Masturbation: How Do I Curb The Ugly Act?

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to guard and protect you for the good work you are doing for mankind.

I am 21 years old and have the problem of inability to stop masturbating, a habit I started when I was just nine years of age. My addiction to it has gotten to a stage that I now do it as a form of hobby. What do I do to divorce myself from this act, as it has become a part of me? Please I need your advice urgently. I would also appreciate if you tell me the positive and negative sides of the act.

Please help me get out this mess especially now that I am going to school so that it will not affect me.

Sam.

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Dear Sam,

If it is any assurance, you don’t have patent for this problem. Masturbation is more common an addiction than you think. You would be surprised at the number of men and women who have, at one time or the other, depended on it to get satisfaction.

All these people have their various reasons for taking to the habit. Some do it to avoid getting sexually transmitted diseases (STD), some do it because they were introduced to it by friends or as a means of escaping intimacy with a member of the opposite sex as well as to avoid the sanctions of strict parents who shield their wards from mixing with other children on grounds of contaminating their children with strange habits.

Others do it out of man’s natural curiosity, especially when exposed to materials that have explicit sexual images.

Whatever the individual’s reasons may be, the truth remains that it is one habit nobody can publicly declare for, which means that it is considered abnormal and offensive for anybody to indulge in self-stimulation.

Although, it is considered helpful in some circles by psychologists who say the habit helps couples to improve their sexual drives and satisfaction, a lot moralists still think it is out of place.

If the opinions of the psychologists are anything to go by, a little dose of it is healthy enough in that it offers the individual a personal guide to one’s body, exposing one to the sensual zones, a knowledge that comes very handy in the process of attaining premium sexual satisfaction.

For this purpose, it is recommended but not to make it a permanent habit that would take the place of natural sexual act endorsed by God.

The danger of doing that is that it destroys one’s ability to enjoy intimacy with another person in that the body becomes used to the time structured for it by its constant user. By the time the body meets with another person, its programmed time is what works irrespective of whether the other person is satisfied or not. Masturbation is especially bad for men because a man like you who has depended on it for a long time would find it difficult to satisfy a woman whose body need more time to be ready for the thrills of intimacy.

Despite the fact that sex is an emotional thing, the brain still controls the act, hence once programmed to function in a particular way, it becomes difficult for the brain to ignore the time format allotted to it. Once the man gets to the programmed time for ejaculation, he would automatically do so without the will power to prevent it.

So, for your own good, you must find ways of engaging the mind on more positive things when the urge to fondle yourself comes strong. It is a good thing you realize it is an addiction, one you must get away from to enable you live a normal life. It is a step in the right direction. Addictions are best treated with the help of an understanding and trusted friend or family member. Granted that masturbation is not a thing you want to admit to, but you must find someone you trust to help you out. Since you know the signs that come before the act, being in the company of a friend would help you fight it better, because both of you can do something that will take your mind off the demands of your emotions. For instance, you can both play football, basketball, tennis, or go swimming together. And if it comes in the night, talking about it also helps.

Follow this with a tour of the Bible, getting to know what it says and how you can use the words to your advantage. The mess comes from your mind, so filling it up with the words of God as well as the pains your habit would cause the woman you would end up marrying would help put a cold blanket on your habit.

Finding a lasting solution to any emotional problem is not to set long goals for oneself. The danger of setting long goals is the failure bound to come. Many people never get over these failures and simply give in to the pleasure of the habits they are trying to beat.

By setting unrealistic goals, you allow yourself the room to fail, accommodate it and move on rather than become bitter and frustrated by natural failures.

Good luck.

I Love Him, But He Lacks Good Education

Dear Agatha,

I am so glad at the way you answer people’s questions. May the Lord continue to give you wisdom to do more. I really need your advice.

I am a 30-year-old lady of and in a relationship with a guy that is 32 years old. This guy, who loves me so much, is responsible, caring, God-fearing and has every quality I love in a man. He has proposed to me but I am yet to accept because he isn’t a graduate despite sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination (JAMB) four times without success. He got discouraged and refused to try again. Instead he enrolled for a five- year course in an engineering school. Today, he is cart engineer in a construction company.

I am not comfortable with his lack of sound education. This is making it difficult for me to love him the way he does to me.

His parents are aware of our relationship as well as his intention to marry me. They really love me.

So please advice me on what to do because, I don’t want to lose him.

Osho.

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Dear Osho,

What do you want? On one hand you say you don’t love him as much he loves you due to what you feel is a disability on his part while on the other hand you don’t want to lose him? Would losing him be that painful going by your comment that you don’t love him as much as he does you? Would you be better of if he left you to look for a man who has superior qualification to make you a proud woman?

You must make up your mind on what you want. Relationship is something very personal. I can tell you what to do but the final choice is still yours to make.

And truthfully, there is no way you can give this man the best of yourself if you think his lack of university education is major disadvantage with you. You will only end up giving this man undue headaches as well as embarrass yourself in the process. The embarrassment would come from your inability to market your partner the way you should because you would constantly be under pressure of what people would say should they find out that he isn’t well read.

You can only be proud of what you take pride in. If you lack the guts to take wholesome pride in the person of this man as well as his achievement as a man without feeling he is half of the man you expect him to be on account of what you think is inferior education; the best thing would be for you to quit. Relationship is about loyalty to the person you are with. You clearly don’t have it at all being so bothered about what should in the first place be counted as important.

From the first moment you agreed to his offer for relationship, this matter should have been dealt with. To have allowed it to linger to the point he asked you to marry him, met his parents shows that foundation is defective on your part as well as the fact that you aren’t very honest with him. Your knowledge about his educational status shows he didn’t hide anything from you, that he gave you the chance to accept or reject him. Staying meant you accepted, which is why he took you to his parents. Therefore to bring up the matter up now is wrong, shows that you never had a commitment to him but only agreed to his offer due to lack of another offer for relationship.

To avoid you hurting people who really love you and yourself in the process, tell this man the truth about your feelings for him.

It is unfortunate that you are playing up his educational qualification when you should be bothered about the more wortwhile qualities that make relationship and marriage work. His lack premium education is only part of what he is but who is this man who in spite of what you consider his disadvantage still has the power to keep you in a relationship with him?

Have you bothered to find out what makes him very different from all the other men you have met so far? You can never appreciate anybody if all you do is focus on the negative points of that person. True love comes from looking beyond the mask to the person wearing it. This is what brings about tolerance, understanding, loyalty, pride, selflessness, patience, care, friendship, sacrifices as well as trust in God to provide all the other things that are missing in the relationship.

Forget about his paper qualification and help yourself focus on personality; the one you will live and sleep with for the rest of your life. The qualities that will grow your relationship, bring about a transformation in your life by giving it a character.

Certificates are not what make an ideal partner; rather it is who we are that makes the difference in life. If this man cares for you, is responsible and has respect for you, his heart is compassionate, sensitive to your needs as well as moods, is honest and caring, he qualifies more than the man who has the best paper qualifications in the world but has a very cold heart that treats you as part of his furniture.

This is what you must make priority in your relationship with this man and not something that cannot sustain a relationship. In your time with him, how well or badly has he treated you? Is he dependable, someone you can laugh with and at? Someone you can confide in, who has your interest at heart and would never deliberately set out to hurt you.

