Her abroad lover only posts passion without any gift…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column and must commend your good work here. Do keep it going. I am actually writing on behalf of my friend who needs advice. But first I need to know this: must a guy be presenting a girl with gifts before he can be said to truly love the girl? Also, do you think that two people having a distant relationship may end up getting together in life some day? 

Well, my friend has this guy abroad whom she has not met before but has only seen through a picture. They have been talking on phone for over a year now. The guy says he loves her and she also feels she loves him too; obviously she misses him terribly and thinks of him all the time.  But what she doesn’t understand is why the guy has not bothered sending her anything at all since they started this distant date of theirs. She, however, says that the guy tells her he doesn’t have a well-paying job over there, is trying to survive and see a way to come back to the country so they would get married. But personally I feel that irrespective of how hard things are for a guy, he can just try to present the girlfriend with some gifts to show he cares really. 

Honestly, I do not know what advice to give to my friend as she visualises having a future together with this guy yet she complains that the guy has not sent her anything. On certain occasions, she pretended to the guy that she had no money and the guy told her that she should rather stop working so he would know that he is working for two of them now and would then start sending her money. Agatha, please how can you interpret this? Fine, the guy might be stingy but does that depict love in any sense?  And he goes on all day telling my friend that he loves her dearly and can’t wait to get back to be with her. 

My friend says the guy tells her that since they started talking, about 13 months now he has not met any other woman sexually because he loves and respects her. And he also asked God to give him the grace not to mess with any other woman whenever he finds one he wants to marry. Please, could you say that the guy is being honest here as a man?  Please, help me advise my friend as I want her to move on with her life rather than wait for this guy whom she feels she obviously loves. And she is worried as to whether the guy would be able to take care of her needs irrespective of the fact that she is able to take care of herself financially. 

Concerned Friend. 

Dear Concerned Friend, 

Three is always a crowd in any relationship. No matter how noble your intentions are continued interference in this relationship isn’t healthy at all. If care weren’t taken you would be ruining this relationship between your friend and this man. 

Step aside and allow both of them to make their mistakes. Also you must avoid a situation where you and your friend would quarrel over this matter. Yes, you have every right to be concerned but there are limits. Your friend is in love and from experience; it is the wrong time to try to convince anyone to be careful. Don’t discourage them. Allow them be. 

The danger of you insisting she leaves him may boomerang on your friendship. Overtime, she could begin to wonder and rightly too what your interest really is. You have told her your fears; allow her make her mistakes because it is through those mistakes she can learn to cope with life’s challenges. Your role as a friend is to be there for her always, not discouraging her from feeling love because irrespective of what you think, love happens in unexpected places and situations.

If both of them are able to manage the relationship and build the confidence to make it work it could. 

Doubtless distant relationship has its drawbacks but a lot depend on the couple involved. First they must have an understanding of each other as well as the risk of living apart especially for the man. Problems come when the couple lives on idealism, pretending that nothing can go wrong. The truth is couples that live apart face a lot of temptations in their relationships. Although those that live together too face the same challenges but the risk of extra marital affair is higher in distant relationships because there are days when the body chemical is too strong to resist. This is where commitment and sense of responsibility to one’s spouse comes in. This is also the point where trust plays a vital role. 

Both of them need to talk openly about this vital issue and she must have the trust to believe what he says. If he says he hasn’t slept with a woman since meeting her, until confronted with evidences, it is in her interest to trust him and give him all the encouragement he needs to be on the right track. When a woman refuses to have confidence in the words, she creates crisis for herself; sometimes as serious as the man forsaking whatever good intentions he has to make the woman happy. Until your friend is confronted with evidences of this man’s irresponsibility, it would be wrong to say he is telling lie. She has to learn to trust him on little things first. To distrust him is to call to questions the sanity of her feelings. 

At any rate, she knew this man lives abroad, must have put into consideration this salient fact before agreeing to a relationship with him. No matter how smart the man is, if she is able to get him whenever she calls, picks her calls no matter the time, she must learn to trust him a little bit. She can only worry when he is unable to pick her calls at a particular time, gives excuses for not picking her calls at odd hours, insists he does all the calling that she can suspect him of any thing. 

