Dear Agatha,
Thanks a million times for all your efforts. I am 32 years in a relationship with a lady who is 26. I really want to marry her, but back in the village, our intention to spend the rest of our lives together is generating so much controversy, we are of one blood.
According to our relationships, her grandmother and my mother are from the same clan.
I prayed before asking her out, and I am further convinced by events that happened after that she is my wife.
Please advice me on what to do?
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Given that we are all subject to one form of law or the other, you must respect the laws of the land you come from. If the law in your village forbids persons from the same clan to intermarry, you and your woman would be committing an abomination. It will be a grievous offence against the land if you go ahead with the marriage.
Having made up your minds to get married, this, no doubt, is a serious blow to your emotional balances, but cannot feign ignorance since your people have pointed you to the right directions.
We are all governed by certain moral laws, which though may not go down well with us when we find ourselves on the other side, the fact remains that if we desire peace, harmony and acceptance in our lives and with our choices, we must subject ourselves to these laws. Your people and tradition classify her as your kindred. Since you don’t come from the area of the country where cousins can get married not to talk of distant relatives, you cannot afford, in your interest, to ignore the warnings of your family members.
To ignore them is to do so at your own peril because even our God is one that demands obedience to established laws. Because He isn’t a law of disorders, you and your partner may find yourselves all alone fighting avoidable battle.
The spiritual problems that come from such arrangement and open defiance of such moral laws; often go beyond what the average person can confront. No reasonable church or pastor would encourage you both to ignore this sensitive aspect of your law due to the implications attached to it. Certain things are simply inexplicable when it comes to certain aspects of a people’s tradition. It is always best not to court such troubles especially when the consequences of doing so are clearly spelt out. This isn’t some fetish practice, which by the laws of God can be effectively and successfully challenged, this is the essence of a people, a law that spells out who can marry whom.
Laws and customs govern every community on earth. These laws and customs are what give the people their identity, pride, values, heritage, cosmic view and image. Every community in the world is driven by the ideals of these values. Without these laws, a people are without any identity whatsoever, no foundation and dreams. So, these laws must be kept intact for the sake of posterity. All advanced cultures in the world today, still despite civilisation, hold on to some values, which cannot be mortgaged for anything in the world.
So, it would be difficult for your people to throw away their long held identity for you. It would be too much to ask of them.
Sometimes, love can be very painful as well as difficult, when a couple is expected in the overall interest of their families as well as themselves, make the choice of a sacrifice. This is the time you must both draw on your reserve and make the necessary sacrifices for the sakes of your children and all your descendants who would no doubt be affected by any rash decisions you both take today.
At any rate the opposition against you, should you go ahead to marry, would never allow you type of happiness you crave for in the relationship! If she were your sister from another woman would you still go ahead to marry her? Definitely, you would eventually make the choice of leaving her.
It is in your interests that you both make the choice now before it goes out of hand. Whatever you two did when you didn’t know would not count but whatever you do know would and attract penalties, consequences that would put you in direct conflict with God. To this point, you haven’t done anything that would require both of you performing sacrifices but if you go beyond this point, the penalty may demand for some fetish sacrifices, which would compromise your position in the presence of God. This is a very tricky situation, which entails thorough application of wisdom if you have to go through this maze with little or no spiritual injury.
As for you knowing after prayers that she is your woman, when the heart desires something, it would always justify and read any message from God as being a confirmation of what it seeks. Because you want her in your life, chances are that you may have convinced yourself that God wants the same thing for you as you want.
As humans, we all make the mistake of attributing our personal desires to God’s plans for us.
At any rate, if God wants both of you to be an item, He would find away out of this traditional thing. Unlike you, God would make it a confrontation but would do it so effortlessly without anybody in your village or family knowing or having any issues about it.
This is provided God made you both an item. Then leave the fight for God by taking it to Him personally in prayers. He is the only one that has the powers to change things to suit His plans for His people. To fight this battle on your own is to invite the entire village to banquet. There is no way you can adequately feed the entire people of the village without incurring the wrath of some very powerful forces.
While you and your partner pray, also seek the help of your ministers to help stand gap for you. If at the end of the day, God insists there is no way, please do the right thing and let her go. God would provide you with someone better to make you happier in life. But, if He says yes, surrender everything to Him, so He can do a perfect job to the glory of His name. This battle is best fought on your knees in prayers and not through violence or unnecessary stubbornness.
Good luck.
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