Dear Agatha,
This year, I would be 32 years old.I grew up with a single parent, my father and I love each other passionately because he was the one that I grew up with.I never had that feeling of motherly love.I just knew there was a mother somewhere, who hardly come to see me even though her family members come once in a while.I appreciate those visits.
Even on visits to her family home, I never for once met my mother whom I was told lived somewhere in Bauchi State with her new family.However, we later met when I was in primary six and by then she had left her husband, the she marry after parted way with dad.
For reasons best known to her, she is always annoyed seeing me around her.Overtime, her parents persuaded her to get her own apartment so that she can live with her children since marriage is not working for her.
After only a few months, she wasn't coming home again, forcing us to relocate to our grandmother's.Following her attitude, her parents invited her to come for us.She came in company of another man pregnant.When she refused to take us along with her, her mother pounced on her and gave her beating of her life despite being pregnant.
When my father came and heard all that happened, he pleaded I stayed with my grandparents' to finish my JSS 1 before coming over to stay with him in his new base in Lagos.
After four years in Lagos, my father was transferred again to Ibadan.I was in SS1, so he handed me to his elder sister who had always been more of a mother to me.My mother was also informed by my father about his transfer as well as the arrangement he had in place for me.
I dropped out in my third year at the university due to lack of cash.I couldn't afford anything as my father fell to bad times.He was duped when he set up his own company.His condition really got to me, hence my lack of concentration as well as focus in school.I felt so bad because in the whole world he was the only one who cared about me.There was really nobody to run to.
Eventually I was able to get a good job that came with my own apartment.Being so young and all alone, my colleague close to my apartment were close to me, especially her mother.They wanted to know everything about me and my family, in case anything happen to me.
This woman eventually reconciled my mother and me.My mother introduced me to her new church, Mountain of Fire and Miracles Ministries.Overtime, I was able to forgive her and would often join her in prayers when she was having problems in her marriage.
Few months after our reconciliation, her mother died and I later brought the girl from her second man to live with me.I enrolled her in one of the best computer schools in Lagos Island and she later got married and now lives in Europe with her family.
One day I had a call from my mother that she and the husband were having serious problems and she was asked to leave the house.I tried to persuade her to stay on or go to the place of her husband's sister, which is closer to her than where I was.She got angry and asked if I was coming or not.Sensing pains in her voice, I drove to her house to a scene that was terrible.
I had no choice but to go with her since her husband refused to listen.Since she had nowhere to go, I was forced to take both her and the children home with me.The eldest one had to stay with his father while three other younger ones would stay with my mother.It wasn't convenient for me at all.
I had to rush to my fiancé's place to tell him about the development.Though he had been to Benin severally to visit my dad, he hadn't met my mother yet.Hence he was happy at the opportunity of meeting her.
With the support of my fiancé, my mother got a job while my fiancé provided the money to rent her a two bedroom flat.I also gave her money to settle down.
But to my greatest dismay, my mother has been going around friends and her family painting my man and black for an offence I am still trying to fathom.The situation got so bad that friends began to ask me why I was being so mean to my mother.Even my sister, who lives abroad called to ask why I failed to provide furnished flat for our mother.
A lot has happened but the most perplexing ones are the revelations by her pastor brother that my father wasn't really my father and that I have an evil mark that has made my marriage of six years childless.
Due to the harassment of hired assassins, which left my husband almost dead we had to relocate abroad.There are revelations that my mother is behind all my woes.Even my husband is beginning to show resentment for my person.We have been to many pastors all around the world for help, but they are all unanimous.They harp on us holding on to our faith as the only panacea out of the spiritual problems we found ourselves.My mother has been reported to have sworn that I would never be able to give birth to a child in my life.
My marital life is now devoid of all the jokes and laughter that characterised nascent stage marriage.I am fed up.
Princess.
Dear Princess,
The greatest spiritual battle in life is to fight one's own blood especially one's mother.It is a battle which only a firm faith in God as well as determination to remain on the path of justice can win for you.