As for being stingy, it is a simple matter of what is important to your friend. In the first place, what is her motive for going into the relationship? If she is comfortable financially why is she lying about needing funds for something when she really doesn’t need it? Is her choice of this man based on the fact that he lives abroad? Before you can accuse this man of being miserly, there must be enough proof that he indeed has the money and is not ready to give her. 

Chances are that she may actually be better off financially than this man. The fact that he lives abroad doesn’t mean he automatically controls the vault of that nation. Relationship is also about understanding where the other person is coming from. That a man lavishes gift on his woman doesn’t mean he is in love with her. It could just be infatuation, lust or other emotion that isn’t love.  He could also be refusing to send money to find out if she indeed is in love with him or only interested in his money. Like it is difficult for you to trust him, he could also be suspicious of what your friend feels for him. 

Your friend has to decide what is important to her, his money or his trust and friendship? They are not talking about relationship here; they are thinking of a lifetime journey together. Hence the need for her to be careful about the values she plays up. If he is a struggling young man, honest enough to say he doesn’t have excess cash to throw around, she has to make up her mind whether this is good enough for her or not. If money is her motivation for this relationship, she shouldn’t pretend about it. From all indices, this man may not be her man but if her intention is to marry him out of love, she must learn from this early stage to make the required sacrifices to solidify the foundation they are both planning to put up. 

It is also imperative you step aside for this couple to fuse, make their mistakes and learn from these mistakes.

Good luck.

Linked on phone… stopped picking calls after my first visit

Dear Agatha,

I am a young girl of 23 years and a student of one of the Polytechnics in the East. There is this guy I met few months ago. I got his number from your column in the September 12 edition. He talked about being a virgin.  I became interested in him because I didn’t know a guy could be a virgin at the age of 25 and also a graduate. So I sent him an SMS and from there we started communicating. I love this guy so much that I call him almost everyday despite the fact that we were yet to meet physically. My love for him grew the more when I realised he resides in the East very close to where I live. We agreed on the need to meet and how. I promised to be the one to visit, he accepted. 

After the visit which I thought went successfully well, he hasn’t called me again.  Even when I call to know what the problem is, he won’t pick my calls. Even when I used another number to call him, he told me there is no problem that he is just busy. I know he is always busy, but not to the extent of not picking my calls. Did I make a mistake being the one to visit him first or are my calls disturbing him? Or does his attitude show that what he saw that day was not the kind of person he was expecting. Please help me, because I love this guy and do not want to lose him.

Shevchenko.

Dear Shevchenko,

You have gotten to that stage where you cannot afford to push harder than you have done already. You have shown your interest and willingness to begin something with him. Until he makes up his mind about you and what he wants, there is little or nothing you can do. 

Until then, manage your hurt and desires to be with him to prevent you from being hurt than you already are. To continue to push yourself into something he is apparently yet to make up his mind on is to set yourself up for a major disappointment as the days go by. 

Besides, you must allow him to get used to you, sort out his feelings for you as well make up his mind about what he wants from you. While you appear to be ahead of him in terms of your feelings towards him, he still wondering if he is doing the right thing. He could be confused about what to do especially if he hasn’t been intimate with a woman since he was born. Your coming though successful to you, may cause him some fright and cause him to think about his inexperience. Sincerely, for someone who dreadful of this lack of experience; you need to cool down a little bit in order not to suffocate him with attention or love. For now, he needs you more as a friend than anything you may have in mind. 

Friendship would help both of you define your relationship as well as give it the right foundation to stand firm. It will also enable him lose some of his inhibitions as well as relax where you are. He has to first learn to trust you and your motive in all these.

So allow him be, and be contented with playing the supportive role of a friend when he shows signs of wanting to talk to you. For now, it is his game not yours so allow him to dictate the tempo. You have given him all the encouragement for him to know you care. 

Good luck.