Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My friend accuses me of desiring her man

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have this issue disturbing my mind and which often makes me very sad. There is this friend of mine; we are both in the same school and live in the same neighbourhood. Her husband’s friend saw my picture on her Blackberry (BB) and expressed an interest in me which I initially turned down. As her wedding date approached, I became a constant visitor to their house and there I met this man again. My friend and her husband talked me into dating this man. Since my boyfriend isn’t based in Nigeria, and the fear that he might change his mind as is often the case with people who travel abroad, I succumbed to pressures of my friend and husband. Agatha, before we started dating, I made it clear to this man that we won’t have sex until I am sure of his intentions but I later got to know he was only after my body so we broke up. But unknown to me, he was relaying everything we discussed to my friend and husband, including the ones I told him about them especially the bit about my friend’s husband trying to woo me through BB chat. I got to know all these when my friend called me to see her after close of work. I was shocked at the things she claimed the man said I told him. She was very angry about the one I said about her husband trying to woo me before their wedding. When it happened, I shared it with some friends who told me not to tell her anything about it. When she told me everything the man said I told him, I couldn’t defend myself against all the lies rather I just started weeping. That night I sent him very nasty text messages prompting my friend’s husband to call me the next day to warn me that I will be held responsible if anything should happen to his friend. My friend’s husband said there is no way his friend will cook up those things he claimed I told him if I didn’t say them. I felt bad because from what my friend’s husband was saying it was obvious they both set me up. God knows I have been a good friend to his wife. I know the reason for this, my refusal to have sex with him; a fact my friend claimed to be true since he made reference to that. What should I do? I am sad at the accusation that I want to snatch my friend’s husband. It is painful and humiliating. Tolulope. Dear Tolulope, Candidly, you were wrong to discuss your friend or her husband behind them. The fact that you even mentioned them to this man makes you liable. Since you made up your mind at the beginning not to discuss what transpired between you and your friend’s husband with this friend, you shouldn’t have raised it with a friend you met through them. Mentioning the incident to a man you weren’t sure of, a friend to the man who also tried to date you, was wrong. Being friends, there is no way, he would keep such information away from his friend. The fact that your friend’s husband tried to date you was enough reason to have totally declined the offer of friendship from his friend. The signs that they were both setting you up for the kill was there from the beginning but, you failed to notice. How can a man who also tried to date you willingly encourage you to date his close friend? At that point, your warning bells should have sounded the alarm. Next time, be careful of any kind of situation that will get you into trouble. Most people who hear their side of the story will conclude you were really jealous of your friend; enough to make a pass at her husband. And coming from the man the world knew you were in a relationship with, will certainly make the story appear to be true. The conclusions would be he left you when he found out that you are the kind of friend and woman not to be trusted. Only very few will believe your story that he is telling these tales out of pains and disappointment at your refusal to sleep with him. For the sake of your safety, desist from sending him or any of them text messages. Control your temper and be mindful of the kinds of threat messages you send to this man. With this kind of man, you have to be careful since you don’t know the extent he is likely to go in dealing with you. Men have been known to kill women for refusing to have sex with them. Anyway, the harm has been done. Move on with your life. You don’t have to prove anything to your friends; obviously their minds are made up about you and the more you try to clear your name, the messier, the matter becomes. The best thing in this kind of situation is for you to ignore them entirely. Stay away from her home, if she wants to continue your friendship, limit it to your school interactions and be careful, you don’t say anything to her. Wisdom demands you manage the situation for the sole purpose of protecting your image and reputation. Sincerely, you are the only one that can make the difference in this whole thing. If you adopt an attitude of ignoring whatever your friend says or how she reacts to you, by maintaining a dignified silence, it will soon blow over. You have nothing to prove at all if you are innocent; only the guilty try so hard to prove their innocence. As long as your mind is clear; that what you said was in good faith, let her attitude or conclusions about you not bother you. Knowing God as much as I do, He will eventually establish the truth. But until he does, keep your peace. Another thing you should do, especially if this friend of yours has the address of your boyfriend is to find ways of telling him about this incident. You really don’t have anything to lose but a lot to gain since you already doubt the future of this relationship. The reason you must come clean with the truth is, the likelihood of your friend getting to him with the lies before you even have a chance of telling him the truth. At any rate, if this happens, whatever you are trying to conceal now will have to be said by you. So why not tell him first? If he has the plans to come for you, this incident will hasten him to make plans for both of you to be together and if he doesn’t, you will know from his attitude; hence a clear picture of what you should do with your life. The truth is, you cannot go on like this. It is either you have a boyfriend with a solid plan for you or you have none therefore the need for you to go on with your life. This incident happened because you are not together and particularly as you are not sure of what he has in stock for you. As a young woman, your shelf-span has an expiry date. The reality on ground is, both of you haven’t been able to come with clear plans of the future. This is the time both of you should do some very honest, talk; not the kind that is keeping you in limbo of not knowing how to proceed from the point he left you. If you don’t tackle this outstanding issue with your boyfriend, you will continue to fall into this kind of mess with friends who overtime will either think you are an easy lay or out to steal their men. You cannot rule out the possibility of your friend discussing this issue with other female friends of your group. They may not say anything to you but, their attitude towards you whenever they are with their men will tell you what they think of you. If you have a man of your own, none of them will be bold enough to act rudely to you. Therefore, use the opportunity of this incident to address the future of your relationship with your foreign based boyfriend. Let him tell you what his plans are in plain English; in addition, he must take steps by informing and instructing his family members about your relationship. It might just be that this incident happened for the purpose of making you move beyond the point you have stationed yourself as a result of your association with your overseas boyfriend. Good luck.