To help you understand your feeling for him better, take time away from him to do some thorough thinking. You need time to subject your feelings for him to analysis, extract the essence and distill it for your consumption. To get a positive result, be very honest and prayerful. Give God the chance to do things according to His ways and not yours.

Good luck.

Place Of Man, Woman In Marriage (2)

The first part of this series appeared last week.

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A lot of time the mistake comes from the inability of a couple to isolate a problem and deal with it as it arises. Often times, an issue that should have been treated and deleted is left to linger until it becomes monstrous and consuming.

One of the cardinal rules about marriage is never to let an issue that is causing problems linger on for long. The danger of doing so cannot be overemphasised. The human mind has a way of storing up unresolved sentiments till it becomes a major thing that gives little or no room for reason to prevail.

Since couples come from different backgrounds, ideals, attitudes, characters and sometimes opinions on how to handle a particular issue, couples should at all times strive for thorough understanding of their backgrounds before attempting to resolve an issue of sharp difference. This is to avoid complicating what should ordinarily be a simple matter of saying sorry.

This must start not after the wedding but before it. As a matter of fact, the process of infusing understanding into a relationship must begin from the very wee hours of a couple’s meeting. It is necessary because without a sound understanding of the things that make each member of the partnership different, as the days go by, it would become increasingly difficult for both parties to operate a fair and balanced relationship, one devoid of suspicions of the motive of the other person.

Of all the ingredients needed to make marriage work, understanding remains the most important. A couple could be very much in love but if the concomitant commitment to fully understand the nature of the other person is missing, overtime the relationship begins to drag as a result of unnecessary and unresolved issues that are left to spill over.

Knowing the nature of one’s partner makes it easy to manage whatever the journey of marriage throws at a couple. It makes it easy for forgiveness to be offered and accepted without grudge, sacrifices to be made without feeling cheated, tolerance to be cultivated, support easier to give, pains and disappointment easier to manage and true friendship to develop.

When a couple understands each other, things that bring about tension in marriages would not be so important. It would be easier for the woman to accept that her in-laws are an integral part of her husband and would not pick quarrel when issues of differences come. This is because it would be easier for her to recognise the same traits she finds offensive in her in-laws in her husband, understand and make the necessary adjustments she has learnt to make in the case of her husband.

This is something love without understanding cannot achieve. But when we understand that the nature of man is imperfect and that those differences we complain in others simply mirror the imperfection in ourselves as well as those we love dearly, we would learn to complain less about the same weaknesses in those around us.

Understanding makes it easier for couples to appreciate the sacrifices the other person is making to accommodate his or her excesses.

Like all the other good things of life, it is something a couple must work towards achieving right from the nascent days of the relationship. Unlike attraction, which happens on its own, understanding is that aspect of a relationship that demands working towards. It is the shell or bone that gives the animal its frame. It is why some relationships can withstand anything thrown at them while others simply collapse like a pack of cards.

So how does a couple go about achieving the perfect understanding?

My usual response to this question whenever I get asked is for the couple to be clear from the beginning about their focus in life as well as their expectations. Mothers, especially, should from the early years of their daughters’ lives begin to give them the lectures that will help them make the right choice of a man. Yes, money is important to the survival of any marriage but not as important as having the right kind of man to share the journey of life with.

When a girl bases her choice of a life partner on money, materialism, connection and outward appearances, the chances of a relationship based on these choices standing the text of time becomes doubtful because when on realises these are things that can disappear just as they appear. For instance, life has taught experienced minds that money, material possessions and connections are transient visitors that come and go when they like. And any relationship courted on the strength of the man or woman’s physical appearance hardly lasts more than the first few years because age will always come to demand of its ransom of our bodies and features. Unless one is prepared to go under the knife from time to time to keep the effects of age at bay, infidelity is what terminates such a relationship.

Unless modern mothers go back to the ways of our grandmothers to teach their daughters and sons that there is still no substitute for character, which breeds inner beauty; loan them the benefit of their experience to seek for the person behind the mask, the marriage institution may never be able to reclaim its lost glory.

This is because many young men and women are entering into the institution ill prepared for the challenges ahead. While young women think good sex is all they need to keep marriage going, men think once they have the right car, enough money to throw around they can have any woman for keeps. By the time they realise that it takes a lot more for a couple to keep the engine wheel of marriage well lubricated it is too late for them to make the necessary adjustment needed to salvage the situation.

Young couples must have the benefit of learning from their own parents that marriage isn’t a bed of roses as they seem to think; that behind the issues of desire to satisfy one of God’s requirements for us are struggles and hard choices.

When youths are made to appreciate that the beautiful pattern they see in marriages are products of painful sacrifices as well as acting stupid most times for the sake of peace. And that these come from a deep understanding that God never promised us a problem-free world but only His grace to see us through issues He knows would always come up when two strangers come to live together, the quality of reasoning that would go into the choice of a life partner would be a lot deeper than what we have now.

The time has come for parents, society, the church and every well-meaning adult to stop playing the orchids and come out boldly to discuss the issue of relationship and marriage in details.

The world has gone beyond issuing decrees to children on what they must not do and when they must marry. They should be armed with information; the internet and their friends cannot give them on why certain things change immediately between a woman and man during marriage. They must be prepared for the bitterness as well as the sweetness of marriage to protect the only institution that has survived the beginning of mankind.

Parents must learn when to let go and give the couples time to bond, make their mistakes and form a workable pattern for their marriage. When mothers prepare their children before marriage, they won’t have to cope with the insults of their daughters-in-law as their sons would have been well prepared for the journey of their lives.

Clerics too should begin to take interest in relationships and marriages more than they currently do. All the taboos they have placed on subjects of relationships must be done away with if we are all serious about helping the youths make the right choice. We must move away from rigidity to liberalism in our attitude to the subject to draw the confidence of the youths to confide in us their fears, anxieties, ignorance and all the other things they want to discuss with us.

As adults no matter what we feel about certain things about their lifestyles, we must always be available to give them the benefit of our experiences to protect this institution from losing relevance going by the way the consequences of wrong choices are destroying it. They must be taught to recognise the differences between, love, lust, likeness and flirtatious feelings. Having taken the road before them, we are in the best position to help them whether they like it or not.

Good luck.

His Deformity Opens My Love With His Doctor

Dear Agatha,

Four years ago I met and fell in love with this man who became everything to me. Not only was he one of the most handsome men I have ever met in my life but also one with the most beautiful heart as well.

Despite his status and upbringing, he didn’t mind my humble one and went out of his way to ensure he gave me everything to be relevant in his life. He took over the payment of my fees and maintenance, got me a car and a driver.

He didn’t stop there, he also ensured that my parents were relocated and my father was given a good job to enable him play his role as the head of the home.

Unfortunately something terrible happened on his way to Ondo State for his best friend’s wedding. He had an accident that not only disfigured his face, thought that has been taken care of through constructive surgery but also affected his left leg. He now limps.

All these happened last year. While he was in coma, I was by his side and even followed on his abroad trip when his parents decided to fly him out of the country. He insisted he wanted me by his side. I was there too when the doctors say he would be unable to recover and use of his leg. I was there to hold his hands and wipe away the tears.

Honestly, I would have gladly spent the rest of my life. But now, I have fallen in love with someone else, the doctor in charge of him when he was in coma.

