Six weeks after the altar another lady is carrying my baby…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this mess my foolishness on my bachelor’s eve earned me. You know how it is with men. My friends in the spirit of the day organised a party for me. As it is the custom at such farewell party I was given a girl to sleep with that night. It was meant to be my send off gift to the bachelorhood. Unfortunately, less than six weeks into my marriage, the lady came back and was in my office last week to announce she is pregnant. I can’t deny her because something tells me she is telling the truth. Besides, I made the costly mistake of not wearing any protection that night, and even dismissed her warnings that she was safe. My state of mind that night wouldn’t have permitted anything else. I just had to sleep with the lady. In the first place apart from being the prettiest woman there that night, I was tipsy. I simply wasn’t thinking straight that night. Since telling me her news, I have not been myself. Especially as she insisted she wasn’t ready to abort the pregnancy. Being her first, since she started the business of having sex, you can imagine the kinds of sentiments she has deployed into this pregnancy. According to her, she isn’t sure of being able to get pregnant again. There is nothing my friends have not done to influence her to get rid of the pregnancy, but she insists on keeping it, declaring that she really doesn’t need me to provide for her and the child. According to her, she simply wanted me to know I have a child somewhere, nothing more. Frankly, those who know her all agree that she isn’t the kind of woman that sleeps around or looking for a man to tie down. But what do I tell my wife? How do I explain to her that another woman is pregnant for me six weeks into our marriage life? Since we started dating three years ago, she has never been pregnant. It was even one of the reasons I caved in to her pressures to get married when we did. She was afraid I might end up not marrying her after all she did for me. She used her parents’ money to set me up as a man. The least I could do was to marry her since the doctors we went to in Nigeria and England certified us medically fit to have children. I am fearful of her temper. She is capable of doing anything out of anger or sheer jealousy. If she discovers I got another woman pregnant, she will not only kill me but won’t spare the woman also. She is that terrible when provoked. When I told my sister, she said I should plead with the one carrying my baby for help in concealing the identity of the father of her child, but my elder brother insists I inform my wife about it. His argument is that it can be better managed now than if my wife gets to find out later. Both of them agree that this child is a gift from God, which I shouldn’t reject. How do I handle this situation without ruining my home? Gbade. Dear Gbade, Granted every child is a gift from God, but it was very silly of you to have gambled with your future – marriage, dreams and everything that has to do with your person, to sleep with a stranger without any form of protection. What if she gave you an incurable disease, the kind that would cut short your lifespan? What would you be telling your wife, your story and excuse for infecting her with such a disease? Adulthood is about being responsible, considering first how our actions would affect those close to us before taking a decision. No matter how drunk you were you knew the risk of sleeping with a woman without taking precaution as well as the risk that comes with it on your marriage. How will you feel if the prove of your wife’s infidelity is presented before you as you are about to do to her? One thing is to be unfaithful another is for her to have physical evidence of your unfaithfulness. Sincerely you are about to present to her a very bitter pill, one that will be difficult for you to explain as an accident given the challenges you are both having as a couple. There is no way she won’t think you planned it, as a fall back option in case she is unable to give you a child. And the more you delay in telling her, the more difficult it becomes to explain things to her. Besides, you are risking someone else telling her before you. The moments she gets to know from a secondary source, you will never be able to convince her that you didn’t mean to keep the information from her. Not only would it destroy the trust between you forever, it will also make her hate the child more than she would ordinarily have. In addition the guilt of keeping such a big secret from her will never give you the absolute freedom to be the kind of husband you ought to be. Besides, problems are best resolved when still fresh. By telling her now, you are giving your marriage and wife ample time to heal and recover from this shock. Also, it will help make up her mind early on how to relate with the child. By giving her the right to decide on whether the child should stay with the mother or have the child stay with you will further convince her that you are not out to use this child to humiliate her. Even if she is unable to bear you a child, assure her that this child and the mother will never push her out of your life. However, before telling her, go to her parents to inform them about it. Don’t attempt to hold anything back from them, give them all the details that led to you getting this lady pregnant. The reason for this is to manage the opposition from her friends to your marriage. Once you are able to explain to them yourself, settle whatever disappointment they would naturally feel at this development. By the time she comes to them with the story of your unfaithfulness to her, they won’t fuel the crisis by giving her support to end the marriage, rather they will find ways of encouraging her to stay and make the marriage work. You also need the help and support of her close friends. Involving all these people is to ensure that your young marriage survives this. Often, friends influence one’s reactions and decisions. If she isn’t getting the kind of support and condemnation she expects from her family and friends, she will be forced to discuss all the other options to this issue with you. Also, it will tell her how much you want this marriage and the fact that she doesn’t have a monopoly of this kind of challenge in her marriage. One thing you must also never do is to exclude her from whatever is happening to the child and mother. To achieve this, put her in charge of communicating with the woman and the baby. Whatever the mother of your child wants or has to tell you should be channelled through her at least for the time being. The essence of involving her is to give your marriage the chance to survive and you, the time to build your emotional invulnerability to this woman. Having made a costly mistake before, you must do everything to guard against you making another one. Seeing her pregnant with your child may soften you enough to continue what you unwittingly started on your bachelor’s eve. Therefore, it is best you remove yourself from temptation way. Also, putting your wife in charge of the welfare of the child at this very early state will not only achieve the aim of communicating your lack of interest in the mother, but also give you the opportunity to access how well your wife has adjusted to the presence of this child. Her attitude will help you determine what kind of provision to make for the child in future. But a word of caution, if your wife is unwilling to take on the responsibility, please don’t force or get angry with her. This kind of news takes time for any woman to assimilate or tackle. It is a sore that will take forever to heal, so endure, understand any attitude she puts up. Remember, you called for it. Only the grace of God can make the difference in your marriage. Good luck.

