I think he is cheating on me

Dear Agatha, How do I treat my husband whom I believe is cheating on me even though he has not for once accepted that he is cheating on me? Please help. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Perish the thoughts that he would admit to an affair. No man would ever tell his wife he is having an extra marital affair. He will continue to deny it unless you catch him red-handed or he has the bad-luck of the other woman getting pregnant. So asking him is an exercise in futility. Also, the quickest way of losing your husband to the other woman is to make things difficult for him at home. A man looking for an excuse to go outside his home for fun, would only be too willing to use his wife’s hostility to underscore his reason for finding peace in the arms of another woman. Since you think he is already into an extra-marital relationship, your best attitude should be that of a loving and supportive wife. You must give him a reason to always want to come back home and not run away from you. Remember something made him go into that relationship in the first place and since you don’t know precisely what it is, remain calm and pretend you don’t even know he is romancing another woman. The essence of this is to help you achieve that equilibrium that would give you the kind of peace to win him back into your arms and bed. And one of such ways is to begin by examining yourself. Granted men are born polygamists and some actually don’t need any reason to begin an affair, the truth however remains that most of the time; women give them reasons to look outside their homes for those extra bits. Even though many women are improving on their looks, there is still a lot to be said when it comes to attitude and disposition to matters concerning their homes and husbands. Gradually, women, no thanks to good education and exposure are becoming arrogant at home. The average man, no matter his position wants a woman who will allow him play the lead role at home. This is the way God has structured the average man to behave. Therefore, anything or situation that threatens this God given sovereignty is seen by him as an affront hence his constant need to find a woman who will always massage this ego. Have you at anytime given him reason to think you are trying to challenge him? Many a time those little things we ignore or take for granted are the very things that become huge problems for us in our marriages. What has he consistently complained about in your marriage and with your person? What has been the persistent challenge in your marriage? And what have been your reactions to these complains? An honest reappraisal would help you come to a fair conclusion on where you have gone wrong as well as the possible reasons for his straying. Once you are able to pin-point your own faults, work on them with a view of making your home more appealing to your husband. For now, pretend you don’t even suspect him of having any interest outside you. Use your knowledge of him, the advantage of being his wife to neutralise the hold the other woman has over him. Every marriage needs upgrading through refresher courses. While you work on your own weakness, read up books on how to improve your relationship with your spouse. When a man goes out of his home, sex and his welfare are often than not his reasons. Don’t be shy to look at the quality of sex between the two of you. if you were to grade it, how would you score yourself? This isn’t time to be shy, religious or cautious because you are married hence free to enjoy the thrills of sex. For any marriage to remain relevant and happy, both parties must take care not to allow sex become boring or a routine. If he has some fantasies, oblige him if that would make him happy at that moment. You can lovingly tell him later what you think about a particular position and how you think another kind of style would benefit you both the more. You also must have imaginations of your own. Often time women get scared to ask and introduce quality sex into their marriages. The irony of it is that the same innovations married women are afraid of introducing into their love lives are the same things that girlfriends use in luring and entrapping married men. Whether you like it or not, varieties in sexual styles oil the wheels of matrimony. It also helps the couples stay in tune with each other. Check your marital sexual chart, observe its low points and do everything to make it appealing. If you get this right, you won’t have to do anything extra-ordinary to bring your husband back home. Even where he appears indifferent, don’t let his attitude get to you; continue to follow your new plans on how to get him back. Follow up with good meals, gifts, friendly disposition, listening ears as well as creating a peaceful home for him. No matter the emotional pains you are going through, calm down to properly articulate what you have to do to make your home succeed. Don’t forget that you are the one in the disadvantaged position now. He is having his fill of fun from the other woman and may not really be bothered with how you feel for the time being. If you make the mistake of nagging him or make the home too hostile for him to come back to, you may never be able to completely wean him of his need to stray. It isn’t every time a man strays or appears not in a hurry to leave his girlfriend that juju is involved. Neither would prayers erase a problem that needs practical steps. Just as this isn’t the right time to question his moves. Plenty of time for that. What you need is to learn to be humble and exercise wisdom to make your home happy again. This is more important now than worrying over the other woman. By giving him his due respect, you elevate him position of prime importance in your life. This is what men want from women at all time and what would always tilt the scale in your favor even when he goes out. Good luck. He is always demanding for sex Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age and in my third year of Senior Secondary School, (SSS). I have a boyfriend that is 28 years of age. He is an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man but he is always demanding for sex from me. Please help me out. Funke. Dear Funke, Be careful. It is alright to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy. However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space. For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS 3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life. In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there, are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics. This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your education. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being. And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary school considering the age you would be at that time. If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is; finish your education like he has done. He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur. Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant? And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life. Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your education and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body. Good luck.