I’m four months older

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. But I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? Miss E.C Dear E.C., There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one. Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of you both falling in love. Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of. You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you. Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you. Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts. You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman. What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you. Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in. Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you. Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you. Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend. This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship. Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him. The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first. Good luck

The kernel of choices within

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com To have a successful marriage begins with the voyage of self discovery. Many a time, a lot of people are ignorant of who they really are, thereby inflicting their partners with issues they know nothing of. Painfully, who they really are goes beyond the faces they see in the mirror. Knowing the kind of fashion tastes, people and events one likes to be seen in and with isn’t the same thing as meeting the person within. Man’s inability to constantly subject the inner man to critical assessment has robbed him of that ceaseless chance to be happy in the choice of a life partner. This penchant to advertise the mundane over real substances is daily depriving the marriage institution of its value, magnificence, significance and essence. The resultant effect is the colossal disappointment it has become to many. Unfortunately, the entire blame of this collapse is unfairly being dumped on the institution rather than on the people and values taken into it. On its own, the institution is still as God designed it to be – providing man with an umbrella and platform to enjoy the special gift of sex as well as conduct the task of procreation with responsibility. It is also meant to provide man and woman a place to pull resources, strength and character to help build and develop a dependable world. Agonizingly, the sorry state of many marriages today point to the double standards of the older generation; the very reason the younger generation spurns and sneers at feeble attempts by the society not only to discuss the challenges of the institution but also to announce a caution for the youths to emulate. Overtime, the youths through the muddled-up choices and bad examples of their parents and adults around them, have taken it upon themselves to draw the imaginative conclusion that marriage isn’t any big deal after all. As a matter of fact, some of them now see the institution as a glorified prison designed to deny them the expression of freedom and self actualisation. Very unfortunate though, the youths draw their conclusions from the confusions of their parents’ choices. So how do we go back to the primeval function of marriage? How do we make it attractive again for the younger generation to want to come into and sustain? The first step is to begin with self discovery. Who is really inside you? Unknown to a lot of people, the success or otherwise of a marriage has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. Rather, it is what the person is, on the inside. Therefore, having a good marriage is to meet with the person within. This calls for absolute sincerity with oneself. There is no moving forward in life without a thorough appraisal of who we really are. Often than not, this is where the problems in marriage begin. God in His infinite mercy and wisdom has given us a gauge in life. Once we exceed the measure of our tolerance level and ability, the tendency is for us to experience overflow in our reactions to issues. For some of us, our tanks are bigger and better at accommodating and assimilating situations; whereas, some tanks are small with very short circuit, which goes off at the sight of little pressures. Knowing who you are, admitting your ability and acknowledging your limitations, makes a whole lot of difference when making the decision of who to team up with in life. Every man owes it to posterity to tell himself or herself the truth at this critical time of self examination. To lie is to put another person’s happiness in jeopardy. As so many people have found out too late, lying about one’s ability or pretending to be who one isn’t, crumbles a marriage faster than a caterpillar tractor would bring down a building. Facing up to the truth about one’s own inabilities is the real foundation of having a successful home. It enables one to