Dear Agatha,
There is this guy I love so much and has indicated interest in marrying me. He also wants me to get pregnant for him. He is 31 while I am 22.
Although we have been dating for three years, his passion for me to have a baby started last year and seems to be going stronger with each passing day. Last year, I dreamt he impregnated me and I gave birth to his child this year. Early this year he came with an ultimatum requesting me to either get pregnant or he goes for a woman who is ready to give him a child.
My reluctance has to do with the fact that I am still in school. I am a 200 Level part-time student.
Apart from praying on my own, I have also taken his name to see one of my pastors who also told me that he is the right man for me. I am convinced that he is the right man for me but I don't know how to handle this pressure from him without breaking up our relationship of three years. It would be so painful and sad to let go of a three year old relationship.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Understandably at 31, he could be under severe pressure from his family members to get married at all cost. Being in school, he may also be threatened at the possibility of you finding someone else and wants to use the baby as a means of tying you down.
The threat of getting another to produce a baby for him could be a further ploy to get you to play the ball his way.
Having dated each other for three years, it would be a pity to forfeit this relationship on account of inability to reconcile your differences.
Therefore, it is imperative you both come together to listen to each other. You have to listen to his reason why he is desperate for a child and he must also listen to your reasons for not wanting a child yet.
For a relationship to be beneficial, it has to be symbiotic. And for it to be so, both of you must be very understanding of your positions as well as your reasons at all times.
There is no way this relationship would survive if you both insist on having your ways. This is a crucial stage in your relationship and unless you both make up your minds to make it work at all cost, you might as well give it up to save both of you from needless emotional torture.
If you are a part-time student, what do you do when you are not in school? Do you work? How would having a baby affect your time and ability to cope with your studies? You see, it is not just enough telling him you are not ready you must be able to convince him that you are not trying to buy time or playing on his intelligence. You must be able to present him with alternative arrangement that would not only convince him of the sincerity behind your request but also that he has to give you time to finish your education if the need arises.
Frankly, he may be hard to understand your determination not to have his baby if you don't do a good just of explaining to him; he may even begin to doubt you and think it is an excuse for you to cheat on him. Not everyman understands that a woman need time to be ready to settle down. Men simply assume that once they are ready to have families or settle down, the women in their lives must be ready. As a matter of fact they expect women to count themselves absolutely lucky at being offered the post of being a wife and mother.
Fighting him or being obsolete would not resolve the problem rather it would only lead to improperly thought out actions that leave everybody regretful eventually but at the time he is determined to take the decision, he would deliberately not think of far into the future.
On your part, you have to listen to his reasons. Why is he desperate to have a child at all cost? Has it to do with his family history? Is he an only child or male in the family? Is he the first or the favourite? Any man in any of these positions in his family is often under severe pressure to begin to produce babies at all cost.
For this reason, he needs a woman that understands, who would help him manage the problem he is having with his own people. When a woman finds herself in this situation, she has to shift grounds a little bit to accommodate the interest of her man. How much of your time or dream can you give this man to make him happy? How much love do you have for each other feelings that would make the sacrifices of today worth its while later in the future? How much sacrifices are you willing to make for love?
Unless you are ready to shift your grounds a little bit, even if to consider his request as something important, you might find yourself alone on this boat.
Another issue that could also be agitating him could also be the time you have both agreed on. Ask him if he is ready to marry you now as well as provide all you need to be comfortable while looking after his way and still going to school. He may not have considered the huge financial cost of his request, presenting him with the attached burden may make him apply the break until you are nearing the end of your education. To be sincere, it might be difficult for him to wait until you complete your education so you must be willing to renegotiate your terms of agreement with him.
At 22, you are still young with your future still far away at least mathematically. But at 31, his future is already staring at him. And for that future to properly take the shape he wants, he has to settle the matter of his matrimony to give him the impetus to do other things.
One of the most important motivating factors in life for a man to succeed is thought of his family. Men premise their thirst for success on the need to provide for their families. Your man feels with a baby in tow, he would have all the reasons to climb with vigour that ladder of success. It is simply a matter of you coming up with a workable time frame that would not leave either of you with more pains than joy. Just like his dream to have a baby is important to him so also must he appreciates that your education too is important to your future.
All these may not count much if he suspects you of having the tendency of jilting him later in life. If anything has happened in your three years old relationship to question his faith in you, you may not find it easy to convince him to allow you be.
Unless both of you decide on how much you mean to each other, there is no way you two would be able to resolve this problem without it affecting your relationship, negatively.
On the issue of whether he is your God given man, only time would tell and a lot would depend on how you resolve this crisis facing your relationship.
God may have ordained both of you to be an item but you both can still lose it to carelessness and stubbornness.
Good luck.
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