With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very low self-esteem despite my educational qualification. I am a graduate of Mass Communication.
From an early age, my sisters and I were given the impression by our parents that we were worth nothing; that only their male children were the real children.
While we the female children were sent to public schools, the male children who are far younger were sent to good schools with boarding facilities. We grew up with the impression of being second hand citizens.
We were forbidden to have friends, both males and females. Our routine was house to school or church and then back to the house. We were not even allowed to visit relations.
Apart from this, we were often forced by beatings to admit to something we never did. So, whenever any issue comes up and our parents accuse us, we simply admit to doing it because whether we did it or not, we would still be punished, to the extent of having injuries. Even as an adult today, the scares of those injuries are still very visible on my body.
Throughout my university days, I could not make any friend, even though
I would have loved to have a good and reliable one. So often times, I was labelled a very proud and arrogant girl. No matter how hard I tried, I could not mingle.
Now, I am out of the university and working. I find it difficult relating with people the way I should. Because of this, some people think I am arrogant while others say I am aggressive. But I know the truth of it all is that I am being hunted by a very high degree of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.
I cannot look at any body straight in the eyes. I feel very shy, even though I am not an introvert, yet I am not humorous. I don’t know how to make people around me warm and laugh.
My boss had told me to be more amiable and friendly but no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed faked.
Besides this, I am a very fearful person. Any little thing scares me, makes me shiver and keeps me off balance. My boss and every other person at my office have noticed this weakness in me. Often times, I see myself as an underdog, I allow people to cheat me and go away unable to fight for my right.
Generally, I am very boring. I also think I am not very wise, smart and intelligent even though I am very beautiful.
Please I need your help, teach me to be a good and wholesome lady to everyone around me and even to my very self.
Ayo.
Dear Ayo,
There is no help anybody can render if you refuse to help yourself. If you continue to put yourself down, it is only expected that people would follow your example. You are what you say are. If you say you are worthless, unintelligent, dull and uninteresting, people will hook on to the signals you are transmitting to place you.
Deep down do you think, given the type of parents you have they would have wasted their resources on you if you weren’t intelligent or didn’t give them sufficient reasons to know they weren’t wasting their money on an unproductive investment? And do you think your boss would have kept you if he weren’t gaining anything from employing you? That he is only concerned about your disposition shows he is very satisfied with the quality of your job.
What happened has happened. The only way to change a bad past is with determined success. You must do everything within you to refocus your life from the path of hatred, low self-esteem to happiness for your sake as well as for the sake of your future children.
You must resolve to do things differently and successfully too by shunning everything that brings back those painful memories of yesteryears.
It is the only way to show your parents that they were wrong and unjust in the way they responded and treated you and your sisters as well as make them remorseful for all the things they did to you all.
What you are battling with is no longer the attitude of your parents but the memories of all the things they did to you. Your parents you can cope with by either avoiding them completely or challenging them with your success and forcing them to apologise to you and your sisters.
But you cannot confront your memories without a determination not to allow it affect the way you respond to things around you now that you are an adult. Memories are very powerful and potent so much so it can ruin success if not well managed.
The only way you can challenge these painful reminders of your past is remembering the good side of these people. Yes, the pains may be more but at least they didn’t stop you girls from acquiring an education. That you are today a graduate is a testimony of their acknowledgment of your rights as a human being. Many female children of parents like yours were never given a chance to go to school. Many of them became premature mothers even before they left their diaper years.
Be grateful that you didn’t have to struggle to get an education on your own or wife to a man you don’t love as well as mother to children you aren’t emotionally prepared or matured enough to nurture. Had any of these happened, your story could have been worse? So be grateful that your parents despite their way of thinking still saw the need to send you to school.
Perhaps if you look at their attitude from another angle, the memory of your time with them might change a little with better understanding of why they did certain things.
Their willingness to sponsor your education to the university level, even if you attended public schools, shows they were not totally indisposed to your welfare as a woman. Only a set of parents with sound educational value would sponsor their girls to school. Therefore their attitude could have been informed by other factors they were not prepared to disclose to you and your sisters.
