At 38, she plans to marry man as old as her dad…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been urging my first daughter to bring a man home for marriage. She is almost 38. Although the most beautiful of my three daughters, she appears to be the one having the most difficulties in sustaining any relationship. Men come and go. I haven’t seen a man who has stayed with her for more than six months at most. Her two younger sisters are married and have children of their own. Severally, I have heard her crying in her room, but there is nothing I can do to help her beyond praying for her. Two years ago, her father tried matchmaking her with the son of his best friend who also is unmarried at 42. We thought it would work between the two of them, but were warned in the church not to allow them continue with the relationship. Our pastor said, the boy in question has a very short lifespan and our daughter would become widowed within a month after their marriage. They had no choice, but to go their different ways. The man got married to another lady early this year and nothing has happened to him. My daughter feels very bad about it. She thinks the pastor lied about the prophecy to make way for the daughter of his relation who the boy eventually got married to. Now she is dating a man who already has two wives and from all indices has made up her mind to marry him whether we are in support of her decision or not. The father and I have done everything to make her see reasons, but nothing we say appears to be having the right kind of effect on her anymore. How do I convince her not to marry this man who in addition to having two wives is almost of the same age with my husband. A friend of mine told me to go and appeal to the man to leave my daughter alone. I am actually considering going as soon as I hear from you. Please help me. Madam Alice. Dear Madam Alice, Frankly, in her current state of mind, there is nothing you say or do now that can make her change her mind. It would take the grace of God to stop her from continuing with her decision to marry this man. At 38 and with her younger sisters all married, she feels time is not on her side. The only man that was sufficiently interested in her and who would have married her was driven away by the prophecy of a pastor. In her shoes, how would you feel especially as no man has ever been around her for more than six months at a go? This isn’t time for you or her father to insist on her not marrying the man she has made up her mind to marry. Instead, adopt diplomacy in this matter. You need to understand her pains as well as disappointments. You as woman must appreciate that until this moment she had done everything you wanted and how her obedience to your wish as pronounced by the pastor has affected her. She cannot be happy seeing the man who wanted to marry her in the arms of another woman; the man she was told would die within a month of their marriage. It would have been a different matter if the man had truly died according to the sayings of the pastor, but that he has been married for sometime now and is still alive has really complicated things for you. You must understand that she is very bitter and has lost hope in everything you, her father, and the church represent. Having done everything your way until now, she feels it is time she does things her way. Even if you are not comfortable with her decision, learn to take each day as it comes. Being her mother, you know her better than anybody. It is this knowledge you must rely on to make her listen to you. But before you even try attempting to terminate her current relationship, what alternative do you have for her? It isn’t just enough asking her to drop this man, but you must be prepared to provide her with options. For instance, you could split them by asking your daughter to change location. Sending her abroad to start life afresh is one sacrifice you and your husband can consider. It would help you achieve your desire of stopping her from making the mistake of marrying a man who already has two wives as well as create a new environment for her to meet new people. It would also remove her from immediate scene of seeing this her ex-boyfriend and his wives. This way, she would heal faster than if she remained in Nigeria. In addition, you would still be able to preserve your relationship with your daughter. As it stands now, you risk losing her love and respect by your decision not to support her choice of a husband. Offering to sponsor her trip and stay abroad would help her realise that you mean well for her and that if you could change the world to make her happy, you would since have done it. If you cannot afford a European country, you and your husband can consider an African country. She actually needs a change of environment to remain emotionally stable. Going to this man would only complicate things for you in terms of your relationship with your daughter. It is your daughter you have business with not the man. Every man has the right to desire any woman; it is usually the job of the woman to say yes or not. He proposed to your daughter and she accepted. He has not done anything out of the ordinary. The fact that you don’t subscribe to polygamy doesn’t make it wrong or illegal. Your daughter would rightly feel you are interfering too much in her life. Don’t forget that at 38, she is an adult and who by right should be in her husband’s house making her decision. The fact that she is still single doesn’t mean you should not recognise her right to her decision. She really doesn’t need your consent to marry this man because it is her life and decision. The fact that she agreed to listen to you all these years is because she is a responsible lady. The way you talk to and tailor the life of a young woman in her 20s is different from a 38-year-old woman. Stop trying to live her life for her. Granted, you are her mother, but she is also an adult and knows what is good for her. If you want to intervene, it must be done with so much wisdom and caution. This is why you must give her positive alternatives to the choice she is about to make else you would be unwittingly pushing her to the very direction you don’t want her to go. As a mother, you also need to pray your daughter into happiness. One thing is to give her an alternative to her decision; another thing is for you to pray for her. There is no doubting that from your story, your first daughter has some spiritual challenges, which you as a mother isn’t paying too much attention to. If you don’t get on your knees fast, even if she goes there, things might not really work for her. It is time you moved out of your cocoon and seek the face of God on behalf of your daughter. Look back into your family, your husband’s family for clues into her problem. What is happening to her isn’t natural. Also, find out from her if she has offended any man in the past; one who swore to deal with her. You must find out where the leak is from to enable you know what your prayer points would be. She needs your help because this battle is beyond her. It is the reason all young girls pray to have their mothers alive. Cry to God for His help. It isn’t too late for her to find her missing rib. This is a step you have to take on your own. Fast and go on personal vigil for your daughter. If God wants you to seek the help of a pastor, He would direct you appropriately. You must first get rid of her spiritual dustbin before sending her abroad or talking to her. It is very important. Good luck.

