My Ex-girlfriends Threaten To Deal With My New Angel

Dear Agatha,
I have to first commend you for the wonderful work you have been doing. I don’t know how to start my story but definitely, I’ve to start somewhere.
I dated two different girls some years back: one, during my school days, but parted ways after we graduated. She said I wasn’t ready to settle down. Looking at things then, I wasn’t really ready but I was determined to settle down with her.
Then came the second girl, after my National Youth Service. Though I was unemployed, I love her so much that I promised not to have sex with her just to show her I appreciate and love her so much. Our relationship flourished, people were actually expecting us to marry only for her after a year and half to inform me that she wasn’t interested any more in the relationship and that I should get myself another girl. Her only excuse was that she wasn’t gaining anything from the relationship both financially and sexually. I pleaded with her but she refused to listen to my appeals. Left with no choice, I moved out but her frequent telephone calls haven’t stopped. 

Now, I have got a job in one of the ministries in Imo State, and found a younger girl of 18 years who is still a virgin. I love her so much and have promised her a sex-free relationship till our wedding night. I intend to propose to her in no distant time. But my problem is that I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with my first and second girlfriends. My former girlfriends are threatening to deal with my innocent angel on the accusation that I dumped them because of her.
Please Agatha, I need to apply intelligence in dealing with these two girls. Though I still have feelings for the second, I don’t want to lose my little angel.
What do I do?
Kenny. 

Dear Kenny, 

If you don’t want to lose this lady to indecision, tell your former girlfriends to keep their distance from you. Let them know you have met the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and that since they took the decision to quit the relationship, they can’t blame you for finding happiness in another woman. 

To make sure they don’t destroy your new life with this girl, sit her down and tell her about your past relationships as well as how the two other ladies are now fighting to come back into your life. Let her know about their threats of coming to deal with her just to frighten her out of the relationship. 

The essence of telling her is to prepare her for any eventuality. Don’t risk any of your former girlfriends getting to her with information about your past before you do. Because these girls want you desperately, they are bound to exaggerate facts, to make it appear to her that you are lying to her about your feelings for her. 

No matter how innocent and inexperienced she may appear to be to you, she is bound to feel betrayed by you and hurt that you couldn’t trust her with information about your past. It is this trust you must try to build from this early stage.  Earn it by keeping her in the picture about your past and present. She must know at all times what is happening to you and how any decision you take would affect her. 

Unless there is something you are not saying, your ex-girlfriends lack any right to come back into your life. And you should be bold enough to stand your ground since they are the ones that left of their own accord. 

However, my worry has to do with your lingering feelings for your second girlfriend. It is not healthy for your new relationship. You must be very sure of what you feel for this young lady before giving her hopes to ride on. If you think what you feel for the second lady is so strong, don’t hesitate to forgive her. Love isn’t about ego but seeking happiness for life. 

In the process of falling in love and finding true happiness, a lot of things can go wrong. She may have left you on account of you not having a job but if you think your feelings for her are still strong and vibrant enough to erase the pains of her rejecting you, it is better to have her back than inflicting emotional pains on an innocent person. 

Therefore, in your interest as well as that of this innocent girl, think out your feelings properly before pushing ahead with anything. It might be in your interest to take a clear break from all of them to enable you know which way is right.  Seek for help from God through prayers. Good luck. 

She Conceals Feelings About Whom I Am

  Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way you handle issues concerning teenagers. May God continue to be with you.

I am a 22-year-old student of The Polytechnic Ibadan in love with a girl. We started dating from our secondary school days and I always nurtured the desire to marry her because I really love her.

However I have a problem with her because whenever I ask how she feels about me, she gets angry with me and always insists I refrain from asking her such question.

Also whenever I demand for sex from her she refuses. Because of the love I have for her, I don’t want to force her. My question is: Is it a crime to love and ask my partner how she feels about me?

Adeyinka.

Dear Adeyinka.

Thank you for not attempting to force her into making love with you. It shows you indeed love and respect her. Young men like you are rare.

