Monday, September 28, 2009

She’s Committed, But Hard To Be Loyal To Her


Dear Agatha,


I really appreciate and pray God gives you more wisdom for the great work you are doing in this column.

The issue before me is that, I am a Higher National Diploma holder and my fiancée holds a Senior Secondary Certificate. Though I do not take this as a yardstick for my choice of partner, but will it not have effect on me in the future as she has agreed to go into trading?

Another source of worry to me is that I still keep girlfriends despite her faithfulness to me. I honestly want to stop and have assured her over time that I have actually stopped. There is this deep urge within me now to tell her everything I have done to clear my conscience, but I am worried that it might affect our relationship considering she has been very faithful to me. In her shoes, will I be happy?

Please should I just stop and forget about it or is there any need to tell her as means of restitution. Currently, there are four different girls that pass the night in my house. Each time any of them is around, I tell lie to her whenever she calls to know my whereabouts that I am working late in the office.

She presently stays with her parents but do come during the weekends. She suspects, but I covered it all with cooked lies.

Please advise me.

Jonah.


Dear Jonah,

This calls for wisdom. Ideally, the option would be for you to tell her the truth if she has the stamina to forgive and continue the relationship. Some of us simply do not have the right absorbers to soak these types of shock. You have to know her limitations as a person before deciding whether to tell her the truth about your cheating on her or not. It is something you have to do on your own because you know her better than I do.

One thing is clear, if you want to keep this lady, best to let go of all these other girls. Because if she finds out that you have been cheating on her, she would never forgive or trust you again. Keeping four girls outside her is a very careless thing, something any woman would find impossible to forgive or comprehend.

She would never understand what your motivation is or what precisely you are looking for. It is easier to forgive a man with one girlfriend than one whose interest seems permanently etched on the skirts. It would not only destroy her, but also the trust she has for you.

Again, it will call to question your ability to be trusted with any female relative or friend. This indeed would be the greatest challenge the relationship will face and one that in her opinion would weigh heavily against her giving you another chance into her life.

That you are into four women at a time shows there is problem somewhere with you or the relationship. It is either you are an incurable Casanova or deep down not satisfied with this woman and relationship. If the former is your challenge, you definitely need both determination as well as the presence of God to fight the habit, else you not only end up hurting this woman but also yourself in the process. This is because by the time you realise the harm you are doing to yourself, you would have lost the most important relationship in your life.

But if it has to do with the former, you must be ready to face whatever truth you have been trying desperately to hide. There is no better time than now to let her know what your real fears are especially if it has to do with what you consider to be her inadequate educational status, and her decision to go into trading. Though you are still trying to deny that it isn’t a problem with you, the fact that you mentioned it and think it could be a problem is enough indication that it is an issue with you.

So you must first of all examine how you feel about her educational status. Are you comfortable with it? Be honest and tell yourself the truth. Do you wish she had a higher educational qualification? Admit it, and don’t pretend to yourself, because that will be your undoing in life.

Tell yourself how you feel. It would make the problem easier for you to deal with and make solution easier to source. This way you will be able to confront her with your discomfort as well as discuss the likely consequences of her decision on your relationship later in life.

Because you haven’t admitted the problem to yourself, you are finding solace in the arms of other women thinking it would help you forget the issue nagging you about her. I suspect you want a woman who has higher education, one you can gladly introduce as a graduate. The fact that she is simply a secondary school holder doesn’t exactly sit well with you. It could be a reason for your misbehaviour and will continue to be an excuse for you to cheat on your wife.

Discuss with her. Let her know what you think about her refusal to want to further her education and how it would eventually affect your chances at being happy together. Encourage her to go for any part-time programme in addition to her desire to trade. In discussing this with her, don’t make it sound as if without her going back to school, you will terminate your interest in her. But at least her knowing how much it is affecting you as well as the possibility of making you interested in another woman.

Whatever your reasons are for going into all these affairs, you owe it to yourself most importantly to get rid of this habit especially as it concerns your health. With the number of sexually related diseases around, how do you keep yourself safe from these cocktails of women you are involved with? And should you come down with something, who will you suspect to be the culprit?

Whatever the shortcomings of your girlfriend are in terms of her educational status, don’t throw away something as precious as truelove, what this woman have, none of those women has. You can if you are determined to do away with them. Just ask God for His help.

Good luck.