Tired of playing second fiddle to his mother…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t like my husband’s family one bit. His mother is arrogant while his sisters are busybodies. I have done everything in my power to make my husband stop his family from coming to our home, but he remains adamant. He is the first and only son, so he feels a sense of responsibility to his family. According to him, his mother suffered to bring him and his three sisters up after his father died while he was still in primary school. He said his father’s second wife, who was in the car with his father when he met his untimely death remarried shortly after the incident, but his mother decided not to because of her children. He said the children of the second wife who remarried aren’t doing so well. And that the man she later hooked to did not allow her to bring in the children she got from her previous marriage. He has warned me to either learn to love his mother as my own or walk out of the marriage. The fact that he is willing to sacrifice our marriage and me to please his mother is so annoying. This is a woman who will come to the house without notice or any consideration for how I feel. Most times, she turns down my food on the grounds that she doesn’t eat too much pepper on account of ulcer she had when she was still struggling to bring up her children. The most irritating is that she treats my husband as a baby simply because she claims he reminds her of her late husband, and whenever she is around she insists on cooking his special meal. At times, my husband actually asks his mother or sisters to cook him this soup. Whenever he is ill, his sisters dot on him as if I am incapable of attending to him. They will begin to ask me some funny questions, as if I am incapable to attending to my own husband. And sometimes, when they are all together and discussing, they all go into a silent mode once I come in. Whenever I ask my husband why they do that, he says the issues are personal to his sisters and their homes. Agatha, am I not part of their family too? The sisters would rather wait to tell their problems to my husband rather than tell me who is a woman like them. What more, the sisters without permission from me, would come during the holidays to take the children away with them. As a matter of fact, my husband insisted the children would attend the school owned by his immediate younger sister. Even though the school is good, I felt bad that he didn’t factor what I want for my children into his decision. I also have siblings I would want my children to spend time with, but nobody cares to consider my feelings. His last sister in school never ceases to ask for money. I feel like a complete stranger in my home. I am fed up after 12 years in this marriage. I don’t like playing the second fiddle to his mother and sisters. I want my man to myself. Is it too much to ask? Patience. Dear Patience, Precisely what do you want your husband to do? Drive away the woman who gave up her own life to see her children through the most difficult times of their lives? The woman who risked hunger to ensure your husband is the success story he is today? Where would you be if she didn’t toil to make the man you married and father of your children, your dream man? Would you have married him if he were a delinquent or a never do well man? Would you have even looked his way, let alone marrying him? Before gold becomes the beautiful and precious ornament women and men spend so much on, a goldsmith has to endure the pains of intensive heat to make it attractive. Without the sacrifices of his mother, her determination to endure whatever life throws at her for the sake of her children, you will never have met him the way you did. For the simple reason that she was able to produce a man you fell in love with, with whom you have children and has been your soul mate for 12 years, appreciate this woman. Thank goodness you are a mother too, so you have first hand experience of the pains and joy that go into rearing children. Having successful children doesn’t begin and end with bringing them into the world, as you must have found out, it takes so much from the woman to ensure her children stand out. The simple fact that she trained four children without the help and support of a man means she went the extra mile, putting in more than the average woman, more than you are currently putting into the training of your children. How would you feel if the wife of your son tells him to stop you from coming to the house simply because she feels you are eating into her space? Every mother deserves to enjoy the years of her hard labour on her children. To deny your mother-in-law of her right is simply wickedness. No matter what you think she has done wrong, accord her the chance to benefit from all her years of toil. It couldn’t have been easy for her to single handedly bring up four successful children. Even if you don’t approve of everything she does, learn to appreciate her good point. This is because like you, she isn’t perfect. We are fallen angels, hence imperfect before our God and creator. What makes the world go round is the amount of sacrifices that one is willing to invest into it. How would you feel if your brother’s wife is treating your mother the same way you are dealing with your mother-in-law? Even if she is very wicked, your love for her son can make you overlook that aspect of her, after all she isn’t staying with you on permanent basis. And from what you have said, she hasn’t done anything that you should complain about. Cooking her son’s favourite soup isn’t out of place. And as a woman who has stayed in the family for 12 years, how come you haven’t mastered the act of cooking your husband’s special meal? A wise woman would have done so long ago to appease her husband when angry. The fact that you haven’t bothered to learn something your husband likes so much underscores your general attitude towards him and those things he likes. Therefore you are the one giving your mother-in-law the chance to invade your kitchen and home to cook for her son. If you were particular about the things your husband likes, she won’t be babying her son the way she does. Furthermore, if you have tried a little bit to act your role as the wife of their only brother, your sisters-in-law would have naturally tilted to you when in trouble. Being the wife of their only brother and knowing that one day their mother would be no more, you would have been their natural choice of a confidant. Check what you are doing that is wrong with a view of making amends. Frankly, the women in this family aren’t the problem, but you. There is obviously something troubling you that you are yet to come out in the open with. Whatever it is, allow it go if you desire peace in your marriage. If they wanted you out, they would have done so since. The fact that they go about their businesses without making life difficult for you is proof that they don’t have any fundamental issue with you beyond the normal differences people have about each other. For instance, there is no big deal if your husband insists on sending his children to his sister’s school as long as the standard is good, a fact you readily admits to. Don’t forget the four of them have been through a lot and their experiences have made them so close. Any attempt by you to come between them would boomerang on you, because of all the years of being alone with their mother. He is their only son and brother, so his children are the true representatives of their family. If she isn’t complaining, why should you bother? And if you want your children to spend some time with your own family members, rather than act rudely, why not discuss your preferences with your sisters-in-law? After 12 years, you should have a kind of relationship with them that makes it easy for you and them to discuss as freely as possible. Issues like this are what new wives complain about, not a woman who has spent over a decade in her husband’s house. You should have long gone past the issues you are playing up by now. Just perish the thoughts; you cannot have this man to yourself. He is not just your husband, but their father as well. Learn to share him with his family. Good luck.

