure in his wife. It isn’t sufficient to for a man to have a woman in his life; he must have a woman that will help him to build not just his home but his life as well. Your other relationships failed due to lack of this important ingredient in them. Do you see this woman as having the capacity to fit into that role of being the kind of mother your children need and one you will always need as you journey into what life has to offer you? Do you see her playing the role of mother hen, the kind that goes all out to protect the interest of her family? Take time out to study her. Find out the reason she wants you to marry her at all cost. What is her story and experiences? Find out before you take the decision to either marry her or not. Whatever, you do, be careful who you bring home to share your life. Don’t allow emotions alone make the decisions for you. Apply plenty of wisdom because this is a forever decision.

I am jealous of his girlfriend

Dear Agatha, I am 20 years old and in love with a guy who has another girlfriend, he told me of his existing relationship from the beginning. He is very caring. He gives me all the encouragement I need but whenever I remember he has a girlfriend, I become sick. I love him very much. I have tried to quit the relationship but he keeps coming back and my emotions always get the better of me. Please what should I do? Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Resist him so he can settle whatever issues he has either with himself or his existing relationship. There is no way you can ever get the best of him as long as he is unfaithful to his girlfriend. This is because he has to divide his time between the two of you as well as share his affection. The fact that he is still with the other lady shows that there is nothing wrong with that relationship or any reason to be unfaithful. Irrespective of whether he told you or not, there is no express reason for him to enter a second relationship. The ideal thing would have been for him to end his relationship with the other lady before asking you out. As it is, you have nothing to gain by staying in this relationship because there is nothing in it for you as it stands today. Look at it this way, you know about the other woman but she doesn’t know anything about you; shouldn’t that tell you that you that you are are not important in his life? From your letter, he hasn’t given you a commitment; one strong enough for you to hold on to. Being caring may sound absolute fantastic but when put alongside unfaithfulness, it doesn’t look so attractive at the end of the day especially if you consider the fact that you could be just a number in his chain of girlfriends outside his legitimate relationship. A man capable of being unfaithful to one woman; has the ability of being disloyal to several other women. You cannot be sure you are the only one he is cheating on his girlfriend with. Don’t allow him to eat and still have his cake. Besides, how would you feel in the other girl’s shoes? She is the one who should feel all the jealousy and bad feelings you are having. At least, he had the decency of telling you the truth about his status. It would have been a different kind of story if he had lied to you but he told you the truth giving you the choice at that initial stage to back out. You didn’t, despite this piece of information so stop wasting precious energy on being jealous of a woman who doesn’t even know you exist in her relationship. Holding on to him while the other lady exists in his life is taking too much risk with your emotions. It will block you from giving another guy the chance to come into your life; thereby denying yourself the vital opportunity of exploring other viable relationships. This is one of the many dangers holding on to this man would cause you eventually. Since he has no express commitment to you, he is free to come in and go as he likes. And if at the end of the day, he marries the woman in his life, what would be your reason for staying on? Wisdom demands you make hay while the sun shines. There is no productive result without risks and pains. The process of bringing a child into the world is an example of the kinds of pains that go with sweet calmness and happiness? No storm can rage forever. No matter how fierce, it will give way to calmness eventually. Because you have a life to think about, end the relationship. If your emotions are the problem, make yourself scarce. Change your phone number. If he cannot get you and you stop meeting him where both of you meet, he will eventually get the message that you don’t want it to continue anymore. At least give yourself a chance to heal and move on. this is because not every relationship we enter in life ends in marriage. At 20, you still have some good years ahead of you. There are a lot of men that will still come your way; this is the time to begin to plan for that future you hope to have one day. You need a man who will be yours, who won’t see you as an alternative. By agreeing at your age to be the other woman in a man’s life, you are unwittingly agreeing to his unspoken words, that you are not good enough to be the main woman in a man’s life. A woman who has a dream and knows where she is going, will not settle for being second best. She will always strive to be the number one in a man’s life or wherever she finds herself. A man is a hunter by nature and would always feed on a willing prey; he will continue to give you all sorts of reasons for you not to end the relationship. But as the woman, you should know what you want. Learn at this early age to be focused on your future plans because a bad relationship can completely derail the plans you have for yourself. Resist him. If at the end of the day, he comes back, then he is God’s plans for you. for now, you are too young and full of life to play second fiddle to anybody. Good luck.

