My stepson ‘feasts’ on my daughter

Dear Agatha, I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16. I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room unannounced. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town, so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me was that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it. According to my daughter, it had been going on for sometime now. They share the same room, since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound. My husband is naturally very angry about it, but my major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves, my husband appears unable to make a firm decision. I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What should I do, as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he has destroyed my innocent daughter. I am also considering reporting the matter to the police, since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil; but my fear is, if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from doing it. It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all costs. Her entire life and psychological well-being rest on you. This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now, take your daughter out of the house; perhaps a girls’ boarding school, as a way out of the impasse. Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is in a fix and only bidding his time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him in this mood and feeling that your demand that he sends his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel, but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life. Once your daughter is out of the house, be assured that he would want the matter revisited, since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and, while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives. If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to do it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act. Granted, you caught both of them in the act, but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way, something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the police and, under interrogation, she says the boy didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss with her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it, but her attitude to it. Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life. A lot of issues may later develop from this incident, and if you are not on top of it, you may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever. To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter, just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other. Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair to yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life. You need your husand, as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future. If you report him to the police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think are your friend. It may not matter now, but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settle down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make life miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman is the one left to protect her reputation. Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school. Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computer. Many of them may be innocent physically, but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents. It is the power of advanced technology and free information. Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life. Another thing you may not want to hear now is, how well have you treated this boy? Chances are, if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, that it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back. It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen, but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home. Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves. Good luck.