If a man lacks cash to try love

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The numerous pieces of advice to people over the years cannot be quantified. What should a man do when he is not buoyant to fall in love, indulge in an affair? Your Reader. Dear Reader, In the first place, money isn’t needed to fall in love. Love is priceless and a natural pull to the one person that is special. To append it to money is to devalue what God has given freely. Don’t hold back on the feeling when you see a woman who reciprocates what you feel for her. If you are both responsible about it, you won’t need money beyond the normal money you need daily to meet your basic needs in life. However problems come when a couple decides to be irresponsible about the whole affair. Love has its season, planting, consolidating and harvesting. If you are wise not to migrate prematurely into the future seasons of the relationship, you will not need to worry about the financial aspect too much. Money becomes a problem in the relationship when you engage in sex and the woman gets pregnant and need money for either evacuation or to keep the baby. If both of you are willing to wait, to enable you as the man put structures that would make life manageable for both of you in place especially when the children begin to come, you won’t have problems. The most important thing for you is to be truthful to yourself and the woman. Don’t make pledges you lack the financial ability to keep. Be honest with whom you are, this way, she would know what she is going into and not make unnecessary demands on you. Good luck

I now want to abstain from sex

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I met this guy through a friend. We got into the habit of chatting and we got to know each other even though we hadn’t seen physically since he stays in the United States. Along the line, we developed feelings for each other and, after a while, he decided to come to Nigeria to visit me. When he came, we stayed in a hotel. I was so happy because I really liked him. He also claimed to like me as well. I went through a bad breakup with my ex, and I just want to be careful. We stayed in the hotel for three days, we made love. He came inside me, so we had to get a contraceptive. I was really scared because I didn’t want to get pregnant. I have planned my life and getting pregnant now is not in the plan. When I got home, I was scared because we still had unprotected sex. I wasn’t too sure I was safe, so I got another contraceptive. While I was at home, I gave a lot of thoughts to the disappointment my parents would feel if I should get pregnant now in addition to the turn my life would take. So I decided to stay away from sex till I get married. Now I don’t know how to tell him that I have changed my mind about having sexual intercourse with him since we are now officially dating. I’m scared that he might not be interested in the relationship again as most guys love having sex. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. Please Agatha, what do I do? Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, Tell him the truth about your decision. Although this might create some kinds of confusion especially as you agreed to sleep with him when you hardly knew him and no form of relationship had been established, he would naturally wonder why this decision. By coming out with the whole truth, including the bit about you not wanting to disappoint your parents or mess up your life, he will come to appreciate certain things your initial behaviour did not give him time to value. You must also endeavour to convince him that your decision isn’t aimed at blackmailing into marrying you. This might naturally be his first line of thought but once you are able to convince him that your resolution comes from a desire to undo the mistake you made by agreeing to sleep with him without protection or regard for the impression you were giving him about yourself, he will reason along with you. If you are both meant to be, he will listen to you and help you effect whatever correction you want to make in your life. But beyond the reason you have, it will help tell you what he really thinks of you; if you are meant to be just a play thing, a holiday fling while in Nigeria. On the other hand, if he leaves you, it means his proclaimed interest in you is suspect; a good reason for you to evaluate your association with him. Frankly, his reactions to whatever you have to say will go along way in helping you arrive at a safe conclusion regarding where you really stand with him. Therefore, it isn’t just about pregnancy but about your own peace of mind. As a woman who has suffered disappointment, you should have been more cautious than you were. What if you had contracted an infection from him or got pregnant and he denied responsibility of it? What story will you be telling? It pays to be vigilant always. The fact that he will soon be leaving for his base means you will have to stop sleeping with him anyway. So if he gets unnecessarily angry because you refuse to sleep with him then something isn’t exactly right with the relationship. Besides, you both need time to think about the relationship. One of the greatest challenges before you is cultivating this long-distant relationship. A lot of efforts and wisdom have to be applied for it to succeed. And if sex is what you both put forward, it might be very difficult to focus on those little things which often than not turn parasitic in marriages. If both of you are well tuned, sex will always be beautiful between the two of you. But if there is a gap somewhere in your relationship, no matter how good your sex life is, it will never be enough to keep both of you together. If he has good intentions for you, your character and not sex will be his major concern. Good luck.

