Dear Agatha,
I am in my 40s with three children from my previous marriage and recently got married to a widower.
He lost his wife four years ago and seems not to have gotten over the fact that the woman is dead.
Rather than concentrate efforts on making sure our one-year-old and I are happy, he goes around attending to the needs of his children and grandchildren. Once he left our sick son and I to rush off to see his grandchild that is sick.
When I queried him on this insensitivity he said his grandchild also needed his attention.
I was angry that he could leave his son at home while he went to see his grandson who has his parents with him.
There are so many other instances where he has put the interest of his other children before my son and I. To make matters worse, he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with this. He keeps telling me they are all his children and that he loves and owes each of them his personal attention. My child is the youngest of them all and should also be given his father’s love.
At 69 years of age, I feel his other children have had the best of him hence my son should be given the time to enjoy his presence too.
Again, there is this issue also bothering me. He gives too much attention to his late wife’s family. They come and go as they please, demanding for one thing or the other. Recently, one of them came to ask for money for her son’s school fees. When I reminded my husband later that they have ceased to be his responsibility following the death of his wife, he was very angry with him, calling me a selfish woman who doesn’t care about any other person but herself.
I am honestly getting fed up with the so-called marriage and thinking of packing it all up. From where I sit, I don’t think he is serious about having a wife. He seems very contented with the memory of his late wife, family and children more than he cares about my feelings.
Shouldn’t I have the chunk of his time with my son? Why should he invest his energy, time and money that are by rights ours on other people? I don’t think it is fair at all. If I can leave my children with their father, why can’t he leave his children out of our marriage? I did that because I didn’t want my other children interfering in my marriage.
But how do I get him to settle my son and I too?
Abby.
Dear Abby,
Did he ask you to leave the children with their father? Even if he did, the choice was made by you, not him. You are the one who doesn’t want your other children around you, who has chosen to close that chapter of your life. Not every man or woman is like you. To expect him to tow your life is wrong. At least your children are with their father; his wife died leaving him the sole parent and guardian of his children and grandchildren. If she hadn’t died, you won’t be in that house. Her death gave you the freedom to be part of this man’s life.
And whether you like it or not, you cannot erase from his memory the years they spent together building the life you are now part of. Her children have every right to enjoy of their father’s comfort, time, resources and attention. This is not negotiable because were their mother alive, she would have been the one presiding over that home.
And judging from your attitude, your husband is right to divide his attention between every member of his family because left to you, every other person but your son would be alienated completely from this man.
I honestly think you are being very unreasonable and unfair to this man. This is what marriage is about. Marriage is about helping the other person realise his or her best potentials.
You knew this man has children and grandchildren from his previous marriage and that these come with responsibilities. What do you expect him to do, abandon his children and grandchildren simply because you have a son for him and that you are his current wife?
At 69, this man comes with enduring history and huge responsibility not to just himself but everyone around him. To insist he jettison these people to focus on only is telling him to forget his beginning.
Asking how you can get him to settle you and your son, questions your reason for marrying him in the first place. Is there more to this issue? Having been married before, surely you know that there is nothing perfect about marriage but honest approach to issues. While you may have one or two things to worry about in this marriage like every other woman who is struggling for a place in her husband’s life and heart, your reasons for wanting to pack up this marriage aren’t tenable. These are issues loving and wise words can get him to listen to.
There is no way you tell a man to turn his back on his motherless children and he would listen to you. If there are real issues involved, discuss with him not attempt to turn his life upside down and consequently make him regret the decision to give marriage a trial again.
Frankly, if he isn’t depriving you of care and attention, don’t push the issue at all. As a matter of fact, you should celebrate the fact that this man is responsible and God-fearing because only a man with the spirit of God would show this quality of attention to his children and members of his late wife’s family. It should comfort you knowing that whatever happens now or later, this man is more than capable of offering you protection in every way.
Marriage is about companionship. If you are patient enough, you will come to appreciate the qualities this man has. Patience is a virtue you have to exhibit in life because it never fails to get the right result.
With the children on their own, you ideally don’t have anything to worry about if you put yourself in the position of their mother, friend and sister. Sincerely, if these children all gang up against you for trying to make life miserable for their father, it is your son who would suffer it the most.
Whatever you do, think of that child whose brothers and sisters these people are, who will have to live with them long after you and their father is gone. There is no way you would plant hatred and expect him to reap love. He will be the only one against them all both on his father’s side and on your side. The children you left behind with their father may never be able to truly integrate him as being part of them while those that he would have aligned with, you are fighting out of an ill-conceived jealousy.
At the end of the day, it is your child that would suffer the most so in his interest do everything a good mother and wife should do to make her child and husband happy.
Dialogue, compromises, selflessness as well as trust are the issues lacking in this marriage. Talk and not nag him to compromise on certain things you feel strongly about and which of course are reasonable. Trust him to have your interest at heart always. Be selfless in your attitude to enjoy being married to a man his age whose ways to issues have long been set on a pattern.
There is no bending an already dried fish. The best you can do is to accept him for who he is by learning to be happy with the side you find interesting.
Above all, go on your knees to pray to God to help you see your wrong as well as to make you happy in this marriage. Even if you walk away from this man and go into another marriage with this same attitude, happiness will still elude you. So best you tackle the inherent problem with you rather than run around in circles.
Good luck.
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