Some call her the ‘love doctor’, others describe her as an ‘authoritative life support’, yet to thousands of newspaper and magazine readers within and outside Nigeria, she is simply ‘Auntie Agatha’. more...
Dear Agatha I recently read one of your answers to a questions. I really need your help. My relationship is three years old. My boyfriend has been very good to me. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me just as I have also done for him. I would have classified our relationship as being perfect but for his sexual fantasies. Ever since we started dating, he has been in the habit of gazing at the bodies of sex swingers online. He would stare at them and imagine himself with them. To please him, I have tried on some occasions to play along with him by playing the role of his object of fantasy. Sometimes I succeed in doing a good job but most of the time; I fail to live up to his particular fantasy. There are other times I absolutely refuse to play along with these ladies. On such occasions, he gets angry and says things like he doing me a favour by not going the whole way with these ladies. That he is asking me to stand in because he doesn’t want to have online sex with the women. He also favours us having an audience when we make love as well as swapping of partners. We always quarrel over this. He would go ahead to call me boring because I refuse to play his little sex games. Severally I have told him I’m not promiscuous and don’t relish doing the things he wants me to do. It is one thing to talk about one’s fantasies but another thing to be hooked on it anytime we want to have sex. I don’t like having an audience when intimate with my man or being made love to by another man simply to satisfy my boyfriend’s ecstasy. I also cannot stand watching him make love to another woman. I want to be myself just as I expect him to be himself when we are alone. Since meeting him, he remains the only man I want in my life. We have been arguing over this habit of his since we started dating. Due to the frequency of our arguments these days, he appears to be avoiding me. We haven’t had sex in the last two months. I’m scared he is having sex with other women. He keeps accusing me of cheating on him when it is actually the other way round. I love him with my whole being and don’t know where he keeps getting the idea that I’m cheating on him from. He appears incapable of trusting me. I don’t know what to do anymore. Right now, I’m confused on whether to continue in the relationship or end it as I can never be the kind of woman he wants me to be. Given his current attitude, do you think he is in another relationship? Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover, What is your definition of being good to you? What about respect for your person and sensitivity to your emotional needs? Why would a man who claims to love his woman subject her to the emotional trauma of seeing him in another woman’s company, or agree to have another man mount her in the name of satisfying his sexual fantasies? What manner of logic or attitude is that? How come he makes you appear incapable of pleasing him? What manner of imagination would make a man turn his woman into a sex toy or strip her of that essential ingredient- respect? Do you think if he has any respect for you, he would insist you emulate all those detailed sex scenes every time he wants to make love to you? A good relationship is an embodiment of every aspect of human emotions. Sacrifice is when one person lives in the body of the other person. It isn’t only about money but also avoiding those things that will cause the other person to feel less of him or herself. Making you do things you don’t feel comfortable with, is wrong and demeaning to your self-esteem as a woman. You may love him dearly, but does he love you for who you are or for the sexual experiments he is forcing on you? When a man loves a woman he protects her from every appearance of things that would devalue her in the eyes of people. Insisting you witness his sexual escapades is degrading to your person. The fact that you resent everything that has to do with his sexuality means you are not compatible in that department, which happens to be one of the major areas of a successful relationship as well as marriage. If he thinks you boring because you refuse to play his sex games, what chance do you think your relationship has against this background? Deep down, is this the kind of love life you want or better still, the kind of life you plan for yourself? Do you enjoy being with him? Is his kind of behaviour alright with you? Are you proud of the feelings he generates inside of you after you two have made love? Do you see yourself enduring that feeling for a long time to come? Do you think you are and will always be sufficient to please him? These are questions you should answer truthfully to get a clear picture of what you really want from life. Unless you are pretending not to like what he does to you, the time is now for you to really scale this relationship. Your ultimate happiness should be your bench mark. Sex is a very private thing between human adults. Only animals lack inhibitions about the place they mate. Even commercial sex workers, who make their living from sex, shroud it in secrecy. When a seemingly responsible man exposes his woman to such show of shame simply to satisfy his fantasies, then something isn’t right about him. Except you are happy with the situation between the two of you, the time to properly appraise exactly how you feel about this man is now. To allow it linger is to shortchange yourself of the opportunity to allow someone who actually appreciates your kind of person, into your life. On the issue of whether he is seeing someone else, I wouldn’t know. However, I think you should first learn to love yourself more because without this, you will never be able to determine your self-worth or know the kind of man who will make you happy. It isn’t every man that comes your way who has that special ability to make you happy. You are in this situation because you have failed to properly appraise yourself. When a woman is confident of herself, there are things she will not allow in her life. A man has to first love a woman for whom she is, before anything else. For this relationship to be meaningful to you, this man has to learn how to love you for yourself and not because you are a willing sex toy in his hands. This is what should concern you more than the issue of whether he is having affairs with other women. Good luck.
May the Good Lord continue to enrich your wealth of wisdom and knowledge.