Caught my hubby pants down with his best friend…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband and I are both pastors. We have been together for five years, while our marriage is nine years old. We are both quite successful. We both hold bank jobs and are both managers. For this reason we hardly get to see, because by the time he is back, I may still be in the office or he is still at work when I am home. And on Sunday, we are always busy with one religious activity or the other. Since meeting him, the only friend I have known him with, his roommate and best friend, has been his only companion. Despite concerns from friends and family members, over the little time my husband and I spend together, I wasn’t worried about him dating another woman. He was committed to me despite feeble complains he sometimes make about my long hours away from home and him whenever he is on leave. It was the least of my problems and a testimony of how much trust I had in my husband. Besides, we are very good friends making the envy of all those close to us. All the years we dated, I never caught him with another woman. I was really very secured in our relationship until I came back home unexpectedly one day to find him and his best friend right in the middle of my sitting room making love. How was I to know that my husband is bi-sexual? Since catching them in the act, he has been everywhere begging me to understand, that though he married me against his nature he has come to love me in his own way and willing to make the marriage work. This is one issue I cannot discuss with my mother or any member of my family. How do I handle this? There is no way I can continue with him, knowing what he is into. But what excuse do I give the church and my children? The past five weeks have been traumatic for me. I have never experienced this kind of issue before. I have heard stories like this, but never dreamt it could happen to me. Who do I turn to? Who do I tell my story? What do I tell the world about the real issues in my marriage? I used to think I had the best marriage in the world, but as it is now I don’t even know the nature of the person I married. I am so confused now. My confusion is so profound that I am even yet to feel the pains of all that is happening to me. I can’t even bring myself to explain to my friends the reason I am living in a hotel room with my children. What do I do? Even if I can bear the thoughts of going back to him, how do I handle his friend? To cap it all, I just discovered I am 10 weeks gone. Please, Agatha, help me the best way you can. You are my only source of hope now. Idowu. Dear Idowu, Until you attain an emotional equilibrium, take sometime off and travel out of town. You need a place to think and sort out your feelings for your husband and home. If I tell you your story is strange, then I am telling a huge lie. Strange things are happening in our contemporary world, something that never was in the old days. If couples are to react to these strange things the way they come, the marriage institution will simply vanish one day. Many couples are coping with very strange things and making tremendous sacrifices these days to keep their marriages. I appreciate the shock and confusion now lacing your life. No woman would remain sober on discovering her rival is a man – the friend of the family she has come to trust. The truth is that if you had been more observant, you would have noticed long before now that there was an unusual closeness between your husband and his best friend. Honestly, there is no way you can be rational or logical given how you feel and the amount of emotional pains you are going through. You need time first to unclog. The best way to begin is to be truthful to yourself. In what ways did you contribute to this problem? Doubtless, he was into this long before you met him, but don’t you think you could have helped in weaning him if you had shown more devotion to him, spent more time with him? The fact that you had a happy marriage with him points to your hidden power to wrestle him from this habit. Your constant absence from home could have kept the other man in his life. No matter how discrete they were, having you around him would have watered down significantly the amount of time available to him and the other man to be together. Whoever the sex of a woman’s rival is, a married woman must never leave her husband alone as you left yours. Absurd as this may sound, the issue here is, would you have taken him back if he was having an affair with a woman? Or is your anger based on your rival being a man? Like I said, a lot of things are happening in marriages these days, so reality demands candidness in resolving the issues. Remember this is your marriage and life. While other women may simply take the exit door, you don’t have to if you think you have the strength to weather and calm the storm. The real challenge in broken homes isn’t the now, but the later. Life is a funny mix. The reasons of today may not be too good later, which is why a lot of caution and tolerance have to be put into any decision such as the one you are about to make. In asking yourself your own mistakes, you equip yourself with the room to negotiate so many things. For instance in your nine-year-old marriage, what are the things you would miss most, those things peculiar to him which you know no other man can give you? If this hadn’t happened, how would you describe him as a person or husband? In the main, how has his sexual preference affected your relationship with him? If you didn’t catch him, would you have known his ‘girlfriend’ is a man? During all those time you didn’t know, did it affect your sexual life or quality of your time with him? Did he at anytime deprive you of his time, attention or presence when you craved and demanded for it? As a lover, how would you score him? These are issues if not properly handled will come back to haunt you later in life. Be sure, whatever you do is based on reason and not sentiment. Don’t do something you will later on regret or ask yourself why you did it. Unless of course you are determined to weather the storm of life on your own, the next man may not really be different from the one you are leaving. These days, both men and women are acquiring some very strange habits, things unheard of before now. The face as you must have found out is a fine mask to hide the bizarre. The fact that you have children and pregnant for him means leaving him doesn’t stop him from being part of your life. We get to a stage in life when we just have to deal with what it offers us instead of running away. Remember he remains the father of your children, hence a limit to what you can say about him or your marriage else you destroy your children in the process. The strength of everyman and home is the woman. What if your daughter-in-law comes to announce to you that your son is bisexual, will you ask her to leave him? Life is not about its beginning and the end, it is the in-between challenges we encounter that matter the most. And, as a pastor, will you tell your female member with this kind of challenge to end her marriage? Your duty would be to encourage her to pray her husband out of it, isn’t it? God does have a way of making His servants pass through situations they liberally tell people to pray over. So what is stopping you from doing same thing? Who says you cannot pray your husband out of this habit? After all, he started it on one day, so he can stop it on another day. Your responsibility as a pastor goes beyond you, it extends to all those God has given you to pastor. There is no escaping the desires of God in one’s life. Pray to God to help you focus on what is right and not what is important at the end of the day. He that has called you has the ability and power to remove those things, you are worried about now, from your marriage. So turn to Him for hope and solutions. Every marriage has its cross and sacrifices. God is your strength, so hold on to Him. Good luck.