At 19, I have many suitors

Dear Agatha, I am a constant reader of your column, and it has been a source of inspiration to many of us. I hope you will help me out. I am 19 years old, with too many guys disturbing me for a relationship, which I consider as a distraction. What should I do to all these suitors? It seems it is my selection time. Your baby. My dear baby, I am glad you know men at your age are distractions. Finish with your education first. I am not objecting to you having friends, but any romantic involvement with them should be discouraged now because not many young girls can combine emotional involvement with their studies. Besides, at 19, time is still your best friend. There is plenty of time to select from among the lot. You are young and (I guess) beautiful; because of that, a lot of them would come. It is the natural sequence of things. It is normal for young ladies at your age to attract such high volume of attention from men. You are at that stage of your life we call the butterfly age. Sure attention can be very tempting and capable of derailing a young lady who is not strong-willed. This is the dangerous age zone when a lot of girls get pregnant for the wrong men, and go into series of abortion in their search for the right man. Be careful. Joke with those who don’t feel bad when you say and mean ‘no’. Stick to the ‘no sex’ rule. The man who lasts the longest cares for your feelings the most, which makes you very happy, who is genuinely concerned about you, does not put you under any sexual pressure, and has the fear of God should be considered. Good luck.

My younger sister is turning wayward

Dear Agatha, I have been an ardent reader of your column for a very long time now and I want to say I appreciate your good work. My problem has to do with my immediate younger sister. Sometime ago, I walked into a situation where she and boy were about to have sex. My presence frustrated their plan. The boy ran away. I thought my verbal thrashing of her would change her, but I suspect she is now into so many boys, a development which is giving me some sleepless nights. In my confusion on the best way to handle this matter without creating a scene between the two of us, I told some on my friends who advised that I should not treat her with kid gloves; they want me to be harsh with her, but that may mean attracting the attention of my parents whose course of action, should they know, I fear. Please tell me, do I tell my parents? What way do you think is best for me to handle the matter, should I decide to handle the issue on my own? I want solution before she goes far in her ways. Jay Dear Jay, Before telling your parents, sit her down for a heart-to-heart discussion. Start by expressing your love as well as the entire family to her. Go ahead to tell her of the family’s hopes and dreams for her. Tell her how proud of her you once were. Make her understand that of recent, however, that all those dreams and hopes you and the family wove around her are coming to nought as a result of her behaviour. Inform her that her indiscriminate relationship with men is making her too notorious for your liking. Present her with the picture of disappointment and pain you currently feel at her behaviour. Tell her to think: If your disappointment is this deep, how would your parents feels when they find out about her atrocities? It is only when she refuses to listen to you that you should tell your parents who are more equipped at handling this kind of issues. The truth is, if you don’t take actions now out of fear, you will end encouraging her to be more promiscuous than she already is. Telling your parents isn’t betraying her, but telling her how much you care for her and want her to make something good out of her life. Good luck!