If you are 22, it means she is younger and a little confused on how to handle the emotional changes she is feeling. She may not want to lie to you about her feelings, which is perhaps why she is refusing to put a name to what she feels for you. Telling you she loves you now and discovering later that what she feels may after all not be love, would hurt you more.

Try to understand with her and do moderate for now your feelings towards her. She may not be ready for the type of commitment you have in mind.

And from what you wrote, she appears to be a very sensible young lady. If you indeed love her, you should not be asking her for sex since your intend to marry her. Why pre-empt that special night of your wedding? Ease off and allow her to develop her potentials, feelings for you without the encumbrance of sex. Sex at the wrong age and situations is a burden that has the ability of derailing and devaluing what should be valued.

You can help both of you to be happier by simply being friends. She will be a lot relaxed with you if she is not under the pressure of subjecting her feelings for you to analysis or having sex with you. True friendship is what she might just be expecting from you.

If you learn to do things right and in the ways of God, she would forever remain yours.

Good luck.

Shouldn’t Her Brother Know We Are Lovers

Dear Agatha.

I have this problem that has been burning my heart since I started having this secret affair with the girl after my heart.

The girl happens to be the younger sister of my friend. I fell in love with her the very day we met. I made my intention known to her, she agreed and that was how we started our secret affair. That was two years ago and my friend is still unaware of it. The problem now is that our love has grown so deep that we can no longer hide the feelings. Agatha, I have this deep urge to confide our relationship in the brother, but my girlfriend is adamant. She said we should still keep the relationship to ourselves. Her reason is that her brother being a playboy would not support anybody dating his sister.

Agatha, what do you suggest we do about it?

Alwell.

 Dear Alwell,

If your feelings are genuine and you have good plans for her, tell your friend about your relationship with his sister. To have dated your friend’s sister for two years without telling him or giving him a hint is wrong. If you are truly friends, you should not keep such a secret from him.

The accusation that he is a playboy and would not support anybody having a relationship with his sister is neither here nor there. Granted he has good reason to want to protect his sister from taking the wrong step, something most brothers do anyway; it is not enough excuse to keep such vital information from a person you claim to be a friend of yours.

You are unwittingly betraying his trust and confidence, something that might work against you when you need his support the most in future.

In this friend’s shoes, how would you feel? Unless you or your girlfriend have something to hide, tell the brother. The worst that could happen is for him to object, which could be a blessing in disguise because it would provide both of you the opportunity to subject your feelings for each other to test. Most times when things are too smooth, it is a danger for caution. As it now your relationship appears smooth because it is cocooned in a closet. It is only when it is exposed to the dynamism of the real world that you can determine its kind of foundation. Telling him would determine if your love for each other can stand the test of time.

Good luck.

I’ve Lost My Three-year-old Marriage To My Friend

Dear Agatha, 

My marriage is only three years and already I am outside my home while my childhood friend is openly romancing my husband and planning to take my place.

I feel so betrayed because the problem that has sent me out of my home was caused by advice from my so-called friend, who knows everything happening in my home. 

Shortly after I got married, I discovered that my husband wasn’t as active in bed as he used to be. When I asked him, he kept giving every kind of excuse; from being too tired to not liking sex that much. 

Because we were sexually active when we were still dating, I knew something wasn’t right so I told my friend who took me to a spiritualist. The spiritualist gave me certain water, oil and soap to use whenever I wanted him to sleep with me. He said it would break the spell cast on him by a former girlfriend out to frustrate our marriage. According to the spiritualist, the intention of the woman was to make sure I left in frustration so she could take over my home.

His condition didn’t improve rather, it became worse as he could not achieve an erection with me. While this was going on, other problems were beginning to manifest in the marriage. He became short fused and picked quarrels with me at the slightest excuse. 

Rather than follow the advice of my mother and another friend of ours, both who pleaded for understanding on my part, I instead followed that of my bosom friend, who not only insisted I gave him back measure for measure, but seek solace in the arms of my ex, who was pressuring me to have him back.

I should have been alarmed when he told me about the situation with my husband but it just didn’t occur to me to ask who told him. 