My marriage of about seven years is at the brink of break-up. I recently discovered my wife could be having an affair with a friend of hers who stays in Kano while his family is in Ibadan, Oyo State, Nigeria.
I actually made the discovery when I needed to urgently check something in my email box. Since I didn’t have a subscription, I decided to use her phone. After I finished with my mail, I decided to check her WhatsApp chats and that is where I got this shocker of my life. From the chats she and this friend of hers have exchanged, I discovered they use endearments like ‘my love’ and ‘dear’. Some of their chats were not only romantic; they also exchange porn movies. Most painful is the knowledge she chats with this man till midnight but hardly chats with me up to 10p.m.
In fairness to my wife, she has been a very virtuous and supportive woman right from our courtship days. We courted for five years before we got married.
Back then things were very rough for me but she didn’t mind and gave me all the support I needed to succeed. She is not only beautiful but has the kind of heart that cares, which makes her the favorite wife in my family.
She and our two children live in Lagos while I work outside the State. I however make it a point of duty to visit them every two to three weeks.
It hurts because I have come to trust her so much. Not even on occasions when my colleagues do a generalisation about women being untrustworthy, have I ever doubted her.
What surprises me the most is that I deflowered her and she is very conservative. I also introduced her to her trendy fashion sense. I can’t imagine her addressing any other man by the endearments I read in her phone.
Since meeting her, I have not dated another woman despite pressures from women I come across in my line of duty as a medical doctor. I also haven’t kept this fact from her.
But with what I saw in her phone, I not only intend to have an affair but to end the marriage and care for only my children.
I’m confused and really don’t know what to do which is why I am appealing to you to help me, given your wealth of experience. Deep down, I still love her very much but cannot help myself after the chats I saw. I can’t think straight and my colleagues are beginning to suspect something is wrong between my wife and I.
I don’t want to tell them anything as I don’t want to discredit my wife in anyway before my friends. Please help me.
It is obvious, despite everything you think your wife has done; you still love her sufficiently as to shield her from the negative opinions of your friends.
This is a positive sign that you are very much willing to engage in discussion on the matter. As a matter of fact, it is wrong despite all the evidences you think you have to assume her guilty of having an extra marital affair with this friend of hers without first confronting her with the facts you have.
Sometimes things aren’t what they appear to be. Yes, the chat you read is condemnable and damning, but given what you know about your wife, do you think it is enough evidence she is cheating on you?
And why didn’t you call her attention to the chat when you first discovered it? Don’t you think she deserves her day in court even if you think the chat is a conclusive evidence of her infidelity to you? Isn’t this the rationale behind giving even confirmed criminals the opportunity of defending themselves in courts of law?
It is only fair you give your wife the chance to either deny or defend herself against your proof by bringing the issue to her knowledge. It is wrong for you to come to a conclusion without informing her of what you read on her phone. You wouldn’t be fair to her and the children if you refuse to bring the issue to her knowledge. If you must end the marriage, at least give her the reason for your decision. This way you would not look like a fool when you find out the truth behind that exchange between the two of them.
Have you considered that they may just be fooling around as friends without anything to the chat? Do you think if she had anything to hide, she would surrender her phone to you when she knows it contains evidences of her infidelity to you and her marriage? Do you presuppose she would intentionally put her marriage to you in danger by allowing you access to issues that would endanger the union?
Depending on how close they are as friends, inappropriate as the conversation between the two of them maybe, that chat you saw might be very harmless. But you won’t know until you confront her head-on. You need to exercise caution because this issue, if not carefully handled by you could destroy a happy marriage.
In giving her the chance, it is also advisable you have an open mind to enable you come to a clearer picture of what the situation really is. In other words, give her the benefit of the doubt. If the man is in Kano and she is in Lagos, how easy do you think it would be for them to meet and have an affair in spite of what you have read from their chat thread?
In making your decisions, how possible is it for her to leave two young kids behind to be with a man who doesn’t reside in the same town with her?
In addition, If you say she is a woman of virtue, what do you think could have been responsible for her sudden change in behavior? Could it be there is something lacking in your marriage? Why aren’t you two staying together? Why is she in Lagos and you in your current State of assignment? Don’t you think this arrangement is doing more harm than good to your union?
The existence of such a chat is evidence that there is a salient issue with your marriage which you must tackle before anything else. Loneliness is a trap that ensnares and eventually destroys a marriage, no matter how solid the foundation of that marriage is.
There are moments in a woman’s life when she cannot help herself, when she wants the full compliments of her man. It takes the extra grace of God for her not to be tempted by another man who makes an appearance or calls her at her most vulnerable time. If your marriage is just seven years old, she is still too young to manage on her own emotionally. The first seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. No matter how many years you spent having a courtship, the make or mar period of a marriage is the first seven years.
