Saturday, October 24, 2009

I Love My Husband But…


Dear Agatha,


Please tell me how to handle this problem I have found myself in. There is no doubting the fact that I love my husband but my two-year-old marriage is already feeling like a century old because of the issues I have had to battle. It has been one problem after the other.

I met my husband when things were very difficult for me, when I had no place to stay and was living like a house-help in the home of a friend of mine. My friend’s mother, aware of my helpless situation, assigned all the housework to me. I cooked, cleaned and washed for the family. My friend soon joined the mother in treating me like the paid help.

I ate only once a day and even at that, it would be without fish or meat. When done with the house chores, I would go to her shop to sell her wares. It was not easy but I had to endure the treatment for the sake of a roof over my head and the gift of a meal.

It was while selling at the shop that I met him. He had come with a friend to buy some drinks and engaged me in a conversation. From that point he became a regular face at the shop and got to know about my story when he came to the house and found my friend’s mother raining curses on me.

The next day he came to the shop to know what my actual status in that house was. I had no choice but to tell him the truth; how I left home due to my mother’s hostility and how my friend offered to house me, as well as how her mother turned me into the unpaid help.

Three days after telling him my story, he came to the house and ordered me to pack. That was how I found myself living with him in his family house. I encountered another kind of' problem from his stepmother, who was a former friend of' his mother while there. She was very hostile. There was evidently no love lost between her and the children of her former friend.

Unwittingly I became involved in a battle whose origin I knew nothing. However, being a naturally hardworking and friendly person, I soon endeared myself to the woman and his father because I ensured the compound was kept clean at all times.

As time went on I got to meet the mother of my boyfriend who had relocated to another part of town. Initially, she welcomed me with open hands until I declined to accept some substances she wanted me to put in the food of her rival and husband. Since nobody witnessed what she wanted me to do for her, it was her word against mine. Besides, what would I gain by telling my man about the evil intentions of his mother? Nobody, least of all my man, understood her suddenly loathing of me. She pointedly told my man to discontinue his relationship with me but because we still lived in the family house, she couldn’t come to make trouble with us.

But the opportunity came when we moved into a place of our own and she came over to make so much trouble. I had to run back to school. My boyfriend had taken on the responsibility of sending me to school.

It was while this was on that I discovered I had fibroid. According to the medical reports the fibroid was too big for me to get pregnant.

I however kept the knowledge to myself because I did not want him to end the relationship and leave me to my predicament. All the churches, as well as the spiritual houses I visited, all pointed to the mother as being responsible for my condition since she didn’t want me and would stop at nothing to ensure I didn’t have a baby for her son.

By a stroke of good luck, God smiled on me and I got pregnant. I almost lost my life but God’s will, prevailed on the day of delivery.

However, my husband’s attitude changed towards me. Till date he doesn’t care for the baby and I; my mother-in-law hasn’t seen the baby, her first grandchild 18 months after his delivery. His father prevailed on him to formally marry me. His mother was absent.

From the grapevine, I hear my husband is seeing another woman and that she is actually pregnant for him. He doesn’t make love to me prompting me to beg him for what should rightly be my entitlement. The only time he agreed to it, I got pregnant and when I informed him, he told me to get rid of the pregnancy. When I refused, he disclaimed the pregnancy and resorted to calling me several names. He promised to make life unbearable for me and he is actually making good his threats. Most times, I don’t want him back home.

Agatha, what can I do? Do I go for an abortion for peace to reign in my home? I am really confused.

Esther.


Dear Esther,

I know how bad marriages can affect one’s state of mind. I know more than most people about the psychological trauma of wanting a partner to stay permanently away because of the pains he or she is putting you through but I tell you, these are feelings that would go away once the person changes, they have no deep roots.

These things only form a part of our story and experiences through life and marriage. One day, they would become referrals to other women, including your children, sisters and friends going through similar challenges in their marriages.

I assure you, your problem is not peculiar to you because it is similar to what a lot of women are facing in their homes. You are certainly not alone; go and ask our mothers, fathers, friends, aunties or uncles, they would tell you the same story in different versions. We each have a cross to carry. Granted, marriages are meant to be enjoyed but we seldom have a marriage that is flawless. Each comes with its share of pains and unpleasant history.

What matters at the end of the day is how we manage this dark period. There will always be pillars of clouds as well as sunshine. Marriage is a cocktail of every experience and feelings.

Make up your mind from this early to treat this dark stage in your marital history as a necessity or intended by God to open your eyes and mind to His glory.

At the end of the day, if you are wise, you would have a deeper understanding of life as well as appreciation of God; would as a matter of fact make you know God better later in life for giving you the strength to survive moments like this one.

Don’t abort the pregnancy. Many children that eventually turn out to be their father’s favourites are mostly those whose pregnancies their fathers insisted must be aborted or denied.

For now, let him be. He would eventually change. Trust me, he hasn’t made any history by rejecting the child. He isn’t the first husband to reject a pregnancy neither would he be the last. So many men have similarly rejected pregnancies on usually flimsy grounds.

Rather than fight him or wish he never comes back home, hand over the situation to God. He has all the answers.

And for your sake, be careful where you go to for help because not everybody that proclaims the name of God is actually serving God. Praise, worship and pray for His divine intervention as well as presence in your marriage.

As for your mother-in-law, don’t fight her because one day you too will become a mother-in-law to another woman. With the help of God, she would one day come to see things your way. Even if she doesn’t, it is immaterial provided you continue to accord her the respect she deserves as the mother of your husband.

Allow God the freedom to fight your battles in every way. Unbearable as your husband’s attitude may be, continue to honour him as your head and husband.

As for the other woman, you don’t have any business with her. Your husband is your main business and remains your crown.

Please be patient. It eventually wins the battle better than fighting or nagging. Some think it is an old fashioned virtue but it is a woman’s best weapon when things are going very wrong on the home front. Take it from me, it is old time wisdom that has never failed to achieve positive results on marital battle grounds.

Good luck