Monday, April 6, 2009

Two Men Want Me For Marriage, Hard To Make Choice


Dear Agatha,

I am 24-year old lady dating a man of 29 years of age who promised to marry me. But I am keeping a secret affair with another man who also promised to marry me after his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year. He is aware of my first boyfriend but now insisting I date only him, and consequently introduced me to every member of his family.

He just gained admission into one of the polytechnics and we have been dating for three years. He is very humble.

Esther.


Dear Esther,

From the tone of your letter, it seems the second guy is your favourite. The most honourable thing for you to do at this point is to tell the other man about your change of mind.

It is bad enough that you are cheating on him. It would be very cruel if you keep encouraging him while your mind is made up to follow another man. Even though he doesn’t know about your new man, you have done enough harm to him because while you are busy enjoying two worlds, having different plans with these two men, he on the other hand has put all his hopes on you. To him now, he has a woman he hopes to marry but who unknown to him has equally given her commitment to another man.

To have allowed this second man present you to his family shows you don’t feel anything very strong for your second man. So work up the courage to end your relationship with him so he can also have the freedom to pursue happiness with another woman. He may not understand why you are doing it now but he would eventually when he meets the woman who shows him the respect and love you obviously cannot give him.

Your continued relationship with him is pointless since you lack any qualms going on with the other man. It is apparent that your confusion is not over the other man but the unfavourable situation of your second boyfriend who just gained admission into tertiary institution.

You are worried about the number of years it would take him to be ready to take as wife. The cause of your anxiety has to do with the unpredictability of the future, of the fears of rejections by him as well as your inability to wait for him to be ready.

It would do you a world of good to think deeply because this relationship is laced with so many uncertainties. There is no guarantee that he would get job as soon as he finish school or that you would be able to withstand the emotional pressure of seeing all your friends getting married while you wait for your man to be ready.

These are fears you have to face squarely now. There is no way you can eat and still have your cake. Your choice comes with some bitter pills you must make up your mind to swallow if truly you love him.

The years you have to wait for him would define how deep your love for each other is but I can tell you this, it would take a lot of sacrifices on your part more than his to make it work.

Good luck

How Possible Is It To Date Multiple Partners?


Dear Agatha,


My problem has to do with this girl I have fallen in love with but who unfortunately is in a relationship with another man. She told me when I asked her out that she would have gladly accepted my offer if she weren’t in another relationship.

The question is if it is possible for someone to date more than one person at a time?

And what should I do? This is the third girl that would be turning down my interest over the same reason. Please what should I do?

Christambass.


Dear Christambass,

Yes, it is possible for some people to be involved in multiple relationships but the question should rightly be whether it is right? No, it isn’t right. Anybody who engages in it is termed disloyal and incapable of loving anybody.

The heart is incapable of loving two people at the same time. It will always favour one person to the detriment of the other. When a man or woman is in multiple relationships, in the process of allocating time among the partners, everybody involved with that person suffers.

The essence of going into relationship is to have constant companionship to share ideals and feelings with. Once this is tampered with, and the other person not available to meet the needs of his or her partner, so many issues suffer in the process, which at the end of the day lead to the collapse of the union.

God designed a relationship from the very beginning for two persons because only one rib was extracted from Adam. When a man or woman goes into multiple relationships at the same time, it follows that he or she is stealing into someone else’s happiness and space.

This is why polygamous homes are laced with unnecessary jealousies, hatred, backbiting and dangerous rivalry because no matter how diplomatic the head of the home is, he cannot love every member of the family equally. He would always have his favourite among the wife, the one who carries his original rib.

No man originally sets out to cause confusion in his life at the point he decides to take on an extra wife but finds himself unable to stop the tide of feelings for one woman more than the others.

This is because God never meant a relationship to be between more than two persons. The formation of the human body shows that life itself is meant to be in pair.

There is no way you would be able to enjoy being in a relationship with any of these girls if they had said yes to you because their hearts are committed to other men; men who have the rights to their time and thoughts.

In any of these men shoes, how would you feel if the lady you are involved in has another man outside you? Would you ever be able to accept being responsible for any pregnancy that results from your affair with her? Would you have the confidence to plan any future with her? There are too many complexities associated with relationships, which made it impossible for a third party involvement.

It is unfortunate that all the girls you seem to be interested are all taken up by other men. But that shouldn’t discourage you from continuing your search for the right girl.
These girls are turning you down because they aren’t meant for you. When you meet the right girl, there won’t be any impediment whatsoever.

To help you make the right choice, pray to God. He knows us all, and what we need to be happy. If you talk to Him, He would make things very easy.

Good luck.