Tuesday, October 16, 2012

His insincerity got me out of our fruitless marriage

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Many thanks for your sincere and unbiased way of advice to the public. I am a great fan of yours and would like to use this medium to seek your sincere advice. I have been with my partner for seven years. We have had our ups and downs, sometimes necessitating us breaking up but we have survived it all up to this point. In all these years, I have never been pregnant. Expectedly, I have consulted so many fertility experts, gone through several tests and confirmed by all these doctors as medically fit to procreate. After each test I would be told to ask my husband do a semen test. On each occasion he has refused to do it, saying it is God that gives children, and that we should be prayerful since it is the enemy at work. At a point I had to plead with his friends to help me persuade him to go and see a doctor. He bluntly refused. In 2008, left with no choice, I went to report him to his uncle who agreed to have a talk with him. He eventually agreed to see a doctor. He was told he has a very low sperm count, the kind that cannot be rectified medically and that the only way we can be parents is to go for artificial insemination. The doctor after his examination and verdict asked him if he didn’t know about his condition since we are based in Europe. Although he declined knowledge of his medical condition but the whole incident brought something up in my memory. I remember he was always saying each time I pressure him on the need to consult a medical doctor on the issue of our infertility he would say, doctors are in the habit of finding faults whenever he goes for complete medical tests. I became convinced that he knew all along that he was the one with the problem. He didn’t display any emotions of surprise or discomfort, instead when we got home, he made himself a delicious meal, eat it all while I was down worry about the piece of news we have just been offered by the doctor. I was worried with how we were going to save up the money for the option we have, but he didn’t seem to care at all. Despite this and other issues, I still decided to stay with him and by June last year, he paid my bride price. Agatha, deep down in me, I’m a sad woman. Mostly he seeks advice from his friends and family members because, in his opinion, I don’t like him by refusing to tell him things he wants to hear. We have lost large sums of money due to his negligence. Mostly his family members are taking advantage of this to siphon money from him. Mostly, they tell him to send them money for one spiritual consultations or the other. They are forever telling him about different messages from various pastors. Sincerely, I am getting fed up of everything. I am in my mid 30s and don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple. In February this year we had a minor disagreement and he almost strangulate me. So I walked out of the marriage. He told his families and friends loads of lies about me but later started pleading when he knew I wasn’t going to bug. I kept our breakup from my family members because I consider it something of a shame. Besides I didn’t want people blaming me for my decision. Recently, I had to confide in my mother pleading with me to go back to my husband that marriage is for better and worse. Having given him so many chances in the past with the hope that he will change what he was I suppose to do? Agatha, was I wrong to have walk out of the marriage? Was it my fault? I can’t stop blaming myself. Please help me, PP. Dear PP, More often than not it is easier to blame others for our own faults and shortcoming. No matter the situation between the two of you now, you made the choice to marry him last year. This is not the typical situation where you would claim ignorance of his attitude and person. You lived with him for about six years before he paid your bride price last year. Therefore you went into this marriage with your eyes wide opened. From the moment you agreed to have him pay your bride price in June last year, you unwittingly entered into an agreement with yourself and God to abide with his manner of person. It would have been a different case entirely if you didn’t know anything about him; wasn’t aware of his medical problem, habit of consulting his family and friends on matters that should ideally remain between the two of you. You knew all about this and still decided to marry him. Violence doesn’t manifest in a day. There is no way you can say this is his first time of violating you physically. It must be one of the things you know about him. If you didn’t protest then why now? Has it got anything to do with your knowledge of his medical problem or the fact that he knew all along and hide the fact from you? Honestly, I feel for you but there are a lot of issues tied to this situation you must critically examine before taking a final decision. The first is the complexity of marriage. As boyfriend and girlfriend, he could tolerate certain things from you, even endure some of your verbal attacks but as your husband, he now expects something more than that from you. He may not be willing to let go of his excesses but as his woman, he expects you to show him more respect. He may live abroad but his roots are firmly entrenched in the customs and traditions of his people. So be careful and mindful what you say to him or how you react. If you really want this marriage to succeed, you just must learn to be the woman while he the man. It isn’t about what you have done for him but what you both have done for each other. This is the marriage creed. This is the time for you to be very, very honest with yourself. Since knowing about his medical problem, how have you felt? Betrayed? Disappointed? Angry? Frustrated? Helpless? Don’t be ashamed to express your feelings because all these are