I’m so confused and in need of help

Dear Agatha,

In the last mail I sent you, I informed you of the well paying job I got and how I wanted to meet a lady I hope to get married next year. 

Well, the truth is, I lost that job even before I started it. The excuse was that they didn’t even have money to pay me. I have to get a job, even trying out job agencies to no avail. I don’t know what to do since I don’t have a family or friends who can help me. 

My being a university drop out is a major problem I have.
I can administer a business efficiently and effectively. I can also create simple business systems and structures for small businesses. I have business ideas that can provide solutions to the Nigerian economic problems. 

I am a writer and can prepare business plans and proposals, memos and reports. I have a handwritten book but yet I can’t earn money.
I need help Agatha. I can’t help myself, neither do I have anybody who can or wants to assist me in solving my problems. I can earn money through the internet through blogs. 

All I need is a laptop and internet connection. I could have done this but I don’t even have savings. Life is meaningless to me. Please I need any good meaning Nigerian to help me. I do not need money but just a laptop and internet connection or even best a job. I’m losing my mind.
Nino.

Dear Nino,

Your problem may not be just getting a job but that of addressing the source of your challenges.

At times, when things aren’t working out in one’s life, despite explicit opportunities, the person should go back into his or her foundation for answers.

There is no denying the truth that prevailing conditions in the country makes it impossible for the average person to make ends meet or for employers to meet their monthly obligations to their employees.

However, this doesn’t overshadow the indicator that some problems are more spiritual than physical.

Look into your family for clues. What is the situation in your family? How many of the men in your family have good stories to tell? Why did you drop out of school? at your age, who has made it despite the odds facing him in your entire family set up?

By the time you are through examining these, how you should proceed with your situation would be clear to you.

While there are people out there who may want to invest in you, without you getting rid of the spiritual burden trailing you, chances of you succeeding in life are somehow slim because first and foremost our foundations are very critical to who we are.

It takes the special grace of God for anyone afflicted by family curses and declarations to succeed.

Deal with that first by going for deliverance. In your condition, getting married shouldn’t be your major priority. Unless you are prepared to pray yourself out this situation, you may not have the wellness of mind or peace to enjoy your marriage.

Besides, how do you hope to cope when the children starts coming without a stable job?

This is why you must first clear out the webs of frustration and financial stagnation before moving on with your plans to marry.

You also have to begin to consider other things you can do if you are unable to get anybody to donate a computer to you.

What kind of other things are you good at? Although not everybody is keen on going back to the farm but farming is one way a lot of promising young men and women are sustaining themselves.

Surely your family members can assist you with a portion of land to do some farming while you pursue other things.

Pray, fast to God for His help and mercy.

Good luck.

He won’t marry the girl he had slept with

Dear Agatha,

I have been in this relationship for two years. I always dreamt it would end in marriage, but suddenly he told me that I could opt for another man if I wanted to. He said he can’t marry a lady he has had sex with, but suddenly he is back again, I don’t know what to do.

Dora.

Dear Dora,

He can afford to tell you to source your happiness elsewhere because you gave in too cheaply to his sexual demands. If he says he cannot marry a woman he has had sex with, it is because you gave him a reason to think you are in the habit of donating your body to every man who comes your way.

Painful and spiteful as his attitude is, it only goes to underline the fact that men want women for other reasons than sex. When it comes to the choice of a life partner, most men are not looking for the woman who scores excellently well in the bedroom alone. They want a woman who knows everything about pleasing a man. This goes beyond sex; rather it is more about all the other things that transform an ordinary friendship into a lifetime union.

When a woman lacks patience, understanding of the man in her life, doesn’t know how to help him groom or expand his dreams, isn’t his friend, doesn’t know how to care for his home or cook his food, has no respect for him or his friends, is completely ignorant on how to transform a boy-man into a man.

A woman must have all the extras to inspire a man to want to keep her. Also some men prefer a woman, they can teach on their own personal etiquettes. They don’t want a woman who comes with any previous experience.

Now that he is back, there is the need for you to spell out the conditions under which you can have him back. This is your opportunity to teach him some lessons in mutual respect, to make him understand that giving him your body doesn’t make you cheap and without principle, that you gave him your body for two years because you loved him and not because you have very low moral values.