look out for a partner who has the elasticity to cope at all times, with one’s inability. For instance, a woman with a bad temper will end up doing herself and children injustice by marrying a man with the same degree of temper. If a man who is naturally neat falls in love with a woman who though has a pretty face but is dirty and uncultured, he will have himself to blame at the end of the day for his failure to tell himself the truth when it mattered most. For a marriage to work, every intending couple must look beyond the physical presentation or features of the other person. Ideally, this is what courtship is meant to achieve. Every man and woman must give each other a chance to be happy from the beginning by learning to look at the enduring qualities rather than perishables. This is the area parents and the society must offer their experiences to the youths. Life itself is a process of mistakes but, a good support group of those who have gone through the process in the past can help lessen the impact of such mistakes as well as prevent them from being made in the first place. Since sex is a concomitant and extremely important aspect of marriage, every young man and woman must be clear on his or her sexual preferences as well as strength. To gloss over the issue and importance of sex is to set one’s marriage on a precipitous position from its very foundation. An intending couple should never be shy to discuss the issue of sex since many of the marriages that are collapsing cite sexual incompatibility as the main culprit. Our contemporary society has made sex a real issue, one a wise intending couple must be bold enough to discuss. Being a virgin doesn’t deny man’s primitive knowledge of sex. Even if the body is intact, man’s awareness isn’t because it’s inherent. Therefore, talking about it should never be neglected. Both man and woman should never lie about what they want in and outside the bedroom. It is a simple matter of trusting each other. When a man or woman is definite about his or her wants, it makes it easier to know what to look for in another person. This takes away the frivolous, mundane and very illiterate qualities men and, women especially, throw up when asked the important things they want in their partners. Every couple must also be able to develop a culture of communication. After marriage, partners forget to talk to each other. They do everything expected of them as a couple but neglect the important one of talking to each other. Unfortunately, the day a couple stop talking as friends, partners and companions, they unknowingly begin to dig holes into the foundation of their union. Effective communication breeds friendship, trust, progress and stability in the home. Often times, when a couple forgets to talk about the important things, but only talk about house-keeping, the children and maintenance of the home, trust gives way to suspicion and the birth of strange bed fellows. If nothing is done, the house becomes boring and unexciting, forcing the couple to seek friendship and satisfaction elsewhere. The essence of friendship in a relationship insulates it from mischief makers, family interferences and other minor but irritating habits that daily contribute to the collapse of marriages. Friendship enables a marriage to survive the storms of life because it brings about a rare understanding and appreciation of self endurance in the process of building a home. Friendship helps a couple live in each other’s mind and soul bringing out the reason God created the institution. Definitely, every marriage needs the helping hands of God to sail in the right direction. Every woman desirous of having a successful marriage should not be far from her knees. She should learn to pray about everything concerning her home; rather than nag, quarrel or fight her man or her in-laws, she should converse with God instead to direct her. Some women have fought themselves out of their homes simply because they lacked the wisdom to tackle certain issues. It is the duty of every mother to teach her daughter the golden rule of tolerance. No matter how difficult a mother-in-law is, a good wife must for the sake of her husband put up with her. To force a man to choose between his mother and wife is perhaps one of the most cruel option any woman can offer her husband. A man’s mother is as important as his wife. If she didn’t bring him to the world, didn’t look and care for him, what man will the woman marry? In conclusion, every couple must be knowledgeable about what they want from the very beginning else they leave the canoe of their lives to chance. Marriage isn’t a game of chance rather it is one that demands a bouquet of reality to make it happen. Appreciation Dear Readers, I want to use this opportunity of my birthday, to thank you all for being there. I cannot thank you all enough for your outpour of love since I announced that I will be 50 today. God bless you all. Agatha.

