Dear Agatha,
There is this man I was dating before he got married. The problem now is, he has refused to let go of me and sincerely, I don’t want him to let go either.
He keeps coming to my house to plead to have sex with me; a request I have kept turning down because he is now a married man.
The new thing is that he is now planning on taking me to the
Confused Lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
He wants to take you to the
Don’t you think this move is rather late in the day considering he is married to another woman and doesn’t have the freedom to associate with you anymore?
If you were more than just a girl he gets good sex from, don’t you think he would have married you no matter the conditions that made him marry the other woman?
Sincerely, if you have any self-respect, you would urgently terminate every relationship between you and this man by putting as much distance you can possible between you and him. Rather than consider his offer, you should feel insulted by it and tell him to his face what you think about him and his offer. What this offer connotes in plain English is you are good in bed but not good enough to be a wife. Why would you want to be his mistress when you were first in his life and he left you to marry a woman he met after you?
I appreciate how much losing him may mean to you especially if you have come to love him dearly but it is only for a short while provided you are wise enough not to prolong the journey of pain and disappointment.
Deep down, do you think this guy loves you? Has any respect for you feelings, cares about how you feel? Think, if he did, why did he leave you to marry another woman? What excuse did he give you to have made him leave you for the woman he married?
That his family forced him into it? If this is his excuse, why didn’t he stand his grounds if you were that precious to him? Why didn’t he show desperation to have you in his life if sex hasn’t always been his ultimate interest in you?
In his wife’s shoes, how would you feel if your husband plans on dumping you for his ex-girlfriend?
In your own interest, turn down his offer. He is no longer free to love you and since he has made his choice by walking another woman down the aisle, he should do the honorable thing by sticking with his decision. It is the least he can do for himself.
Encouraging him to betray this woman is to further drive the digger of hurt into your heart and soul. There is no way he would leave his wife for you. Once he gets his fill of you, he will leave you all over again to be with a new catch; a woman he considers to be better than you in bed.
Coming to plead for sex with you should tell you that all he wants is free sex, which you are foolishly giving to him despite what you say. If you are so desperate to believe everything he tells you, it follows you would do anything to be with him.
You can bet your life that should you get pregnant; this man would not stand by you or accept responsibility for the child because something in your values doesn’t sit comfortably with him.
If you stop worrying about not wanting to lose him and concentrate on how much happiness and fulfilment you want from life, it would be a lot easier getting over him.
Life functions on what we feed into it, on how we colour it. If you insist on brooding over a relationship that was never meant to be, you will continue to hurt yourself and sink your entire future by the choices you are about to make.
Marriage is sacred. It is between two people. If he wants to end it, he doesn’t need you to help him end it. He made the choice to marry her without consulting you so if he has any regrets, he should be man enough to face the consequences of his choice without involving you in his scheme.
Let him know you have enough problems of your own without him adding to it. Also make him understand every marriage needs the dedication and input of the couple to work well. And that if he continues to misbehave and refuse to stand by the vows he made to his wife on the day of their wedding, there is no way he can get the best out of his union with his wife.
On your side, this is the time for you to be bold and not give in to emotional sentiments because such emotions can really hurt you as well as make you lose confidence in yourself completely.
Again, you should develop certain pride in yourself. If this man isn’t interested in showing you respect, give it to yourself by calling his bluff. When next he comes to you, tell him, you would appreciate if he stays away from you for now primarily because your feelings for him are still raw and you are unable to keep him at bay.
Only determination would help you forget him. One of the ways to is to move away from where he can get you easily. I know nursing a broken heart back to good health isn’t easy. Some days appear good while some are particularly bad and lonely. On those days, if care isn’t taken, there is the tendency to throw all caution and pride to the wind to beg the one leaving to come back.
If you are honest without being told, you can tell why he made the choice he made. Had you demonstrated some level of moral discipline and values, you may not find yourself in this emotional mess you are now in.
It is so difficult when you are trying to do the healing alone. This is the time you need your friends’ support to drive away the gloom, reason rationally as well as divert your attention away from the obvious.
Go to places you have always wanted to go; places that won’t in any way bring back the memory you are trying to forget. Immerse yourself in other challenges as well as interests that give you little or no time to think of him. Furthermore, dream of new ideas and intentions to help prevent such pain again in your life.
Over time, such company and tasks would water down your thirst for him and give you the strength to move ahead.
Remain focused on and pray for support from God to help you give new meaning and focus to your life. Making your peace with God swallows up a lot of problems in the daily struggles with life.
Good luck.
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