Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. If you can recall, I wrote to you twice last year concerning two men who had had children and were seeking my hand in marriage.
After praying and seeking counsel from people and my parents, I decided to go for the one with a girl after considering that the girl would one day get married.
We have done the introduction and even agreed on a January date for our traditional marriage, but owing to reasons beyond our control, it didn’t hold.
Unknown to me, the unforeseen situation has to do with a married woman who became pregnant by him. The woman ran away from her husband on account of being childless after about seven years of marriage to her husband.
Though the woman isn’t a stranger to me and very much aware of our relationship and our plans to get married, I didn’t know she was that unhappy. Now she has given birth to a baby boy.
My boyfriend and his family are begging me to forgive him because what happened was as a result of the devil’s work. His family members insist I should forgive him because I am the only woman known to them.
He insists he will never marry the woman. Since I discovered what he did, I have cried myself silly. The pain of his betrayal is too much for me to bear.
Agatha, why me, why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through so much heartbreak? Why women are naturally wicked to each other? What have I done to deserve all these pains?
My greatest challenge is my reactions to him. Despite the pains he has caused me, I can’t help the surge of joy that engulfs me anytime I hear his voice.
I also want you to confirm if the baby really belongs to her husband under our native laws and customs. This is because the bride price paid on her has not been returned to the husband and family.
I feel so bad because at 35 years of age, I should be married. I have fasted, prayed over this issue and marriage. Does it mean that God doesn’t want me to get married? I have never been married. What have I done wrong?
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,You haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever is happening to you still falls under the plans of God for you because He sees so many things you don’t see and knows things you don’t know about yourself.
Besides, God’s time is never too early or late rather, it is always perfect.
He understands and knows more than you know. The best thing for you is not to question or nag Him. Instead, give in to His wisdom and authority.
At 35, you have every reason to be apprehensive but do you have the powers to hasten your desires to fulfillment? If you had, I am sure you would have done that by now. So, stop worrying over the things you cannot change or make happen.
There are two types of answers we get to prayers. Some come the way we desire them, some come first masked in pains and disappointment. Only the patient person who has absolute trust in God appreciates His ways even when things appear wrong.
This man may not be your choice of a husband because God is never the author of confusion. Irrespective of what the laws and customs of this woman’s husband people say, it cannot erase one thing, that he is incapable of being faithful to you.
If he had any respect for you, he wouldn’t sleep with another woman after going to see your people. Not only did he sleep with another woman but one who is close to you and your confidant. Chances are this is not the first time he has been sleeping with her. If she hadn’t got pregnant, you wouldn’t have known the extent of his duplicity.
While the choice of whether to go back to him or not is ultimately yours to make, be careful else you end up unhappier with yourself than you are now.
Already, he has children by two women: a boy and a girl. If the first one was a mistake, how do you classify the second one? Would he also claim this one is a mistake? What mistake when he has you in his life?
And if it was, why didn’t he tell you immediately she told him about the pregnancy? If he is asking you to forgive him, what are the conditions of your coming back to him? Remember, you are not going to live with his family but him. His family can only facilitate things but he has the final decision on his desires in life. If his desire is to keep sleeping around with anything in skirt, there is little his family can do about it.
You have to be sure of what you are coming back to. It isn’t just a matter of insisting he can’t marry the other woman. It takes two to tango and this tango has a baby to show for it. He can afford to deny the woman but can he deny the baby? What arrangements is he putting in place for the sustainability of mother and child?
Whether this woman ran away from her husband or not isn’t the issue here. Reality on ground is that she has a baby by your man. He is the biological father of that child. The woman didn’t rape him, he did it of his own free will hence would be grossly irresponsible of him to abandon the baby he helped bring to the world.
Don’t because you want to get married at all cost ignore this salient fact of the issue of his responsibility to this woman. Yes, she was desperate for a child but your boyfriend allowed himself to be used so he should face the music.
Any man capable of denying responsibility to his child is capable of doing anything. There is no way you and your children would have peace if you refuse to address the issues of his two children now. Marriage to him means having to live with these women and their children. Can you cope?
There is also the issue of his sincerity towards you. Do you consider him a man you can trust in your old age? There is more to being married than bearing the name of a man. Marriage without respect, trust and sincerity cannot stand the test of time. A marriage where you constantly worry over the reliability of your man especially where your female friends and relatives are considered isn’t the ideal at all. The time that would have been devoted to building the relationship and inserting happiness would be spent worrying over issues you knew about but decided to sweep under the carpet.
If you must marry this man, do so without illusions because to go with the illusion of happiness after could be your undoing.
But it would pay you to listen earnestly to the voice of God and not the voice of your desperation to marry at all cost.
Good luck.
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