We are always quarrelling

My husband and I are always quarrelling. There is hardly a day that we don’t quarrel. Ironically, the reason for our disagreement isn’t always tangible. Our family members are getting fed up because when they come to settle our quarrels, they always find that the reasons for our fights are not serious. Being a reader of your column, I have applied all the advice you give to make my marriage work but to no avail. Rather than abate, the issues keep escalating. I am getting fed up and confused. There is no name he doesn’t call me when he is angry. There is also no name I don’t call him either. Please, help me. I don’t want my marriage to crash. Joyce. Dear Joyce, Precisely, what are the issues in your marriage? When did all these start? How do these quarrels usually begin? What was the beginning like between the two of you? Deep in your mind, what do you think could be the causes of these constant quarrels? For how long have you been married and do you have children? Is there a contending issue in your marriage, which both of you didn’t resolve but swept under the carpet for the sake of peace? One thing is sure, your ability to recognise that your marriage is going through some difficult patches means that you are ready to face up to the truth about your marriage. From experience, there are some issues that may appear unimportant but end up becoming the major issues in a marriage. The thing is for you, as the woman, to sit your husband down for a discussion. Watch when he is in a good mood before bringing up the issue. There are irritations within your marriage that must be cleared if it has to move forward. You may not think they are irritants but if you look deeper, you will find that they are limiting your happiness. Let him tell you the things that keep annoying him about you, the home and other things around him. It might not be with your person but the way you organise his home. This is a possibility if before he married you, he liked his home in a particular way. If you are not up to his standard in terms of housekeeping, the fact of being in the house while it is in the sordid state is enough for someone, who is near perfect, to become irritated and pick up what may appear to be unnecessary quarrels. This is why you must take time to find out why you are always quarrelling. It could also be with the way you dress, personal hygiene or the way you approach issues. Sometimes, the things we ignore are usually the cause of profound and major problems in our homes. Get him to talk. Don’t be afraid to take the lead by asking probing questions. For instance, if it has to do with your personal hygiene, he may not want to hurt your feelings by broadcasting it to you but would respond better if you ask pointed questions. You may also want to take a look at your wardrobe. What kind of woman appeals to your husband? Take a look at the mirror and be as frank as possible. If you were a man, especially your husband, would anything in your appearance appeal to you? As a man, would you enjoy coming home to meet the woman you have become? Be frank and objective by looking at things through the eyes of your husband. Do you nag or easily take offence at whatever he says? There is nothing like enough patience. Patience is the most elastic feature of a marriage. There is no limit to tolerance and patience. No matter how tough it gets, always remember the reason you married this man among all the men that came your way. I concur, it is easier to forget when the challenges come but if you keep reminding yourself that marriage is all about sacrifice and selflessness, you will eventually become more profound in how to manage your home. That you are having these issues is an indication that you aren’t as patient as you think you are. When was the last time you took special interest in your appearance? This might just be the time to drag the old you wherever you hid her. He needs you to remind him of the woman he fell in love with and married. Marriage isn’t a place for a woman to look shabby. As a matter of fact, it is when a woman gets married that she should pay more attention to herself and appearance. You owe it to yourself to look wonderful to sustain the interest of your man. The married man is becoming endangered because a lot of women want what you have. When issues also get this complex, learn to be honest and prayerful. There is no human endeavour that is free from spiritual manipulations. Be forthright and determined to protect your marriage from everything that can make it fail. It could also be the issue of sex. Many men assume that a wife should know what they want in bed; actually wish for their wives could do better in bed but they will never say it preferring to act funny about it. During this talk, ask him how he wants you to make love to him. He may at first pretend not to like the question but don’t be fooled. Sexual tension in marriage can lead to a man picking up a fight with his wife at the slightest provocation. It isn’t often something you see but it is vital. His refusal to be specific, fishing for excuses where none exist, is an indication that the matters in your marriage are very fundamental. You too must be honest in your feelings. Whatever your fears and feelings must be discussed too. Every marriage needs an open table discussion to survive difficult bends like your marriage is having. Two wrongs will never make a right. You are having these quarrels because you respond to his moods and temper. If you decide not to respond at all to him, it will get to a point, he would either walk away or keep quiet. This means you must learn to ignore him whenever he goes into this mood. This is the staying power of a woman. You have to stoop to conquer. Refuse to be dragged into an argument with him. Once he goes off, begin to pray for help and wisdom from God. It can be difficult but overtime, you will develop the ability to win the battle. Never deny him sex or food. Also stop inviting people into your marriage. After all, both of you made the decision to spend the rest of your lives together. Keep your challenges within; this way they are always easier to manage. God is all that you need to make it work. Good luck.