My parents don’t like her

Dear Agatha, I am 25 years old in a serious relationship with a 23 year old lady. I really love this girl but the problem is that my parents don’t want to see this girl. Please help me out. Confused Solomon Dear confused Solomon, What an elder sees from the bottom of the stair case, a child even at the roof top cannot see. Granted in some cases, parents, especially women, add so many things up to pass judgment on their prospective daughters-in-law; it is only wise you ask your parents why they are against her. They may have observed certain things concealed in her character that are oblivious to you. It is only when you ask questions that you get proper directions. Walk up to your parents to ask why they are against her. Listen with your head and not your heart because a heart in love is blind and deaf to reasons other than the one it seeks. Be objective. Scrutinize everything they have to say before making your conclusions. Because we are all not created with the same qualities, her flaws maybe the strength you need to succeed. If your parents’ are not tenable, don’t push them away; tell them you have heard while you further probe whatever they have said. In all these, belief in your dreams and hold on to them always, come rain, come storm. That is the only way to be happy. Listen to your parents but if you are sure of your love for this lady, market her to them, do everything in your power to convince them that she is the one meant for you and that it doesn’t matter to you if marrying her holds more challenges for you than any other woman. Don’t forget the test of a true man is his ability to hold on to his dreams and confront head long challenges. The infallible nature of man makes it imperative for him to be more tolerant of the imperfection in another person. Good luck.

He desires me to always take the lead

Dear Agatha, I’ve noticed a certain kind of behavior in my boyfriend that I don’t understand at all. If I ask him about it, he gives excuses. The thing is that we both agreed to wait until our wedding night but we still indulge in a little romancing every now and then. My problem with it is that whenever we are kissing, he often asks me to be on top. Granted, he’s a foot taller than I am and bigger than me, does that mean he can’t stay on top of me? He respects me a lot. Whenever we are kissing and my bra strap slips, he puts it back without fondling my breasts. Can you explain why he doesn’t like to be the dominant one? Puzzled Girl. Dear Puzzled Girl, We all come with different ways of performing the same task. Since you are both determined to go to your marital bed unsoiled, this is his way of ensuring he doesn’t go against the vows you both made not to sleep with each other until your wedding night. Asking you to be on top when you both indulge in your little romance is giving you absolute control of the situation. When a woman is astride a man, she can control the pace and everything that comes with being intimate with a man. What your boyfriend is doing is to give you the chance to back out of any situation once you are no longer comfortable with it. Nature has designed the woman to accommodate and bear the weight of any man when it comes to the issue of lovemaking. Even if he is giant, and you a dwarf, when it comes to intimacy, you will still be able to carry his weight beautifully well. So it has nothing to do with whether he is taller or bigger than you. It’s like being pregnant. No matter the weight of the child, the womb will always find ways of accommodating the foetus. That is the way Mother Nature has designed the ability and strength of the woman. But your man is only being considerate of your feelings and wishes. He is aware, if he takes absolute command, he may not be able to control the outcome of your intimacy. Men by nature get easily stimulated and once fully charged may find himself going beyond the limits you have set. Being on top of you, gives him the unrestricted advantage of smooth entrance even before you know what is happening. But if you are on top, without you moving to give him the advantage of entry, it would be difficult for him to gain access. Therefore, rather than pick a fight with him over this, applaud him for his devotion to you. Frankly, not many men would be that considerate for the feelings and decision of the woman in their lives. That he is willing to help you keep a promise you made is commendable. For some women having a man on top of them is enough to make them go out of control. Learn to trust in his judgment. He means well for both of you. Good luck. -To share your problem with Auntie Agatha, send and email to gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