One possibility is fear. The girl child is very delicate and the nightmare of many parents, who never cease to worry about the unexpected happening. Although, it is something they never admit to, the fear of a girl child being sexually abused or getting pregnant before her time is never far from the mind of a parent. From the beginning of creation, parents have had the challenge of how best to control and manipulate the hormonal influence on the girl child. This has led to parents and the society taking many measures, some very dehumanising, like circumcision to put the girl child under control.
Your parents may have adopted harshness and an uncaring attitude to put your sisters and you in check, a sort of measure to ensure you don’t get derailed. They used the weapon of fear to instill discipline. It is their way of ensuring you have a solid moral ground. It is the only way they know.
You may not have found it funny but if you look at your experience as the desperation of a set to ensure their girls don’t go astray, your memories won’t hurt so much.
You need to feed your mind with something positive to neutralise whatever pains your past has imprinted on your mind.
In a way, you may never completely get over the memories but giving yourself the opportunity to trust in those around you would go a long way in helping your come to terms with your past as well as the peace to be happy with who you are, those around you and your choices.
Your parents were too hampered by their own fears to trust their daughters hence their attitude. To overcome, you must learn to trust. With trust comes faith and with it come friendship and an understanding to do the impossible.
You don’t have become a social butterfly to be friendly but offering understanding and a smile could change the way a lot of people regard you. With it also comes the confidence to do the impossible.
Importantly, use whatever disadvantage of your past to build a new focus of strength for yourself. A lot of people have turned experiences like yours to their strength. God never allows anything to happen without a reason.
You are now an adult, no longer a child, hence cannot continue to blame your parents for your own decisions. You no longer have an excuse to blame your past because you are now responsible for your choices as well as the future. Very soon people around would get tired of you using your past as an excuse for your failure to do certain things. Then it wouldn’t be your parents’ problem but yours.
At this stage in your life, nobody can put you down if you don’t allow anyone to. Nobody has the right to make your decisions for you if you don’t give them the right to. You are past the age of permission and have everything in you to effect changes in your life in the areas you don’t like. You don’t have to fight to have your rights restored. By simply and politely insisting on your rights and decisions would warn people against taking liberties with you.
Yes, your parents made a lousy job of parenting you. Since then, what have you done beyond blaming your parents for your woes, to give your life the colours it deserves to be happy?
Getting rid of your fears begins with believing in yourself and your abilities as a person. You are afraid because you have failed to identify what you are good at. Recognising it would give you the confidence to terminate fear in your life.
Asking God for His reasons as well as His desires would provide you with new dreams that might help secure the understanding of parents for their female children.
Our experiences in life are always meant to build us as well as help the society become better.
Good luck.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Virgin girl waiting for my love, but…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have known this girl for 12 years even though I live outside Nigeria and only visit occasionally.
Since knowing her, she has always maintained her claims to be a virgin. Her usual reason is fear occasioned by the attendant pains of being deflowered.
We communicate regularly, thanks to her resilience. She is the one always pushing for constant communication between us. I love her but not as much as she clearly loves me.
Sometime ago, I came back to Nigeria and called to meet with her after nine years.
I was in for a shock as her appearance has undergone some changes. Unlike the trim woman I knew the last time l saw her, she is now very fat and not in anyway beautiful. We have spent one week together and still fought over sex as she was always crying in pains. I later found out that she was telling the truth about being a virgin. I left her like that.
Now my problem is that this girl is very short and ugly, just opposite of me, and my family members don’t like her. She wanted me to promise her marriage but I don’t love her enough to make such promise. Ever since then she has been crying, even over the phone. She has kept telling me she would never be happy with another man in her life.
With her soft tone of voice and good character, I am very confused on what to do. Above all, she is kind hearted.
Confused Man.
Dear Confused Man,
Although you didn’t state your age, but if you have been abroad for 12 years, it means you are old enough to take your decision.
There is no way physical changes wouldn’t have overtaken her after all these years. Nine years are a long time. Everyday we spend on earth the human body goes through both physical and internal changes. I am sure like her your body too has undergone some physical changes. It is the beat of time, which we must all dance to.
Physical beauty doesn’t guarantee marital happiness rather those aspects of her you find irritable or aren’t sensitive to are the real ingredients behind successful relationships and marriage.
