Marriage is not her desire now…

Dear Agatha,

I have been very close to you through your column.  I consider your solutions to be
very useful, practical and straight.I am a single man of 36 years of age. I lost my only relationship of eight years two years ago; since then I have been searching for another lady to settle down with. I must confess it is becoming very difficult for me doing this at my age as well as with my status. Everywoman I come across knows I am looking for a wife. They pretend to be good, but sooner or later, I discover the duplicity in their character. 

In March last year, I came across this young lady. I have since then tried to be close to her, never hiding my desire to have her as a wife. The first time I met her, I asked if she has any existing relationship with any man. She told me that she has a two-year-old relationship with another man. 

I asked how close they were and if they have any plans to marry. She told me that although they are close but the man hasn’t proposed to her. At that point, I decided to go ahead with the relationship. I later proposed to her.
She neither rejected nor accepted my proposal. Instead she said we should maintain the status quo since she hasn’t made up her mind to marry yet. I tried to convince her that at 22, and a third year student in the university, she didn’t have any excuse not to think of marriage.

I did everything within my powers to meet her needs. I made sure she didn’t lack much. In addition to the gifts, I made sure I was there physically. Still she didn’t change her mind.
I also didn’t attempt taking her to bed because I desired her to know how much I really care for and serious with her. At some points, my friends started mocking me as well as my claims to being a man. They think I should have long taken her to bed. 

Towards the end of last year, I slowed down with her and we lost contact, but I confirmed that she and the other guy were still dating.
Recently, I called her again and we started talking.
Agatha, I have made it clear to her that I want something more from her. I want marriage or nothing. Please, do I still keep the contact with her or forget her and seek another girl ready for marriage?
Albert.

Dear Albert, 

It should be obvious to you by now that this girl isn’t interested in marrying you. She didn’t deceive you into thinking she was. You are with her because you want to be and not because she is giving you any encouragement to spend money on her, care for her or be there for her. Telling you she has a boyfriend in her life is enough to tell you that you will never become who you so much want to be in her life. 

Chances are she sees you purely as a friend in her life, one she can do without, hence her refusal to get in touch with you when you didn’t call. Admitting she has a boyfriend she is very close to and refusing to accept your wedding proposal absolves her of any blame whatsoever. 

The thing now is for you to get serious with your own life. In your desperation to marry, you are opening yourself up for pains, hurts as well as more disappointments in life. Give her up and plan for your own woman.  The only way you can do that successfully is to forget completely the disappointment of your doomed relationship. Stop feeling pity for yourself and forget whatever reasons the other woman gave for the failure of that relationship. There is nobody without the story of heartache. Disappointment is associated with happiness. They almost partner each other. The only way to manage disappointment is not to dwell too much on it else it would be difficult to move on to other things. Doubtless, the pains of that disappointment would never really go away especially as it involved eight very good years of your life, but go on you must in life.

By refusing to act desperate, you take away the power of any woman to hurt you. Take your time to study the woman you want to marry. From your experience, there are mistakes you made before which you must avoid at all cost. Just as there are no perfect situations, there are no perfect beings. Admit to your own mistakes in that relationship with a view of ensuring you don’t fall into the same situation. Where you have to be firm, please do so, and where you have to bend backwards do so also. As the leader of the team, you must at all times be alive to your responsibilities to earn the respect of those you lead in this case, the woman in your life.

Rest more on God to avoid another grave mistake in your choice of a life partner. When in haste, it is always best to lessen your speed limit to prevent a fatal accident. Relax and take your time to get the right woman to share your life with. Marriage is not about how early but how well.

Good luck. 

I don’t understand this lady

 Dear Agatha

I am a graduate, 25 years of age and an entrepreneur. My problem has to do with the difficulties of establishing a relationship with the opposite sex. I must confess that I wasn’t brought up with the “mixing up” mentality.

I met this young lady about four years ago and we developed interest in each other. She once confessed her love for me through a friend of hers even though I have not asked her out. She went as far as telling this mutual friend of ours that she is waiting for my proposal.     