He wants me to abort this pregnancy again

Dear Agatha. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost seven years and have aborted so many pregnancies for him. He traveled out of the country last year, came back this year and almost immediately I got pregnant again. To my pains, when I informed him about the development, he asked me to go and terminate the pregnancy again. I declined and informed his parents as well as mine about my state. They all warned me not to tamper with the pregnancy. The issue is, my so called boyfriend is not considerate at all. He and I know the number of pregnancies I have terminated on his instruction. He is insisting I remove this one or face being maltreated by him. Secondly, we have been thinking of renting an apartment for me but whenever we see any, he will disqualify it by saying he doesn’t have much money on him whereas he has money to spend on buying drinks for his friends. What baffles me is that he likes to spend on his friends and family members but finds it difficult to spend on himself or on anything that will benefit both of us. Once it comes to spending on himself or me, he will begin to complain of lack of money. He is also fond of beating me up at the slightest excuse, cursing and calling me all sorts of names. His parents keep urging me to be patient. I am six weeks gone and he is still insisting he won’t pay rent on any apartment for me. He says if I cannot stay in the family house, I should go and stay with my parents. He doesn’t care about me or the baby I’m carrying for him. I am seriously thinking of having an abortion and ending the relationship because I cannot see him settling down into any marriage. All he wants, is to spend lavishly on his friends and drinks. He is fond of abusing me and my family members. I don’t think I can cope with his attitude any longer. In fairness he has done so much for me but for him and God I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t want to disgrace my family. Please help me. Nifemi. Dear Nifemi, There are too many complications in your life now. The best thing is to tackle them one at a time. The most important thing in all these is, that baby you are carrying inside of you. It is high time you gave a thought to it. Whether you and your man are having it rough or not, it is immaterial now; what is, is the kind of life you plan for this baby and you. It is obvious from all indices that your man isn’t ready to be responsible for you and this child so the onus is on you to map a kind of life for the baby. Besides, you need to protect your child from all the violence between you and your man. To do this right, you must be ready to be dispassionate about so many things including the kind of feelings you have for the father. If you want a good life for this child, one that will erase all the pains you are suffering now or the shame of having to take charge of the child alone, you must learn to be strong. And it begins now, from you deleting the thoughts of aborting this pregnancy from your mind. Be resolute that this child must live to become your compensation for all the pains of aborting all the previous pregnancies as well as for the mess your relationship with the father has become. Even though you have more of the blame by refusing to protect yourself against unwanted pregnancies after he insisted you abort the first one, it isn’t too late to make the necessary amendments. For all you know, this may be your last pregnancy in life. As it stands, he doesn’t have anything to lose because by the time he is ready to settle down, he can get any woman to have children for him. But should you go for this abortion as you are now contemplating and anything happens to you, you will be the one living with the regrets and consequences for life. Sometimes, it isn’t the visible things that go wrong that bring the headache. It is those inexplicable things that prevent a woman from getting pregnant; the kinds of humiliating tests and different concoctions she is made to drink coupled with the killing thoughts that she could be paying for the different abortions she did. Ask those women who are looking for children and you will know how lucky you are to be pregnant after the number of abortions you have had. If for nothing else, consider the special grace God has given you to be a mother and make the decision to keep this child irrespective of the behavior of the man who helped in its conception. Make your peace with God by resisting the urge to trash everything that reminds you of the seven years you spent with him. Your being pregnant is a grace God has given you; don’t abuse it after fighting so hard to keep it. The fact that his parents know about the pregnancy should be enough for you now. If they are serious, let them help you get a place to stay but, if they are not, plead with your parents to let you stay with them until the baby is born and you are able to find stand on your feet again. It isn’t as if you cannot point out the father of the child; just that he isn’t responsible enough to live up to his responsibilities as a man and father. So the issue of disgrace doesn’t arise at all. There is no relationship without failed expectations. It is better to outlive a bad relationship than to be killed in it. There are no garlands for dying in a bad relationship. You will only be labeled a foolish woman if you insist on staying in an abusive relationship. End everything that has to do with him. He is misbehaving because he thinks you cannot live without him. Show him that like everywoman, you are blessed with an extra strength to survive. It is just a matter of developing your default programming to make this work for you. Make this child yours; invest love, kindness, strength into him or her. But, there is something wrong with your boyfriend; something that goes deep into his past. There is nothing you can do but to pray for him because it goes beyond him. He doesn’t even know there is something wrong with him; determined on destroying him which is why he cannot spend his money on himself or anything that will benefit him. Because he is the father of your unborn baby, he needs your prayer to protect your child from whatever curse is upon him. This is important for your well being later in life. His parents cannot be happy at the kind of life he is living and would definitely have been happier if things were more settled with him. So insure your child by praying for the father. In all these you too must accept your faults and learn from them. That baby apart from being your special gift will always remind you of the pains and prize a woman pays for not planning her life. Life is about learning from our numerous mistakes. Once you are able to refocus, you will come out of this situation smelling roses. Just trust God by giving Him the chance to do what He has started through this child you are carrying inside of you. Good luck.

My wife has uterine fibroid

Dear Agatha, What are the causes of uterine fibroids and how common are they? I am bothered because my wife has it. Lanre. Dear Lanre, None of the researches I made could say exactly why women develop these tumours. However, the different searches agree that genetic abnormalities, alterations in growth expression, like proteins formed in the body that direct the rate and extent of cell proliferation, abnormalities in the vascular-blood vessel system, and tissue response to injury have all been suggested to play a role in the development of fibroids. In their opinion, family history is a key factor, since there is often a history of fibroids developing in women of the same family just as race appears to play a role. Women of African descent are two to three times more likely to develop fibroids than women of other races. Women of African ancestry also develop fibroids at a younger age and may have symptoms from fibroids in their 20s, in contrast to Caucasian women with fibroids, in whom symptoms typically occur during the 30s and 40s. Pregnancy and use of oral contraceptives both decrease the likelihood that fibroids will develop. Thankfully, fibroids have not been observed in girls who have not reached puberty, but adolescent girls may rarely develop fibroids. Other factors that researchers have associated with an increased risk of developing fibroids include having the first menstrual period (menarche) prior to age 10, consumption of alcohol (particularly beer), uterine infections, and elevated blood pressure (hypertension). Oestrogen tends to stimulate the growth of fibroids in many cases. During the first trimester of pregnancy, up to 30 per cent of fibroids will enlarge and then shrink after the birth. In general, fibroids tend to shrink after menopause, but post-menopausal hormone therapy may cause symptoms to persist. Overall, these tumours are fairly common and occur in up to 50 per cent of all women. Most of the time, uterine fibroids do not cause symptoms or problems, and a woman with a fibroid is usually unaware of its presence. Uterine fibroids are benign tumours that originate in the uterus. It is best you seek professional help in the treatment and management of the condition. Good luck.