I’m madly in love with my teacher

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a 17-year-old boy in SS2. Since October last year, I have been in love with my English teacher. She is so beautiful and intelligent. Her skin is so beautiful that I spend hours fantasising her. I always find myself starring at her endlessly in the class as well as find all sorts of funny excuses to get her to notice me through questions. To ensure I get her attention, I go out of my way to study her subject making her best. Since every teacher is proud of a good student, she warms up each time I stand to ask or answer a question. These days I find myself comparing her beauty with that of my girlfriend. As a result, I have asked my girlfriend to go. The nights are the worse as she is always in my dream. I have had several wet nights because of her. This is becoming embarrassing. My elder brother recently came back from school and discovered that I am having wet nights because of her. He says I always call out her name in my dreams. When I told him who she is, he said I should forget it for my sake. She is the reason I come to class and school. Forgetting about her is like telling me to forget myself. I love her more than anything else in the world. My question is should I ignore my brother and go ahead with my decision to approach her? What I feel for her is too strong for me to ignore. She maybe older than me, but I am a man who is in love with her. Please help me. I am willing to be her slave if only she will say yes to me. Besides, I think she likes me because anytime I am not in class, she asks after me and is forever smiling when she asks me questions. This is why I think I should approach her. Agatha, I am very worried about my wet dreams because my mother who comes to check on us at times may find out my secret and report to my father. Lekan. Dear Lekan, You still have a long way to go in life to bother yourself so seriously with issues concerning women. At your age, a lot of women will still come and go in your life until you settle down. Besides, this isn’t the kind of thing you should be thinking at your age. This is the time you concentrate on studying and passing your examinations. At 17, there is nothing as important as this. The woman you are lusting after has done her bit which is why she is able to be your teacher. Without education, you will amount to nothing in life. Sentimental feelings do not sustain in life. As a man, you owe it more to yourself than anybody else, to become a success story. I appreciate that at 17, your hormones are still too strong for you to overcome, but the fact remains that you need to put them under some sort of control else you will end up being embarrassed. You must understand that you have too much going inside your head and body; some so strange you don’t even know where they are coming from. What is happening now in your life is a typical case of you not knowing what is wrong. If it would help, over 70 per cent of men have gone through similar teenage crushes. You will overtime outgrow this. It simply shows that you are a very normal male but like your brother suggested, you must forget it to avoid getting into trouble with the woman or your school authority. As a teacher, it is her duty to be concerned when her best student is absent from class. You give her joy as a student so the least is for her to encourage you through smiles and special attention. You make her work worth its while. And if you really like her, you should concentrate on making the best results, at least if not for yourself but for this woman you have come to really like. Consider passing your examinations in flying colours as your special gift to her. Not only will you make her happy, but you will at the end of the day be proud of what you have been able to do for yourself in life. This is one way to show her that you are responsible as well as a one with a very sound ambition to make it in life. There is really nothing stopping you once you have graduated from coming to ask her out if she is still single. At least education and success would have in some ways bridge the age differences. But until then keep your feelings to yourself. The best way to treat what you feel is to fight it. Stop thinking about her because the more you think about her, the more your body expresses a wish to conquer her. The best way is to have a new focus for yourself. Think of what you want to be in future; think of the consequences of failing and the implication it would have on your for life. It is a reality pill that will help you concentrate on passing your examinations. You must try to fight it to avoid giving yourself a complex where women are concerned. One day, trust me, you will ask yourself whatever it was you found so attractive about her when you are much older.

