He is unserious at 31

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I’m writing to you because I hope hearing from you will ease the pain I feel and if possible, proffer a solution. Many thanks in advance. I’m a young girl of 22, just rounding off the NYSC program. I’ve been dating this guy for about three years. It has not been a very smooth one but we managed to patch it somehow. One of the reasons I respect him is because he agreed to wait to consummate the union on our wedding night as I am a firm believer in ‘’keeping the wedding bed undefiled”. He is 31 years old but acts like a 22 year old boy. It makes me sick; he tolerates unnecessary friends and still lives with his parents. He has a lot of female friends who take advantage of his nice nature. There’s so much to say but I’m sure you have an idea. However, he’s a wonderful person and he has been there for me. We lack effective communication. But I think I have fallen out of love with him and I don’t know why. Two pastors have given me prophecy that he is my husband but I can’t just understand it. Although I have told him I’m not ready for marriage he’s ready to wait. I am a young, smart, ambitious and intelligent lady. I am also very matured and comported. I’m not trying to praise myself but it took me a lot of discipline to be this way. My fallout with my boyfriend is drawing me closer to my best friend who is a guy. This guy understands me in ways my boyfriend can’t. We talk and chat for hours without getting bored. Agatha, I’m beginning to fall in love with him and I think he knows, the way we click is amazing because he stays abroad but he manages to come home often so we get to see. The only hindrance to my committing myself to him is, because he wants to get sexual and I forbid it. He has persuaded me; talked me into it. He has even tried to rape me but I still foolishly like him. He even says he will take responsibility if I am afraid of getting pregnant because he thinks that’s my major fear. I feel so comfortable and at ease with him. He makes me happy. I used to be indifferent but I get bothered and moody when I don’t hear from him in three hours. I am in a dilemma and I could go on and on. My boyfriend knows something is wrong but he thinks it’s the NYSC distance. I am just hanging on and don’t want to cut it off because of what people will say especially as he also asked my pastor to speak with me. My bestfriend will be coming to Nigeria again in two weeks time and I’m getting worried. I am so confused. Is there anything as the one man for me? How do I get my best-friend to change his view on sex before marriage because I don’t want to give in to his pressure? How do I move on and cut my best-friend away from my life because I don’t want to go against my principles? Could it be love or infatuation? How do I rekindle the love in this faded relationship if he is the one? I do not ever want to cheat on him. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, There is a lot of wisdom in not wanting to cheat on your boyfriend. From the account you gave of your best-friend, there is the need for you to exercise caution. Between likeness and love, there are several shades of feelings; some we unknowingly mistake for love. If this man is really in love with you, he won’t attempt to rape you. a man in love with a woman, no matter how strong his desires for that woman is, will never attempt to rape her. The fact that he even conceived and attempted it should alert you to his nature as well as the kind of feelings he has for you. Rape is disrespect for a woman’s feelings and rights The fact that he is offering to accept any pregnancy that results from him making love to you isn’t an assurance of how he feels about you. It is what is expected of a man that sleeps with a woman. A responsible man should be ready to accept whatever results from the act. So don’t count it has a virtue in his favor; it is his duty to accept. Herein lies the danger of a relationship with this kind of man who may just be out to sample you as a woman; include your name in the statistics of the many women he has conquered. The truth is that you are finding an excuse to end your relationship with your boyfriend because of the flaws you have noticed in his disposition to life. It isn’t such a bad thing for a man to be too nice but you are counting it as a fault because you want more excitement and fun. This is the point you get to ask yourself very honest questions. What do you want from life? Are all these negative sentiments due to the attention the other man is showering on you or that you are beginning to want more from life and think your boyfriend is boring and lacking in ambition? The wise thing to do at this important point is to sit him down for a discussion. He must know what you think of his person as well as his lack of developmental drive. The fact that he is still stays with his parents is enough reason for you to engage him in this talk. You are right to want more but you must be sure you are not giving up something precious for a mirage which at the end of the day will leave you absolutely devastated. Even if at the end of the day, you still decide to end the relationship, be very transparent about it. Let your motive for leaving him not be in doubt to anybody who hears the story. Whatever his reasons for still being with his parents at his age, must be challenged by you on the premise that it presents him as a man not in control of his life. That alone gives you a good reason to make it clear to him that if he doesn’t do something fast about the situation; having finished school, you maybe forced to end the relationship. The idea of losing you would force him to critique his situation, person and come up with something that will at the end of the day make both of you happy. No two people have the same kind of ambitions or dreams. That you are very smart, ambitious and intelligent doesn’t mean he must be all these. If you are patient enough, you will discover that beneath all the faults you think he has, there could be indelible qualities you need to come to full bloom. Every woman needs a nice and understanding man to utilize her God given gifts. The fact that he has allowed you to pursue your agenda of not compromising your body until your wedding night shows a man that is very caring. Forget what many men say in the presence of their pastors, a lot of them lack the kind of patience you described in this man to wait. The example of your bestfriend who has tried to rape you should tell you one or two positive things about the nature of your boyfriend. Don’t lose sight of this important aspect of him simply because you crave for excitement. The thing with this kind of feeling is that the woman at the end of it all becomes the victim of her own inability to properly situate her feelings. The scintillating light of today; may become your nightmare of tomorrow. Therefore, exercise patience; do this right before thinking of ending it all. There is no relationship that is perfect; even the one you think is exciting and making you consider ending your current relationship may at the end of the day be more disappointing for you. This is why you must give your boyfriend a fair hearing on all the things you think he isn’t doing right. You cannot condemn him for an offence he knows nothing about, can you? There is nothing a well thought out dialogue cannot resolve. The worst is both of you going your different ways but you must give this relationship your best as long as you are still in it. Tell your best friend to give you sometime to sort some personal things out. if he is for you, he will wait but, if he isn’t, there is nothing you can do about it. His presence is distracting you from concentrating on your existing relationship. Good luck.