Can I trust him with my life?

Dear Agatha, I am a 27 year old lady. My boyfriend is four years older than I am. Our relationship is four years old; we started when we were both in school. I graduated before him and got a job. Though he has graduated too but he is yet to secure a job. We have both been faithful to each other. Being a virgin, he wants me to keep it until our wedding night. We are planning to get married this year; the moment he gets a job. He is really working hard to get one. I help out by searching for all job vacancies and sending the websites to him. I also want to help him financially but he is not the type to ask for or even take money from me. Recently, someone promised him a job and we were very happy but all of a sudden his attitude changed in one day. I called him to tell him about a proposal a friend of mine offered having agreed to travel abroad after our wedding ceremony. I want to further my education there. To my pains, he didn’t appear to buy into the proposal. He said I should concentrate on us getting married first as combining marriage and going abroad would be too much for us to handle. I wanted us to begin the process this year as it would take a year to complete all formalities. He got angry and told me I was free to travel, if that is what I really wanted. Baffled by his attitude, I asked him a simple question of whether he wanted us to travel or not. All I wanted was a simple yes or no. That was how the problem started. We argued about it until he cut off the phone with the promise of calling me when my head cooled of. He called back in the night as promised. He said I didn’t consider where he was when I was asking him the question. He said so many things; that I didn’t have the right to ask him such questions being a woman. He also accused me of not showing him enough respect by that question. I said if he wants me begin to fear him then so be it. He has been my best friend for years and we talk freely with each other, we talk every day as many times as possible as we live in different states but since that night he has not called me again except to reply to a job advert I sent him. I haven’t called him either because I don’t know if he will be in the right place and situation to answer. I find the situation funny because all these years I have always called him anytime. It is also surprising to hear I don’t care about the effect of the burning sun on him when I called to ask him the stupid question. In his reply to the advert mail I sent him, he said I should stop all the sirs I use in my mails to him now and apply wisdom. Please Agatha, help me, I don’t know what he wants any more. Is he just acting like a man, if he is, does it mean that he will showcase his manhood like that even in marriage? I am kind of afraid because I don’t want to marry someone who will keep acting “I’m the man while you are the woman. You must do as I say and act how I want you to.” I have even told him about this fear before now. The whole thing is eating me up, but I try not o betray it. I also noticed he complained last week about his last trip, how he suffered so much and all that. He complains often and I wonder if I’m missing out something. He said he desires to settle down so badly and I don’t doubt if he loves me. Please tell me if I’m wrong. I want to be a better wife so wouldn’t mind if you tell me my faults. Beauty. Dear Beauty, There is a world of difference between dreams and reality. In the real world, there is no such thing as equal rights in marriage. Someone has to be the leader while the other has to follow, be a helpmate as was designed by God. The confusion we are today witnessing in the marriage institution has its root in the refusal and inability of the modern woman to appreciate that, two captains cannot be on a ship. For sanity and order to prevail, only one person can be in charge. God in all His wisdom has bestowed the leadership of the home on the man. No matter who and what a woman is, for peace to be in her home, she must submit to the man whose ego has been wired by the creator to be massaged by the woman. This is the first lesson you have to learn to accept if you want to be happy in a marriage. Your boyfriend isn’t the only man that acts this way; all men come with the same device. Secondly, you may have all the good intentions but you are going about them in the wrong ways. How can you suggest to a man who has no job to travel abroad? With what money? Your money? Besides, his argument is valid. These are two major things you cannot combine. As his woman and friend, you should have discussed it with him first before making up your mind and his’ for him. Don’t forget, this is the same man refusing to accept financial assistance from you. This man loves you but wants to be in charge. Other men would have used the opportunity of their lack of job to fleece you of your money but this man would rather endure the hardship of struggling to make ends meet. This you must always respect and appreciate in him. Try putting yourself in his shoes especially in the condition your call met him. Imagine the frustration of being in a sun, searching for a job, seeing people who perhaps aren’t as educated as you in air-conditioned cars, thinking of where the means to sustain yourself through that day would come from and receiving a call from him about going abroad? There is no way you wouldn’t react the way he did. He is a man for crying out loud. You both are still unable to get married because he lacks the means to; so many things you both plan to do are being suspended because of lack of finance. How can you expect him to jump in joy at your news? All the things he is passing through is enough to make a very sane man become frustrated. Unlike him, things have been easy for you. You left school before him and got employed almost immediately despite being four years his junior. There is no way a right thinking man would jump in joy at your offer. His reaction is very normal. And if you are serious about being a good wife, you must learn to time your news as well as think them out thoroughly before presenting them to him. Going abroad isn’t the important thing for now. It is helping him become the responsible man he wants to be. A good woman prays for her husband/man. add prayers to all you have been doing for him to get a job. He may not be cut out for a job. Only prayers can lead both of you to the right path God has designed for him. When you can take some time off to go and make things up with your man. Addressing him in formal tones isn’t the panacea to the situation on ground. You have to be learn to be loving and understanding as his woman and friend. Don’t allow the pride in you stop you from playing the role of the woman and friend he needs in this wilderness of frustration he is passing through. Send him a mail, reminding him of your love for him because this is what he needs now more than anything else in the world. His own woman; to love and cherish him. Deep down, he too has his fears concerning your ability to wait until he gets a job hence his struggle and irritations. Be wise and stop reading between the lines. His anger is not at you but against the circumstances that have made it impossible for him to get a job after graduating from school. Go to him and be the friend he needs now instead of being obstinate. Show him love and apologise for your misunderstanding of his feelings. Use the opportunity to discuss other options he could consider instead of concentrating all this energy on looking for an elusive job. But before going, have a mental idea of the kind of things he can do, do your own visibility study, have an idea of the kind of capital involved as well as viability. It will help you to convince him. Let him go away with the impression it is an interim thing until he is able to secure a job. Since he won’t accept money from you directly, discuss with a friend of his to offer him the money to begin the business of his choice with. Sincerely, you have to master the politics of massaging his ego. As long as a woman is submissive and respectful, she can always get her man to do her bidding. Good luck. To share a problem with Auntie Agatha, email gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com or Tel: 08054500626