My wife is cantankerous

ear Agatha, I am having issues with my marriage of less than four years. My wife is older than I am by some few months. Whenever we quarrel she insults the living light out of me; that she cannot respect a man who is irresponsible and so on. I alone shoulder the entire responsibility of the family as she is out of job. I provide for the family including placing her on monthly allowance and I still send things to her parents. I don’t drink, smoke or womanise yet she has no regard for me. I am getting fed up and considering divorce. Perhaps a younger woman would be better. Pained man. Dear Pained Man, Every marriage comes with its peculiar cross. Just like Jesus Christ bore his cross alone, every couple has to learn to cope with the challenges in their own bouquet because there is no money back guarantee in a marriage. Inspite off all the pains and emotional drain this marriage is costing you, you must find ways around the issues confronting your home. From experience, divorce isn’t usually a magic potion to troubled marriage. Granted some marriages will never work; there is no marital issue beyond the ability of a determined couple to make it work. The question is, are you prepared to make this marriage work irrespective of the pains you are going through in the hands of your partner? Do you think deep down, your wife is the only problem in your marriage? Have you asked yourself what you contributed to making her this total stranger? Have you considered the fact that her lack of job could be the reason for this change in her person and disposition to you? Did you ever sit her down to ask for her opinion concerning the situation or simply assumed that as long as you were carrying the entire burden of the family, she was happy to let you do it? Has it occurred to you to discuss other possibilities of engaging her time and mind with her? There is no doubting the fact that your decision to play the ideal husband is in good faith but it may not appear right to a woman who before now had some measure of financial independence. There is no amount you give her that would ever be enough for her. Also, the fact that she is locked up in the house without anything to do as against the time she left home everyday could be very challenging. If she is often at home alone, especially if there are no children to engage her time and mind, loneliness could be a factor in all these. Don’t forget money isn’t everything. Doubtless, you have lifted the financial burden from her shoulders, but what about all the other little relief her going out of the house give her? to better appreciate her feelings, try trading places with her for a day and see how it feels like to be forced into a situation you aren’t prepared for and don’t want. One thing is to make up one’s mind not to work another is to find yourself without a job suddenly. Even though she is going about her disappointments and frustration in a very wrong way, wisdom demands that you try to reason with her by providing the right opportunity for both of you to talk about it. Sincerely, it has nothing to do with your age differences unless of course she was desperate to marry you at the time to consider the age difference. Age is only a statistic that has no place whatsoever in the making of a successful home. What is, is how much both of you want this marriage. Once you and your woman are on the same page, there is no situation, no matter how ugly you cannot overcome. Therefore, you must ask her the question of what she thinks of the marriage as well as how much she wants it to succeed. In talking to her, make it clear to her that you have the option of walking away from it all the moment you get to that point of not being able to cope with her rudeness and disrespect to you. This is to make her appreciate the necessity for her to come clean with all the issues bothering her. You need to do this because marriage is about endurance and tolerance. You cannot make it work without having these two qualities since both of you are from different homes, cultures and norms. The idea of the talk is to give you the rear opportunity of looking into her mind’s eyes, focusing on what was and could be. When a woman is as angry as she is, the reason behind her anger would come to the fore. It is this you must find out as it holds the clue to the future and workability of your marriage. It will also help you focus on your own faults. Sometimes we do certain things that appear to others to be good, for selfish reasons. What is your motive for shouldering all these responsibilities? That fact that you don’t do any of the things you pointed out doesn’t absolve you of complicity in the whole mess your marriage currently is. There are many salient habits which are more lethal and inimical to the growth of marriage than the ones you outlined. It could be a bad temper, lack of a proper relationship with one’s partner, unfriendliness, lack of respect by being insensitive to the feelings of the other person, dirty habits and deliberate wickedness. It could also being unnecessarily stubborn, having an opinion that doesn’t leave room for the feelings of the other party can really be frustrating and annoying. Therefore, the talk is intended to take you back to the drawing board; an opportunity for both of you to revalue and revalidate your relationship and vows. This is time to tell yourselves the truth; no matter how bitter. There is no marriage that can survive on falsehood and holding secrets from each other. Clearly, you haven’t been able to inject the right ingredients into your marriage because you both have a lot of outstanding issues and scores to settle within your marriage. For a complete healing, go back to the very beginning; the essence is to find out those things you may have left behind in the cause of every day living. For instance, you must find out why she thinks you are having affairs when from your account, you are above reproach. There must be something you aren’t doing right which is giving her this impression that you are not faithful to her. Are you available to her at all times? Are you her best friend? Do you discuss your thoughts, plans and decisions with her? How much is she a part of your life? Everyday, we leave a bit of ourselves in the paths we take until we forget the reasons we embarked on a journey in the first place. Painfully, marriage is where it happens the most. Couples often than not take each other for granted; in the process, bury the reasons that brought them together in the first place. Can you remember how those first moments were between the two of you? Surely a love more profound than the hatred you now feel for each other once brought you two together and it can still be revived once if there is a will. Believe me, the issue here isn’t because she is some few months older than you. It doesn’t have anything to do with age at all. The truth is if you don’t dig deeper into your marriage to unearth where the problem is coming from, chances are that you will keep experiencing the same challenges in any other relationship you enter into. Divorce is only an option when every attempt at ensuring a marriage remains on track fails. But before you come to that conclusion be painstaking in doing whatever you have to do to bring peace even if she appears unreasonable now. If you cannot do it alone; involve your families and friends as long as the purpose is to ensure the marriage works. Both of you must talk as sincerely as possible while calling on God to help you overcome this situation. It is the only reasonable option you have. Good luck.