The thing is for you to first come to terms with what you really want from life albeit marriage. There is no way you would really know the woman that is good for you or capable of helping you achieve what you want without first having an idea of that thing.
Therefore ask yourself this all-important question. What kind of marriage and life have you always hoped for? What kind of woman do you think would help you achieve it? Is it a kind hearted one, the kind that is understanding, has the patience to grow you from who you are to what you want to be? The kind of woman who is tolerant and selfless, who is your friend and who would go out of her way to listen to you, give you helpful suggestions even when she is very tired and wants to sleep, the kind that places your happiness above hers?
Or is it the kind who is too busy to attend to you: is more preoccupied by her looks and fashion to remember the things that make you happy as a man?
Experience has taught many of us that we live with the character of a person and not looks. A man or woman may have all the a-class looks without having the right kind of character to make anybody happy. In the real world, character more than physical attributes is what holds the candle any day. It is what gives glow when the night is darkest and solution appears to have gone on permanent leave.
Everyman needs a good and loyal wife to be complete, to compliment his efforts as a man. Deep down, irrespective of this woman’s looks, do you think she has what it takes in terms of behaviour to give you the kind of happiness we all crave for later in life?
One thing you should always bear in mind is this, after a while some of the things we promote as being very important cease to be once we cross a particular age. This is the point where reality hits us on the head with a sledgehammer.
When a man or woman gets to that point, nothing else matters but that which is within matters.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t realise the price of things we are throwing away when we premise our choices on those things that really don’t add value to our lives at the end of the day.
This is where the frustrations and regrets so many couples experience in their marriages begin.
Whatever reservations you have against her appearance can still be managed, which is why you should really be honest with yourself. Are you leaving her because your family members don’t like her and that you consider her ugly or that you don’t love her at all? There is a huge difference between your not liking her and your family members not wanting her to be part of your life. If you truly don’t feel anything for her, explain your reasons once again to her. Remind her that it takes two to tangle and that you would have wished to marry her but what you feel for her isn’t strong enough to make her happy.
Do this because after waiting for you for 12 years, all her hopes are understandably on you. Don’t also forget the fact that she must have turned so many men down all because she thought she had a husband in you. The fact that you still met her as a virgin underscores the kind of discipline she must have exercised to stay that way.
Telling her you are no more interested would therefore take more than whatever it is you have told her to make it stick. You must find time to come back and really explain things to her. It won’t be fair to end such a long time relationship on phone. Granted it would cost you money to come back but do it for posterity and for your future peace of mind.
It might help to see how you can settle her for the time and efforts she has put into this relationship. You may think it isn’t necessary but do it to give you the spiritual freedom to move on with your life. Hell has no fury like that of a scorned woman, this is because nothing you say would make sense to her now or prevent her from taking a step she may later regret.
Though your efforts may never be enough for her to make up for the years she waited for you to be ready but it would be on record that you did your best.
Once you have done this, move on with your life irrespective of how she feels or what she says. She may not realise it now, but in later years she would definitely have reasons to be grateful you didn’t marry her when she meets the man that would always treat her with respect and like a queen.
But if you think she has all the qualities that would make you happy ignore her looks or what anybody thinks of her. Not everybody in your family is under any obligation to like her. Besides, you are old enough to know what you want. If she were morally bankrupt, you won’t meet her the way you met her.
You can always help her achieve the kind of appearance that makes you happy. Marriage is a journey of many bumps and a personal one, hence you need a partner you are comfortable with as well as whose presence in your life would make the journey interesting and happy.
Before taking the final decision, do take a total look at your life, both now and the future. Importantly, talk to God intimately on His plans for you.
Good luck.
Can milk hamper ejaculation in man?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please help me. I consume milk a lot and don’t know if it is affecting my sex life. Does milk affect ejaculation in any form? Please help me. My friend has jokingly told me that it would affect my sex life.
Jacob.
Dear Jacob,
The only harm that comes from drinking milk is the extra weight you get to add if it isn’t skimmed milk.