Who do I settle for among these two women?

Dear Agatha, I am 30 years old and in a relationship with two ladies. I started with the first lady when she came to stay with her aunty in Abuja. At no time did I discuss marriage with her. Trouble started for her when she got another job and refused to give her aunty and husband money as she was doing before. She was eventually told to leave their house so, I offered to accommodate her until she got her own apartment. While she was with me, we lived together in harmony. Whenever any man approached her, she would give the man my number. My only problem with her is her lack of education. She can speak the English language but cannot write it, not even a word of it. After a year plus, I found the second girl who is not just from my village but lives in the street as my family. We also attended the same polytechnic even though as at the time I met her, she had only a National Diploma. When we met, she was teaching in one of the private schools in Gwagwalada, Abuja while, I was staying in Nyanya. She had to relocate to Karu to stay with her elder brother as a result of our relationship. Fortunately, she got another job at Wuse, but left it after awhile. Before she left the job, I opened an account for her, ensured she saved up to N200,000.00. I called my friend to assist in her quest for admission to go back for her Higher National Diploma (HND). When she initially got to school, she would tell me the number of men chasing after her. It got to a point, I told her to get herself an engagement ring to keep the men at bay. In addition, I was also sending her money every two weeks to distract her from temptation of dating other men. Some of her roommates were jealous of our relationship. But she changed dramatically when she entered her second semester, in her HND 2. Without any reason, she started talking to me rudely, something she never did before. She would insult me on the phone as she liked. But I didn’t care. One weekend, I decided to attend a wedding near her school and to surprise her. I picked her from school to my friend’s house where we stayed overnight. Before we left, I seized her phone but give it to her when calls came in. However, I noticed a particular caller she saved as Monday. I noticed she was unwilling to answer that call, kept rejecting it whenever I passed the phone to her. At about 10.p.m. when we were about to sleep, he called again. I asked her to answer the call and put it on speaker. He started explaining why he didn’t come down for the weekend as well as how he enjoyed their time together the last time they were together. At that point she disconnected the line but I flashed him and he called back immediately. This time, I answered the phone by introducing myself as her cousin. I thanked him for looking after my sister, including the money he has been sending her. I also asked what his plans were for my sister; whether he has plans to marry her or not. He told me that they were both planning towards marriage if it conforms to the plans of God for them. When I asked my fiancée about the nature of their relationship, she denied anything of such; said he was one of those asking her out. She didn’t respond to the allegations of him sending her money or coming all the way from Lagos to spend the weekend with her in Kogi State. We didn’t sleep all through that night as she was crying and begging for forgiveness. I forgave her and left the following morning for Abuja. Two weeks after, I called her to inform her that I went somewhere to investigate her spiritually and was told three men had already slept with her and that if she denies it, I should bring her along with me. It took her the whole night before eventually confessing in the wee hours of the morning, to sleeping with two other men. She later came to Abuja to see me. Naturally, I didn’t welcome her the way I used to. She was not comfortable and begged me for three days, crying all through and making promises never to do it again. Although I told her I have forgiven her but, whenever I recall the things she had done, I develop a deep hatred for her. Things are not just the way they were before. She also made me promise never to tell anybody, I did but since that time, I feel happier when with the first lady who gives me joy all the time. The second lady has forced me to meet with her mother to inform her about our relationship. Now I am confused. I want to choose one out of the two girls. The problem of the first girl are, she is from a polygamy family and has little or no education. After the incidents I witnessed with the second girl, I don’t know if I can trust her again. I need your advice urgently before I go for my introduction by Easter period. Sunny P. Dear Sunny P, I honestly don’t know why you are confused over this matter because it is a straight forward case. If you are happier with one of the girls than the other, it follows you should settle down with the one that gives you the most joy. Yes, she may not be educated, comes from a polygamous home but, marriage isn’t mathematics. It is a journey of loyalty, patience, understanding, endurance, tolerance and trust. A woman or man may have the most impressive certificates from the best schools in the world but, if lacking in the things that transform a house to home, those certificates become useless in his or her quest for happiness. The problem isn’t with the limitations of the first girl at all but, in your values. In the first place, you haven’t been faithful yourself to the first girl. Life has a way of dishing us what we invest in the lives of those we cherish. This is a lady you have been dating for sometime. Not once did you even tell her about your worries concerning her limited education or discuss ways you can help brush her up. Rather than face this challenge, your solution was to look for another lady to date concurrently with her. If this lady didn’t betray you, chances are you would have left the first girl high and dry after years of building her hope around you. Your defense of not promising her marriage is not tenable. There is something called assumption; from the content of your letter, you both must have been dating over three years. Why keep and waste her time for all these years if you have no plans for her? Why enjoy all she has been offering you if you have issues with her lack of education and family background are sources of concern to you? Whatever excuse you are secretly brewing to exonerate yourself of blame if you eventually decide on the second lady is null and void. There is no way people haven’t come to the conclusion about you two being a pair after all these years. Besides, she must have in several ways communicated her thoughts on the future of the relationship to you. Your silence means you are in agreement with her. So you see whether you voiced it out or not, a silent agreement exists between the two of you on the future of your relationship together. it is called agreement of assumption. Before you make the most regrettable decision of your life, do sit back to ask yourself these questions; if education were the benchmark for a successful marriage, would the marriages of educated people be falling like packs of cards everyday? The fact that the marriages of the educated mass, are failing, reveals the misleading perception that education is a must to successful marriage. Far from it! The dynamism and mechanism of a good marriage draw strength from the amount of sacrifices the couple is ready to make for each other and for the relationship. One of such sacrifices is absolute loyalty; in both good and bad times. The woman especially must not be driven by whatever reasons to find solace in the arms of another man, no matter the situation at home or between her and her husband. When a woman begins to manifest disrespect and contempt for her man, it concludes the relationship as meaningless. You are the epitome of the relationship and as such must all at times command the respect of your woman. This is because the vow to love, obey and cherish begins before the marriage ceremony proper. What is inherent in one cannot be changed over night. It is one thing for a woman to be temperamental but another thing altogether to be rude and unfaithful. Can you cope with her default programming? Deep in your heart, can you ever trust a woman like your second woman? Learn to be honest at this crucial time in your life to avoid a mistake you will never recover completely from. It is easier to end a relationship than to end a marriage. The issues you have with the first one are ones you can easily address. No woman wants polygamy: it is the game men play. As for her lack of education, there is nothing stopping her from enrolling in an adult literacy class. It is never too late to go back to school. Your choice must be premised on your willingness to make the right kinds of sacrifices. Pray sincerely to be led by God.