His attitude has changed

Dear Agatha, Thank you for being there for us. May the Lord continue to be your strength and give you more wisdom in Jesus name. I have been dating my current boyfriend for six years. He happens to be the one sponsoring my education. Recently, he travelled out of the country and is back. But since coming back from his trip, a lot of things have changed concerning his attitude towards me and our relationship. He doesn’t seem to have the time for me anymore. These days, he limits his relationship with me to sex and money. He doesn’t care if I am happy or not. When he came back, most of his friends and mine told me to get pregnant for him before he travels again. In their opinion, this would make him change his mind about traveling out again. Can you imagine that he left me at home and went out with his friends. I was so annoyed with him. In fairness, he apologised and promised to take me out. Contrary to what he promised me, he also went out with his friends and when I reminded him of our arrangement to be together, he said he had to keep his promise to his friends to spend sometime with them. He however promised to be back early. Based on this, I waited for him at home; to my pains he didn’t come, on the day he went out. I am really tired of everything as well as reporting him to his parents. They are always begging me to forgive him but I noticed that they are incapable of cautioning him against his treatment of me. I have been telling them I cannot cope with his kind of person. As it is, I am afraid of getting pregnant because of all that I have observed about him. I have tried unsuccessfully to talk to him but he simply has refused to change. The situation remains the same. Please what do I do? I don’t want to offend him because of what we have both been through. When I met him, there was nobody to help me. I am who I am because of his efforts in my life. Despite his attitude towards me, he still cares for me but I am becoming increasingly unhappy because of this attitude of his. Although he trusts me but I want to be happy and don’t deserve what he is doing to me at all. Betty. Dear Betty, You need a lot of patience, attitude of tolerance and understanding to overcome this challenge. Doubtless, the picture you painted on the surface appears hopeless but there is always a lesson in every experience we go through in life. The lesson is to help us go into the next stage or class in the school called life. There is no way you can go into the next stage if you don’t pass the stage you are in now. Your solution is in your ability to focus and harmonise every issue involved in your relationship. To get it right, you need to go back to the very beginning for possible clues as to why he is behaving this way. You need to do this urgently to avoid masking the real issues with the wrong colours. You also have to ask yourself what your real motives are. People don’t change dramatically from who they are overnight. To get a clear picture of what is really happening between the two of you begin the perspective from yourself. I must warn of the need for you to be absolutely honest with yourself. The truth you tell holds the key to your future happiness. Has he always been like this? If yes, how have you coped with him and if no, at what point did he change? When did you begin to realise you cannot cope with his behavior anymore? Importantly, do you really love him for who he is or what you are getting from him? As a matter of fact, have you ever loved him? Honest answers would help clear a lot of the confusion currently enveloping your relationship. For instance, if he has always been like that, what has changed to make you feel suddenly tired of him and his lifestyle? Is that you have suddenly realised that after being with him for six years, he has become too complicated a man for you or that you can no longer bear to tolerate his presence in your life? I am not saying you don’t have the right to terminate the relationship or to complain about his behavior, far from it but it is in your interest to be properly focused on your reasons. If he has changed, don’t just blame him for everything. Ask yourself how you contributed to it. Look at all the things he has complained about your person. If he likes parties, do you? How often has he tried to get you involved in his kind of lifestyle, get you interested in going to the places he likes? How many times have you resisted his gesture to make you comfortable with his friends? Often we make the mistake of condemning people even before we get to meet them. What efforts have you made to bridge the gap of differences between your persons? A relationship can become so boring if a couple cannot find a point of equilibrium. The fact that he left you at home to enjoy in the company of his friends tell two stories; either that he finds your company boring or that you have refused to flow with the company of his friends. No matter how intolerable you find the behavior of his friends, the fact that your man seems to like them, means you should try to accommodate them. Making it appear he has to make a choice between you and his friends only complicates things. Even if you think his friends are not good for him, there are ways of putting a distance between them without making it obvious to him. For all you know, these friends you don’t want him to associate with, may be the ones instigating his new behavior against you. These friends can deliberately set out to make things difficult between the two of you if they perceive you to be hostile to them. This is why wisdom is required in dealing with issues in every relationship. Try to make a positive change in the areas you know you are weak. It would go a long way in doing what words, nagging cannot do. If he has always been like this, how did you put up with him all these years? Why are you suddenly realising he is a very difficult man? There is no arguing the fact that sometimes, one get fed up of putting up with a situation but don’t you think, your motive would be suspected if you leave him after he has taken the task of paying your way through school? And would you have considered ending the marriage if you two had been married? This is the juncture you really ask yourself the question you may never have bothered to ask yourself all the years you dated him: the one concerning what you really feel for him? There is nothing true love cannot make right. It is what makes sacrifices easy to make in every relationship. He has made and is still making the sacrifice of paying for your empowerment and comfort. What sacrifice are you willing to make for him? Honestly, you can get a lot of your fun back if you really love him. It is a simple matter of looking back to that thing you really like about him. Often than not, we forget to remember those special qualities in our loved ones over the years. This is because we are in the habits of taking our partners especially, for granted. He may not be listening to you if you are doing it the wrong way. Sometimes it isn’t what we say that is the issue, but how we say it. You could say what you have been saying for years in a different way and get instant result. If you have sat him down to discuss what you feel is wrong with your relationship without him changing, why not sit him down to ask what you are doing wrong? Don’t assume or make him feel he is the problem in the relationship. What this does is to immediately put him on the defensive and very unreceptive to whatever you have to say whereas, if you allow him run away with the impression that you are more to blame, he would not only listen but also admit to his own challenges. You must learn from this early to build confidence, trust, sacrifices, selflessness and tolerance into your relationship. Between two people, a lot of things can go wrong just as the same things can be put right with the right attitude. Whatever is the problem, go to your man with a clear mind and focus on taking the relationship beyond this point. The idea of leaving should come only after you have done everything humanly possible and praying about it. Good luck.