I don’t know how it happened, but I am hopelessly in love with him. He has the right looks and has promised to take me abroad, to escape the repercussion of leaving my current boyfriend.

When I told my parents about this new man, my father not only threatened to disown me if I leave him, but has also said he would terminate his marriage to my mother who doesn’t see anything wrong in me falling in love with this doctor. My siblings too are on the side of my father. Except for my mother, none of my siblings or friends is talking to me any more. They all think I am leaving him because of his deformity, but have all refused to listen to me that I am really in love with this doctor.

I don’t know what to do. I am so confused. Meanwhile, the parents of my former boyfriend have requested from my father a date for our ‘introduction.’ Knowing my father, he would give them a date. I don’t want to be around for the introduction but don’t want my parents home to break up as a result of me.

Please tell me how to tell my former boyfriend that it is over and how to make my father see reasons with me that I didn’t plan to fall in love with the doctor. My mother says I should simply ignore my father and my former boyfriend. And that once I travel she too can come over to be with me.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

I am very surprised that your mother is supporting you in all these when she should be in the vanguard of those discouraging you from making the worst kind of mistake in your life. The journey you are about to embark on is one with serious spiritual consequences, the kind that would forever haunt you and give you no rest whatsoever in life.

While you can run away from the physical consequences, you cannot run away from the spiritual one. Granted, you didn’t plan to fall in love with this doctor but what about your responsibilities to the first man who took you from nothing to something? What do those years you were together mean to you? What happened to the love you professed to have for him? What is your concept of love? If you were in his shoes how would you feel if he comes to tell you at this critical time in his life that he has found someone else to love? Would you have left him if he didn’t have the physical challenge he now has? How would your mother feel if he were the one leaving you with a physical challenge? How would she feel if this man were her son and you the woman about to break his heart and destroy whatever confidence he has left of himself as a man?

If your siblings and friends are all against you, it is because they know you so well, enough to know that your reason for leaving him has to do with the physical challenge he now has. Even if true that you are in love with this doctor, the fact remains that given what this man has done for you, leaving him at this point in time for someone else isn’t right. This is the time he needs you the most when you have to fall back to the friendship of being together to help your relationship to grow. This is the time to pay him back with the sacrifice of your heart all the care and love he gave to you and your family.

Where is the heart you claimed to have given this man before the accident? The truth is you never loved this man but only followed him because of his looks and money. Now that the look has been deformed, you don’t want to have anything to do with him forgetting that what happened to him could happen to anyone, including the doctor now in charge of your heart. Life isn’t predictable at all. Today you may have all the aces while tomorrow things can change to favour the person you think is down today.

Remember this man hasn’t done anything but to love you with his heart, time and resources. Insisting you went with him abroad shows how much he loves you. It couldn’t have been easy for him to convince his family to accept you from the beginning; someone in his family must have warned him against gold diggers. To have gotten them to support you must have taken a great deal of sacrifices on his part. It takes a rare man to do that for a woman he isn’t married to.

Leaving him now would only serve to justify so many things he didn’t tell you about his personal struggles with his family on account of his love for you.

While you have the right to make your final decision, pause to think of the past, the unconditional love he gave to you, the doors of opportunity his relationship with you opened for you; your meeting the doctor is an example of such an opportunity. It is alright for the doctor to promise to take you abroad to escape the repercussion of leaving this other man. If you know what you are doing is right, why would you want to travel as far as London?

In your interest it would, listen to what your father and siblings are saying because it isn’t all that glitter that is gold. The wrong things are those we hunger after the most. Of these two men, who do you think would willingly give up his life for you; give to you unconditionally? Who sees the beauty inside of you and not what you look like on the inside?

Your problem mainly is the value you are playing up, that of worshiping physical beauty. The moment you know that physical looks fall under the category of perishables, those things that lose value as each day breaks, you will know how to choose carefully.

Don’t make the mistake a lot of women before you have made to their shame and regret. The grass is never greener at the other side as a matter of fact. Often time it isn’t as green as the one on your side. This guy has shown you more than words can say he loves you. Yes, you may not love him as much as he does now but given time, when you allow yourself come to see more of the beautiful heart you know he has, you will be the better for it. Listen to the old wisdom in your father’s position, as your mother is full of destructive thorns. She would be your ruin because she is only concerned about what she would gain from your relationships, not your happiness. You are considering this other man only because your mother is supporting you and not because you are really in love as you seem to think. Believe me, not all women qualify to be called mothers.

When issues like this come, the best place remains the feet of God. Please go to Him for wisdom and strength to do what is right to avoid tears and regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Can Man Ever Run His Parlour Without Hassle?

Dear Agatha,

The prayers for all your efforts cannot be quantified. Not only by the efforts you have been put into resolving our problems, but also the passion, zeal, and maturity displayed.

Agatha, could you please educate me on how best a man can govern his home, especially in the face of the global advantage of love transcending beyond the boundaries of the nations?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

The best way for a man to govern his home is to be very honest to himself. Once he is honest, refusing to do more than he can afford, involving his wife in his affairs and letting her know how things are with him, it would be a lot easier for the man to manage his home.

Many a time problems come with men try to hide so many things from their wives due to lack of trust or belief, thinking that once the woman knows how much he loves her or the amount of money he is worth, she would begin to misbehave.

While not totally untrue is some cases, but a misconception that is ruining so many homes as wives become increasingly suspicious of their men, refuse to accept that the man is telling the truth even when all the indices point to his innocence.

The man saves himself a lot of problems by telling the woman of his mind everything she needs to know about him. This gesture enables the woman to offer her unreserved support as well as the necessary understanding to organize her home. When a woman knows her man isn’t taking her for a ride by hiding information from her, she learns to give him her trust as well as respect at all times. This brings about a strong determination in her not to abuse the trust of her husband, hence her willingness to do more than she would ordinarily have done to keep her man happy always.

Contrary to what many men think, being honest with the woman is like blackmailing her to give him all her support. It is actually a burden for the woman whose conscience will always remind her not hurt the man who has given her so much of himself. Honesty, on the part of man, does what love cannot do. While love does the initial work to bring a couple together, it is honesty that ensures they stay permanently together.

This is because, love engineers tolerance, sacrifice, respect, understanding, patience and unconditional support from the woman, who because she is in the know of everything would know what to demand for and when to do it or make arrangements of her own to resolve a financial problem. She knows that hers isn’t in the right position financially to execute such a project, no matter how minor.

It helps the love to grow into a deep friendship that seeks to protect the well being of her husband at all times even from the increasing demands of the children. But when a woman doesn’t know what her husband is doing or involved in as well as how much he has, suspicion is bound to set in especially if he is unable to meet his family obligations. Rather than discourage the children from piling the pressures on their father, would instead lead the revolution against him, because she feels the money he should have invested in the home is being channelled to somewhere else.

With the world increasingly becoming a global village, cross cultural relationships and marriages are on the increase, which means a lot of information are being traded on the love scene. Many a time these relationships begin to experience problems when couples discover that the information exchanged are not true. Being honest helps to prepare the other person for the challenges ahead, gives insight into the character of the person he or she is involved with, moderate expectations and helps to balance the fact that the person one is going into a relationship with isn’t a superhuman or an angel. Hence, he must not be expected to perform more than the ordinary person.

