Before high bride price wrecks our wedding

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Thank you very much for your response and advice to my 2009 letter. Since then, I have also been reading and guiding myself with those replies you give to other people on your column, thinking I might not really need to write to you on the same issue. Thank God I didn’t commit suicide while I was jobless and had nothing to feed on, as I hate begging.

I eventually got another job same month that I resumed school last year 2010 though not paying like the one lost, and I had to take care of the first session of my academic programme, suspending marriage plans. I couldn’t wait till I would recover fully financially, I still went ahead with my woman to her village to get details of her bride price and necessary marriage items to be presented. But this is costly for me, I told them I couldn’t afford it that they should reduce it but they said because I’m from a different tribe, that’s why I think it is outrageous. They insist it is part of their tradition and culture. Coming back to our base, this resulted in misunderstanding between my woman and I, because I don’t like starting what I know I can’t finish and she knows my present income as I spend money earned on the part time course, which is expensive.

I’m also trying to furnish my apartment and buy necessary things needed in the house, because if I don’t start now, it would be difficult later. Even some of my friends and family members invited my woman for a meeting so that she can talk to her people to reduce the bills but she said nothing could be done. This made me pause my marriage plans to face my studies fully.

After some months, she suggested a break-up, which I resisted because I was trying to see how I would raise some money, as I am expecting year 2011 to be favourable by God’s grace. Since I’m the determinant, knowing what I want, I told my family not to question her again over this, that I’ll look for money but I don’t want to be indebted too much. Even if I do, it should be what I can pay up after few months. So, I decided to see her family representative for the second time, telling him my stand: if they want us to proceed, we can still do something provided they also factor in my predicament and desire to conclude everything by the end of this year. He promised to relay my message to the rest of their family. It is after two months now they haven’t sent back a reply.

Sometimes, I nurse the thought of looking for an alternative woman in case this doesn’t work. I tried in my little way to make new friends or re-establishing a relationship with the few ladies I was interested in before I met her. But I always refrain myself from doing it in the last minute because this woman and I have been dating for several years.

I was in a dilemma when I met a lady of my tribe who’s ready for me, but I couldn’t talk seriously because of my current relationship. This is in addition to the fact that I don’t know her enough. I had to tell my woman to hasten up her family so that we can know the outcome of my request on time before I take another decision. So, I’m waiting for them. But deep down Agatha, I have the feelings that if I allow myself to get to know this new lady better, marrying her will be affordable for me because we’re even from the same state.

So, Agatha, what can you say to this thing happening to me?

S. Cool Man.


Dear Cool Man,

You have made all the attempts any man interested in marrying a woman should make. The ball is now in the court of this lady to make up her mind on whether she wants to marry you or not.

If she is really interested in marrying you, she should be able to moderate the decisions of her family to favour your situation. You have to make her realise that you cannot wait forever for her family members to make up their minds about you; that if they think you are incapable of looking after their daughter because of your current financial position, she should let you know.

There is no way she won’t know what her family thinks of you as well as why they are withholding their final blessings. If she had tried to mediate, pleaded with her parents to allow certain things go; they would have done something about the list.

But don’t lose hope yet. There is still something you can do to be sure of where the problem is really coming from. In addition to praying about your choice of a woman, do call her for a deep heart to heart discussion.

At this point, it is best to know where she stands on the whole issue. It is the right of her family to make whatever demands they want to, but her choice to go with them all the way or not. This is because, she is the one that would be most affected by the insistence of her family to collect everything on the list from you. Considering the number of years you have been together, she is the one that has to begin the search all over again.

A woman in love is often desperate and determined to have things her way. That your woman seems passive and willing to give her family all the freedom to determine how things are between the two of you is what is puzzling. For this simple reason, ensure you pray to be sure that what you want is what God also wants for both of you. If she is unwilling to intervene and appears ready to throw in the towel, don’t push it too much because God has a way of communicating His desires to His own. If God says she is yours, things would at the end of the day work out, but if she isn’t, there is little or nothing you can do to make her yours.

Good luck.