natural. Except you are out to deceive yourself, you have gone through all these emotions and back. You probably have lost every respect for him as a man considering the emotional pains he subjected you to going through all those dehumanising medical examinations when he knew the truth all the while. You are only human if you behave rudely to him, less sensitive to his needs and lacking in respect for him. What you are going through is enough to make one behave out of character especially a woman whose biological clock is daily grinding to a halt. Out of these pains, you could have said one or two things to him to make him feel useless as a man; those things we women say when we are angry can make a man with his condition angry enough to want to kill the woman. Are you sure you didn’t out of the bitterness and seemingly helplessness of your situation say something to remind him of his inability to father a child the normal way? I am not saying it was right of him to get violent, but if you pause, rewind to that incident, can you honestly say you were not the harbinger of what happened that day? Bear in mind that this is also a very difficult time for him. In your presence, he doesn’t feel like a man anymore. He is battling with inner challenges and fear too that you now have a very good reason to leave him should you want to. Though extremely wrong, like a drowning man, he feels it is the only way to assert his authority as the head of the home. The panacea to dealing with this kind of problem in a marriage is first to allow the anger and frustration a free reign to flow. Don’t bottle up what you feel at all. Cry, shout, and allow all your feelings to come in the open. There is no stopping a raging storm from happening. Before you can see clearly, discuss your options with him, allow yourself to divest all those pent-up emotions to avoid you snapping at the slightest thing. Going home and refusing to discuss the results of the tests as well as your observations that he knew all these while isn’t a panacea. Both of you need to talk about all your fears immediately. Your current disagreement is the right opportunity to come out clean with all your anger and emotions. Let them come out. From your mail, it is obvious your disappointment in this man didn’t start today. Go back to the beginning. Don’t use cosmetic approach to solve this problem rather, be very realistic because what you fail to deal with now will never allow both of you have the desired happiness in this marriage. There is too much resentment for this man in your heart. It is only after you have done this, that you both can collectively discuss the future of the marriage as well as the options available to you. In all these, don’t ever forget the place of God, hence the need for you both to pray as a couple for divine answers. Have you also tried investigating his claims that his problem is spiritual? Only a closer relationship with God can reveal the mystery of this. As the woman, it behooves you to stand in gap by asking God to lead you to where help is. If at the end of the day, it is purely medical, broaden your perspective by also considering adoption. Children, either biological or adopted are what we plant into them. As for the issue of whether to go back to him or not, it is your choice but think of all the years of you have been together, the sacrifices as well as the first time you met. There is no perfect person but perfect will to succeed. Make up your mind what is important to you in your life and allow God’s will to prevail. Good luck.

I don’t understand why he suspects me

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am a girl of 20 years of age and I started dating this guy at the age of 16. He taught me what love is and how to love. We love each other very much. I am so comfortable in the knowledge and power of his love that any other man that comes my way seems very irrelevant. I am of the firm belief that he is a divine gift from above to me. However, the problem is that we live in different parts of the country. I am in the eastern part of the country while, he stays in then northern part of the country. The distance between us always makes him suspicious of me. He thinks since we are not together, I am dating another person. My repeated assurances that being so much in love with him makes it impossible for me to love another man seem to fall on deaf ears. He is so unsure of me that when he calls me and hears another man’s voice even though the voice is that of my brother or male colleagues, he instantly becomes very suspicious and demands to know where I am and who I am with. He will also demand to know what I am doing with the male voice. I have tried to make him understand that I can’t love any other person, but he still doesn’t believe me. Please, I want you to help me sort this thing out, because even when I am telling him the truth, he still doubts me, what will I do to make him to trust me in everything? Onyi. Dear Onyi, Getting a suspicious partner to change a conceived opinion about the mate is one of the most challenging aspects in a relationship. Before you can change his mind, let’s’ look at what brought on those suspicions. Are these suspicions only as a result of your staying in different parts of the country? Or because you gave him reasons to be suspicious of you? There is a world of difference between you giving him reasons to suspect you and him being naturally suspicious. If he is naturally suspicious, you must try to prevent any situation that would make him more doubtful of you. The distance between you two can be narrowed by patience, understanding of his fears, loyalty to him and honesty in whatever you do. There is no way he can continue to suspect you if he has the assurances through your behaviour that you can be trusted. It is not just the verbal assurances that would make him believe you, it is all the other