Whether he meant what he told you or not the first time is immaterial. What matters is his total evaluation of your person. Whatever excuse he may come up with now to explain his reason for saying what he said, in your interest don’t be deceived because what he said is precisely what he thinks about you.

In the first place, ask yourself if it is essential you go back to him. Do you think he is capable of defending your honour if something wanting him to defend you in such circumstances comes up?

You have to be sure you are not letting yourself in for a very serious disappointment later in life. This is the time you have to be very honest with yourself; when you have to overlook the issue of love and focus on all the other things you deserve in a man. One thing is for you to know what you want; another is to get what you deserve to keep you absolutely happy in life.

In the last two years, you gave freely of yourself to this man because you thought he is what you need to be happy. But is he what you deserve in life? Do you think you deserve his condemnation given the fact that he also enjoyed tremendously from the intimacy you offered him?

If you think you deserve his condemnation or feels your love for him is something you cannot do without for some inexplicable reason; consider him but not before you spell out what format your relationship would take from this point.

You can have him back but on the condition that you would no longer sleep with him until he pays your bride price. With this kind of man, your determination and ability to stick to your resolve is the only thing that can earn you his respect. If you make the mistake of capitulating midway, you risk being hurt deeper than he has already done.

Good luck.

Share a problem By Auntie Agatha, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel:08054500626

I want my friend’s daughter to marry my son

Dear Agatha, 

My husband left my children and I when they were still very young. He left us to marry his former girlfriend; the one he left to marry me.

From that point, my children, two girls and a boy have been on our own. It was very tough but God saw us through. 

My son, the second child of the family always wanted to be a medical doctor. I practically sold all my gold to assist with his dreams.

Fortunately, he got a scholarship from his father’s elder brother in his second year in medical school. This man paid for everything including his books, clothes and other allowances.

Now he is married but I don’t like the woman he is married to. They met while he was in medical school. From the very first day he brought her home, I have resisted his choice but he ignored me to marry her.

I simply don’t like her person at all. She has never been rude to me but I dislike her with a passion. 

I would have felt more comfortable if he had married the daughter of my best friend; the woman who stood by me during my difficult times. We had this arrangement between us that her last daughter and my son will end up marrying each other. 

His refusal to marry her has caused a big gap in our relationship.  

There is nothing I haven’t done to separate both of them. 

Now she has become so rude to me to the extent that when I go to their house, she doesn’t bother to entertain me except to cook my meals; her children too don’t play with me as they used to, Making it obvious that their mother has been telling them about me.

I have tried talking to my son to let her go and give me the joy of having my friend’s child as my daughter-in-law but he won’t hear of it.

Besides as my only son, I want him to marry more than a wife so that I can have more grandchildren through him. Afterall, his father left me to marry the one he dated before meeting me.  I suffered to bring them up. It wasn’t easy for me but this woman he calls his wife isn’t making him listen to my wishes.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do to win back my son’s listening hears. His wife is evil.

Ayoka.

Dear Ayoka,

Allow your son and his wife be. From all you have said, you appear to be the issue in this marriage since you failed to say what she has done to you precisely.

If she isn’t going out of her way to be friendly with you, you asked for it through your attitude towards her. In her shoes, would you subject yourself to the horrors of being in the company of a person who doesn’t like you?

That she is going out of her way to cook your meals, provide what you need shows that she isn’t a rude woman; just one who is avoiding a nasty situation.

She isn’t to blame if your son failed to honour whatever promises you and your friend made to each other. if your son didn’t approach her for a relationship, she would never have ended up as his wife. She ended up your daughter-in-law because your son found something very special and precious in her.

Not many young women would put up with your kind of attitude towards her without her coming out smoking against you. If she is influencing her husband not to yield to you, she is not doing anything out of the ordinary. Every woman must take measure to protect her territory which is what she is doing in her own way.

The fact that you had issues with the father of your children, doesn’t mean your son and his wife must suffer the same things you suffered. Your husband left you and the children for reasons best known to him just as your son is determined to stay in his marriage to his wife.

For whatever reasons, you are not being fair to your son and his wife.  As a mother how would you feel if the mothers of the men that married your daughters are making life as difficult as you are brewing for another woman’s child? How would you feel if your sons-in-law decide to dump your daughters and marry other women? Come to think of it, how did you feel when your husband left you for his ex?