Claiming another man’s child, my undoing

With Agatha Edo,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, About 22 years ago, I agreed to marry my wife despite knowing she was pregnant for another man. When I met with her again after two years of living abroad, she was having issues with the man over his readiness to marry her immediately. She wanted him to marry before the pregnancy became obvious while he didn’t think he was prepared for it, although he didn’t deny being responsible for the pregnancy. It was while they were arguing over this that I came back from the United Kingdom. She and I had been friends before I left. It was while I was away she met this other man. Since doctors in England had ruled out my being able to father a child, I persuaded her to pass off the pregnancy as mine. It wasn’t so difficult since she was already having issues with the father of the child. Besides, she stood to gain more as my wife. I immediately put all plans in motion to marry her. Although the man and members of his family came to protest and claim the pregnancy; I and my wife denied them. My wife denied ever being pregnant for him. She told him, she was only testing him and that he failed when he said he wasn’t prepared to marry. I practically pushed the man out when he came to my house and even got the police to arrest them for disturbing my peace. Although he swore something would make me and my woman come looking for them if the pregnancy was indeed his; I ignored him. Twenty-two years down the road, something terrible has happened. Immediately after the child’s graduation, actually at his graduation party, my son ran mad. We had to bring him home when his friends called from England to inform the mother and I of the incident. Since then we have done everything humanly possible to make him regain his mental state of mind but nothing is working. If anything, he is getting worse. Recently, the mother went spiritual. At the different places she visited, she was told that until she returns the child to his biological family, we will not know any peace. The worst, they say, is yet to happen. According to them, I will end up losing my wealth if I insist on keeping this child. Already my wife has started developing signs of mental illness herself. A few days ago, she spent all day talking to herself; things that don’t make sense to me. At other times, she would be begging for forgiveness from people I can’t see. I am running out of my mind. I don’t know what to do at all. Even if I want to return the boy, he is all I have got. What do I tell my family members? Who will be my heir and won’t it expose me to the world? In addition, I don’t even know how to locate the man and his parents. I have invested too much in that boy to hand him over to anybody. If he were with them, they wouldn’t have been able to give him the kind of life I have given him. Is there any other way out? Can this situation be remedied? Please help me, Agatha. Bashy. Dear Bashy, All these could have been avoided in the first place. It was wrong for you to deny the father and his family the right to this child. It would have been a different thing if the father denied paternity of it when the mother informed him of her state. What he did was only to protest his readiness at the time to marry her, not that he wasn’t responsible for the child. It was wrong asking her to marry you when you knew she was already pregnant for another man. Although your wife acted with greed by agreeing to pass off another man’s child as yours, as the man you ought to have known better. In this other man’s shoes, how would you have felt, knowing that your first fruit in life is with another man? What you did is equal to killing him while still alive. Since you knew the fraud you and your wife had committed, you shouldn’t have treated his family especially his father when he came to see you with disdain. Forcing him out of your house when deep down you knew you stole something so precious from them was adding to the consequences of your act. Not only did you steal from them but also humiliated the entire family with both your money and influence. Even if this other man and his family didn’t take any steps to retaliate, God who sent that child into that family and who hates injustice in whatever form, would certainly do something to ensure nobody re-orders his original plans for that boy. Allowing you to train him was for a purpose. His family may not have your kind of money to give him the opportunities your money gave him but the fact remains he belongs to another man, not you. Rich or poor, he is the child of his father, his first born and son. To steal him away from them on account of being rich is wrong. That you are unable to impregnate a woman isn’t an excuse at all. You could easily have adopted a child who has no family to claim it. Had you done that, you would have avoided all these. Besides, why should what people think of you matter? The important thing in life is to stand on the side of God always. Doubtless children are a special gift from God but when they don’t come, God has also provided alternatives in abandoned babies and orphans. These children are meant to be loved and cared for. If you were so bothered about what people would say, all you should have done was to send your wife and the adopted baby outside the country to mask the history of the child. No matter what it will cost you in terms of pride and money, please do everything possible to locate the father of the child to plead for forgiveness. Once one is determined, there is no situation that cannot be resolved. You invested in his future because you wanted to not because the boy’s father or family asked you to. So you have only yourself to blame. When your wife calms down, ask her what the name of the man is as well as the village he comes from. She will know. There is no way she won’t know because if she is truthful to herself, she knows a day like this would come; when the father will come to ask for his son. The day is now. Once she tells you, don’t delay in erasing the mistake of the past. Since the child is not mentally healthy to handle the information, go to the family. I am positive once they are informed, whatever is responsible for the mental state of the child will become a thing of the past. It isn’t too late to adopt a child of your own. Besides, since this child has lived with you since birth, he will never forget you. At the end of the day, your efforts on him will always speak for you. After all, he is your wife’s son so, will never be away from your life. You will only enjoy him if he is healthy. Help him get better first before thinking of your own challenges. Good luck.

He’s too wretched to be my man…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, The man I love with all my heart, who fits into my dream of the perfect man is unfortunately very poor. Since meeting him at my friend’s party, I have found him to be very caring, sensitive, attentive and full of wisdom. He is the kind of man I would love to live the rest of my life with, whose children I would love to have. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the kind of money that would keep me satisfied and faithful to him. I am too much of my mother’s daughter to be contented with living with a man who lacks money to keep me in the kind of comfort I have become used to. When I tried looking for him recently, I discovered that he lives in a very bad side of Badiya at Ijora. I honestly couldn’t bring myself to step out of my car so sent for him to come outside even though he had called to say he had malaria. I knew he was struggling, despite being a graduate of English Language but didn’t know it was that bad. My current boyfriend on the other hand is mean. Though he gives me money, but he doesn’t have time for me, and whenever I complain he beats me up. I am still with him because he has the kind of money that keeps my mother and family happy. He has the kind of money that maintains the lifestyle my mother and elder sister exposed me to since I was 18. At 28, I cannot manage with a man, don’t even know how. I only date men who have the money, I really don’t care what they look like, how many they are, how they got the money or who they are, provided my bank account is healthy and they are ready to send me to any part of the world. I have never been in love I used to scoff at those friends of mine who talk about love. For the first time, I know what it is to be in love and really respect a man, but he is too poor for me. Even if I want to close my eyes to this fact, I simply cannot present him to my mother. She will never approve of the relationship given what she has put into ensuring she buys our current position in the society. I am so confused. I don’t know if I should go the unfamiliar road of love and poverty or stay on the road my mother has taught me. I am so confused. Korede. Dear Korede, At 28, you are old enough to know what you want from life. Your mother has done her bit. She is living her life the way that pleases her and makes her happy. The issue here is, are you happy with the choice she has made for you? Several years down the road, do you think you will be happy with the kind of choices you have made? I don’t know the kind of choices she has made for you but from the glide of your story, the kind of life she has chosen for you have its repercussion. Just as you have started to notice, men end up not having that kind of respect a woman deserves when they know money is the major interest a woman has in them. The men you have come across in your life, your mother has introduced you to, are aware that without money you will never be interested in them. These men are very aware that money and not them is what you want from them, hence don’t feel compassion when they maltreat you, knowing that the power of money is such you will always come back for more. Men hardly treat a woman who is after their money with respect. As a matter of fact many of them treat such women with contempt and dishonour. They take pride in exhibiting the power of the money they have. If a man you are not married to takes pleasure in beating you, how do you think he would treat you when and if he marries you? To every man that you sleep with now, you are a piece of furniture, hence at liberty to move or treat you anyhow. One way you can help yourself out of this confusion maze is to ask yourself these important questions: are you really happy doing what you do? Don’t you ever wish for a man who will love, treat you with respect, honour your body and mind? Do you see any of these men in your life, the kind your mother approves of asking for your hand in marriage? Do you think if you were the last woman in the world they would ever consider marrying you? Can you tell the world, this man how you and your mother came about your wealth? And what makes you think, he will want you too after knowing how your mother made the money that has brought class and wealth? That your mother is willing to go to the extent she went to make money means what you brand as poverty isn’t a strange word in your family history. You obviously come from a very abject background too. If by crook or foul means, you and your family have become rich, nothing stops this new man in your life from erasing his poverty records. Besides, he doesn’t have to do anything decadent to make it. All he needs is a stroke of good luck, the kind your numerous contacts can provide him to get a good job. This is the reason you must think again about this man. Granted he may be poor, but at least he has dignity unlike you who cannot openly declare your trade or source of family fortune. The truth is if you really care about this man, you will find ways of helping to polish him up. In addition to using your contacts to help find him a job, you can after listening to his idea of improving his future, set him up. There are a countless number of women in your shoes who have helped pulled men they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with out of the kind of situation of your man. The important thing is that you both love each other. This is what you should find out from him. Let him know what you do for a living first and how you are willing to change for him. Also prepare him for the social snub that your mother is and how for now you may not want him to meet her until much later. The reason you must come out of your shadows to unveil yourself is for the truth to prevail, help establish your relationship on the foundation of truth and trust. Since you have never been in love, don’t know how it feels and have been a tool in the manipulative hands of your mother, it is essential your man is aware of your story. It is the only way he can really help you when the blast come from your mother and sister. Without procuring his trust, it would be difficult for you on all fronts because you have become too established in your kind of life to fight your family on your own. The important thing here is that you are in love. Whether it will work or not is not as important as experiencing this side of life. It is what gives hope and warmth. Money is only a means to an end, it isn’t the end, doesn’t procure happiness, and if not properly pursued brings shame instead of prestige. Despite everything that has happened to you, God is bringing this man to teach you an important lesson in life, that love is what makes the world beautiful and happy for us. It gives life beautiful and golden hues that outshine the darkest or difficult sides of life. You won’t know what love is unless you try it. Your mother doesn’t have to know now. Since established and rich men are her flavour, rent a presentable apartment for your man. Begin small. He just may be waiting for a special woman to push him to his glory. By offering encouraging words, you would be helping him in no small way to achieve his purpose on earth. Don’t make the mistake of anchoring your happiness on what your mother wants. You will end up regretting that later in life. The only ingredients you need in this relationship are love and trust. Trust your heart and follow your mind to become happy. At 28, you don’t really have too much time like you had a decade ago. Good luck.