If you have the tendency to add, ensure you take it in moderation. Life is about moderation. Obesity can be in the way of a fulfilling sex life. Once you cross a certain age, skimmed milk is the best. With it, you get to enjoy all the benefits of milk without the fat.
Good luck.
Must he jilt me over mum’s messy past?
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you so much for the sacrifices made towards solving problem in relationship.
I am in my early 20s and completed my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few months ago. I am into a relationship that has matured for marriage. Though we intended settling down, but on the course of our courtship I told my fiancé everything about my life.
I told him that my siblings and I were born outside wedlock for different fathers. He was taken aback and confused. He told me to ask my mother who my father is and where he comes from. When I did, my mother told me that he lives in the north and married with children.
This is the bone of contention now in their family on the grounds that I will take after my mother. The fact that my elder sister is married appears not to mean anything to them. I am the second child. Agatha, does it mean I was wrong to have told him everything about me? Should I be held responsible for my mother’s choices? Is it right for me to be denied marriage to my ideal man because of these choices she made? What do I do about the whole thing?
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
Give it up to God. You haven’t done anything wrong in telling him the truth because honesty remains the best policy, and such a priceless commodity. At any rate, he still would have found out one way or the other, nothing is hidden under the sun. By then, he would have accused you of deliberately withholding the information from him while deceiving him into marrying you.
Chances are that you might end up not enjoying the marriage, as he would always hold it as excuse to misbehave. At least if nothing else now, you have the freedom to make another choice, the chance to be happy with a man who would accept you for who you really are and not one who isn’t ready to look beyond the substance to the chemical composition of what they see.
His attitude towards the information you gave him concerning your mother shows that he doesn’t have the kind of trust for you and the fact that he doesn’t know you well enough to know what you are capable of doing and what you can’t do. Any relationship that lacks the basic trust as its energiser cannot run for long. He must have a certain amount of trust for you and you also in him to weather successfully the storms associated with relationships and marriage. Often that not, it is not enough to recite the “I love you” slogan alone. It takes more than that to get a relationship on the road successfully. Its foundation must be concretised with plenty of trust, belief in each other’s integrity, respect as well as appreciation of the other’s person’s history to fuel it to full activation. If he wants to settle down with you, he must learn to deal with your past. Your past makes you complete and part of the person he claims to be in love with. No matter how dirty this past could be; it is what has made you the unique person you are now. Besides that, you cannot be held accountable for your mother’s experiences or decisions. You had nothing with the choice of her as your mother. God did all that and to condemn you for your relationship to your mother is to query the decision of the Almighty.
What should have been of concern to him be whether you are like your mother? Since knowing you, have you ever given him any reason to suspect you of any kind of moral duplicity? The kind that would make you break his heart along the line, make you wander from man to man? These are questions you should ask him: If he is breaking up with you over your mother’s past lifestyle or because he finds in you some unquestionable traits. His answers would be if nothing helps you know areas of your own limitations as well. It could just be the reason for this relationship as not all relationships are meant to end in marriage. At every point in our lives, God always sends a helper to show us the right path to go. It is a matter of recognising the role everyone we meet along life’s journey has been assigned to play by our creator.
What you did by telling him was to give him the choice to either stay or let you be. Don’t feel bad at all. The onus is on him to prove his love for you, to show you that he is more than matured enough to know that you and your mother aren’t the same.
If he appreciates truth in life, he would come back. But if he leaves you, don’t worry because he is only making way for your right man, the one whose bone you are to come into your life. Just lean more on God to do His work in your life.
Good luck.
My wife doesn’t believe in me…
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha
I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing. I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job.
She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down, as time wasn’t on her side.
At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding.
She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me.
We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she received the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house, who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later.
Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the month.
I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church.
Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship would be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behaviour of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do?
Troubled Soul.
Dear Troubled Soul,
Understanding in a marriage isn’t what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this crossroad because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices.
Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy.
While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union.
You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her of the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony.
If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings.
The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been firmer and more definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough, given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Everyman that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check.
Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts comes up now.
For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and re-plan your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will.
That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home.
Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. Go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning.
Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter.
Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you.
To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier.
There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her.
When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind.
You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails.
In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve.
Good luck.
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