This isn’t the woman I married

Dear Agatha, How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys her sons’ ages. You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them but I began to suspect when she started behaving in stranger manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed, I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up. I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looks beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually are at that age. Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she maybe have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As long as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she has really tried. But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife traveled to United kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said. Six weeks, she comes back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision. From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters. Although in front of her people compliment her new looks, behind her, they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it. Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry with everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church; instead she now attends one of her friends’ church. I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman? Although my mind is made up about my marriage but I can’t help wondering if you women think at all. Roland. Dear Roland, Not at all! In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions. I am at a crossroad on how best to handle this issue due to its multi-dimensional nature. However it calls for absolute patience. You must treat them individually. This way, you will be sure precisely what you are reacting to in this marriage. You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together; especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become. Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself? While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far. This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you? A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the issues in the first place. Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you. And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake. Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind, you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble over a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren. Also, you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details which only a wife can do best? Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discuss fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted. A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention is invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust. This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage. There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision; because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound. If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen. It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted; that the end of the day, we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so close to. The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her. God will touch you both where you each need Him the most. Good luck.