things which you haven’t been doing. I know how difficult it is to dispel the fears of a suspicious partner or to conduct a distant relationship for that matter. It is often not easy; it takes dedication, plenty of tolerance and understanding to get a suspicious partner to change. To understand his fears, ask him why he thinks you are being unfaithful to him. Although this type of discussion is best done person-to-person, not on the phone, but if the phone is the only alternative you have, ask him on the phone why he thinks you are cheating on him. Demand to know if you have given him any reason in the past to doubt you. It may not even be the way you relate to people around you but the way you warm up to him. Chances are if you have allowed him make love to you, you may have unwittingly given him the weapon to use against you. Having had access to your body, there is no way he would be convinced that you are also not giving the same privileges to another man. It is natural for him to suspect you of infidelity because in his mind, especially if he recalls the way you responded to his touches, there is no way he can trust you to stay away from the warmth of a male embrace. It is a very precarious situation, but you must find a way of convincing him of your undivided loyalty to him always. From experience, one way to do it is not to get angry when he starts suspecting you. Make light of the matter even if you are very angry and hurt by his constant suspicions. Reserve whatever comments you have on the matter until the time you will meet to trash it out thoroughly. The danger of responding angrily to him on the phone is the risk to the sustainability of the relationship. In growing a relationship, you have to factor suitability of certain situations or reactions to situations. Now that you two are still very dependent on the impersonal nature of telephone technology to sustain your relationship, it isn’t auspicious for you to argue too much to forestall the attendant stress that comes with keeping a free communication line between a couple who live apart. Furthermore, both of you have to make real attempts at growing your relationship to reflect your new experiences, wisdom and maturity. At 16, you hardly know what is expected of you or from a relationship. You are older. Your body chemistry and outlook have matured significantly between then and now. Your maturity, physical endowments and attitude may be so pronounced to attract a lot more attention than when he first met you. These may also be cause of concern and jealousy to him. He is afraid he may lose you to someone else, particularly as he is not around you to stamp his ownership on you. While you may not have control over the way he feels or a say in the way you are filing out, you definitely can help reduce his fears by constantly assuring him of your love. By not trying to deny the avalanche of attention you are getting from other men gives him the impression that you don’t have anything to hide and that you are responsible enough to know that whatever is attracting these men to you isn’t as important as keeping the one whose presence in your life means more to you. The type of company you keep too may implicate you. Who are your friends? What are the moral values they hold supreme? At 20, you would definitely have friends whose values may clash with yours. There is no way you can convince him of being responsible if you surround yourself with friends of questionable moral character. You may not be like them, but it would be hard to convince anybody who sees you constantly in their company that you are different. So be careful of the type of friends you keep since they can make or break you. Doubtless, he too may be influenced by his friends to constantly suspect you, the issue here is for you not to give him reasons to doubt you in anyway. Endeavour to be honest always. He may not appreciate, believe or trust you but by being focused and principled you will convince him of your worth someday. Good luck.

She’s wayward but I love her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I must commend you for the wisdom with which you solve people’s problems. Indeed you’re a blessing to your generation. I write to share the issues in my family with you because I know God will use your advice to salvage the damage done so far. I married my wife against the wishes of my brother, not because she is bad but because she has children from a previous relationship even though they were never married. I saw in her some qualities I needed in my kind of woman hence my desire to marry her. My wife is a wonderful woman no doubt; one that every man will like to have in his life but Agatha, poverty has made me see the other side of her. While I struggle to make ends meet, my wife on the other hand is doing well and I am proud of her. In-fact, the house we call our own was built by her. This I say because she bought the land, and she did majority of the work. I, on the other hand, took a loan from the office when she told me she bought a land; though small, but to support the wonderful ideas she brought about the house. The loan was only able to raise the structure to lintel level. She completed the house from that point. When we moved in, the house was still without windows, she struggled so hard to ensure we fixed windows as well as do some other finishing that has made it a befitting abode. Agatha, before now, I caught my wife with a man and I was so heartbroken because of the pains, I left her but she begged me and I forgave her but it didn’t stop there. My wife can’t leave her phone with me for a minute. Severally, I have seen love messages she sent and the ones she received but each time I confront her, she reminds me that I wasn’t doing anything for her and therefore cannot control her. In-fact we can’t sleep at night because of different phone calls from different men at odd