To my chagrin, she trimmed off her curves…

Dear Agatha, I am no longer comfortable with my wife, and this is affecting our marriage. My wife used to have plumped side. It was one of the things I fell in love with her. She typified the traditional African woman, who has the curves in the right places. She didn’t add too much after our two children. At any rate, I wouldn’t have noticed, because I was really crazy about her shape. I also didn’t hide this from her. When some of her friends were harping on slim, being the in thing now, I warned her not to follow the trend. And I assured her she wasn’t fat, but just right for an ideal woman. Unfortunately, she seems not to believe me, because sometimes last year she enrolled in gym. She told me it was to maintain her figure. I grudgingly allowed her to continue, but warned her against being slim. Now I can hardly recognise the woman I married, as she is now all bone. When I protested, she said it was the in thing among her friends. And that she doesn’t want to lose her husband. I reminded her that she doesn’t have problems with me on that score that I want her the way she was. The issue now is that I don’t want her anymore. I want her out of my life, because she is beginning to irritate me. I no longer derive pleasure in her company. Much as I love her, I am no longer happy with her and very hurt by the fact that she preferred what her friends’ husbands think than what I feel about her. I don’t know what to do, because we had a very happy marriage. She knows I have never liked skinny women. She has started to complain about my lack of interest in her, but there is no way I can ever be as close to her again in her present shape. I am really trying hard not to loathe her, because once I get to that point, there will be nothing more for me in the marriage. Please help me. I don’t know how to handle this challenge in my marriage of 12 years. Vincent. Dear Vincent, Since she is refusing to listen to you, she will listen to the friends she is copying. Report her to her friends, especially the ones you know are very responsible that would tell her the truth, tell them exactly what you have told me. Let them understand exactly how you feel about their friend’s disregard of your feelings as well as your intentions to end the marriage. Even if you don’t have that intention, letting it drop that you are actually contemplating ending it on account of her disobedience and the fact that you are no longer happy with her decision to alter her shape from what you like. This information that you are thinking of ending the marriage will no doubt make her think twice about what is important to her. No woman would want to throw away 12 years of a happy marriage for the vanity of her looks. Doubtless these friends would gather to talk sense into her head. When the chips are down, there is no contesting the fact she knows the side her bread is most buttered. To force her hands the more, you could for a week or so play truancy from home. You could stay with a close friend or stay longer than necessary to give the impression that you are with someone else. Ensure, at a particular time, you switch off your phone or allow it to ring endlessly. When you get home, tell her not to bother with food. No woman can withstand being ignored by her husband, who is coming late, refusing to answer his calls, and not eating her food. Nothing will communicate your displeasure with her clearer than this. She will be looking for ways of getting you to look her way, change your mind towards her. Once she gets to this point, open up and let her know how pained you are that she considers the opinion of her friends’ husbands more than yours. Every marriage has its low and highpoint. However, this development shows that your marriage isn’t as sound as it appears. Use this opportunity to listen to her also. Ask her what her problems are with the marriage. A good marriage is about harmonising your views and interests. For your happiness to be complete, you must also make out time to hear her out. Don’t forget she is the one with the body. You may like it and she doesn’t. It is a matter of meeting each other at a reasonable point. By deploying love, prayers, understanding and tolerance, you will achieve so much in this marriage. Good luck.

