I have been married for four years now to a man who is a womaniser, gullible and grossly irresponsible with money and completely without integrity.
To be candid Agatha, he lacks commitment to anything. What is perhaps the most challenging aspect of our relationship now is the issue of him bringing women home when I am away. What more, these women take him to all sorts of prayer houses where he is told that his good friends and I are the ones behind his problems. He stopped eating at home on the orders of these prayer houses.
Unable to tolerate the situation any further, I packed out of the house in April this year. In August, he came back requesting I come back to the house but because I haven’t seen any true repentance on his side, I have refused to go back to him.
Do I keep waiting for God to change him or move on with my life considering we don’t have any child between us? I have lost two pregnancies.
I am currently 42 years of age and would love to have a child of my own. What does God words really say to me? I need advice outside my family.
Confused Wife.
Dear Confused Wife,
Sincerely, I empathise with you. It will take only the special grace of God for you to do what is right considering the situation of your marriage.
But this I know, that God in His wisdom never does things without a reason. At this critical point of your marital journey, you need to go back to God to ask Him specific questions and be very ready to abide with whatever He says. Most times, God doesn’t say the things we want to hear which makes us think He isn’t speaking on an issue.
Yes, this marriage falls below the standard He wants for us. Ideally, the common sense thing to do is to pack it up and move on with your life but experiences have shown that it usually isn’t the right thing to do.
That he came back to beg you to return is one positive sign of your place in his life. It tells of his willingness to give the marriage a second chance. If you were not important to him, chances are he would never have bothered to come to beg you.
When issues like this come up in a marriage, it pays to look deeper. What do you think could be wrong? Before you married him, what was he like? Could he be this irresponsible and you still went ahead to marry him? What are your own contributions to the situation in your home even though it doesn’t excuse him bringing the women home?
To help you understand the nature of the problem you are battling with, extend your searchlight outside your matrimonial home to his brothers and uncles. What are their marriages like? What was the marriage of his parents like? Did his father indulged in womanising, bringing women to the house just like him? Who are his friends? What influences do they have over him? Is he bothered about the issue of lack of children in the marriage?
Sometimes, the things we think are ordinary problems may have far deeper religious implications than we give it credit for. There is the need for you to consider the spiritual angle to your matrimonial problem. Is the problem from his side or yours? I ask because even though men are known to be promiscuous, bringing his dates to the house, following them to homes of spiritualists who now dictate what happens in your home. If he weren’t under some negative spiritual influences he would have known without being told that you would be the target of these women and the spiritualists.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, please go back because battles like this cannot be fought from outside. You have to be in the house to help him out of the spiritual prison he has put himself. Whether he admits it or not, many of these women he has tangled with would have manipulated his life in such a way he would be blind to so many things happening around him.
As his wife, you have the responsibility of helping to refocus on the important things in life. He has to be reminded, not through nagging or fighting, of his responsibilities towards you. As his wife, there is no doubt that he has offended you, embarrassed you as well as made mockery of your marital vows but the fact remains that your place is with him. At 42, you don’t have many choices and what man would you meet at your age that is without some forms of challenges? Would you again walk away when these challenges come? There is always the possibility of you ending up with a man who is worse than this, one who enjoys assaulting a woman physically.
Marriage is a journey of tolerance, sacrifices, choices to be happy, strength to succeed against all odds, faith in the things we don’t see and ability to ignore so many things for the sake of one’s peace of mind. Change would come to your home provided you are ready to make the sacrifices. The vow to love him through thick and thin is made of this stuff. Despite your pains, you must find it within your heart to pray for him. If need be, solicit the assistance of your pastor to help you with prayers. There is nothing prayers cannot change. Pray with a sincere heart, God listens and does things to glorify His name. All you need is the grace to be patient. All these women are strangers in your home; don’t give them the privilege of turning you into the stranger in that home. Be bold to pray them out of your home. You must have loved the man and he you for both of you to have decided to marry. That love that brought the two of you together isn’t lost but buried under the burden of the challenges facing your home. Just as it takes two to tangle, it also takes two to destroy something special. In all these, you also have your faults. Be honest enough to accept yours to enable this marriage move on.
The children would come if both of you are able to achieve the required understanding in your home. You need peace to be able to carry a child to full term. Let him understand that his attitude is the reason you are having miscarriages that as a woman your body cannot endure the emotional torture he is making you go through.
Don’t be far from your knees. God will change it to suit His purpose for you and your marriage.
Good luck.
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