When a man tells lies about himself or status, it reduces him to nothing before the woman. Hence, it becomes difficult for him to apply control in the relationship, because he has compromised his position by claiming to be who he isn’t. It presents him as irresponsible, consequently difficult for any woman to respect or take orders from.

The integrity of the home and a man’s ability to manage it draws strength from his credentials as one to be trusted because it takes trust for a woman to leave her family and take on another man’s name. Therefore when she finds out that the man isn’t half the person he says he is, it causes her to regret in an inexplicable way her decision. And for some women, the man may never again gain her trust, and can give birth to anything from subtle to open disrespect for the man.

So for everyman to continue to be relevant in his home, truth must be upheld at all times.

Good luck.

Birthday Bash: Thanks For Wishing Agatha More Glorious Years

Dear Readers,

Thank you all for remembering that today is my birthday.

To all those who have called since the beginning of the month as well as last week to wish me a happy birthday, I say thank you all. It is really nice to know that a lot of you still remember my special day. God will continue to bless you all. He will also help us to resolve all our problems in life.

Agatha.

Widower Weds Widow, But Joy After?

Dear Agatha,

There is this man in his 6os, a widower, who recently indicated his interest in marrying me after years of loneliness. From my previous marriage I have two children, while he has five from his late wife. All his five children are married, but mine aren’t. My first is serving the country in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), while my second is still an undergraduate.

When we met late last year, we exchanged information about ourselves. I told him everything about my past, I didn’t leave anything out, because at almost 50, life for me has come full circle. There was no need anymore to pretend or make excuses for my life. To me, I have gotten to the age of wisdom as well as openness about who I am and what I want from life.
Perhaps I was wrong, because I discovered as the days went by that he was a man whose heart is enclosed in secrets and slipperiness.

He would say one thing in the morning and do another in the night. From my closeness to God, I was told so many things about him. So, I wasn’t really surprised by the attitude he was exhibiting. In spite of everything he was doing to deliberately discourage me, I had made up my mind about him. My experiences in life have taught me never to expect perfection, but to accept whatever God has decided to bless one with.

Agatha, you more than a lot of other people, should know that when one is really close to God, He reveals a lot of things to His own.

My major challenge now is how to manage his pranks as well as his tendencies to stray. He has an undying penchant for women, but careful enough to ensure I don’t get to meet any of them. In fairness to him, he loves me, but hasn’t really made up his mind on what to do about his feelings for me.

Recently, I made up my mind to leave him only for him to come back begging, insisting he can’t do without me. Yet, he doesn’t seem to notice if I don’t call or send him a text.

He only remembers I exist when I make the effort to get in touch with him. This is making me very confused. At this age in my life, this is one kind of stress I can do without.

Unlike some of my friends I know whose men are there for them, he isn’t there at all. He is the kind of man I cannot run to when I am in crisis, because he is just not available at all.

I am at a crossroad, because of all the men that have indicated interest in marrying me, he is the one with the largest space in my heart, I am also happy with him most. Whenever I question him on his attitude, he keeps telling me he doesn’t want to pretend to me. And that he rather wants to project himself the way he is, so I know what I am going into.

I am so confused. When I discussed him with my children, they didn’t offer any opinion beyond doing what makes me happy. That if I decide to marry him or any other man for that matter, what is important to them is that I am happy at the end of it all.

Agatha, you remain my number one counsellor. In my shoes what would you do? How would you proceed in this relationship? Do you think I need this kind of stress at this age?

Worried Woman.

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Dear Worried Woman,

Follow the dictates of your heart. When we get past 40, life teaches us to be very realistic about issues. At close to 50, you have seen life in its different shades, shapes, hues, intrigues, ethnicity, creed, diplomacy, politics, and friendship. You have seen the secrets of life, you know how much you can endure, and those things you cannot put up with. By now, you must have since buried the idealism of your youthful years, replacing it with the harshness of the real world.

At your age, the decision to do is something very personal, a decision not even your children has the power to influence because you are the only one who knows what you feel, the loneliness as well as the desires.

These are choices, which are real and have no substitute. It is the time of perseverance because by now you have stopped seeing things through rose-coloured lenses. You now know that no one was created to be perfect. He lies and cheats; so what? At over 60, he is beyond the age of redemption, age of trying to make him understand what life is all about. He has seen life, befriend it so much he can tell with some degree of accuracy what it has in store for him because he the future has lost the mystery many young people fear.

He has seen his future, living in it already and making a countdown to his exit. Sincerely speaking, he doesn’t have apology to offer you. To him, it is enough he loves you sufficiently to want to take the plunge into matrimony with you all over again.

If there is one thing you should be thankful for, he hasn’t presented you with a false picture of himself. A lot of men questing for the heart of a woman would pretend to be angels to deceive her into accepting their offer. At least you know what you are going into and how to make the necessary adjustment to accommodate his excesses. He is also giving you the opportunity to pray him into the kind of man you want.

Perish the thoughts you can change him overnight through physical insistence. He is far too gone in his habit for such a change to be possible. With such a man, hand him over to God in whose hands lie the power to change him is.

Question one, can you cope with his person? If you must go into this marriage, try to identify something special and unique about him, that thing that will always make you happy about this relationship. Knowing would help you grow the needed understanding to manage life with him.

The real question is whether you have the capacity to overlook his flaws, ignore his other side sufficiently to stay happy with him?

If you must marry him, you must have something, a sort of retreat to escape to, on those occasions the weak and jealous side of you comes to the fore. No matter how strong, there are days, you will weep, regret your actions and blame the tenderness of your heart for your situation. Those are the days you need a place of escape to remind you of who you are essentially and the reason you made the choice. This means whatever you do, don’t give up everything that has made you happy all these while. At this age, it is more a marriage of convenience and not a do or die thing.

In weighing your options, be mindful of your health. How healthy are you emotionally to go through the challenges of marriage again especially to a man who has these traits?

Make up your mind from the very beginning that it is companionship you are looking for to drive away the loneliness of this age. Whether you like it or not, very soon the children will leave the nest permanently, leaving you all alone. Without a man by your side, the days can be long and lonely, the reason why a lot of women and men from this age who are single either by divorce or death of their former partners crave company. You won’t be the first or the last woman to want to remarry. Hence, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Critically consider all your options and come to one, which you know will work for you, bearing in mind that no man or woman is perfect. Also, what one knows already cannot kill one. If you think you are matured enough emotionally for the dynamism this man is, go and ahead while you go on your knees to commit him, your relationship, and his ways to the hands of God who in the first place brought both of you together.

Good luck.

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Poverty, I’m Coerced To Embrace Early Marriage

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column, I admire your counsels as I also appreciate the way God has been using you to solve people’s problem. I was 24 years of age last month and have this problem that has been bothering me for long.

It all started while waiting for admission into higher institution. I come from a very humble family who cannot afford three square meals a day. There are times we go to bed on empty stomach.

This notwithstanding, my major headache started early this year when I gained admission into one of the universities in the country. We all decided in the family that I should take up the offer having waited for long though my parents didn’t have the money to pay my fees.

They decided they would borrow the money from a man whom they promised to pay from the proceeds of their farm produce after the harvest season. Unfortunately, the money is not forthcoming and in their wisdom decided I go into marriage to ease their problems.