Do I stand by my daughter or husband?

Dear Agatha, This is a very delicate issue for me to handle on my own because of its future implication. My step -daughter and I are very close. I married her father about seven years ago. Her mother died three years earlier. Right from the first day I met her, we have been close. A lot of people think I am her mother and she actually addresses me as such. Through me, she has a brother and sister. She very much plays the big sister role when she comes back home on holiday and is forever on the phone discussing with them like her mates. I love her as my own. There is nothing I don’t know about her. She tells me everything about her life. She isn’t as close to the father as she is to me because he is this strict kind; even though she is in her 400 level in the university, he still treats her like a child. She also happens to be one of the most disciplined young ladies I know. Recently, she came home to confide in me about her pregnancy. Her boyfriend, who graduated three years before her is employed. He was lucky to have beeen retained by the engineering company he served. His is a young man I happen to know very well because on the occassions my husband is out of town, I always allow him to come and visit my daughter at home. My husband is one of the most difficult men I know. Once or twice, he has accused me of deliberately over indulging my stepdaughter so as to make her life worthless. He would end it by saying if she were my real daughter; I wouldn’t be so encouraging of her ways. This is the root of my problem. I love and respect my husband too much to be affected by what he says. When he is angry, he is capable of saying anything but once the storm is over; he is one of the most loving husbands I know. But, how do I tell him about her pregnancy without him throwing both of us out of the house? There is no way I would ever support a child of mine to go through an abortion but I am fearful of what would become of me and her if the father ever finds out that she is pregnant and that I am in the know of who is responsible. Three days ago, I tried to sound him about by asking him what he would do if his daughter comes home pregnant. Without waiting for me to finish asking him the question, he declared that he would not only ensure she removes the pregnany but throw both of us out of his house. How do I handle this? The poor girl, who is preparing for her final examinations, is fearful of the reaction of her father. I don’t want her failing her examinations on account of the stubborn attitude of the father. How do I handle this situation? This is the time I wish I were her real mother because nobody would accuse me of supporting her to destroy her life. It is unfortunate she got pregnant but I know deep inside of me that she will be happy with her man. Already the young man and his family have indicated interest in coming to discuss marriage with us. I have pleaded for time, about a month to enable me sort things out with the father. Please help me make the right decision concerning this issue urgently. Celine. Dear Celine, She has already placed you in the position of her mother hence her confidence to come to you with the stories of everything happening in her life. You may not be her biological mother, but in the heart of this young woman, you are her mother. As long as you know you are acting in the best interest of this young lady, refuse to be discouraged by the remarks or attitude of your husband who in this matter is entitled to his opinion. The best way to get out of this is for you to stand your grounds by reminding him that as long as you are his wife, you are the mother of his daughter and that if he continues to ignore your role in the young lady’s life, he should not blame you if anything goes wrong. The fact that you have refused to react to his comments concerning your role in this young girl’s life is the reason you are at this crossroad. He has to know that she has turned out to be a young responsible woman because you also took her as your daughter. Honestly, the issue here isn’t so much of the pregnancy of the young lady, but that of you and your husband finding your equilibrium in your relationship. The absence of trust in your lives is what is on the top table and not the girl who is about to leave your nest to begin a life of her own. It is either your husband learns to trust your judgment concerning his daughter or you act as the true mother the girl has positioned you to be. There are no two ways about it. If she were your biological child, what would you do? Would you just watch her struggle with a situation most girls her age would have long found a solution to? Would you encourage her to abort the child to please the father or give her all the support she needs to write her final examination in peace while she plans for her wedding? This is the time she needs you the most, for you to play your role as only a true mother does. The man in question is your husband. Don’t be afraid to approach him. Even if he threatens to throw you out, ask him what is most important to him; his daughter or his principle? You are a woman, his wife for that matter. You must know the key to making him submit to your wishes. Every woman who knows her onion has the master key to her husband’s heart; it is a matter of good timing as well as going the extra mile to make him understand the issues you want him to consider. To help your daughter, it is important you find out why your husband is so difficult when it comes to issues affecting her. If you have never bothered to find out, this is the time to ask questions. No matter what his reasons are, let him understand that she is no longer a child. At 23, she has gone past the age of consent; moreso, she is in her final year and, about to finish her university education so what is the real issue? If she has avoided getting pregnant until now, there must be a reason for it now. Let him understand that apart from the child being his first grandchild, the young lady risks losing her life in the process as well. The thought of him losing her may make him change his mind. What more, the man responsible for the pregnancy is determined to marry her so what is the problem? It would have been a different thing and understandable of your fears if the man is denying paternity of the child or she is unable to point at any particular man. It is also important he hears it from you before he notices the condition of his daughter or someone else tells him. Encourage her to stay back in school until the issue is resolved by you. It would be so sad if you disappoint her by your fear of your husband. If at the end of the day, if he insists, report him to his family members or a very close friend Do anything to make him help his daughter achieve happiness in life. Whatever happens, stand by your daughter. There is no way your husband would drive both of you away from his house. Besides, there is no sacrifice too much for a mother to make for her daughter. Share your problem with Auntie Agatha. Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I slept with my husband’s driver, now I’m suffering