Irrespective of how she treated you in the past, she remains your mother and has some spiritual powers over you.Every mother draws her spiritual strength over her child from carrying the baby in the mystery of her womb.Even where she didn't invest love and care, her powers over her child is strong.
For this reason, you must resist the urge to fight her.It isn't worth it because she would only end up doing you more harm than you already have.Your battle with your mother isn't only about your inability to bear a child, but also using your wisdom to buy your freedom from the bitterness of her heart.
From your story, her bitterness with you didn't start today.It goes to the day she discovered she was pregnant with you.Your presence in her life, though not of your own making denied her freedom, brought shame to her and caused some emotional and psychological set backs for her.Coming so early into her life, she holds the opinion that you short-changed her dreams.
Naturally, she is wrong to accuse you of all these things but when one is bitter and looking for a scapegoat, there is no reasoning with such a person.
Whatever happened between her and your father, she blamed and still blames you for it.In her heart, she holds you responsible for the mistakes her life has become; the number of marriages she has had to go through; the choices she was forced to make because of her history of being a used woman.You may not understand why she is blaming you given the fact that she made the choice to sleep with the man who eventually fathered you.When a woman has her dreams and trust shattered by a man, she lashes out bitterly at anything that reminds her of the man.You would always remind her of her nemesis.Nothing you say, do or give her would ever made up for the pains of her rejection by the man who fathered you.That both of them didn't marry shows that the feelings that prompted them to sleep together didn't run deep.Have you ever asked your father why he and your mother didn't end up marrying each other? Have you also asked him why he didn't remarry? His responses may give you clear clues to the reason for your mother's bitterness.
So it is a battle well beyond you, long before you were born.Therefore it isn't a battle some few moments of compassion would ever wipe away or make up for.
That you have succeeded beyond her dreams despite everything she did to make you suffer emotionally all that she suffered, only ups her bile against you.
Even if she is the most celebrated witch, running away from her isn't a solution.Being her first child, your destinies are interwoven.If anything happens to her today, you have a role to play.Yes, you tried your best but the moment you agreed to reconcile with her, you gave her new entry into your life.
It would not be so easy to get her out of it without some form of painful sacrifices.
She alleges you have abandoned her.Having gone the length you did with her, the wisest thing to do now is to come to some sorts of arrangement with her on her upkeep.If possible, come back to Nigeria to beg her and to tell her to pray for you.Ensure you go in the company of a person she cannot refuse his or her request.Even if you don't feel like crying, when you get to her, go on your knees, cry your heart out for mercy and tell her to forgive you of real and imagined offences committed against her.End up by asking her to pray for you as a mother.Tell her to wish you luck and happiness in life.
Tell her to pray that you have children of your own.
All these are to ensure that whatever curse or thing she has done to hurt you is reversed by her.Before going, embark on prayer and fasting for the mercy of God to go before you.Sometimes, it is not just simply a matter of faith but that of obtaining mercy.The difference between David and Saul is mercy.
What is most important now is God's mercy in helping you reach out to her wherever she is now could be the most bitter.Besides prayers, you know her material needs.Patronise her by acceding to her request for a well furnished house.What matter is for you to be happy, so make the sacrifices that go with having her kind for a mother? She is your cross; you must be wise on the proper technique of relating with her.
God isn't oblivious of what you are going through with her but for you to enter into your freedom this is the time for you to give unto Cesar what is his' and what is God's to Him.There are some enemies that will never die or vanish simply because we want them to; what we need is the mercy of God to scale through their mechanism with minimal pains.
And since we all suffer from the yoke of foundational problems, you need the mercy of God not to be a victim of her mistakes.For your sake, remove all bitterness from your heart.You don't need such burden in your quest for solution.
As for your pastor uncle, refrain from saying anything negative about your mother to him.The less you talk about her, the better for you.
God will teach you how to go about it.
Good luck.
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