As if that isn’t bad enough, I have no feelings for the man coming for my hand in marriage. The man I have feelings for, who I have been dating has just finished his tertiary study, waiting for his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme, but painful enough not ready for marriage now. I love my boyfriend very much. I can’t imagine myself settling down with another man let alone a man I have no feelings for. I don’t know how to convince my parents to allow me marry the man of my choice. But I am worried about the hardship we are facing. It is making me to feel uncomfortable. Please, advise me quickly on this before something else happens.

Worried lady.

---

Dear Worried Lady,

One feeling you should never allow to becloud is that of guilt over the financial situation of your parents. Such feelings are not only negative but also destructive and could make you do something you are not supposed to. You are not responsible for their situation and you are not God who can change it. What assurances do they have that their situation would improve if you get married? What if he turns out to be a man who isn’t as responsible as they think or doesn’t think spending his money on his in-laws is one of his responsibilities?

While you must do everything to prevent your parents feeling bad over their financial condition by refusing to fight them or show open disregard for them, there is the need for you to let them know that their decision for you to marry this particular man is not a solution to the problems.

Rather, there are ways you could help improve on the finances of the family by suggesting to them some small business ideas you could do to pay your way through university. For example, you could, like other children from humble homes, go into the sales of used clothes and shoes while in the campus. There will always be buyers, provided they are trendy. You could also learn the art of hair making. These are businesses with high patronages, one with good turnover sufficient enough to pay for your expenses without bothering your parents for anything. If you are prudent, you will not need to depend on any person for money. One of the major advantages for you is that you also get to dress in the clothes you like without you paying for them. And if well managed by you, could set the tone for your future endeavour, an added bonus to your educational pursuit. You can be what you want to be once you have the right combination of determination and dream. If you are not ashamed of what others would say about your decision to do any of these things, you will also be able, even while in school, to help your family with some financial aids. Life is about knowing the key to your success and giving it all you have to make the difference where others have failed.

I know a lot of young men and women like you who did similar businesses to survive the hardship. Being new, the beginning may not be as easy as anticipated, but overtime you will have more than enough to see you through school, especially if you have the eyes for unique wares.

Your parents are considering the option of sending you into early marriage because they feel intimidated by the bills to procure your education. They feel marrying you off would take the burden off them and that your husband would inherit the responsibility of sending you to school.

Once you are able to prove to them that on your own, you can make the difference without mortgaging your body, morals, and other good values they taught you at home, you will earn their support to do what you want to do.

They are scared that if you are left too long, the condition in the house may push you into trading your body to pay your way through school. It is normal for parents to want to protect their daughters in the best way they can. Your parents solution is to marry you off, which may be the best option to them for now, but could ruin your plans for your future.

What your parents need is not stubbornness, but an alternative plan that would make them relax in their determination.

Going to God in prayers for help and directions would go a long way in making clearer the vision of your life.

Good luck.

I Don’t Understand My Lover Again

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your good work. May God also solve your own problems.

I have been facing some challenges in my relationship. I just don’t understand my boyfriend anymore and we have been together for three years. He has been the one sponsoring my education as well as providing for my other material things.I love him so much but I don’t really understand him. Have tried to date other guys because of this habit of his, but I discover a lot of these guys are after my money not my heart, even though I don’t sleep with any of them. After a while, I discovered I didn’t love them as much as I love my boyfriend.

I have tried to talk to him several times but all to no avail. Recently, I had to go through an abortion. Before I did it, I told him about it, but to my surprise, his attitude towards me changed completely thereafter. He doesn’t call me like before.

Besides, my parents prayed over him and came to the conclusion that he isn’t mine. I prayed myself and thought that though a womaniser, he is mine, but I think that I should pray hard if I want him to be my husband.

I love him and doesn’t want to lose him to another woman. Please I am confused, kindly help me out.

Besides, how do I know the right man for me? I am 25 years of age and he is not ready for marriage in the next five years. What should I do? I don’t really know what he has on his mind. I cry every night just because of him. I don’t want to be an ingrate because he has been so supportive. Without him, I don’t know where I would have been by now.

Betty.

---

Dear Betty,

If a man agrees to sponsor your education, provide for your every need, how else do you want him to make his plans for you obvious? Would he do all these if he has no intention of marrying you? That he says he isn’t going to be ready for marriage in the next five years doesn’t make him think less of you as his special woman.

He has made it more obvious than any word can say how important you are to him so asking such a man what his plans for you are; is to say the least very disappointing and discouraging. Having done so much for you, he expects you to know without being told how he feels as well as his plans for you. No man not interested in marrying a woman would waste his money training her if he has nothing at stake? Do you think it is normal for a man to do what he is doing on account of generosity?

As a matter of fact, you are the one who doesn’t know what you feel for him and who is being mischievous about this relationship. If you actually love this man, you won’t dream of dating other men. Whether you sleep with them or not is immaterial; what is important is your willingness to date other men while this man continues to take care of your bills. If he is unconcerned about the abortion or has changed in attitude towards you, it is because you haven’t been sincere to him.

From his attitude towards you, you should have known that he is a man who believes more in actions than words. For him to have changed, he must have information concerning your unfaithfulness and has made up his mind to forget everything about you. Though you claim not to sleep with any of these men, people who see you with them don’t know this hence his lack of interest in whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy.

You say you don’t want to appear like an ingrate but your attitude towards him is already presenting you as one. If your solution to whatever you perceive as a problem in the relationship is to date other men, what guarantees does this young man have that you are cut out for an enduring relationship? That you have what it takes to be faithful to a man when the going gets tough and tricky?

Sincerely, if he refuses to make a clear commitment beyond what he has already done, it is because your attitude doesn’t give him the confidence to be so sure about your person anymore. No man, no matter how much he loves a woman, would want to keep her permanently if he begins to have doubts about her.

How would you feel in this man’s shoes if you discover he is dating other women on account of a problem between the two of you? How would you feel if after investing your time and money on him, his parents suddenly realise that you are not the right woman for him? Where were your parents when he was paying your school fees and providing your needs? Why didn’t they pray before he started picking your bills?

There is no other name to justify what isn’t right. You have offended this man in more ways than he even knows. Our God is a just one who stands on the side of truth always. Rather than torture him emotionally, why not end the relationship in a very honourably? If he is a womaniser, how many women have you caught him with? Is he also paying the school fees of the other women too? This gesture of his should tell you that even if there are other women, you remain his pride and strength.

At any rate, if you trust in your prayers as well as the answers you get, why are you so such much in haste with this man? According to you, he is yours but you have to pray to overshadow all the other women in his life.

If you must know, the best things in life don’t come without mounting challenges and sacrifices. Unless you are ready to make the necessary sacrifices, you could find yourself moving from one relationship to the other because every relationship comes with its challenges.

In all sincerity, you must endeavour to be truthful to yourself concerning this man especially as it has to do with what he has done for you. If you are dishonest with him or treat him in such a way that he doesn’t deserve, you risk the anger of God. If you are tired of the relationship, let him know you are instead of trying to blame him for natural habit.

Pray that God help you to do what is right and not what you think is right.

Good luck.