Dear Agatha, Several years ago, when I was searching for a child, I had an affair with my husband’s driver. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me but I blackmailed him into doing it by threatening him that I would lie against him that he came into my bedroom unannounced and uninvited to force himself on me. It took me almost six months to get him to finally agree to my proposal; as a matter of fact, I forced him the day my husband travelled out of town. He actually cried after he slept with me. Having done it once, it was easy for me to force him subsequently. That affair led to a pregnancy I passed on to my husband. I was happy because through him I became a mother. For that, I will ever be grateful to him but when the child was born, I engineered the sacking of the driver to cover the identity of the child. I didn’t want him suspecting the paternity of the child. At that point, I was beyond caring about the kind of lie I told; what mattered then was getting him sacked. So I lied to my husband that he stole my jewellery and money I forget inside the car. I said this because I knew it was the only way my husband would get rid of him. Even though deep down it was painful, I had to do it to protect my child from eventual ridicule hence developed the strength to confront him. Beyond protesting his innocence, he told me especially that something would happen later in life to warrant my coming back to beg him for forgiveness. I dismissed him and went about my normal life. After the birth of my first child and son, the others came in quick succession. I didn’t have to sleep with another man to have them. Deep down I owe my stay in my husband’s house to my first son. Apart from being brilliant, he was the favourite of his father. He graduated at a very early age of 20, finished serving at 21 and was already a member of the board of his father company when things suddenly changed. It all started one morning when he refused to come out of his room the day he was meant to represent his father at an important meeting with a minister in whose ministry they were pursuing a contract. His father had to attend the meeting, which was a good thing because by afternoon, he was already manifesting severe signs of mental disability. Since then there is no hospital we haven’t taken him to, including the Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba. There he was on admission for almost a month. All the drugs given him only made him worse until we had no choice but to take him away to a church on the counsel of my elder sister. We eventually ended up in a white garment church where I was told to produce his father if he is to be cured. According to them, only his father’s prayer would heal him of his strange illness. Needless to say, my marriage is hanging in the balance but that is the least of my problem. Through the help of our former driver’s friend my husband knew, we were able to trace him to his village where he now resides with his family. After explaining the reason we came to him, he laughed and told us to go back the way we came because he will never forgive me for denying him of his son. He said my son is the only male child he has. He said he won’t do what we want until I agree to sleep with him again as well as compensate him for the lies I told against him. I don’t want anything to happen to my son, please help me. Ajai Dear Ajai, Honestly, it is unfortunate that your son is the one suffering from the mess you made of your life. That child didn’t ask to be born at all; you made the choice to have him through the man you decided to sleep with. You also made the decision to step outside your marriage to sleep with this man who is now asking for his pound of flesh. Still trying in your quest to play God in your own life and the lives of others involved in the mess you have created, you decided to lie against an innocent man whose only crime was to agree to your request to sleep with you. You didn’t have to go to the extent you went. Your lies must have cost him so much pains and embarrassment especially as he didn’t sleep with you of his own free will. The truth is that you used your position as the wife of his boss to harass and destroyed a career that might have profited him more than the situation you forced him into. For him to have retired to the village underscores the kinds of hardship he must have gone through after he left the service of your husband. It is unfortunate that your son, who is innocent of the sin you committed is the one suffering for the decision you made to go outside your home in your search for a child. Had you waited patiently, all these wouldn’t have happened at all. There is no way like God’s way and desire. You didn’t get pregnant by the grace of sleeping with this man. You did because it was God’s time. That is why the other children came in quick succession. Furthermore, you shouldn’t have lied against him. How did it make you feel lying against an innocent man, the biological father of the baby you were carrying inside of you? There were better ways you could have disengaged him from the service of your husband without generating the amount of bad feelings you now have on your hands. There is no way you can resolve this problem without taking his son to him. There is an adage in Yoruba that says it is possible for a rich man to entice the wife of a poor man but impossible to inherit his child as well. Going to find him without his son, is like rubbing salt on an open wound. What did you expect? That he would agree to your demands without making demands of his own? Deep down, he has waited patiently to see his son. Even though you lacked the guts to inform him about the child, he must have known hence that sentence he left you