Re: He left to England after our wedding ten years ago

Dear Agatha, God bless you for the good work you are doing in this forum. This is to make a contribution to the above topic. You rightly told the lady that she has wasted too much time waiting for a man that does not intend to show up, thereby keeping her life at a standstill. My advise to the lady is to find her way out of the marriage and move on with her life. At 40, even if she has a challenge getting married, she could still have a child of her own. I say this because I have seen this scenario thrice with relations and friends. To explain what is going on, the men in question already have families abroad. Most likely, they are married to foreigners. And in reacting to pressure from home to marry a Nigerian, they come home and marry to please their people. In one of the cases I mentioned above, the man wanted someone to look after his sick mother. The wickedness of the whole thing is that they do not consider the life of the lady that is wasted. They capitalise on the craze of our ladies to go abroad. In the first of the three cases I mentioned above, the man kept on telling the lady he could not come home and she could not join him due to his immigration status. When eventually, the lady was able to get to the man’s base with help from her own brothers, she found the man very happily married without any intention of disrupting his marriage. Unfortunately for her, at this time, she was already nearing menopause and so has no children to show for the many years she had been ‘married.’ In the second case, the lady was very smart and determined early enough that the man only wanted a glorified house-help for his mother. She quickly ended the marriage after a few years and re-married. At the last count, she had four children of her own with her new husband. The third lady refused to believe the obvious. The man had asked her to resign her lucrative job in Lagos and relocate to the East to live with his sick mother. When she protested, he labelled her a disobedient wife. To please her husband, she agreed. She realised what was going on when sadly, her mother-in-law died. After the burial, her husband never showed up again and stopped sending her anything even though she was lucky to have had a daughter. After more than 15 years, when the man died, she could not decide whether she had been married or not and whether she was his widow or not. She was lucky she had her daughter who is now an undergraduate as the only outcome of that ugly phase in her life. In conclusion, much as our ladies will continue to crave for foreign husbands and be lured with the prospect of going abroad, there is a need to be very careful. They should set targets with the men before they go back to their base. A word is enough for the wise. Chinyere

She’s married to a ghost…

Dear Agatha, Though this story is a very sad one and I really feel for this woman who got married to a ghost as husband. But let’s look at it scripturally, according to our only holy manual, she is not entitled to another man as long as her husband is still alive. That is the reason it is always good to ask for God’s divine directive especially in life partner. If it is wrong career, wrong choice of course or any other thing, she can make another choice, but in this circumstance she is not supposed to remarry as long as this wicked man is still alive. Auntie Agatha, what do you think about this. Toyin. Dear Toyin, I am sure God didn’t intend to make us prisoners in any way. She has a right to live, to be happy as a woman and have children. What would she be waiting for when the man is obviously happy with the choice he has made down there? We should be careful when interpreting the Bible. We should allow the Holy Spirit administer to us as every word of the Bible applies to a situation we are passing through. What applies to one person may not apply to the other person. Only God is the supreme judge of our faith. In her shoes, would you continue to wait for a non-existent husband? Good luck.

Marriage outside my love’s plan

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will clock 30 this year. I have been dating the man in my life for five years now. We have talked about getting married. When it looks like he is all set for it, he comes up with an excuse of why we should postpone it. Initially his excuses had to do with his lack of accommodation and a viable job. Through my father’s connection, I was able to secure him a good job in the ministry; his job came with staff quarters. He heads a department that is into verification of land, which means he is making so much from his extra deals. Not only does he have a house now, through his deals, he has two houses to his name. So it isn’t a matter of us not having the required funds or the right kind of accommodation. The thing is that I don’t know why he appears afraid to marry. I have tried to find out from him if there is anything about the matter; something I am doing that is wrong or he doesn’t like. He has never stopped assuring me that I mean so much to him. It isn’t as if I depend on him financially. I run my own business with very impressive clientele which have also increased through his own connections. He appears to be happy with the arrangement of both of us staying together without any legal paper. With my parents moving down town, he wants us to live together but much as I love him, I have never really liked the idea of a couple living together permanently without formalising their relationship. Our families are well known to each other, a point he refers to when I insist on us formalising our relationship. His friends too appear hesitant to marry. Except for two of them, many of his friends, are mostly single parents or live in lovers with the mothers of their children. I love him, but I don’t know what to do about him or this relationship. I have tried to reason with him about my age, pointing out to him that I am a woman with limited time to have children. He says there is nothing stopping us from starting a family if I so desire. Agatha, I don’t know what is happening. I am so confused about this whole thing. I love him so much to end the relationship. He loves me too; he demonstrates it everywhere we are. Do I take my friend’s suggestion and get pregnant? I don’t want any woman to reap where I have cultivated and sowed. Help me. Layimika. Dear Layimika, The choice to begin a family with a man who isn’t ready to perform any form of marital ceremony on you is purely your choice. But marriage isn’t something one does out of desperation or with half baked reasons. Unless your mind is made up to journey with those children as a single parent, nothing protects your union. No matter how strong your love for each other is, you are merely his girlfriend if nothing formal is done on you by him or members of his family. That which you fear, another woman coming to reap where you have tilled and sowed may one day become a reality if he insists on both of you living together as live in lovers. But beyond the issue of marriage, what was the agreement between the two of you when you met? Did he promise you anything at the beginning? Did he plan to marry you when he approached you for a relationship five years ago? Sincerely, this is where you should start from. Some men approach a woman simply to have an affair with her while others plan marriage from the beginning. If he never conceptualised marriage with you from the beginning, it might be difficult for him to now do so despite having spent five years together. Although you have been instrumental to his success as a man, there must be a spiritual harmony between his person and spirit man concerning having you as a wife. He may want it, but if that deep part of his is struggling against the idea of you being a permanent feature in his life, he will always fight the idea of having anything formal. What he can cope with now is having you in his life without the complications of the legal structure. He wants to be able to go and come. This is what he can cope with at this point. To an extent he is sincere with you. The problem is, are you sincere with yourself? Will you ever be happy with him under this condition he has given you? It is obvious you are only willing to play along because you don’t have an alternative to him but for you to be really happy, you must consider every angle to this issue before deciding on it. Sometime what we consider to be the end of the road may be the beginning of a very wonderful road. That you helped him doesn’t mean you must end up as his wife. You must ask God first to know what you should do. If after having children, he doesn’t marry you again. What would be your testimony and story to the children? What name will you be answering if you live with him as his live in lover? Mrs. or Miss? What we do today becomes a reference point for our children. Be wise and prayerful. Good luck.