I’m confused over my fiancee’s commitment

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband wanted a big wedding ceremony but I declined, insisting on a low key wedding because of the way things were for us. He needed money for other things. On the fourth of February, he paid my bride price at a ceremony that was devoid of the kind of extravaganza he wanted. He said we would have a big wedding after his elections. He has spent so much money preparing for the local government election which nobody is sure will still hold in our state, Abia. Although he asked me to be ready for the white wedding, I have refused and given him the option to either quit the relationship and give me the freedom to get married to another man or he continues with the marriage rites. Though he said he will continue but I need to be sure I have done the right thing. I took this action because men can be very unpredictable and dangerous. If I don’t insist on him completing everything that has to do with our marriage, he may end up breaking my heart by getting married to another lady, and throw away our four years courtship. He happens to be my first love. Although we love each other, a lot of things can go wrong between now and when we decide to marry. Agatha, am I wrong? After our traditional marriage rites, I have refused to live in his house because we plan to wed before we start living together but he has now changed his mind; he wants me to move in so that we can plan our wedding together. Being the first daughter of the family and the first to wed, I don’t have the experience of planning a wedding. Also despite my desire to wed as soon as possible, I need to save some money to help my parents out with the wedding arrangements. Please Agatha, I am totally confused over everything. Just tell me whatever it is I am doing wrong. I also need advice on how to proceed in the wedding preparation. Ngozi. Dear Ngozi, Under the traditional laws of our land, you are married since your bride price has been paid. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with him as his wife. In our custom, the traditional marriage is the most important because it provides an avenue for family members to meet. There is nothing stopping you from moving in with your husband. What exactly are you expecting to go wrong? As a matter of fact, your refusal to come and stay with him after paying your wedding price is creating the very room for something to go wrong. Honestly, you need to bury this garment of suspicions else you will end up creating a complex situation of you suspecting any woman he comes in contact with. Being a politician, you must give him the freedom to associate and interact with both men and women. It is his lot as a politician to be in company of women and men even at odd hours of the night. And as your husband, you must learn to begin to grow a certain measure of trust in his person and words. Without this, you marriage has very little chance of survival. Both of you must make a deliberate effort to inject this into your relationship without which he would constantly explain his relationship with other women to you. From my observations, you really need to have an open mind about this. It is important you ponder on your ability to cope. If you are the very suspicious type, you may not have the maturity and presence of mind to encourage him to the height of his political passion. Deep down ask yourself this question; can you cope with the flocks of women that will always flock around him? One thing is to want to wed, another thing is to be in love and have the desire to give it your all. Do you have the strength of mind to give this man every inch of your mind, body and soul? Do you have what it takes to make him succeed in his choice of career? From your account, both of you need to learn more about each other to be happy together. For instance, you both need to sit down to discuss about yourselves. It is obvious that you both don’t appear to like the same things. For instance, he wants a big wedding ceremony while you appear not to mind. Unless you both sit to harmonise this aspect of your marriage, it will continue to be an issue which if not handled with tact may tug your relationship and marriage at opposing ends. As the woman of the house, you must develop the wisdom to engage your man in meaningful dialogue that will wean him off his penchant towards showiness. If you are really desperate to wed soonest and desirous of helping him manage his finances, bow to his wishes that you move in with him. This way, you will get to plan a wedding that is not as ostentatious as he wants but also good enough to please him. This way, you will be able to save both of you some money to invest in a business or anything that will bring in extra money. In marriage, it isn’t every time a woman argues her points. Most times, practical steps will win the day. By taking full charge of the wedding ceremony, you are able to control its expenses; do away with things you know aren’t very important to you, concentrate on the areas that need attention and cut down on excess demands for money by people who want to use the occasion to cheat him. This is why you are his wife; his soul mate as well as his confidant. Besides, it will further bind both of you as well as energise the needed trust in your union. You are confused because you don’t have a focus for yourself beyond wanting to wed. Once you shift your focus from wedding ceremony to the quality of your feelings for this man; the nature of your relationship, the focus of your marriage and the kind of home you want, what you should do at this point would become clearer. Marriage isn’t about what you want or he wants for that matter; rather, it works well when both of you are willing to accommodate each other’s opinion as well as accord respect for the feelings of the other person. As it is now, both of you, if not careful, will create a huge misunderstanding for yourselves regarding the dimension you each want your wedding ceremony to be. There will be less confusion if you are both prepared to take the path of compromise. Above all, subject your desires to the will of God. Good luck.