Place Of Man And Woman In Marriage

Dear Readers,

Tuesday, November 24th being the anniversary of my birthday; in line with my promise last year, we are going into clinic today. We would be discussing the marriage institution with particular reference to the roles mothers are playing in preparing their wards for the challenges of marriage. It has become necessary to look at where the problems destroying today’s marriages are coming from. While it is often labelled as the society’s turf, the fact remains that the quality of the society is a reflection of the type of women and mothering the society has.

If marriages are failing, it is because something is wrong in the quality of advice women are giving their daughters. Once upon a time, mothers sat their daughters down to educate them on the dos and don’t of marriages and why it was a taboo for women to give up on their own marriages even when the man is known to be hugely irresponsible.

At any rate, there was no home for a daughter who in those days packed out of her husband’s house to come to because of the attendant disgrace associated with such a development. Women were expected to put up with whatever situation for the sake of their children who they were told would suffer the most if the marriage is allowed to collapse.

However, a look around at what is happening to most marriages reminds one of typical battlefield where every kind of deadly ammunition can be used provided the opponent is totally eliminated.

Gone are the days when couples conducted themselves with dignity and decorum expected of married couples. In today’s world many couples seem to be writing the marriage law from their own perception to suit their lifestyle, situation, wealth, position in the society, circle of friends as well as their vanity. These considerations have long replaced old time wisdom and values that stabilised marriage in those days.

The marriage institution not only remains the most challenging, dynamic and enduring, it remains the only institution that never graduates its intakes except when the centre can no longer hold.

Unfortunately, modern trends are beginning to have negative impact on an institution intended to preserve humanity as well as distinguish it from every other form of life on earth.

Its dynamism draws strength from the cultures of the couple going into it. Though universal in practice, its different flavor comes from the cultures of where it is contracted as well as those of the couples involved.

There is no contesting the fact the first ingredient is the quality of feelings generated by a couple on their first meeting. It is what makes the difference in who ends up with whom. Although many seem to be going back to the days of arranged marriages with the new trend of internet dates, the magic of the first meeting is still a strong factor in deciding what two people meeting for the first time do with their feelings for each other.

Unfortunately, relevant as the institution continues to be, civilisation is taking a serious toll on it. In place of it providing succour and protection to the family unit and by implication society, it is unwittingly complicating the social problems of the society. Today, the percentage of families that can boast of a good marriage is becoming rare. All the ideals the institution was known for in the old days are embalmed with each day that goes into eternity.

The results are children whose moral values are as loose as the worn out threads of a tattered fabric. What once counted as a taboo now passes for the norm and are so advertised for anybody who cares to see irrespective of who is watching. The awe in which children of a bygone era held their parents have been replaced by disdain and scorn of people who are supposed to the tomorrow’s leaders.

So what went wrong and who is to blame? Is it the youth who didn’t have anything to do with their conception or parents who were too much in a haste to marry that they forgot the important points in the choice of a life-partner?

Importantly, why are today’s marriages not as enduring as it was in the past? Is it like a school of thoughts says that more and more couples are beginning to realise that marriage isn’t as fashionable as it was or that the results people are getting is increasingly making it scary or like the third school of thought thinks, pre-marriage couples are putting all the wrong values before the right ones?

Whatever school you belong to, one thing is clear, the institution created to stabilise and give respect to the society is in itself in dire need of rescue. How did this important institution suffer this humiliation? What happened to the virtue of patience and endurance that kept it from breaking up in those old days, when couples especially women would do anything to keep their homes? Is it that today’s women are no longer interested in marriage as their mothers were or simply do not know what marriage is all about? At what point are today’s couples especially women making the mistakes that have become the contempt of today’s marriages?

From the letters I have had to deal with, one thing is clear, a lot of people going into marriage do so with minimal idea of what the institution is all about. Many young girls especially go into the marriage with the impression that once the dotted lines have been signed, everything becomes smooth sailing. They are therefore surprised when after everybody leaves them to enjoy a blissful married life; they find themselves as complete strangers and at the mercy of ignorance.

What many thought was love before marriage turns out to be lust for their bodies creating the problem of not being able to tolerate after a while the habits and attitude of their better halves. For instance, where once the couple was able to settle difference in the bedroom, the hassles of living together as well as the challenges of making a home makes it impossible for the couple to get too excited at the idea of making love. The attendant disappointment that marriage is after all not what it promised to be is so resounding that many couples give up trying to make it work in the first place.

The implication is the marriage collapsing even before it has time to stand. And where the couples decide to stay, the situation between them is so frosty that children are exposed to the weakness of the marriage institution.

Painfully, many of these problems could easily be avoided if mothers go beyond urging their children to get married and giving the real life facts as well as experiences of marriage.

If mothers, who are the custodians of the home begin early to teach their children about marriage and the many sacrifices that go with it, a lot of the mistakes and problems contemporary marriages are going through would become a thing of the past.

The information would enable both young men and women going into the institution know the qualities to look out for. A lot of the challenges and seemingly insurmountable issues that are breaking marriages up like pack of cards come from what we don’t look out for in our partners rather than those things we think are important.

For instance, many young girls would marry Lucifer himself provided he has the money, connection and looks. They only begin to realise it takes more than good looks to get a marriage functioning well only after they have totally committed themselves. It is then they realise he has a bad temperament, is selfish, uncaring, wicked, liar, irresponsible and a womaniser or that the woman is completely lazy, lousy cook or lover.

Youths need to know that there is a huge difference between the image they see of the person they intend spending the rest of their lives with and the person that inhibits the body. An image may be flawless in appearance but may be full of defective components inside while a not too perfect image may end up with the most treasures.

Preparing the child for adulthood goes beyond telling him or her about the taboos of sex, it is telling them about the beauty inside each person and how patience, care, tolerance, prayers, perseverance, dedication and wisdom can bring about the best in the other person.

Knowing that life is one bumpy ride would help a lot of young women and men appreciate that whatever they are facing in their marriages isn’t new; that couples right from the Garden of Eden have gone through them. It will also help specify properly the duties of the man and woman; that in marriage, there is no equal partnership; that a man remains the de-facto head while the woman is created the helper even if she finds herself providing the finances to run the home.


To be concluded next week....

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Marriage, Hard Getting Him To Speak My Mind

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem I have with my relationship. I recently clocked 26. My boyfriend is 10 years older than I am. Despite the age difference he is my dream man and we are really in love with each other. He indirectly talks about marriage, but has not come out openly to propose. I know he doesn’t have money, but as far as I am concerned money isn’t everything. But I am becoming worried at his non-committal attitude.

After being with him for a year and seven months, I recently agreed to sleep with him in September and last month since he wasn’t forthcoming on anything. I came out to openly ask him what plans he has for our relationship.

I did this to know where I stand with him as well as to give me the idea of what my next step should be. If I expected him to be categorical, I was in for a shocker as he told me pointblank that since he lacks the ability to know what the future holds, he can’t make promises. That what if he tells me he would marry me and it turns out the other way?

Agatha, I am worried, because I don’t want to double date in my life, and wouldn’t want to be heartbroken.

Now my question is, am I wrong to ask him to define our relationship? The problem is that I have other male admirers on queue, but haven’t given them any thought because I do really love my boyfriend.

Worried Girlfriend.