However her attitude towards me belies this claim. Although, there are times that we are so close, the other times she is very cold towards me. She acts as if we are complete strangers and would ignore me for as long as two months without reasons only for things to magically turn around after sometime.  

I have tried talking to her about this aspect of hers but she hasn’t been able to give me any good reason why she acts like that. I don’t understand this trend. Is she really in love with me?

Secondly, there is this lady that got attracted to me some years back and often confesses her love for me. She was always the one pushing for a relationship between us through her love advances, but I paid little attention to her. Recently I asked her out and she told me she would not answer my question. It’s been four months now and she has not given me any reply. She even confessed she cannot stand me dating another lady and still tells me she loves me. I saw it as the normal ‘ladies’thing, but since she expressed her interest first, I fail to understand or appreciate the attitude she is now putting up. Please help me out.

Iyke.

Dear Iyke, 

At 25, you should by now have an idea of the kind of woman that is right for you, the one that would help you grow your home, family and business. Unless you do that, you would continue to misunderstand so many things about women generally and particularly those you come into contact with.

In addition, you must help yourself by placing friendship first instead of relationship. If you have been having the challenge of establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex, you must first clear the hurdle by learning how to be in the company of female friends. See women first as human beings you must have as friends, people you can talk to confide in, lean on in times of difficulties as well as trust. To be able to conduct a successful and meaningful relationship with a woman, you must have a clear idea into the workings of a woman’s mind. 

Going straight into a relationship without you first knowing the complexity of a woman’s mind and attitude is just like writing an examination on a subject you know nothing about beyond the cover. 

Being in company of female friends would give you a clear idea of the different kinds of women there are as well as the common attribute of all women. You are unable to relate with any of these ladies because you have no inkling into what they want or how to respond to them. In a way, they remain an enigma to you even if you do the basic thing of communicating with them. 

They have done their bit by indicating interest in you. It is more than any woman can do. The onus of taking the relationship forward is now entirely your business. You must therefore define what you want in your ideal woman to know if any of these women meets your requirement in the first place. 

Since both of them appear to have similar issues with you, the best thing for you is to find out why they are playing both hot and cold. Call them separately, to first apologise for any shortcomings from your end. Having declared their interest in you, inactivity from your end would definitely be interpreted by any woman in their shoes as rejection, which in turn would make any average woman shameful at making the first move. You have to clear whatever ill-feelings they have first to be able to get them to talk about what they think of you. Have the patience to listen carefully to them, the humility to learn from them because you would always need these pieces of advice as you progress in life.

Have it in mind that a relationship goes beyond a man meeting a woman. There are so many things that must be adhered to in every relationship. Before love can be conclusive, you must be patient, understanding, tolerant, caring, respectful and responsible in every way. You must have the maturity to deal and live with a woman because relationship and marriage can be a very tasking journey despite its anticipated emotional fulfillment.

One thing you should however never do is to engage these two women in a relationship concurrently. Be friends with them. At the end of the day, you would have gained better because the woman you will end up with would in addition to being your woman be a dependable friend, one who has a thorough understanding of who and what you are.

Good luck. 

I have to choose between church or registry wedding

Dear Agatha, 

I will really appreciate your candid advice on this issue I am about sharing with you. When my husband and I met, he told me he would only participate in two kinds of wedding ceremonies. He said he would not be a party to three wedding ceremonies as is the norm these days. He told me the most important one to him was the traditional marriage and gave me the option of choosing between the church and court weddings. 

I agreed to his terms then but once in a while tried talking to him with the hope of making him change his mind on his decision but he always insists on doing only two. He says his decision is personal. 

Our traditional wedding was done last month. He is waiting for my decision on the other kind of wedding to fix the date. 

Now the issue is I would like to know the advantages, implications and disadvantages of both the church and court weddings. I am kind of confused as to which to choose. I have tried to ask questions but I’m not getting satisfactory answers, which informs my decision to bring it to your table for counseling. Please educate me on this issue. 