One thing led to another and I found myself sleeping with him again. The only person who knew about our resumed romance was my friend, who, pretending to be doing me a favour always offered her home for our use. 

I thought I had it all figured out, especially as my ex appeared to want me permanently in his life. Somehow, I became careless, as well as openly rude to my husband. I would be frank with you Agatha, because I need your help desperately. I called him half-man who was unable to satisfy his woman in bed. 

That really hurt him. He simply took a few shirts and walked away from the house. Initially I was happy but got really worried when my friend who prompted me to end it all refused to pick my calls after narrating what happened between my husband and I. 

My worries increased because nobody could tell of my husband’s whereabouts. When I went to ask after him in his place of work, I was told he had been sacked two months earlier. I felt like a fool; his parents didn’t have a clue where he was, not even his best friends. 

In between looking for him, I discovered I was pregnant. I told my ex who was responsible but he told me in very clear terms that he wasn’t interested in marrying me and that he wasn’t sure if he was responsible for my pregnancy.

After being to my friend’s house severally and not finding her, I didn’t know what to do so I decided to abort the pregnancy. 

It was three months after the incident that someone whispered to me that they saw my husband and my friend together. I was excited and decided to go to my friend’s house to find out where she had been and ask the whereabouts of my husband. 

Agatha, the scene I met almost killed me as I met my friend on my husband’s laps cuddling him.

Right in the presence of my husband, she told him about my visit to the spiritualist to render him impotent so I can go back to my ex. 

The whole thing has turned out to be a fine mess, one that has made my parents refuse to intervene on my behalf and my other friends abandon me.

I am currently without a family, home or friend. I feel betrayed and have learnt my lessons the hard way. I want my husband back but I don’t know how to go about it or tell him that my friend pushed me into what I did. 

Ronke.

Dear Ronke, 

You didn’t act at all like a woman who loves and respects her husband. You acted out of line. In the first place, why would you share such a personal thing about your husband with your friend? Why didn’t you encourage your husband to see his doctor or pastor? What did you expect a friend who doesn’t have the kind of experience you were passing through to get the knowledge from that will help you out of your predicament?

If your friend has taken over your husband it is because you unwisely handed her your husband, as well as give her the weapon to fight you. 

Why would you visit a spiritualist when you can join hands with your husband to pray the problem out of his life? Did you in the first place find out if his sexual performance had anything to do with a problem he was passing through in the office? There is no way a man who has the challenges would have the presence of mind to have quality sex with his wife. If you were perceptive, you would have known something was on his mind, especially as he didn’t have the problem before. 

Even if you were naïve about the spiritual solution prescribed by your friend, were you also without knowledge of the meaning of infidelity? One of the major codes of marriage is endurance, for better for worse. How would you have felt if you were the one having problems and your husband’s solution was to date another woman? No matter what the influence of your friend was, the choice to sleep with your ex was yours to make. Admit you went into the relationship because you wanted to and not because your friend encouraged you to. Allowing yourself to get pregnant is evidence of that. Had he not rejected you and the pregnancy, would you have considered looking for this husband of yours? Be honest, would it not have been good riddance to bad rubbish? You decided to look for him because you were left with no choice and not out of remorse, which is what counts most at this critical stage of your marriage.

Frankly, if you had respect for your husband and marriage, you wouldn’t have done what you did.

Before you can talk of fighting to get him back, there is the need for you to critique what you feel for this man to avoid you hurting him more than you have already done. Do you want him back because you know you love him or want him because he is with your friend and that you have no place to go from here?

If you love him, be prepared to fight so you can get him back. This time it has to be on his terms. But first you have to get him to listen to you and you can only do this by first going to God to make peace. When a marriage is going through this severe crisis, you need the help and presence of God to heal it. You have not only hurt this man but you have humiliated him and it would take only the grace of God to make him forgive you. 

Plead with your parents; yes, they are angry but they would have to help you to beg eventually. Enlist the help of people he can’t ignore. It may take quite a while but if you are determined to go back to your man; the patience you lacked at the beginning is what you must learn to imbibe now. 

Good luck.