---

Dear Worried Girlfriend,

In a way he is right because nobody has the ability to predict what the future holds. Life is always a gamble. Everyday we gamble on the choices we make. He could promise you marriage now, but if the Almighty God says otherwise, you two would still go your different ways. Until the day a man and a woman walk down the aisle the promise to live together till eternity remains just that, a pledge not a guarantee.

Rather than concentrate all your efforts worrying on whether he would marry you or not, concentrate first on the essentials, getting to know if he has the qualities that would make marriage to him enjoyable. The mistake a lot of women make is not to prepare for the challenges of marriage first. The fact that you have a man in your life isn’t enough a reason to want marriage with him at all cost. A concerted effort must first be made to investigate the nature of the person, strength, attitude, temperament as well as disposition to life generally before marriage can be contemplated. A man or woman must be abreast with all the challenges that go with the relationship he or she wants to make permanent.

What is his worst side, the kind you wish he didn’t have but must strive to accommodate in the interest of peace and harmony in the relationship?

This is the season for you to do your homework well if you hope to be happily married to him. You could hold back on sex and still not know what it is you are supposed to do in cementing a relationship. The right mix for any relationship is for a couple to be realistic about expectations in the union. In assessing each other’s suitability as a viable partner, interest should be focused on what will and what will never work.

What is your vision of marriage to this man? The all important question you should ask yourself before pressurising him on what his marriage plans for you are would he make you an ideal husband, one you can rely on when the going gets tough, laugh with and at, grow into old age with? One you can forgive anything, would be your best friend? It is in your interest pause and reflects on these points before demanding marriage with him or any other man for that matter.

As for considering other men, because he isn’t forthcoming, relationship generally has a time of planning, the sacrifice period and time of harvesting. The flipside of this is regret when issues are not properly thought out before a decision is taken. If you are unable to make the necessary sacrifice now by having the patience to wait and observe the things he is not saying, the actual reason he doesn’t seem to be in a haste to marry, the challenges he is going through as a man as well as the peculiarity of his situation? As a woman desirous of spending the rest of her life with him, these are issues that should engage your interest, know how you can be of assistance to him. Pegging your reactions to what he said and not the reasons as woman who is individualistic in her attitude. If you actually love him, be more concerned about his welfare and interest.

On the issue of whether you should make hay while the sun is still shining by accepting one of the offers before you, it is a personal thing. But what will you do again if that one turns out not to be ready for marriage or isn’t sure too when the date would be? Walk away?

When issues like this come up in a relationship, the best place to go is before God so when all the signs are reading confusion, you will always have a solid thing, the word of God, concerning the relationship to hold on to. A choice left in the hands of God will survive whatever storm because His peace will always be present as succour.

Asking God through honest prayers for help will direct you at the right path. Don’t give God alternatives; just tell Him to show you what He has for you. This way you don’t end up with the wrong man.

Good luck

Before Poverty Denies Me Her Parents’ Nod…

Dear Agatha,

I am afraid to make a marriage proposal to a girl I want to marry. I am afraid because I feel her parents might not support the idea of their daughter marrying me based on material considerations. Please Agatha I need your advice to go forward.

Echeta.

---

Dear Echeta,

What gives you the impression that her parents are so materialistic that they would rather sacrifice their daughter’s happiness to gain it? Have you tried talking to them first? It is always wrong to assume you know the answer or response of a person even before you present your case. It is very unfair because you haven’t given her parents the chance to either deny or accept you.

Besides, for a man who is interested in taking on a wife, you seem to lack the confidence that go concurrently with the step you are about to make in life. Marriage isn’t for the chicken-hearted men because it comes with so many challenges and storms. If you are afraid of taking on the first challenge of meeting with your parents-in-law to be whatever their positions to you is, how would you react when the storm is coming from the person you have elected to spend the rest of your life with? You don’t because life is difficult give up on life.

The love you have for this girl should make you want to face anything to have her in your life including telling her parents that whatever they think of your current status that you have what it takes to keep their daughter happy. Sometimes when the parents of a woman put annoying and seemingly impossible obstacles on the path of their intending son-in-law, it is only to test his mental as well as emotional suitability for their daughter. If the mere thought of their wish makes you grow cold, what would you do if they actually stick to their guns?

In life, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You must be willing to take risks to get past some natural obstacles that come with living.

Go to them with whatever you can afford. Don’t go with the intention to bribe them to accept you, rather aim for honest acceptance of who you are, your ideals as well as your vision. When you aim to bribe, you will forever find yourself at their mercy, doing things above your ability and resources. But in presenting yourself the way you are, you may not make the right impression based on their perception of life, but you will eventually earn their respect no matter how grudgingly given.

Money isn’t everything but dignity makes a world of difference between success and failure.

Don’t forget that when you meet them. Market your dignity and not what they want you to have.

At any rate if God says you are both destined to be a couple, He will make a way for both of you irrespective of what her parents think.

Good luck.

His Sincerity Was Mistaken For Guys Quick Bite

Dear Agatha,

God will bless you for the kind advice given to people via your column to save many souls.

There is this guy who was desperate to marry me, who demanded for introductions urgently.

Because I wasn’t really too sure about him, I declined to get him introduced to my parents especially when I sensed he was only using it as a bait to get me to sleep with him.

He got married last year, and since then I have felt anything for any man. My friends are worried. They think I should let go and go into another relationship, which for now, I am not considering. This is because it would be difficult for me to believe any man again even if he is for real. I have read many stories in your column and see the way you advise people. I know you can also help me make sense of this issue.

Disappointed Lady.

---

Dear Disappointed Lady,

Life isn’t meant to always appear fair. But, trust me, at the end everything works out in our best interest. He got married to another woman because both of you were not destined to be an item forever. Don’t also forget that he asked you to marry him, but because you thought he had an ulterior motive for proposing marriage to you, you didn’t take him serious.

Honestly you share in the blame. It was wrong for you to be the prosecutor, judge and jury in a case you initiated. What gave you the impression that he was after your body? He didn’t have to go to the extent of asking for formal introduction to sleep with you. You forgot his family too would have been involved in the introduction ceremony and it wouldn’t, at that point, easy for him to terminate the relationship thereafter without giving them a reason for it.

That he appeared desperate didn’t make him unserious. He may have come to the point in his life when he wanted to have a woman by his side at all times and since he was in a relationship with you, you became his natural choice. That he went to marry the next girl he saw after you turned him down shows he was in a huge hurry to marry.

What you should have done was to discuss your fears with him, and not to allow him go away with the impression that you aren’t interested in him as a man or his offer to have you in his life. You left him with no choice when you turned down his request for introductions. Were you expecting him to wait forever? Knowing that you contributed to whatever decision he made would go a long way in helping you get over your seemingly sense of betrayal. Before he betrayed you, you were the first to betray him by not trusting him and his motive enough.

Since he is now married, it is time for you to count your losses and move on with your life. You won’t gain anything by refusing to move on. Life is about gains and losses. Your time of gain would come but this time, don’t make the mistake of assuming you have all the answers to an issue. Always ask question when in doubt while also asking for God’s wisdom at all times to make the right choice.

Good luck.

Lovemaking, When Should Parents Stop Sex Before Children?

Dear Agatha,

On several occasions, I have wanted to ask this question, but one thing or the other kept me away from asking it. The issue has to do with my almost four-year-old son.