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife, 

One fact you should never let go is this, a marriage doesn’t strive on the kind of ceremony one did but on one’s understanding of what the whole process is all about. The success or otherwise of a marriage is the emotional investment the couple is willing to put into it. You and your man can go through all the kinds of ceremonies there are but if you both lack the commitment and determination required to translate those vows you both made at the various kinds of wedding ceremonies you went through, into patience, tolerance, respect, responsibilities, care, support, friendship; the marriage will still run into problems. 

The first step is for you to be clear on what you want, as well as your place as a woman in the set up. Whatever your qualifications are, who and what you are, your place as the wife is to give your husband all the support he needs to succeed and to show respect for his wishes. 

From the beginning he has told you what his decision is on this matter. To him it isn’t the number of ceremonies you both have that matter but what the ones you agree to mean to both of you. Be careful not to burden your marriage from its nascent stage with a load that is too heavy for it to carry. Ceremonies are meant for the public to participate in rejoicing with a couple and not a yardstick for the success of a marriage. 

Back to your question, given the choice of a church wedding and registry, opt for the one more recognised by the law. Legally, the registry is the one recognised by the laws of the land. It carries all the full weight of the law and protects the woman in case of any eventuality from many of our ancient laws and customs that militate against a woman, especially at the death of her husband. 

The court wedding gives the woman the legal platform to stand and fight for the rights of her children particularly in situations where the husband dies interstate – that is without a Will. And even in case of divorce, it gives the woman the advantage of having a portion of her husband’s assets. 

That is why couples that go through the wedding ceremonies still go through the legal thing of going through a court wedding to give the woman mainly the legal premise to operate. Besides, the marriage certificate from the court is the only one recognised and accepted by courts in case of dispute. Under strict applications of the law, only the woman who has the legal document, the marriage certificate duly issued by the registry is considered to be the legal wife even where the man is married to other women. This is the major advantage the court wedding has over the church wedding.

The church wedding is simply to give it the spiritual coverage; recognition by the church. Even where couples wed in the church, some churches these days make it mandatory for couples to still go to the registry for legal protection. 

What most couples in your situation do is to go to the registry first and go for blessing in the church. The blessing which comes in the form of a special thanksgiving gives the marriage the same kind of spiritual recognition as the wedding done in the church. It is a matter of the leadership of the church understanding the issues involved. 

Since your husband is adamant on not having more than two wedding ceremonies, discuss with your church leadership. There is no way on the format you want the blessing to take. Your husband has done the important one of agreeing to the traditional wedding ceremony where your bride price has been paid in line with our customs and tradition. It gives you protection under our native laws and customs act. 

In your shoes, I would settle for the registry. Spiritualism is what we live with everyday and at any rate, in the court, you are jointed together according to the religion you practice. 

Marriage itself is a spiritual arrangement which means from the day two people become one, they have entered into a spiritual bond. 

If it is grandiose of a wedding ceremony you want, you still have the cake, reception, gaiety of the church wedding ceremony. It is a matter of you planning the reception at a venue of your choice with all the wedding train. There is no limit to what you can do with a court wedding. It is a matter of using your imagination and observing the laws governing the serenity of the registry. 

I understand that like the average woman, you want your wedding to be a day to remember. It all comes within the package. It is a matter of accommodating the wish of your husband first and planning the kind of reception you have always wanted.

To ensure you understand what his point really is, discuss with him. Know what his misgiving really is to avoid you making a grievous mistake in your marriage. Understanding why he is against having all the three wedding ceremonies would help you too know the kind of after wedding ceremony to plan. Whatever decision you make at the end of the day, ensure you take your husband along even if he has given the authorisation to make your choice. It is your day as well as his so make it a joint event. It is the only way to tell him that he remains supreme in your life and that you intend consulting him on any matter in your home. One of the greatest secrets to a successful marriage is to personalise it by refusing to follow the crowd.

In addition, commit your decisions and thoughts to God always to avoid disappointments that come from human knowledge and wisdom.

Good luck.