I caught my father in bed with my wife

Dear Agatha, I caught my father in bed with my less than a year old wife. Ironically this happened a day after she told me that she was carrying my baby. The strange thing is that my father and wife are behaving as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. My father simply got up from my matrimonial bed and ordered me to follow him. In my living room, he gave me a cheque of N25m to buy myself a car of my choice while my wife went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. The whole thing appeared to be like a movie as I looked from my father to my wife. A presence more powerful than me held me down, preventing me from going after either my father or wife. I eventually summoned the courage to move and found myself going towards my mother’s apartment. When I got there and narrated the whole incident to her, she begged me not to fight or say anything about it to anybody. My elder brother who came into my mother’s apartment while I was narrating the incident, laughed and patted me on my shoulders without saying anything. My immediate elder sister, who has refused to come back to Nigeria from London since she left eight years ago, wasn’t surprised by my story. She only told me to take things easy and not try to make trouble with my wife if I valued my life. I am the last born of three children and the favorite of my father in particular. That night, my mother came into our apartment to take my wife with her. I didn’t sleep throughout the night wondering what strange things were going on in my family. The next day as early as 6a.m., my father came over to my apartment to more or less warn me about trying to make trouble. He told me what I witnessed was beyond me and that it would continue to be the pattern until he got tired. After he left, I ran to my friend’s place who in turn took me to Epe to consult with a spiritualist. Without much ado, the spiritualist, told me that I will learn to live with the situation else I would become insane if I try to challenge my father. He said, not even my mother can challenge my father. He said, my father has gone too far to change and that things have been damaged beyond repairs in the things he has done to us; that it would take the grace of God for my siblings and I to overcome the spiritual problems my father in his quest for power, money and fame has done. He too advised me to continue to tolerate the situation by accepting to live with my wife who he said, was brought into my life by my father for his purpose. Two days after our visit, the friend that took me is critically ill in the hospital. doctors are yet to say what precisely is wrong with him. I don’t need anybody to tell me where the attack is coming from. This has made me very determined to fight my father to a standstill. I want to confront and expose him for all his friends and associates to know who he really is. I am yet to return home after that day. At night I keep seeing my father in my dream telling me to come home for my own good. My mother and elder brother have been relentless on the phone urging me to come back home. We all live within the massive family compound which is actually a mini estate as all our domestic employees with their family live within the compound. My father doesn’t allow anyone working for him in the house to live outside the premises. He insists on it and has a school bus that takes all the children of his staff to and from school, my mother runs. Please help me as I am so confused. I feel sorry for everybody in that house. How do I challenge my father and still be alive to tell my story. I feel so helpless and lost. Do save me Agatha. Helpless Son. Dear Helpless Son, I cannot save or protect you. Only God can. To fight a father like yours, you need first to connect and know God. Without Him, you can never win this battle. This is one clash way above you. Besides, it is a blood battle involving your parents, who know everything about your origin. Don’t also neglect the fact that God gave them the authority over you as vessels that brought you into this world. Unless you are specially protected by God, whatever they decree about you will happen. This is the real danger you are into. Your mother who has the spiritual power to neutralize your father’s authority over you, is on this with your father leaving you orphaned in this battle. Also, if you decide to go physical he could easily declare you insane; he has the money, connection and authority to do that. It would be his words against your own. All those people you cite as being under his spell would be the very ones he will use to declare you insane. So you see, this isn’t a battle you go into without having God on your side. Exposing him to his friends will not make any difference because there is the probability these so called friends are in the same society as your father. As a matter of fact, you will be making more enemies for yourself making such moves. If your mother who should rise to protect her children is unwilling to do so, is infact complacent about her husband sleeping with her daughter-in-law, who are you to fight him? Situations like the one you have described, need good wisdom to overcome. It is also requires careful patience and planning. Given recent developments in your family, your father is on his guard, prepared to match you violence for violence; as a matter of fact, he is willing to sacrifice you rather than to risk everything. Everything that makes him your father is dead. He sees you as the enemy so be careful and mindful of the great danger you are in. Don’t tell anybody where you are putting up to avoid what happened to the friend who took you to the spiritualist. Also avoid patronizing spiritualists as they are very capable of adding to your problems. They don’t have the power which God has to protect you from consequences of your foundation. Besides, some of them derive their powers from the same place your father got his power from. There is no way they can confront your father because a house divided against itself cannot stand. Therefore, your best bet is to remain under the canopy of God. Wherever you are, there is the urgent need for you to talk to God. The fact that you are able to resist your father in the way you are doing underscores your spiritual superiority over him. Chances are he has also slept with your elder brother’s wife. Unlike you, he is not able to challenge your father. To be completely free of him and his powers, stop spending his money or using anything that comes from his money. You have to learn to make sacrifices, become self-dependent as well as finding yourself an apartment outside your father’s vast estate. As long as you depend on his money and resources, you might never win this battle you have set for yourself. It will weaken your position as well as compromise you. When you didn’t know the source of his wealth, you could escape the punishment but now that you know, it will count against you. Being a highly spiritual battle, you have to learn to pray and fast to gain access into the presence of God whose authority you must submit to completely come out of this in one piece. To help you, pray He directs you to the Person who will join and direct your cause. Out there, is someone He has prepared to join you in this confrontation with your father; you need Him to introduce both of you. The fact that your father keeps appearing to you at night makes the matter of prayer extremely urgent. Also, pray for spiritual recovery of your friend so he doesn’t die for helping you. This is where you should begin your prayers. Their aim is to isolate you from people who may want to help you find a solution. As long as you trust God, you will overcome. Good luck.

When is it right for a girl to have a boyfriend?