It is an act of undiluted cruelty if you wish the same fate that befell you on your daughter-in-law. Is marrying your son such a crime? Is happiness forbidden to your son simply because you didn’t enjoy your marriage?

The choice to stay on to look after them was one you willingly decided to take. Back then, you had the option of leaving the children for your ex husband to care for. Afteall, if his elder brother took on the responsibility of training your son through medical school, it shows that there was no draught of capable persons in that family.

If you persist in your attitude, you will end up losing this son. Remember, he is now a man of his own and educated enough to realize the harm of marrying more than one wife. Your daughter-in-law is very responsible that is why she hasn’t bothered to confront you. And if she does, you would only have yourself to blame because even your son will not support you.

It is also important you change your attitude towards this woman for the sake of your latter years. A time would come when you would want and court the company of your grandchildren; these ones may not want to have anything to do with you again. If at this stage of your life, they are beginning to show indifference to your person, you can imagine what kind of relationship awaits you when you are older than you are now?

Chances are their mother may not have put them to it. You and I know how children pick up negative signals with ease. Children these days are especially sensitive to things done to their mother. Their reaction is a way of communicating their displeasure over your attitude to their mother. They are just as capable of going a step further to confront you if they think it is necessary.

If you don’t like her at all, stop going to their house. This way you will save yourself the hassles of seeing her.

But what will you lose by being nice to her? From what you wrote, you do stand a better chance of gaining more from being nice to your son and his wife than fighting them.

Whatever she may have done, would you act like this if she were your daughter? As a woman and mother, you must learn the act of forgiveness. Whatever mistake or something your son and his wife may have done to you, let go. The beauty of being old is the wisdom it gives us to manage our affairs better.

If you are truthful, you will know that what you are doing or planning for your son is wrong. But you are pushing on out of your own buried pains and hurt when his father left you with three children. Although you didn’t say it, but deep down you are determined that no woman in the life of your son escapes the kinds of pains you passed through. Even if he had married the daughter of your friend, with your kind of pent up anger, you still would have found reasons to complain.

There won’t be peace in your life and son’s home until you change your mind and attitude towards life generally.

To do this right, there is the need for you to take that essential trip back into time, go back to your own marriage. Ask yourself that question you have been unable to ask all these years. Why did he leave you? This question holds the key to your peace of mind.

That your children turned out successful has answered the question of your suitability as a good mother. Doubtless, only a good mother can make the kind of sacrifices you made for your children.

But to make your happiness complete, bury all the disappointments of your failed marriage. Your daughter-in-law and children are innocent of what their father did to you.

Even if this woman is making a mistake, your place is to help and correct her. If God had wanted your choice of a wife for your son, nobody would been able to stop it; therefore allow this couple to be happy.

The best revenge in life is to succeed and be happy. Whatever reasons your ex may have had in abandoning you and the children, don’t give him the last laugh by being a grouch. Even if it wasn’t the reason he left you, he would eventually tell the children that he left when he couldn’t take anymore of your attitude.

Even if it was his reason, disappoint him by changing for the better.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

My parent warned me, now I’m in a mess

Dear Agatha, 

I am in a very big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my two sons will ever get out from. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of unquestionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t need care about what my father in particular said.

Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me be, he insisted I should not marry him. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man.

I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry.  I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry.

Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. He didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. 

Another thing is the frequency he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. And when he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. 

I was curious but something about his attitude and behavior made me to soft pedal. However, he recently took ill, as a matter of fact he collapse and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money.  

What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them.  Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. 

I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room.  I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately,  he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest, who according to him would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons.

He is better now. But I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do?  Can I divorce him?  I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behavior as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise.

Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

First things first,  you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake.

While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him.

But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous.

What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession;but   beyond that, he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him.  To deny him these rights is to further up his scale of suspicions against you.

Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something wasn’t right about the man you married from the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, should that have alerted you to something sinister about him, Shouldn’t you have known that it wasn’t normal a behavior for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment?

Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food?

And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into?

The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation.

The less you talk about it the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of  your father’s warning put you into.

This is because in the eyes of law you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims.

Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the charm pot you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought.

Divorce isn’t also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him?

Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seemingly withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up.

Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible.

But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children.  Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel:08054500626

Does she really love me?

Dear Agatha,

I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our constant communication, except for some few days when I was really pressed for time or had difficulties connecting with her. Since we met, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me.

Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition, I don’t there is nothing we don’t know about each other. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep, especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day.

The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise, she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep not to talk of a call from her. I want to marry her. But does she love me? Help!

Samuel.

Dear Samuel,

It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere.

Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly, there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage, unless you both take the necessary steps to help it move on. This is because there is a limit telephone can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work.

To a very large extent, you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is on the ground. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship, but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without character of the couple coming into play.

A certain amount of sacrifices is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on, if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend sometime with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable; but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic.

Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicion that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who, though calls everyday, remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks do have a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and re-assure her of your love as well as intention to marry her, if she will have you.

Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy.

As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of you life with do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable?

It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study at close range the woman who is to become the mother of your children. It is only after you had seen her, talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life.

Good luck.

Do I tell this stranger I love him?

Dear Agatha,

A few months ago, I started developing feelings for this man I have never seen. I heard from the people around him that he is a popular and down-to-earth man. As a result of this,  I decided to add him on my Facebook. I thought it was just mere admiration for him but my feelings have grown from mere feelings to something deeper. 

This is because, if I don’t have any excuse to talk to him, I would use academics related topics to make him communicate with me. I eventually got him to give me his number this way. I’ve spoken to him and I know now that what I feel isn’t just mere admiration. I’m in love and in a big dilemma now.

My friend advised me to tell him I would like to meet with him but I’m scared he might reject my offer because he is a really busy man, even if he accepts how would I tell him? What if I tell him and he thinks I’m a stalker and begins to avoid me?

On the other hand, if I fail to tell him, I’ll keep wondering for the rest of my life what would have happened if I had told him.

Agatha, he is everything I want in a man, but he’s like a star, too high up to be reached so what do I do?
Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl,

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But before you try to reach him, first X-ray your feelings for him.

Why do you think you are in love with him? What is the attraction especially for someone you haven’t met? Is it the fact that he is popular that excites your imagination and has fueled your desire to share his life? Would you have been attracted to him if he wasn’t popular and appears successful?

The issue here isn’t that you are attracted to him but that you must ascertain first to yourself why you find someone you have never met so appealing and compelling.

If you cannot convince yourself on what you feel and why, it would be difficult to make him understand your feelings for him.

This is precisely why you must first clear all the hurdles and answer the questions he will definitely ask you by the time you demand for a meeting with him to tell him how you feel about him.

His disappointment will definitely not be your feelings for him but that you are unable to even convince yourself on the reason you want him in your life.

There is no reason why you cannot meet him. Since you have established the contact, it is a simple matter of telling him you want to know the friend who has been of tremendous help to you on the issues you have discussed with him so far.

If he agrees, don’t drive him away with your come on red signs. Play it cool. Thank him for making out time to meet with you. Keep the conversation light and non-personal to give him time to soak in you personality and you the opportunity to meet with the person behind the mask.

This way, it would be easier for both of you to keep up discussion; until you feel comfortable to broach the subject of your feelings to him.

Sincerely, there is nothing out of the ordinary telling a man you like him but like I said earlier, be sure you know the person of the man and your reason for wanting this particular man in your life.

The danger of telling the wrong man you are in love with him is he misinterpreting your feelings for something else. While a matured minded man would appreciate and treat such a woman with utmost respect and care, a lousy man would see it as an opportunity to take advantage of the woman’s feelings.

This is why you must not rush into telling this man anything. Be sure he has the broadness of mind to appreciate your kind of person as well as your sincerity to come out with what you feel.

Besides, his popularity exposes him to all manner of women. I am sure you won’t be the first woman to fall for him. You have the difficult task of ensuring you are not like all the other women that have put on the red alert for him.

If you are too forward and unable to control your emotions, you risk losing forever the chance of making him know you are different from all the other women he has met.

As for being afraid of approaching him; don’t be. Fear has never achieved anything positive for anybody. Rather, it is known to rob people of their happiness.

While your situation may not be conventional, still, it isn’t strange. You cannot stop what you feel for anybody as long as it is from the heart.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626