Perhaps this is a clarion call for you to consider having your family with you at your station. If you are around her, she won’t have the time or boldness to share such images and chats with another man. The man too, won’t have such effrontery to engage another man’s wife till late in the night. They are both free to trade chats because you have unwittingly left your farm fallow most of the time.
Your solution should not be to start an affair but to relocate your family to where you are as soon as possible. Distance is like a cancer that eats away the essential parts of a marriage. Once she is close to you, you would have succeeded in solving all extraneous issues. Your staying apart as a couple is brewing trouble in your marriage.
Take it from me, the major issue in your marriage isn’t that of her suspected infidelity, but that of you two staying apart. Once that is resolved, you will discover that you are both happier and much more in love.
I have been in love with this man for over two years. I actually enjoyed being in a relationship with him for a while until I discovered his true nature.
Before this, we had gone through the process of visiting each other’s family.
Just when I was really settling into the relationship, I discovered aspects of him that will definitely become a huge problem for me in the future. For instance, when it comes to money he is absolutely miserly. Since we started dating, he has never given me a dime. It isn’t just me he is stingy to. He does the same thing to his family members.
His ‘tightfistedness’ extends to the way home appliances are used. He doesn’t allow us to put on the fan, no matter how hot the weather is. He also puts off the fridge when nobody is at home.
He stops any visitor from visiting unless the person makes a commitment to him to pay his or her way to and from our house.
Some few weeks ago, I had to undergo an operation. Despite earning more than 300,000 Francs a month, he was unable to send money for my treatment. He gave his usual excuse of not having money. I’m hurt at the way he is treating me. Though I resolved to henceforth regard him as a room-mate, but it still doesn’t lessen the pains I feel in my heart at his callousness towards me.
Agatha, I’m tired.
If it’s any consolation, you are not alone in this kind of relationship. We are all not wired alike. While some people are generous to a fault some are also parsimonious to a fault. It is in their nature. Any attempt to change who they are always complicate things between them and their partners, especially if such persons are too much in a hurry to make them do things against their nature.
Consider yourself lucky that you are finding out about his true nature before marriage. At least, you still have the choice of whether to continue with him or end the relationship.
Also the definition of stinginess is subjective. What you consider frugal may just be an application of common sense. He may also consider you too extravagant and unreasonable. For instance the issue of switching off the fridge when nobody is at home isn’t a function of being stingy but more of common sense since an electric spark or malfunction can occur anytime. It is best to err on the side of caution than to be sorry. It would have been a different thing altogether if he insists on the fridge being off even when people are in the house.
Yes, the issue of him disallowing anyone from operating the fan may be a little odd, but rather than take it as a crime against him, why not enquire of him why he doesn’t like the idea of you putting on the fan even when the weather is extremely uncomfortable. You can through superior argument make him change his mind. By nicely explaining to him that his attitude negates his decision to equip his home with a fan would make him realize his foolishness, or at least offer an explanation.
On the issue of insisting that intending visitors take responsibility of paying their transport to and fro isn’t really out of place. You don’t know the different experiences he has had with people who just pick their bags to visit without considering whether their host/hostess is in a position to fund their desires, while still expecting enough money to cover their transport cost. Opening his doors to who can pay his/her way, doesn’t present him as one who is as tight-fisted as you make him appear to be.
What I think he is out to achieve is weeding unnecessary visitors and distractions from his home. This way, only persons who have genuine reasons to visit him will come. Again, it will be good to ask him reasons for his decisions.
Being his woman, you have the right to ask him why he appears always broke when he earns a reasonable salary. He could be involved in projects you don’t know of. Rather than come to the conclusions that he doesn’t care about you or is deliberately withholding his money from you, let him know what you feel and how pained you are at his attitude towards money.
It is important in the interest of fair play that you tell him you didn’t like what he did when you went through an operation. Make it clear you weren’t expecting him to pick the entire bill for your operation but you expected him to at least demonstrate some financial commitment to it.
There is a fine line between obnoxious and reason. Understanding the other person entails setting our personal outlook on neutral. This way, we are able to see and reason without sentiments. To you, he is stingy because he fails to live up to your expectations of what you think is right. This could be why you are unnecessarily being judgmental of his person and getting all hurt.
Oftentimes, the hurt, resentment and disappointment we feel towards our partners come from our own inability to be broad-minded about our perception of life. Just like you have the right to do things your way, so does your boyfriend.
A perfect relationship isn’t defined by the number of years a couple has been together, but by their ability to bridge individual differences.
There must be concomitant will on your part as well as your boyfriend’s to find a common ground for the sake of your relationship.
But this is all about you and what you want to happen in your life. If you feel you cannot cope with him, no need continuing in the relationship. End it before you hurt yourself any longer but if you think there is a chance for both of you to make things better, initiate a dialogue aimed at finetuning all the grey areas in your relationship.
Always have this at the back of your mind, nobody has it all. It is from the ashes of our imperfection; that our perfection is given life.