Dear Agatha, I am 18 and already being asked out by different men, both young and old. When I was 16, I had an adventure with a man, my lesson teacher which almost ruined my life. He tricked me into sleeping with him with the promise that a woman doesn’t get pregnant by doing it once. But for the help of my elder sister, my mother would have discovered I was three months pregnant. The worst thing is I didn’t know and when I went to inform him about my state, he denied me. It was my elder sister I turned to who took me to a doctor. As a result of the experience, I stayed off men until now that demand from men is almost choking. Besides, I am in two hundred levels. I want to know if it is alright to date men now and how I can avoid getting pregnant. I also want to know how to avoid sexual harassment from lecturers some who are already threatening to fail me if I don’t play ball. A lot of my friends are doing it and not hiding the fact they are using their bodies to pass examinations. I want to be guided by you. Also, at what age is it permissible for a young girl to go into a relationship? Juile. Dear Julie, First and foremost, be focused. It is essential you know what you have gone to school to do. It isn’t just about passing but, being able to defend your certificate. There are a lot of people who claim to be graduates but are no better than illiterates. At the end of the day, they not only embarrass themselves but call to question the image and prestige of the schools they claim they graduated from. As a young lady, always stand firm in the belief that you can be the best without compromising yourself. Refuse to be intimidated and if a lecturer persists or threatens to fail you on account of your refusal to sleep with him, you have various options available to you in checkmating him. This is why we have, the university senate, human rights activists and the media. Granted it could make you somehow unpopular among lecturers in your school but it would deter other lecturers from preying on the bodies of their female students. Because friends will always be part of your life, you must discover your own strength; carve a niche for yourself as well as the techniques of being your own person. Rather than be a part of the crowd, learn to be different and lead the crowd instead. Always remember, you are not your friends hence you must not behave like them at all. They are behaving that way because they are comfortable with the situation so why do something you are not comfortable with? Your example can help those friends of yours who have been brain washed to think they don’t have any choice in the matter know what their options are. Furthermore, you would be helping to preserve the integrity of the school in more ways than those randy lecturers realize. Like you have found out from your early experience; unplanned sexual escapades often than not, result in severe consequences for the girl. You got pregnant and would have ruined your future simply because one man deceived you into having sex with him by lying to you that a woman cannot get pregnant if she has sex once with a man. Although that abortion you did could have cost you your life, damaged your womb, that you are alive today is God’s grace. Don’t abuse it by taking unnecessary risks that could further devalue your womb as a woman. Go into a relationship with the right attitude. At 18 and in the university, you have attained maturity. This isn’t by age but what you have been able to achieve in terms of educational advancement. There are a lot of young girls older than you who can’t go into relationships because of their lack of credentials to do so. You are free to do so because in addition to getting an education in the university, it is also an opportunity for both young men and women to find their life partners. At this stage in your life, it will be unfair to ask you not to have a boyfriend. But in having one, ensure he aligns with your dreams for yourself. Many a time, the wrong company derails. Therefore, you need to be clear minded and headed in arriving at the right man for you. To ensure you come close to the right choice; first investigate who you are. To get it right be very honest with who you are. Don’t out of a desire to have a man in your life at all cost, date a man who lacks what it takes to make the real you happy or help you achieve your dreams in life. There are different kinds of men out there just like we have all sorts of women. In life there are those who help one grow and those who are experts at destroying others. For you to discover who any man is, don’t give in to sex. Begin by being friends with the man to enable you discover who he really is. Any man that puts too much sexual pressures on you or tells you that it demonstrates your love for him; keep such man at arm’s length. Any man who is in love with a woman doesn’t put sexual pressures on her. He allows things to happen naturally. Because relationship goes beyond sex, the man must be a good companion who never gets tired of offering assistance whenever you need it. He must also be the kind of man who is patient, trustworthy and respects you. In addition, he should be interested in your growth as a person. This includes sharing in your dreams and offering your ideas to further enhance your dreams. As a young lady desirous of making it in life, begin this early to place things in the hands of God. It is important to prevent you making mistakes in life. Good luck.

