She Dreams What I Consider Immature

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age. All the three relationships I have had never last beyond one year. All the women seem interested in is marriage only. They demand for marriage, I can’t promise them since I am only 21 years of age.

Besides, I feel that there is a difference between seeking a wife and friendship.

There is this girl I met on phone. We have known each other for a year now. Before we started, I told her about my past relationships. She therefore promised never to make the same mistake.

But last week her aunty and mother called me. I was too angry that I had to cut them off. I know I have hurt her, though I still love her, but she’s too forward. She seems not to understand that I am not ready for the type of commitment she is looking for now. She thinks I am a devil’s incarnate.

Victor.

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Dear Victor,

No matter how frustrated or irritated you were by the antics of your girlfriend, you shouldn’t have terminated the calls of her mother and aunty in such a rude manner. In the first place, you didn’t know why they called you or what they wanted. To assume they called you to discuss is rather presumptuous.

The fact that all the girls you have dated so far end up having the same problems with you shows that your problem is that of choice. What kind of girls are you dating? What are the similarities between all these girls? What are their age groups? What impression do you give them of yourself?

There is no way you would keep experiencing the same problem in all your relationships without you being a major factor. So look at your own mistakes. Can you recall anything you are doing wrong? Promises you are making which are giving these ladies the wrong impressions of you?

I am sure if you are honest, you will come to appreciate that just like love, it also takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

Yes, be my girlfriend is different from be my wife. This is the point most girls get it all wrong, but men must also understand that when they insist the girlfriend plays the role of a wife, they give the woman the room to dream big.

When the first thing a man demands from the woman he knows he has no intentions of marrying is free access to her body, there is nothing stopping that woman from wanting to be a wife since she is good enough to grace the man’s bed.

This is the complication most men bring on themselves and which I am sure is the reason all these girls are dreaming of becoming your wife.

If you are matured enough to sleep with them, you should be matured enough to handle the natural progress that comes from a man and woman having sex.

If you eliminate sex from the beginning of your relationships with these girls, they won’t make the mistake of expecting you to give the type of commitment you are not ready to offer.

Good luck.

She Harps On Reasons We Can’t Get Married

Dear Agatha,

I want to say a big thank you for the good job you are doing and the positive impact you are having on the numerous readers of your column. I can only pray that God will continue to bless you with more wisdom as well as strength to continue in your selfless service to humanity.

The problem confronting me has to do with my four-year-old relationship. I desired to marry my fiancée but things took a different turn when I suggested we stopped making love until we got married.

I expected her to be happy and support my suggestion but instead, she objected. She insisted it wasn’t right for me to take that decision all alone. She didn’t stop there. She also questioned my motive for such a decision.

To cap it all, she decided to terminate the relationship. She said she has found someone else that God says we are not meant for each other and so many things, I can’t repeat here.

Because of my love for her, I pleaded with her not to leave me and even went to the extent of sending my friends to beg her. She agreed to come back to me on the condition that we would resume lovemaking. I agreed and things were normal between us for two months after which she came up to say she is not happy, that she came back thinking that we could achieve the type of happiness we had before the break. She also said her father would not support our union.

Agatha, I do not understand her. I do not know whether my current state of unemployment is responsible for her behaviour. I plan to travel soon to either United Kingdom or Japan and come back to marry her. What do I do? Should I quit or continue? I am really tired of her behaviour. I have not dated any girl for the past four years since I started dating her. I have been faithful to her and I know she too has been faithful to me. She even told me she no longer has feelings for me. What she is doing to me is really painful. Please tell me what to do?

Chris.

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Dear Chris,

It is clear she no longer enjoys your company. You cannot continue to force her to feel what she no longer feels for you. It would only make you both unhappy and unfulfilled at the end of the day.

Hurtful as her attitude is, you should really be grateful she is not one of those girls that delight in two timings. No matter what her other faults are, at least she is very honest about her feelings.

If she didn’t complain about your lack of job all these while, it may not be the immediate reason she is behaving this way. Though could be a remote one.

Your decision to stop having sex with her threw up a lot of hidden problems that were hitherto buried in your relationship. First is the issue of sex. It is very apparent both of you don’t have same ideologies to life. While you appreciate, though belatedly, that sex is not necessary in a premarital relationship, she does not subscribe to such impression. She is one of the girls who thinks sex can he enjoyed at any point in time.

Your decision not to have sex any longer with her without first discussing your reasons before coming to a conclusion may also be a reason she is putting up this behaviour. Granted, your motives are commendable and gallant, but you forgot to carry her along in your decision thus failing to win her support for your intention. If you both had agreed from the very beginning to stay off sex, she wouldn’t have felt betrayed by your unilateral decision to change the game pattern. Try imaging she is the one changing the rules midway into the game, how would you feel?

Keeping and nurturing a relationship is one of the most complex things in life. What one party conceives as being in the interest of the other often turns out to be a big problem if not done with wisdom. Ordinarily she should commend you for the decision to discontinue sexual relationship with her until she becomes your wife. For respecting her enough to realise sex outside marriage is cheap and cheapens the woman most of all and for showing her that you do not need sex to demonstrate your love for her.

But she is not. Your good intention has turned soured and become a threat to your once wonderful relationship simply because you went about it wrongly. The inherent lesson here is to communicate and discuss your every thought with your partner, obtain his or her support before arriving at a conclusion. To assume the other would be smitten over with what in one of the party’s opinion is a wonderful decision is very wrong. This omission is the reason many relationships are running into muddy waters. Communication and dialogue are integral to conducting a successful relationship. Nobody likes to be taken for granted or played as inconsequential in any partnership. On this premise, you were really wrong and presumptuous to think she would jump at your decision. It smacks of arrogance.

Since she has refused to reason with you and has gone to say her father would never support your union, see this development as one of those divinely planned interventions intended to protect us from future pains and disappointments.

A woman or man who has dissimilar visions from that of his or her partner is best left to find another partner whose vision matches his or hers. You may temporarily feel pain and a sense of bereavement at the death of those dreams you hoped to share with her but look at the positive side, a chance to start all over again with a woman who would make you very happy and more importantly who shares your dream.

It could also emanate from your inability or refusal to get a job. She may be opposed to the idea of you travelling or does not see any viability in it. This coupled with your decision not to have sex with her may have brought to the fore her most hidden fears that she may completely lose your love if you travel out. She, like some women think men stay most faithful to women whom they are sexually committed to.

To avoid having similar problem in any new relationship, be direct and honest with the woman from the beginning. Share all your plans and dreams with her from the day you decide to go out with her. No matter how laudable an intention may be, don’t change the goalpost at the middle of the game without first discussing the reasons and need for it with your partner. Many people react with offence to being taken for granted in that manner. I am sure you too would react to being taken for granted in the manner you assumed she would celebrate your decision to discontinue sex with her.

To avoid being branded as an unserious man, don’t tarry too much on taking a definite decision on what you want in life. If travelling out is what you want, do so immediately or get a job and give yourself the necessary push that would elicit respect from that special woman in your life. No lady wants a man who seems unserious with his life.

However, be grateful to God for His mercies for allowing this to happen now instead of later when the pains of separation would be deeper and most painful to cope with.

Good luck.