Do you think she cares for me?

Dear Agatha, I’m about 30 years old. I’ve been looking for a life partner after the disappointment I suffered in the hands of a lady who promised to marry me. I think she did that because of the problems I was having then. Now there is this lady, whose department shared a class with mine. We usually talk and do some friendly or general things together like greeting, talking and so on. Being older than her, she shows me respect and when I was having some challenges she was there for me. For instance when I needed a small air time like a N100 recharge card, she gave me.When we finished our programme and parted ways, I had a problem in the family. I couldn’t mobilize for the National Youth Service. She called to express empathy with me as well as give me all the necessary encouragement. When she called me at another time, I told her I hadn’t solved the problem. She promised to see me whenever she was in town. I sent her a text message to loan me N500. She not only sent me the money but told me not to bother about the payment. She has been showing so much concern over my case and even assisted further over my service delay. However, I’ve been having the thoughts if all her kind gestures were just that; pitying me or that she has interest in me and desires me to approach her for a relationship that may end in us getting married. I am confused because while in school, I was regarded as someone disinterested in ladies because of my Godly disposition to life. Unlike me, she was a bit exposed and was in the habit of wearing trousers. I also think she may not be interested in a person like me. Please, advise me on what to do. Is it true she wants to have a relationship with me judging from the way she cares for me or not? Joe. Dear Joe, It is obvious that this lady has an interest in you but the choice is yours to make. She has shown you kindness, care and love. No matter what you think of her attitude or disposition to life, what she has done underscores the person within her. She has a heart that cares and concern about the situation of people around her. You weren’t the only one in school with her. There were others like you in school with her. She isn’t showing the same concern for them as she is showing you. There must be something deeper in her heart for you to instigate her constant calls to know why you aren’t going for the service year, listening to your challenges and looking for ways to make things easier for you; these certainly count for something. If nothing else, think of the time she is investing into your happiness and peace of mind. She cannot be more explicit in her interest in you. No woman likes spending her money, no matter how small on a man who isn’t her friend or that she has a relationship with. She is giving you her hard earned money because of an interest beyond mere classmates. She has taken the first step; one you must reciprocate if you are interested in her. She may not have the patience to wait around you for too long. She has gone beyond what is normal for a woman and at 30, you should by now be able to read a woman to some extent. Create the opportunity for both of you to at least sit down for a discussion. You don’t have to propose romance immediately; just talk about your challenges as well as the disappointments you have had so far. Also it will be a good thing for you to listen to her story; it will give you an idea of what she wants from her man. The fact that she is a trouser wearing woman doesn’t make her promiscuous or ungodly. Religion is a thing of the mind. It goes beyond what we say. More than anything else, our attitude forms the basis for our religious beliefs. God isn’t impressed with what we say but how we react to others around us. Besides, religion is tolerance. You must exhibit tolerance as well as listen to the voice of God inside of you. We are all His messengers. God may want to use you to change her. But if you start by being arrogant and condemning, there is no way she would listen to you at all. Don’t also forget she is an adult who has formed her ways so she cannot change because you say to. Only love like the one she has shown you can make her listen to what you have to say or accept your kind of lifestyle. If you have feelings for her, make it known to her. There is nothing out of this world. Once there is love, a lot of things can change. Besides, love doesn’t come in the package that we are familiar with. Sometimes it comes in unexpected wraps. You have to be careful, not to miss what God has in store for you. Unless you are convinced that you don’t like her, will never be able to cope with her kind of person, then let go and stop encouraging her calls. But it would be wise if you give yourself at least the opportunity to get to know her beyond the school walls. One thing is for sure, this woman likes you. Good luck