I am in love with my brother’s friend

Dear Agatha, I am in love with my brother’s best friend. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I know you might think it is infatuation because I am just 16, but he is everything I need in a man. He is kind and gentle as well as so handsome. I cannot concentrate on my forth coming examinations because of him. What do I do? Lilly. Dear Lilly, What do you know about love or men at your age? At your age, you should be thinking of how to pass your examinations and going into the university. You have an entire life ahead of you to do men business. To jump start it is to create avoidable entanglements in your life. Beside, your emotions are not ripe enough to handle men. More than anyone else, I appreciate that your hormones are causing some kind of havoc inside of you but what makes one girl responsible and the other irresponsible is her ability to control all the confusing chemicals the hormones are pushing out. This is why you should concentrate on passing your examinations first. Having a good education, is one of the ways a woman protects herself from being irresponsible. Paying more attention to your education will also help divert your mind from focusing on men. You are right, what you feel is infatuation because you don’t know all that go into having and conducting a relationship. Are you considering pregnancy in all these? As long as a young girl is old enough to menstruate, she can become a mother. What if your adventure turns out to be a nightmare that of you having a baby at your age? What do you think would become of the future that looks so bright? You are in school because your parents want the best for you. There are so many young children your age whose parents cannot be bothered if they are in school or not. Therefore, don’t abuse the chance your parents are offering you by engaging in activities or actions that will destroy that future your parents plan for you. With the right kind of education, there is no man on earth you cannot have. For now perish whatever it is that you feel for your brother’s friend or any other man for that matter. Good luck

He beats me at the slightest excuse

Dear Agatha, I am in a very abusive marriage; there is no day I don’t get beaten by my husband so much so, neighbours no longer bother to come in to separate us. Some of them now gossip behind me and I get to hear; they think I enjoy the violence-which they think is a stimulant for me to enjoy having sex better with my husband. Others wonder if I have no family to go to. I don’t blame them at all; in their shoes, I would also be mislead into thinking the same things given the fact that it is something my husband and I do everyday. I am sincerely fed up especially as my son who is just three is beginning to manifest the same kind of violence in his play group at school; he fights and bites his mates. My entire body is adorned with different scars courtesy of my husband whose reasons for beating me vary from money to my attitude. At times, he comes home drunk and that is enough reason for him to pick a fight. The last fight landed me at the hospital; according to the doctor, I was lucky because I had lost a lot of blood before a neighbour found me on the floor in our sitting room. Although, I made up my mind to end the marriage but when my pastor and elders of the church came to preach tolerance and patience, I decided to stay on. According to them it is a phase that will one day come to an end and importantly, that God doesn’t support divorce. I respect my pastor too much to disobey him. He says those who disobey God on this important injunction go to hell. Truthfully, it is becoming harder by the day as my husband appears very determined to kill me. Nothing I do pleases him. He doesn’t care who the audience is, he beats me anywhere his anger overwhelms him including the church. Because of this temper, I lost my job when he came to my office to beat me up for forgetting to drop the key to the house with a neighbour. He traveled, didn’t tell me he was coming back earlier than he told me; that was my offence. He disrupted business at our banking hall that day. It was so bad that security had to be called in to throw him out. I don’t know what to do. My parents are of the view that when I am tired, I will end the marriage as they are tired of asking me to come out of it. His cousin who has on several occasions witnessed our fights has on several occasions told me to leave to avoid being blinded like my father-in-law did to my mother-in-law. I met my mother-in-law once and was told by my husband that she became blind in one eye in an accident. I just assumed it was a motor accident. According to the cousin who stopped coming to our house when my husband fought him for telling me about the real cause of his mother blindness, it was what led to the separation of his parents. My father-in-law banned his wife from ever seeing the children. I met her when I put to bed. She came to the hospital to see the baby and I. I really have lost every respect and love I have for him but I don’t want