I want to know the age children can be sensitive, especially when dad and mum is making love. This bothers me a lot and I need a kind advice.

Worried Father.

---

Dear Worried Father,

There is no telling what children of these days know. The advanced information age we currently live in means they are exposed to a variety of information, including sex, which makes whatever daddy and mummy are doing behind closed door an open secret to them.

The best thing is for him to be moved into his room. At that age, his brain is already alert and able to tell what game daddy and mummy are playing. The full impact may not be discernable, but the idea of it is there for them to pick up at anytime they want to. At that age, a lot of children are able to relate images with actions and can tell the differences between the boy and the girl.

It is the age they ask questions and demand for answers which if they can’t get from their parents can get from their teachers, uncles, aunties or gossip about among their friends.

All they need is to see such an action on television or a billboard and it all comes back to them what they saw the previous night. And before you can stop them it is broadcasted to every interested ear.

In addition, it provides them with practical examples of what a man and woman do. In most cases, the memory is carefully stored for future use when the mind drags it out from the memory bank, replays it for an action to be taken on it.

It is always best that parents don’t have the audience of their children when making love.

If your house isn’t big enough, the child should be relocated to either the sitting room. If a room, a proper demarcation of the bed should be made from the rest of the room to give daddy and mummy some privacy when nature comes calling.

Good luck.

Before Lust For My Ex-boss Sacks My Fiancé

Dear Agatha,

You have to help me on this. I am in love with my fiancé, as a matter of fact he has proposed and I have accepted, but there is something happening to me, which I haven’t figured out yet.

I fell in love with my boss without his knowledge. The feeling is three years old.

My new boss is actually the friend of my former boss. He asked me to come and work for him after my former boss travelled out of the country.

My feelings for him hasn’t changed one bit despite the fact that he doesn’t come often to the office. Whenever he comes in, I immediately begin to fantasize about him. Honestly, I didn’t think it was something to worry about until the incident I am about to relay to you happened.

On this particular day he came to the office and as usual, I fantasized about him. That night I decided to spend it with my fiancé and to my shock when he was making love to me, I began to imagine him to be my boss. Naturally, I couldn’t tell my fiancé about my line of thoughts.

Agatha, I know this may sound absurd, but I am in love with both my fiancé and boss. And no mater how hard I try to get the feelings I have for my boss behind me it keep coming back to me. I know I love my boss, but I haven't summoned courage to tell him as he may think me cheap. Please help me; it is really tearing me apart.

Ngozi.

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Dear Ngozi,

Isn’t this boss of yours married? If he were, what would you achieve by telling him about your feelings? It won’t serve any purpose at all, but only serve to destroy your own relationship with your fiancé.

Telling him would have made sense if he were single and available to return or consider your love. In that case you would be sure you don’t live in regrets later in life. Only men who aren’t men enough, who lack maturity, think a woman who expresses her love for them first is cheap. As a matter of fact men who are matured in thinking end up appreciating such kind of women forever, because it takes guts for a woman to expose herself to the possible rejection of a man.

If he is married, the best thing for you is to leave his employment to prevent the greater calamity of destroying your own relationship. With what you are feeling, it is only a matter of time you call out his name when you are with your man. It would be difficult at that point for you to deny any relationship with him because the guilt of what you feel for him would make denial on your part difficult to plead.

Leaving him would put huge distance between the two of you and help you concentrate on forgetting him. You need to help yourself forget him if you really want to make something out of your relationship and eventually marriage to your fiancé.

There is no way you can love two persons equally. If for three years, you have carried the touch of secret love for your boss, it is important you investigate the qualities he has that have kept you spell bound for this long. At this point it is imperative you do some comparison between your fiancé and boss. The essence is to help you see clearly the qualities one has that the other doesn’t, especially those of your boss. The result would assist you know how to help your man achieve some of those qualities that seem so important to you.

Because you want to marry this man, it is of utmost importance you do everything within your power to make him priority in your life to prevent emotional frustration, disappointment, tendency to stray as well as disrespect for your husband and home. The worst kind of thing that can happen to either a man or woman is to marry someone he or she isn’t in love with. The tendency is for the one not in complete love to misbehave and disrespectful. Being in love with a person, means selflessness, sacrifices, patience, and endurance, no matter the situation that arises in the relationship.

And if your love for your boss is that kind that touches your spirit person, it would be advisable for you to put some distance between you and your fiancé because to go ahead with him when you feel so strongly for another man would make it impossible for you to give him the best of yourself. Because thoughts are like waves of water, until they are ready to settle, they will keep popping when least expected.

The time out will make it possible for you to really articulate your feelings for your man as well as pinpoint the real reason you think you are in love with him. If he is making love to you and you are thinking of another man, it means your feelings for him isn’t as deep as you think and until you subject it to laboratory analysis in your mind’s eyes, you would never know if it can stand the test of time.

Don’t worry about what could happen if you do this because every relationship must go through a dry period to test its durability and ability to bounce back after the storm.

If at the end of it all, you lack a strong conviction that your feelings for your fiancé is strong enough, it would be in your interest not to gamble with your happiness later in life and take the risk of waiting for that man whose aura has enough strength to make you forget whatever you feel for your boss.

It is at this point you need the presence of Holy Spirit to help you stay focused.

Good luck.

She Goes Wild For Declaring My Love For Another Girl

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the many solutions you have been providing to problems facing people. I have a problem that needs your advice. There is this female friend of mine. We have been friends since our school days. I am a year older than her. We are so fond of each other that my roommate actually refers to her as my girlfriend despite the fact that we never once dated.

However, a twist was introduced to our relationship and it became so ugly that I could hardly recognise the friend I have had for years when I found a lady I felt something very special for.

Being my very good friend, I didn’t think anything of hiding my news from her, but to my biggest surprise she practically changed from such a loving person to this monster right before me.

Because we have had a good relationship as friends, I still want her as a friend in my life. It would be so sad to let go of such wonderful friendship on account of my going into a relationship.

So, how do you advise me on this?

Cool Cat.

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Dear Cool Cat,

There is nothing you can do now when the iron is still too hot to handle. The adage that “one should strike the iron when it is at its hottest” doesn’t apply to a troubled friendship or relationship. The best thing to do at this point in time is to walk away for time to heal whatever wounds your announcement to go into a relationship may have caused her.

It is obvious you didn’t read the relationship correctly. Along the line love came into the picture for her. While you assumed you were only friends, she wanted something more and had hoped you will eventually come round to her way of thinking. You could be the reason she didn’t have a boyfriend, because she has invested in the two of you making something out of your friendship.

If this is the case, don’t expect her to be enthusiastic about your new relationship. She naturally feels betrayed that after all these years, you are leaving her to find warmth with another woman. Something she too has for long offered you on a platter of gold.

Understandably, her hurt is deep and would take time to heal, because right now she feels ridiculed by your decision to leave her and go with another woman.

For now, it would be impossible to continue with her as before. She needs time to recollect her emotions, re-invest herself in another relationship since it is obvious she has lost out on any hope of you two up-grading your friendship to relationship.

Perhaps, overtime she would come to appreciate the way things turned out between the two of you. But until then move on with your life. And in your interest ensure you tell your present girlfriend everything about your friendship with her, to prevent mischief from coming to play later in life.

Good luck.