Dear Agatha,
I am married and have been faithful to my wife since we got married in 2003.
But I have a serious urge to start up a relationship without my wife's knowledge. I know it would amount to being unfaithful to her but I can't seem to help the directions my thoughts are headed.
Please advise me. I want to really know if I can keep the relationship away from my wife.
Confused Man,
Dear Confused Man,
Why are you so bent on courting trouble or dragging one into your home even when it seems trying as much as possible to avoid you?
Why do you want to transfer the headquarters of devil to your home? Why do you want to pollute the sacredness and value of your home by having a worthless affair?
An affair is an open invitation to problems in your home especially if you are unfortunate to go into a relationship with a woman determined to have you for keeps. A desperate woman is a viable tool for the devil any day and time. An innocent affair could leave you scorched for life so much so you may never recover your mental equilibrium to function normally. Out there are different kinds of women whose level of desperation to a man at all cost have turned them into mini monsters and any man unfortunate to walk into their traps never recovers from the mistake.
Besides, how would you feel if your wife suddenly wakes up and decides she is also tired of being faithful to you and wants to do what you want to do? Do you think men are the only ones who get itchy and want to experiment with something new?
Frankly, the answer is, like men, women too get fed up, get bored and desire something new but because of obligations to their homes and loyalty to their husbands, they bury whatever disappointment they have and continue to endure the marriage warts and all.
Respect for her body and man are the reasons women stay faithful to their vows and not because they too don't crave for the excitement men feel for other women outside their partners. So, be mindful that she too can throw caution to the winds if you deliberately set out to hurt her for no just cause.
Marriage is about being fair to your partner and striving to make things work despite whatever may be the limitations of your partner. The fact that the two of you agreed to spend the rest of your lives together means, something powerful occurred between the two of you at a point in your relationship to have made you both taken that important decision.
Whatever her shortcomings are now, your itchiness, and think of the difference and sense of well-being you have both achieved as an item. No marriage is perfect but it takes the determination on the part of the couple to make it work.
A good marriage requires investment of time, energy, attention, care and devotion to make it work. Having a relationship outside your home would only serve to divide your time between two women and in the end rob you of quality time with either of them.
Also, having an affair outside your home comes with the risk of unwanted pregnancy. Before you leap, what provisions have you put in place for the unwanted child? This is an issue you must think out thoroughly in advance. You and I know that when a man and woman have sex, pregnancy occurs. If you don't want your wife to know about this plan of yours, how do you intend telling your would be affair that you just want sex from her and not baby? Do you think she would agree to become only your sex mate without her planning how she would also tap into your income permanently?
Ask yourself what are your reason for wanting to go into an affair? Is it for the sex, company or simply because of the powers 'cheating on your wife' confers on you as the man and head of the home? If it is because of sex, can't you teach her how you want it? Can't you carry out all the experiments you dream of and much more with her? Nobody has all the answers to sex but we become better in our act and attitude with support from our partners. Being your wife, she would welcome any suggestions you have at ensuring she has a better marriage and security.
This woman, if you allow her through encouragement can do better than the woman you have in mind. The problem with her may be fear of the unknown, of being judged by you if she allows herself to flow with the tide but knowing that you would never ask question or see her as a woman of too much experience if she takes the lead could see her surpassing your wildest fantasy.
The reason we marry is to have the licence to enjoy among other things sex to the maximum. You are itching for extramarital affair because you have refused to give your marriage the freedom to grow along the line of your fantasy. So if you are dissatisfied and disappointed, it boils down to your own inability to uplift your marriage to the level of your satisfaction.
For the six years you have been married, what emotional re-investment have you introduced to it? What efforts have you made to ensure you educate her in your ways, add refreshers to the bouquet you have? Products have to be constantly refined, re-branded to remain relevant. Sex in marriage isn't an exception to this marketing strategy. When couples refuse to devote time to grow their sex life as well as making efforts to re-invent it, the marriage becomes threatened by suppressed urges and eventually the desire to try something new.
The danger in what you are contemplating isn't in your desire per say; honestly, it is normal but giving in to it is the huge problem because more often than not what we set out to do ends up with results that are completely unexpected.
This doesn't involve only you. It involves the lives of many others. If you would be the only one to suffer the pains of the consequences your decision, nobody would mind but everybody related to you would share in the aftermath of this decision.
To appreciate the pains this decision would cost you, how much does your family mean to you? What would you feel if that which you cherish is gone forever? How would you feel if at the end of the day you lose the peace and respect of the one woman who matters the most or those of your innocent children?
There is no way you would go into this relationship and your family life would remain the same because you would now have to share your time and money among two people. The one with the responsibility who happens to be your wife is bound to suffer the most because not only would she have to manage the little you give her attending to the needs of the children but yours too.
In addition, not only would she have to endure lonely moments following your absence from the home but she has to make do with left over of your emotions whenever you remember to come back to her.
Do you think this is fair on someone who has done nothing wrong but give you her body, soul and spirit?
If excitement is what you want, what is stopping you from pointing her at the direction she should go like wearing new looks as well as the fashion trend that is causing you excitement in other women?
And taking her out of your home for some stolen moments could give you adventure. That you are both married doesn't stop you both from taking each other out; of spending the night in a hotel room where the staff are paid to cook and clean after you. A weekend away from the home and the kids could bring back all the excitement that have been buried or nearly forgotten in the process of starting a family. After all, it is the same money and hotel you would be spending your time with this other woman. So, why not spend the money on the woman you are married to with the view of having a more peaceful home?
The ideas of what you and your woman can do together to help your marriage are limitless.
In the interest of your children especially don't give in to this urge. Resist whatever it is or company that is giving you this idea. I know that the first seven years of marriage are usually the most challenging but if you are determined, you would overcome this trying emotional period.
Giving in now is akin to putting a hammer on the foundation of the home you have built. There is no marriage without challenges or setbacks. What is important is its management. Marriage is like the bitter-leaf. Both parties must continue to work at it to get to the sweet part.
It requires forgiveness as well as friendship at every turn to change volatile situations to ordinary everyday occurrences.
When next you feel the urge, go to God in prayers to do what is right and avoid that which is wrong.
Good luck.
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