to disobey God by ending the marriage. What do you think? Lara. Dear Lara, You can only stay married if you are alive. Dead people don’t marry nor have children. I am sure your pastor also told you that suicide is a sin before God. Staying in such a violent marriage is akin to committing suicide. There are no medals for staying and dying in a violent marriage. The God we serve isn’t wicked. Yes, the Bible stresses on sustainability of a marriage to avoid frivolities by couples looking for the slightest excuse to terminate their union. But in this instance, when insanity has blanketed sanity, leaving, is the most viable option. It isn’t the pastor that is being beaten everyday or his children that are being exposed to violence. It is your life and your children’s lives that are being toyed with. This is the time you need to read your Bible so as not to be misguided or carry a needless burden, God hasn’t placed on you. The pastor is only performing his role. The truth is, no pastor or church will ever tell a couple to end their marriage but you, who is wearing the shoes should know when it too tight to walk with. There is no meaningful dialogue or resolution that can take place in this kind of situation you have painted. You are dealing with a very stubborn foundational problem here. The spirit of anger is one that takes the special grace of God to dethrone from a home or one’s life. Your going away isn’t the same as divorce; you need peace to pray your home back into reckoning. Ironically, the same people who are urging you to stay on, would be the same people to perform your burial rites and declare your husband free to remarry if you die in the process of preserving your violent marriage. The Bible is peppered with profound references to wisdom. Without it, we become foolish and blind to various doctrines that becloud our normal senses of reasoning. I am sure God didn’t intend marriage to be a battlefield or a fighting arena. The instructions are clear; a man should care for his wife who is his helpmate. Common sense demands you stay clear of this man until he comes to the full realization of his problems. It isn’t normal for a man to go about beating up his wife at the slightest excuse. Even if you are the causes of his anger, the fact that he is unable to control his reactions invalidates his reasons. You have to stay alive to keep the marriage going. This is what you should emphasis to your pastor the next time he tells you to endure the violence in your marriage. Granted there is no marriage that is problem free but when it becomes the order of the day, there is the need for the wife to consider her life first. Your leaving will provide him with the chance to think and give you both a future to negotiate your options. Both of you can still come back together if you are alive but once dead, you become yesterday’s history. There is also the issue of the children. They are an important factor in this whole matter. As their mother, you have a duty to protect them from this kind of violence you have described. If your three year old child is already imbibing the culture of violence, then you must act urgently else you risk entrenching the legacy of violence your husband’s family is already noted for. Your husband is who he is today because of the examples he grew up with. There is no way a child raised in a violent home, who daily witnessed the battering of his mother by his father would think it abnormal for a man to beat his wife. Don’t allow your son to grow up to become like his father; you owe it to him and the family he would one day raise to protect him from himself. Besides, you owe it to yourself to say alive at all cost. It is your right to live, don’t allow anybody deny you of it. He has already taken away your career; don’t give him the opportunity to take away your life. If the church expels you on account of your decision to be alive, so be it. Your business is with God and not man. If he is truly a Christian, he won’t beat you because the Bible’s instruction to men on how to relate with their wives is very clear. You can only understand and be patient with a man who is reasonable, not one who is deaf and blind to all reasoning. This is not to say you are without your own faults. Even though he now appears to have the major fault because of his lack of wisdom in the handling of domestic matters, be honest in admitting your faults. This is highly important to help in appreciating your own defects as a woman, wife and mother. There is nothing impossible before God. Your husband could change through prayers and become the perfect husband you want him to be. If you remain your old self, chances are your marriage will be far from being the perfect union you want it to be. Importantly, let your motive for any decision you take be clear. If you are leaving, have it at the back of your mind that you are only going away for a while to give your husband time to think and to protect your life and children from needless violence. No matter what, stand in gap for your husband. He needs you now more than ever. Good luck.