Unknown to my mother, she is friends with her rival

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighborhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extend she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompanied my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food. I have caught my father severally with her but don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife. My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage. Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years of age and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating this year at all. Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home. Lola. Dear Lola, For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends. You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women but, finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words. For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It might be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back. There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first, is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend. Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you by denying you of your school fees or feeding allowances. Besides, knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know, especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationships between their wives and friends they don’t like. Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother will make him really act fast about ending the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend. Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily, to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break up so, once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing her friendship with the other woman. The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother, she may not be lucky to go unhurt. If possible, incident your visit in the nearest Police Station to her incase she gets nasty. By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good. Also, try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman. Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of. Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father. This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God. Good luck.

Help! I want my husband back

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My husband and I are having serious problems in our marriage; the kind that could either lead to both of us going our different ways or force him into bringing in another woman. Either way, I will be the loser because at 50, I won’t be able to get another man. Whereas at 55, his life appears to just be starting if the trendy way he dresses these days is anything to go by. We got married when I was just 23 and he 28. Frankly I wasn’t ready for marriage as at that time but when I got pregnant, our sets of parents insisted we marry. In addition, he wasn’t really my main boyfriend; he was just one of those guys girls couldn’t resist then; the fun boyfriend when the main guy was too busy with his studies to go out on a date. It was during one of such parties, I allowed him sleep with me and the result was the pregnancy that made us marry. In fairness to him, he did his best to make me happy. He was all over me; giving me attention as well as support but annoyance mingled with disappointment at ending up with the wrong guy made me very cold towards him. By the time I came to realise how much I loved him, it was too late for me to change. Even if I wanted to, I didn’t know how to express my love for him. This is what has brought on the problem I want you to help me with. Repeatedly, he has accused me of being unromantic, frigid and heartless. God knows I am not any of these things. It is just that he isn’t giving me a chance anymore to express how I feel for him. I know I made him suffer for the first 10 years of our marriage but in the last 17 years, I have been trying to make him see me in a different light but he isn’t giving me any chance at all. In the last four years, he has been involved with another woman. She is my age mate from what I gathered from her Facebook account. She has also had three children and is single. From their messages to each other, they are very close. I don’t care about her, what I want is my husband. Please how can I win him back, give him the kind of love he deserves and the kind of romance he wants. Although he still comes home and shares my bed with me but his heart isn’t in it. He does it to fulfill all righteousness. He is a fantastic father to his children. He practically lights up when his children walk into the room but is cold when he sees me. I seem to have lost him forever. He doesn’t even bother to