Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column. I pray that God will generously bless you for the encouragement you are giving to people, who are looking for solution to their problems.
I need your assistance.
It has to do with my cousin who has fallen in love with me. He picks quarrel with me whenever he sees me in the company of another man or takes calls from men. He is determined to take over my life, as he prefers my company to those of even his friends whom he has stopped socialising with. He even prefers my company to that of his parents and is forever willing to do everything to please me including getting me anything I desire.
Honestly, I didn’t suspect anything unusual about his special interest in me until December last year when we travelled one night and he told me about his feelings for me.
On that night, he told me about his feelings as well as his desire I never see another man again. He explained that he is a very jealous lover and would do anything to ensure I am happy. I also pledged my love for him.
But the problem is that we are first cousins. We kiss, romance as well as make love.
I am confused and don’t know how to handle this especially as we are cousins.
Confused Lover.
Dear Confused Lover,
First cousins? I know of certain cultures that permit distant cousins marrying but a marriage between first cousins isn’t very popular and in most cases is viewed as a serious taboo. Anybody who can sleep with his or her first cousin is seen to be capable of sleeping with his or her own brother or sister.
It is therefore important before you both go further than you have done already, you find out about the customs of your people to avoid the social and cultural implication of two first cousins sleeping together. For all I know, both of you could be engaged in an incestuous relationship, one capable of causing both of you spiritual problems both now as well as in the future.
If the custom of your people forbid it, in the interest of both of you, discontinue the relationship immediately and go for deliverance in the church.
When two people forbidden by the closeness of blood ties engage in a sexual relationship so many things do go wrong in their lives. It is a spiritual thing and curse. Such people, no matter how much they pretend all is well are never happy in the choice they made.
All religious laws have rules governing them and the law of incest as well as its implication is very clear. Those who have scorned the implications of these laws on the altar of love and self-righteousness are living lives of acute regret because it incest carries with it dangerous spiritual consequences beyond human comprehension.
The so-called love you think you share now will, after a while, be unable to withstand the combined scorn of the people and religious structures. This is one battle even God will not fight on your behalf so why go into something that will make you an all round outcast? An issue you cannot even approach God on for His intervention?
Love is meant to create happiness and not harbinger of regrets and sorrows. Of what use would this love be if it robs you and your man the right of free association and free worship? Condemns your children to a life of social doom even before they are born? What explanation would you give then for people discriminating against them or the stigma your own parents would suffer if the whole thing becomes public knowledge?
There is something called falling in love with responsibility. There is no way you can afford to be irresponsible with your feelings or insensitive to laid down norms and expect to be happy in such an arrangement.
When people pretend others don’t matter, they get treated too as inconsequential. There is no winning a lone war with the vast majority. Besides, of what use is a relationship you cannot openly admit to? Deep down, do you feel right about this? Can you publicly declare to people around you that your lover is your first cousin?
Most times, the illegal things are the things the body and mind crave for the most. You both think you are in love now because it is still a secret to the world. Once the knowledge becomes public, do you think it can stand the test of time?
Furthermore, it was very hasty for both of you to have gone the length you both did knowing the stiff opposition ahead once people know. If indeed your love were true and honest, you both would have thought of your individual parents as well as the larger family at the point you decided to make love.
That you didn’t think of those whose interests and lives would be affected by your decisions; shows both selfishness and recklessness.
It is in your joint interests you make public your relationship from this early stage to give you and your families the opportunity of addressing all attendant issues before pregnancy occurs or something more disastrous. It is also imperative you seek the face of God in this matter while you still have the chance to make amends.
Good luck.
Dear Mr. T,
Dear Mr. T,
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