I want him to be my first

Dear Agatha, Please help me out of this shame. For a year and two months, I have been in a relationship with this man. About two weeks ago, I asked him to help me out with some money because I was broke. He told me he didn’t have because things weren’t very good for him financially. I understood, because even when I didn’t solicit for money he would give; all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed and he also started accusing me of pretending to be in love with him; an accusation that has no basis. He stopped calling me for three days. I had to write him a letter reassuring him of my love. In that letter, I got angry and asked him if that is how he would go about accusing falsely when we get married. I also told him that since he lacked confidence in my love, we should stop seeing each other. Of a truth, I wasn’t serious about my threats. He didn’t call me for three weeks despite the fact I was constantly sending text messages begging him to forgive me. He eventually picked my call only to inform me that he was no longer interested in me. He said, I was free to go with anybody I desired. I don’t know what to do: he is my first love and I want him to be the man that will deflower me. Help me, I am dying silently. Heart broken Girl. Dear Heart broken Girl, In matters of the heart, you don’t choose love rather, it does the selection. It decides who it wants to be paired with which, is why you must not try to enforce him to love you at all cost. Rather than pine away in agony and despair over what he has said, ask a friend of yours known to him to go and try to talk to him on your behalf. Let her find out from him why he changed his mind about you and what informed his decision to conclude about his relationship with you. If the friend can, let her plead your case with a promise that whatever his grouses are against you shall be handled by her. But it is also important you admit your shortcomings in all these. Often than not, we are quick at shifting the entire blame of our disappointment or hurt on everybody but, us. In your hurt, you could have said one or two unpalatable things to him without considering the far reaching implications of doing or saying so. Besides, why would you give him an ultimatum when you know he means the world to you? Not everyman likes to be pushed to the corner. He would think you did that because he could not give you the money you asked for. Men don’t like being broke and often react negatively when put under pressure. The tone of your letter could have set him thinking in another direction you never intended in your letter. Unless you are given the chance to explain yourself better, he may escape with the wrong impression that you lack what it takes to be a good woman. But, if he has made up his mind not to continue with the relationship, allow him be even though it will cost you some emotional pains. There are certain things you don’t force in life, love is one of them. Like life itself, every relationship is a kind of classroom. We learn and take away that which is important to our next stage in life. There is nothing you can do about it if God hasn’t paired both of you. There is an adage that says only those who appreciate Kola-nut cover it with leaves. The uninitiated expose it to the elements of weather to destroy its essence. If this man isn’t meant for you, your virginity would at the end of the mean nothing to him whereas; the man who is yours will forever cherish your special gift to him. Stop worrying and allow God do His work. Good luck. After five years, he says I am not good enough Dear Agatha, My heart is heavy. I have just been jilted by the man I gave my virginity and my life to. For five years, I waited patiently for him to establish himself after graduation. While we were in school, I funded him from my business money. I was into buying and selling of clothes and foodstuff while at the university so I always had money and food. Although, older than I am, I graduated a year before him because he had a carry over. Despite pressures from my friends and family members, I decided to wait for him to finish and even influenced his employment through my friend’s father. Along the line I got pregnant and didn’t notice until it was too late for me to abort it, so we had the baby, a boy. I didn’t mind having our child because I thought we were destined for the altar. And just when I thought we were about to finally making things official, he dropped the bombshell that he has fallen in love with someone else. There is nothing his friends, family members didn’t say to make him change his mind, he insisted on dumping me: he described me as being too old and not good enough for him. Where do I start from? I just want to die and leave this world alone. I can’t endure the shame of everything; and all for nothing. All I ever did wrong was to love him with everything that makes me a woman. Agatha, I need your strong shoulders to lean on please help me. Calestina. Dear Calestina, I feel your pains and disappointments but God knows everything. In His time and season, you will get to find out that what you assumed to be the real thing was actually fake. Most times, what we assume to be the best for us, are usually not what God wants for us. If this man were yours, he wouldn’t have left you for another woman. Having that child was the reason both of you came together; the reason you must pull yourself together to care for your son. That boy has given you a reason to live; a reason to thank God that all your waiting and investment on your ex weren’t in vain. The presence of that child underscores God knowledge in all that happened between the two of you. No matter where he goes, who he ends up marrying, he will never forget that he has a son somewhere. Whatever your personal challenges maybe, set them aside and be the mother that child needs now. The reality of a woman’s life is that motherhood doesn’t recognize or excuse a hurting heart. That boy needs you to care and love him unconditionally. See him as your compensation for all the years and emotions you invested in his father. Being a woman and having gone through emotional pains, disappointments and aches, I can tell you they don’t last forever; around the corner is always God’s brightest sunshine and bluest clouds to usher one into another experience. The problem with most people is summoning the strength and courage to begin afresh. As a matter of fact you should be happy he didn’t leave you stranded on the altar or that this didn’t happen after the wedding ceremony. Even if you are already a mother, it doesn’t compare to having the record of a failed marriage this early in life. often than not, the society unfairly blames the woman for a broken home irrespective of the situation that led to it. For this reason, learn to appreciate God because He is clearly on his Throne in your life. To avoid too many questions, move away from familiar environment to a place where nobody knows you. Go with your son, his presence will help to heal you. Trust me, the presence of a child is always a soothing balm for broken heart; they will never give you the chance to go into depression. Furthermore, if you kill yourself, what would be your testimony and the fate of that innocent life you brought into this world? Once you trust God and are willing to let Him play His perfect role in your life, you will be surprised at the quality of man waiting to grace your life and soul. Painful as it might seem today, thank God for removing this man your love may never have given you the courage to remove from your life. The truth is, you were too blinded by your determination to get married to him that you didn’t see the signs he has been giving you. he simply used you to get what he wanted out of life. Such a man would never have made a good husband to you. the more reason you should thank God and pray He sends a man who will care for you as a man should for his woman. Good luck.