My husband is a womaniser

With Agatha Edo,Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel:08054500626 Dear Agatha, My husband is a chronic womaniser. There is nothing I haven’t done to make him change. He is always going in and out of relationships. I knew when we were dating that he was incapable of being faithful to a woman but I thought all that would change once we got married. I also didn’t think he would degenerate to this level. It seems as he ages, his line of women increase to tally with his age. These days, they call him even at home; not minding that he would be with his family at that time of the day. He is going to be 51 while I shall be 50, this year. His thirst for women hasn’t depreciated one bit. I actually met him when I was almost giving up any hope of being married, at almost 40 years of age. Our first born is just 10 years of age while the second one is nine. I don’t know if I can cope with this anymore. It hasn’t been easy for me at all. But I am just as scared of leaving him because I don’t know how I will cope with two young children without their father. I am fed up trying to keep him away from all the women in his life. Initially I was always fighting them until one of them called me an old woman. Please help me because I don’t know how to cope anymore with my kind of marriage and husband. Although he is attentive to his children and me, ensures we lack nothing, but I want more from him. I want him to myself; I am not getting younger. Is companionship not the reason we marry? At my age, my choices are very limited. Please help me. Wunmi. Dear Wunmi, Every good marriage must go through the mill of patience, endurance, sacrifice, selflessness, stupidity, wisdom and fear of God. For your kind of marriage to work, you must be determined to be loyal to your vows. If you keep focusing on the ways of your husband, the hurt of his disloyalty to you, lack of respect of the many women in his life, your marriage won’t survive this difficult period. There is always a history of pains and foolish patience behind every marriage that has survived to be called successful. Take it from me, successful marriages don’t grow from trees, they come about because the woman at home made up her mind to play, deaf, blind and dumb to the things happening around her. You are very lucky because his attitude didn’t start suddenly. You knew before hand the nature of the man you were getting married to. At least he was honest enough not to pretend about this flaw in his character. Frankly, you gave up your right to complain the moment you agreed to marry him with the unwritten conditions he laid bare for you through his character. By accepting to marry him knowing you will never have him to yourself, will always share him with the numerous women in his life, you should have been better prepared psychologically and spiritually than you obviously are. This isn’t the kind of marriage you go thinking that you will be able to change the man. Sincerely, that was your first mistake. After a certain age, it becomes almost impossible for any person to attempt to change another person. Only God and the determination of your husband to change can achieve the magic. So rather, than fight the women in his life, grumble about your situation, why not go on your knees? Ask God for the reason behind this marriage. Even if you didn’t ask Him in the beginning, considered yourself lucky to have gotten a single man at the age you met him, this is the time to go back to the only one who can make your husband change his ways. God that allowed the marriage to persist till now has a plan. It is this plan you must find and implement for you to be happy at the end of the day. It takes a lot of things to make a marriage work. Remember you are not doing this just for yourself but for him and the children too. You won’t have any excuse if anything happens to him. You are his wife; the one God bequeathed the authority to stand in gap for him. That the women in his life is increasing rather than decreasing since you married him, can only mean that you are not doing enough, or you lack the precise thing needed to make it work. There must be something making him go outside. Go to his family to investigate the origin of this attitude of his. Most of the attitudes we display early in life or later are things we picked up consciously or unconsciously from our parents or relations. Something must have instigated this kind of behaviour. Finding out from his family will give you a clearer and bigger picture of the issue you are dealing with. It will help you focus on where to direct your prayers. And if it is a habit he picked up along the line, it means you have to look into the kinds of friends he has and pray them out of his life. If you don’t employ prayers but depend on your own knowledge or strength to win this war; you will find yourself struggling against the tide. However, you must be strong-minded to stay put in this kind of marriage to succeed. Follow the spiritual with practical steps like ensuring his food, home, person are well taken care of. Make sure the time he spends at home are memorable. You will achieve this by restraining yourself from nagging or letting your worries about his other women show. Since he is responsible enough to provide for you and the children, swim contently in this. Always remember to thank him for whatever he does for you; even if it is his responsibility. Go the extra mile by helping him with his office bag, tie, clothes when either dressing or undressing. There is nothing a humble heart cannot achieve. Go on your knees when serving him. A woman that stoops to conquer is the wisest one at the end of the day. Remember these are the same knees you go on when praying to God. If God answers your prayers when you kneel down to pray, why won’t your husband favour you when you go down before him on those same knees? The truth is, a woman determined to displace you in his home will do this without thinking twice about it. He agreed to marry you and is still staying with you because of something he saw in you. Whatever that is, continue to refine your behaviour until he agrees to leave these women. What most women don’t know is that the little things many women think is unnecessary are the real things that appeal to men. If you develop the habit of joking about his harem, overtime, it will become just that; a joke. By making the most of the time you spend together, you will be helping yourself cope with the kind of situation you have found yourself in this marriage. Like I always say, once a marriage is devoid of physical violence, there is no situation that cannot be managed. Given the wide gap between you and your children, don’t end the marriage. You need his presence to help with the children. Besides given the age you are now, this is the time you need the company of a man most in your life. Good luck.