Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your advice column. I commend your straight and unwavering answers to problems and questions.
In 2006 I lost my wife. She left behind two boys now eight and five years of age respectively. I was so devastated that all I thought of was just work and care for the boys.
I loved my wife so much. She was all I knew, we dated for over 10 years before we got married. It has always been only her in my life.
The whole of 2006 and 2007 never had any date for me. Surprisingly in late 2007 a girl working in my office walked into our life, it was like I had found all I wanted. She was all over the place, cared for the boys and in the process won my heart.
She told me from the beginning about her boyfriend who lived far off and that I should not read too much into her presence in my life. I never understood what that meant, because aside my wife, I don’t have any experience of dating another woman.
Since I have never double dated, it started giving me a lot of concern. I thought how could I be dating a girl I know has another man in her life? I called her and gave her end of March 2008 to make up her mind to either drop the other guy or forget about me. She would be 24 years soon.
Towards the end of June 2008, she said she wasn't going to continue with me, I asked her series of probing questions, trying to figure out why she took the decision to quit. I was particularly concerned about her feelings for the kids and how their presences contributed to the decision to quit. She assured it has nothing to do with them and that she would very much like to continue to be part of their lives and requested for permission to continue visiting them when I am not at home. She kept to her words.
However, I persisted in pursuing my interest in her. At one point she told me she has made up her mind to marry the other guy, because she can’t marry a man she does not love and wouldn’t want to end up regretting her decisions later in life. This time we stopped making love and only met at work place. She listens to lots of gossips, people were telling her I am tricky and all that, which were not true.
Some months later she was sacked from the company. She therefore decided to go back to her place. On the day she was to leave for her place she warned me to stop following her about, so it won’t appear as if she deceived me. We however kept the communication going as well as offer her financial assistance when the need arises.
Agatha, after all she told me months ago, that she can’t have anything to do with me anymore, all the insults as well as the bit about her making up her mind to marry the guy from her place, she has started coming to my house regularly and allows me to touch her, very much unlike before. She has started to care all over again as well as doing all those things that made me want her in marriage again.
I am confused and my concern now is why is she coming to me again? I am satisfied dealing with her from afar she has caused us, the boys and I, a lot of emotional pains. Could she be doing all these as a result of my financial assistance to her? I know the other guy is currently unemployed too and that she is the financial pillar in their family. I called and spoke to her about marriage again, she said she has not made up her mind and that she loves somebody else.
I am really confused as to why she is still coming when she is in love with another man, a school certificate holder. She and I are graduates.
Please, I need your advice, I don't want to make mistake. I don’t know what she has planned this time around. One thing I find very satisfying in her is her large heart for children. Besides she is the only person that has shown real concern for my kids.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
It is obvious she is torn among her love for her boyfriend, her attachment to your children and the financial stability she derives from being with you.
Doubtless, she has some measure of feelings for you but not enough to make you happy with her. She will always find a special place in her heart for the man who has captured it to stay permanently.
To prevent yourself and children from getting hurt by her indecision, it is in all your interest you stop her coming to your house to see you or the children. Frankly, it was wrong of you to expose your children to a relationship you weren’t sure will lead anywhere. More so, as she told you about the existence of a boyfriend in life, take a cue from this entire experience and learn to keep your affairs under the lid until you are sure where it leads. It doesn’t augur well for the emotional stability for your children to be exposed to your numerous women until you have a definite answer on where a relationship is headed. To do so isn’t only to call your moral values to question where your children are concerned, but to give them the impetus too to be reckless when the time for them comes to be dating. The example you give now would go a long way in affecting how these children behave in future.
Remember you are the only solid feature in their lives now, their hero and role model, hence would want to pattern their lives after yours.
This is why you must do everything to protect your integrity as well as those of your children. You may love this girl and want her in your life, but her conduct shown that she doesn’t want what you want. Her attachment and sentiments for the children may be real, but she really has business with you and if her feelings for you is shallow there is no way she can make a good mother to the children. Eventually her resentment of you would affect her free flow with the children.
To give both of you time to do a thorough re-appraisal of your feelings for each other, stop any contact with each other for a while. Use this time out to think of what you really want from life and women generally, especially a new woman coming into your life. Don’t make the mistake most widowers do, trying to cast their relationships in the mould of the one they had with their late wives. Things don’t usually work that way.
Yes, the woman coming into your life must meet up to your basic requirements, but be sure those requirements are not determined by peculiarities of the late wife. We all come with special features hard to replace. In everything you do, the memory of the ex must be buried before you can think of having a life with another woman.
Again, you must look at the reason people gossiped you to her. Were there basis for what these people said to her? Even if you don’t think they were right about you, consider the motive behind it. The post-mortem is to help protect your relationship from malice as well as similar challenges.
To be very honest, there is nothing you can do about her unless the initiative comes from her.
For now, get to spend time with the children, let them know you because they need this time with you, to build memories, to be part of your life before a woman comes in again.
There is nothing that can be achieved by trying too hard to make things happen unless God ordains it.
In addition, learn to pray for God’s blessing and presence in your life. At His time, the right woman would come.
Good luck.
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