hours; we have had several issues because of this. Sometime last month, she told me she would be on night duty (as a police officer), I didn’t object but each time my wife leaves the house, she hardly picks my calls and when she does, she is either asking why I am bothering her with calls or insulting me, before I even tell her the reason for my call. She will end the call and if I try calling back, she will put off the phone. This has continued for days. Even when I tell her I love her on phone she won’t respond. When she picks my call, she just answers ‘’hello’’ without the pet name she calls me when we are alone. Recently, one Sunday, I didn’t go to church as I was trying to weed around the house. She called at about 10 a.m. that she was on her way. Normally from where she said she was would take about 20 minutes to the house but my wife never returned until 2:05pm. I questioned her and told her I wasn’t ready for that kind of life. She told me she was in a women’s meeting.This was a blatant lie. I was so hurt I reported the issue to her brother who lives few flats away from us. He said he wasn’t unaware of his sister’s behaviour and that he won’t tolerate such from any woman. Her brother and a female cousin of hers came with me to meet with my wife. She refused to listen to them. She told them it was over between us and that I should move out of the house since she built it. Agatha, aside her wayward lifestyle, my wife is a good woman. There is nothing I don’t do for her except buy her expensive wrappers. I’m considering getting an apartment and moving out of the house since she insists on it. Ever since the issue came up, my wife has not been sleeping at home. Even before this incident, we didn’t have a sex life. Please tell me what to do because I’m so confused but something inside me tells me that prayer is the only solution but how do I continue to live with a woman I can’t trust? Is it my fault that I am poor even though we don’t beg for food? I don’t want divorce but what do I do? Desperate Husband. Dear Desperate Husband, The issues in your marriage didn’t start after you both got married; they have always been there but you were either blinded by your feelings for her to notice or by some other things you played up then. There are some women, no matter the qualities they may have, who will never be good wives. Any man who seeks to tame them through marriage risks emotional aches. There is no way you wouldn’t have noticed some of her conduct and attitude during your courtship days. How much does a Police Officer earn to give her the kind of money you claim she has? When you noticed her affluence, did you at anytime ask her how she was making the extra money? Did you at anytime challenge her to know if the money was coming from her salary or other sources? What steps did you take in addressing the numerous affairs you know she was having? Being poor doesn’t mean you should tolerate infidelity in your marriage. To be poor isn’t offensive but when a man is weak; his wife becomes the boss in the house. You gave your wife the opportunity to be wild through your own lack of effective control of your home. There are many women who though are breadwinners of the family, still remember their responsibilities to their husbands. If she hasn’t shared your bed for a while, then what kind of marriage do you have with her? For how long can you endure the humiliation of knowing what she is denying you, she is giving it freely to other men? You may want this marriage but from all indications, this woman is no longer interested in this marriage. She wants the freedom to come and go whenever she likes. She may have the qualities you want in a woman but the question, do you have the qualities to keep her married to you? It takes two to make a marriage work. If she doesn’t want it, has made up her mind to move forward, there is little you can do to keep her in your life. It is unfortunate and painful but you must learn to respect her wishes at least for now. Granted, there is nothing prayers cannot do, but God isn’t a magician. Your case requires more of sincerity on your part than prayers. You have to tell yourself certain basic truth concerning your reason for wanting to stay in a marriage with a woman you say is rude, disrespectful and wayward. Is the fact of her being financially better than you the reason you want to stay on in the marriage? Do you have the emotional stamina to endure the knowledge of her unfaithfulness? You need to be truthful at this important juncture in your marriage. This is because there are certain things prayers will never do. It has to come from either you or your wife. For instance, the decision to be faithful, responsible and respectful has to come from her. You may think you have the ability to cope with all the other men in her life but a time will come when her conduct will make you snap. There is a limit you will get when you will feel like ending it all. This is the time to avert the danger of you hurting her or yourself by facing the situation now as a man. We all come with certain defects from the manufacturer’s table. This includes making the wrong choice of a life partner. You are a man and men generally need their egos to be massaged at all times. Don’t be afraid to admit you didn’t factor so many things into your choice of a wife. Your pride should not deny you of the wisdom required to make the right choice in this matter. Until both of you are able to discuss as adults, pack out of her house because from all that you have said, she isn’t ready to listen to the voice of reason. Accept the fact that she wants her freedom now. If you are both meant to be, something will make her change to become the kind of woman you want but for now, reality demands you allow her go. It is sad but this is what your kind of situation demands. You also need to be a man of your own to be happy in life. Good luck.