discuss anything with me as he used to do when we first got married. He got tired of being the only one talking and me not saying anything. My problem is, I don’t even know where to start or what to do. Pat Dear Pat, Start from the very beginning of your relationship with him as a man, not even as a husband. Go back to the very first time you both met to begin the corrective surgery of sewing back your home to the shape you want it to be. Honestly, you have allowed the situation to drag for too long. There is a limit to human endurance and every man has his ego. A man will endure any situation as long as you don’t touch his ego. Loathing him for making you pregnant in a game you actively participated in and hating him for doing the noble thing of accepting paternity of your unborn child by marrying you for over a decade after your wedding was uncalled for. Life is not what we want but what God desires for us. This man was not at fault. He didn’t force himself on you or make the choice for you to sleep with him. You did and without protection too. The moment a woman does that, she makes the important decision of becoming a mother. So, you and not he made that choice of getting pregnant and marrying him. You knew you were in a serious relationship with someone you hoped to spend the rest of your life with but you didn’t think anything of sleeping with another man without protection? What if he had denied paternity of that child? Deep down do you think the other guy would have readily accepted the pregnancy? You have a lot to be sorry for and a lot of work to do in buying back his love and trust. It is a good thing you are not trying to fight the other woman in his life. To attempt that would amount to driving him away completely because it is from that woman he is getting all he thinks he needs as a man. This is why it is imperative you find a way of getting him to a conference table with you. After living with him for 27 years, by now you must have an idea of what he wants, his likes as well as where his interest really is. Fortunately, Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Recruit your children into your plan. Let them know what you intend to achieve; they are no longer children and would have noticed the not-so-perfect relationship between you and their father. Even though they may not have said anything out of respect and fear, they will definitely desire a happier home hence would do anything to make sure you and their father are happy together. Get them to make sure their father attends your party and conference for two. If need be, send one of them to his office to ensure he isn’t hijacked by the other woman. Once he comes home; take over. Go on your knees and apologise for the wasted years between both of you; explain your love, needs and dreams to him. At your age, you have nothing to hide anymore. Explain everything that happened; your disappointment as well as pains at not ending up with the man you thought you loved. It will help him understand so many things he didn’t about your treatment of him in the early years of your marriage. End up by telling him how much you have come to love him, appreciate him and sorry at the way you treated him all those years. Let him know if it were possible for you to turn back the hands of the clock you would have, but that you want a chance to be his wife in the true sense of the word. Tell him you are willing to do anything to make it up to him for all the years you made him suffer. Plead with him to forgive you as well as the opportunity to be his ideal woman. The fact that he still comes home, shares your bed shows that the fire for you has not completely left his heart; your treatment of him certainly is responsible for the decisions he made to search for a woman to make him happy. Even if he fails to thaw the first time, don’t be discouraged; remember what you are trying to undo took 27 years to build. Even the walls of Jericho didn’t disappear within 24 hours; it took the children of God seven days of vigil to bring it down. You have to exercise patience in redressing all the problems you created in your home. From now on, make it a point of duty to pamper your husband with love, affection, attention and little gifts that will make him smile whenever he remembers. Woo him back shamelessly with your body by adorning yourself in very enticing clothes, nightgowns as well as innovative lovemaking that will make him want to stay with you. Learn to respect him always. This is absolutely important. I have emailed some ideas I cannot share on this page to your email address; hope you find them useful. Above all, enthrone God as the Supreme Head of your home. Don’t worry; you will smile at the end of the day through the help of God. Good luck.