I want more than I am getting from him

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue plaguing my less than a year old marriage. My husband and I met in the church. We decided to abstain from sex until our wedding night even though we were both been sexually active before we met. It was tough for me but I decided to play the good girl especially as he appears to be happy with the situation. At that point, I didn’t want him having the wrong impression of me in addition to being grateful at my luck at finding a man to marry. At 29, it appeared I wasn’t going to find any man interested in me enough to want to keep me in his house. The first time we made love was a disappointment. He didn’t go past the elementary stage for me. But since it was our wedding night, I had to pretend I was okay with the situation. I had to go to the bathroom that night to stimulate myself, something I hadn’t done in a very long time. The next day, I tried to engage and direct his interest but he didn’t like the things I was suggesting; from the look on his, he wasn’t comfortable so I backed off but that didn’t mean I was also happy. One month was already enough for me to be thoroughly sexually frustrated. The funny thing is that he hasn’t noticed my attitude to sex. For me, he is very weak sexually. He simply cannot satisfy me in bed; I want more than I am getting. Besides, he also thinks making love should be restricted to certain times of day and days of the week. I find his attitude frustrating. Before I met and married him, I dictated the number of times I made love. I confided in the pastor’s wife and all I got from her were lectures on how to be a good woman; that responsible wives don’t elevate sex to positions of importance in a marriage. If he doesn’t change I might be forced to look outside for satisfaction like most women I know are doing once I give birth. For instance, since I got pregnant, he hasn’t come close to me whatsoever. He has kept his distance forcing me to continue in my habit of self stimulation. Agatha, even though, some people out there may find my situation annoying, the truth is that my husband’s attitude is forcing me to consider other options. Take for example the offer of his best friend’s wife; who has offered me lesbianism as a way out of my sexual frustration. She confided that she opted for that option to protect her marriage and the image of her husband who is a pastor. I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do because I respect and love my husband but the truth is I am too much of a woman to continue living like this. What do I do with my marriage and self. It is so frustrating because I lack the vaguest idea of how to proceed with my marriage and husband. Is there anything you can do for me? I am not a bad woman just a woman who wants to be happy in her womanhood. Frustrated Wife. Dear Frustrated Wife, No matter what some people say, sexual satisfaction is integral to the success of a marriage. It is your right to be happy as married woman and to enjoy the full benefits of sex. But rather than go around telling people, inviting different kinds of opinions that might at the end of the day derail your marriage, why not summon the courage to discuss your unhappiness with your husband? If he isn’t satisfying you, let him know how his attitude to your desires is affecting the quality of your relationship with him and as well as the dangers it present to your marriage. Unless there is a determined effort to sustain communication in a marriage, so many things can get go very wrong. There is no way your husband can ever correctly guess how his understanding of sex is affecting you negatively. Perhaps until he met you, no woman has ever complained about his sexual ability or disability as the case maybe. If this is the case, your experience will definitely be new to him; and unless you take steps to educate him on how to meet you half way, he will assume you are satisfied with his performance. Therefore, you have to look for an opportune time, when he is in a good mood, to introduce the subject to him. The reason you must thread carefully is the sensitivity of the issue at hand. If you don’t apply wisdom, chances are, you might be sending the wrong signals to him. What you should do is begin by asking him what his view on sex is. It could come from what his parents told him about sex, his social circle and his own attitude towards the subject of sex. There are some people who simply don’t like sex at all. These series of questions will give you an insight into where the problem is coming from. It is best to show understanding from the view point of the other person. This man is your husband; you have to find ways of helping him come to a better understanding of his sexuality. It isn’t something you can do overnight but one that has to be gradual. Follow this by asking him about his fantasies. Somewhere in his mind and past, he must have nurtured some sexual fantasies which he lost in the process of remodeling himself into who he currently is. Between all these, also let him know certain things about yourself; your sexual preferences and how you have cultivated it over the years as well as how it is going to be difficult to completely let go of certain things from your past. This discussion is to prepare the ground for a new sexual understanding between you and your husband. Through this discussion, he will come to realize some of your frustration as well as the implications for the marriage if he doesn’t take steps to meet you half way. This talk will also help him come to a realization that sex during pregnancy isn’t harmful rather it is even recommended to help the woman during actual labour. Let him know at this point that you won’t be able to survive nine months of not having sex. Often times the pretenses of women are the reasons men continue to deny them of their rights. He is your husband; your final bus-stop as far sex with another man goes. So why pretend about what you want when you have nowhere else to go? A man who isn’t getting it right at home can go outside his home for fulfillment but a woman can’t. So demand for your right. You also have to help him by teaching him the things he doesn’t know about sex. This is why you must first obtain his trust and understanding to prevent doubts in your marriage. There are certain men who view discussion of sex by their wives as an admission of having extra martial affairs. Having that frank discussion will help open his mind to whatever suggestions you have to make concerning the alternatives open to both of you. This is the point you do away with shame as a woman. Marital problems come in different forms; unless a woman is resilient as well as determined, the problems and frustration will keep mounting until the problems overwhelm her and her marriage. And sex? Is the worst kind of problem a woman has to contend with in her marriage because nobody wants to listen to her or understand her situation. Even the women who have similar issues in their marriages pretend it isn’t an issue and instead of being sympathetic, join the others in accusing her of wrong doing. Look for adult books and tapes that will help you and your husband come to a fuller understanding of your bodies. In addition, use your knowledge of the topic to brighten your marriage. No matter how rigid your man is, under your expert hands, he will thaw. Men are different from women because they are instigated by sight and touch As a woman of experience you should know that the key to a having quality sex is having a knowledge of your partner’s body. Every man or woman has a very tender spot. Explore his body and see what happens at the end of the day. You should be able to read your husband like a book: you should know what every page on his body contains; without you saying anything to him, you can through your knowledge bring out the best in him. However, his cooperation will help you achieve your aim of ensuring sexual compatibility faster. As for the wife of your husband’s best friend, stay away from her. Her answer isn’t the right one just as the response of your pastor’s wife should be ignored. We aren’t built alike; while some women can ignore this aspect of their beings, some women like you cannot. By tailoring your need to suit you, you open your heart and mind more to tackle other issues in your marriage. Good luck.