Dear Agatha,
It is extremely painful having to share this with you, but I need help. In 2007, I met my girlfriend in a club house. Because of the feelings I have for her, I counselled her to stop patronising the club and that I would do whatever it takes to make her happy. My intention was to make her feel 'wanted' and as well a woman of honour among her friends.
Little did I know that I was digging my own grave! She didn't stop and so was persisted in sleeping with any man who does as much as smile at her even though she comes around me.
I went to her graduation party where she gave me the disgrace of my life. In her room, unknown to me was her latest catch. Because of him, she completely ignored me. I got really angry and slapped her for treating me in that manner, a development that made her new catch and I fight. That night, she left to sleep with him while I spent the night in her hostel room on my own.
The funny thing is that I still love her. What do I do?
Andrew.
Dear Andrew,
Some love stories are more of painful sacrifices than good feelings. If you want this girl desperately in your life, you must be prepared to tolerate and endure emotional pains as well as torture till she is ready to see things your way.
From what you have said, it would be a pure waste of time to tell you not to continue to love her. Besides, some kinds of love are meant to happen outside the scale of norms. Yours is a typical example of falling in love outside standard procedure.
Trust me, this isn't going to be the usual bed of roses, no, this would come with all the hard thorns that would not only pierce your skin but perforate your blood vessels in the process of breaking and mending her. And violence is certainly off limit. You cannot convince her to stay or make her change her mind when you violate her person physically.
Whatever her offence may be, you didn't have to slap her. It was very wrong of you especially as you are trying to reform her ways. Your action is also a bit worrisome in that it showcases you as a man lacking in self-control as well as unsure of himself.
To lead a woman, a man must be self-assured, calm and calculated, like a panther. A more assured man would have calmly studied his opponent with all the niceties in the world before walking away from the scene.
That you didn't show you may not have what it takes to bend this particular difficult iron. Before taking on this, there is the need for you to ask yourself what precisely you like the most about her. This would help you stay focused in times of pains and dejection like the one you are currently facing with her.
You also have to work out a time frame, a reasonable period of transition for her. This is because until the point you met her, she was free to do as she pleased. She was only accountable to herself and her desires. It would take a while for her to learn how to submit herself to the orders of any man as well as conduct herself in a relationship that is not money or sex induced.
Therefore, you must be willing to give her transit without applying undue pressure on her. You allow her time to grow of her own freewill into the relationship because you are the one who wants her to change. Remember, she still doesn't see anything wrong with her lifestyle or in what she is doing. You are the one who has the desire as well as the dreams of making her yours by ensuring she abandons her known way of life. You are also the one who has the opinion that her ways are wayward and unbefitting.
She doesn't have such qualms about her lifestyle. So time must be given for fusing your very diverse ways of thinking to enable your way of reasoning make meaning to her.
This is why you must be careful; develop the patience of a teacher in a kindergarten class. Until she sees reason with you, you cannot afford to be too hostile, pushy or intimidating. Once you lose patience, you are not providing her with any reason to change because in her current world, men court her with money for the privileges you want free of charge. This is a stark reality you must never lose sight of if you want her by your side.
Again, you have to think of your ability to cope with the social stigma associated with having something permanent with a club girl. This is the vital issue you must munch over and over again before you take a firm decision. Can you tolerate the attendant embarrassment all the time or the sharp opinions of people on the matter of your sanity at going for a woman many would definitely consider morally bankrupt.
Before you go far, what are you going to tell your parents? Do you have the stamina to resist their attack and opposition? Can you endure the possibility of your entire family isolating you on account of the woman you married?
Would you be able to endure the attitude of some of your friends who may assume because of her past history can be available to them if their offer is right?
Besides, having met her in the club, you must also consider the possibility of running into other men who were her former clients who still nurse the ambition of getting close to her. What do you think your actions would be? Would you be tempted at such occasions to beat her up or consider it as one of those things and continue as before? Would you have the maturity and understanding to see it as one of the many sacrifices we make for love? Would you ever be able to trust her, not always thinking her capable of going back to her old ways? Do you have the resources to make her happy at least until she indicates interest in settling down with you?
Frankly, this woman may not present as much problems as you are capable of generating in this relationship in the sense if you are able to overlook certain things, tolerate any situation her past presents, give of yourself unconditionally and selflessly, trust with the innocence of a child, it would be almost impossible for you to stay with this woman.
Continue with her if your male ego can withstand the initial many humiliations and competitions you would encounter with her. Stay with her, if deep down you see the priceless gem in her, which everybody around her is currently blind to.
One way you can help her is not to begin on the premise of a relationship. You must first befriend her as an understanding friend, one who is interested in her person and not her body. This is the only way to earn her trust, to tell her that you have something different to offer her, the type of love she has never experienced in life.
Make her crave for you and your company by finding out what she likes as a person, why she went into what she is doing and telling her you understand her reasons even if you don't support them.
Help her to realise the inherent dream she gave up for this type of lifestyle. A journey through her past, her innocent years would help in no small way in moulding how she sees herself from this point.
The essence of you being her friend is also to make her path ways with some of her club friends. This is something you have to do without her catching in on your motive, since she could rebel against the idea of you trying to take over her life completely.
Before she became a club girl, she had dreams, telling her those dreams are not dead and can be resurrected if she has the determination, could help begin to think and have hope in herself again. Many times, women who opt for that lifestyle do it due to the pressures or circumstances they find themselves and not because they enjoy it. They only pretend to enjoy it out of fear of going back to the world that has become hostile to them due to their lifestyle. More often than not, what they require to change completely is someone who believes in them and isn't ashamed to identify with their failures. This is the role you should play now in her life, the role of a mentor and friend.
If, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out between the two of you romantically, she would remember the positive impact you had on her life and if it does, learn to be proud of her always. In addition, resist the temptation to make reference to her past if and when you have a dispute at any point in the relationship.
Also, once an issue is tackled, let it be. It would also be of value to you, never sleep over any disagreement. For your kind of situation, it is pertinent that trust is kept alive at every point.
Once both of you are able to get round the issue of her past and have established a friendship that can consume all odds.
Importantly, you should pray that God gives you all the wisdom and tolerance to help her come out of her lifestyle.
Good luck.
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