with the day he was fired. Sincerely, going to plead with him without his son wasn’t right. It showed your pomposity as well as insensitivity to his feelings as the biological father of that child. Asking you to sleep with him before he can pray for his son is to hurt you as much as all your actions have hurt him. Like you, this man has blood running through his veins. If you were the one being treated with so much disdain and total disregard for everything you represent, how would you feel? Being poor isn’t an offence or a crime. He deserves respect and recognition. Go with your son the next time you visit him. He has been patient enough. Let him meet with his son and pray for him. That boy is his seed, his offspring and a demonstration of his strength as a man. Both of them deserve to know the truth about each other. Let the decision come from him on whether the boy should continue to stay with you or not. It isn’t in your place or that of your husband to make that decision for him. The decision of where his son stays must come from him. The issue here is that of integrity. The truth you have struggled to conceal is finally out so why make things more difficult for you and everyone involved in this matter? You have nowhere to hide anymore. Own up to your mistakes; apologise to this man, your husband and son. Beg for their forgiveness for messing up their lives. As for your husband, you need to really beg him because what you did is unpardonable. Not only did you betray your vows with him, but you foisted on him another man’s son. What you have done is to put the other children at risk. There is no way he would be convinced he is the father of the other children. You need the grace of God for him to forgive you. For now, learn to respect whatever his decisions are until time heals the wound created by your impatience and lack of faith in God. Good luck.

I am 19 while he is 27

Dear Agatha, I am a young lady of 19 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27 years old. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do and is the age difference not good enough for a relationship? Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, Unless you have graduated, your priority now should be your education. Plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life. This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship. The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honestly, the age difference between the two of you isn’t much but you are bothered about it because at your age, the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism while he at 27, is beginning to experience what reality is; their responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make. His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun. Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend out of him. he can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better. It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents. Good luck

I cannot attend his church

Dear Agatha, It is only God that will bless you in all you have been doing for many of us through this page. Agatha, I have this problem bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am a member of Assemblies of God Church. He told me he’ll allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on the 4th February, and since then his people have been pressurizing me to start attending his church. I am loved by all of them but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist on going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in protecting my marriage and life. Blessing. Dear Blessing, Who do you worship in your church? God or man? If God is who you worship in your church, is He different from the God, Catholics worship? Are you both not Christians; members of the family of Jesus Christ? Is the church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one read it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ? If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favor? At any rate, who is the founder of any Church? God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather he goes because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all knowing God who rules in heaven, makes all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if you both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both of you belief in God. Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband, to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way? How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families? Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home? The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth come from interacting with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted that person is. When you knew you weren’t going to attend his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage? Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing would be like cutting your nose to spite your face. Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit. The truth is, if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people. Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same church can’t stop your marriage from having problems; which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about; issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your union. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of a lifetime of happiness? Put yourself in a bondage God hasn’t placed on you all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you? For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband. Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practical and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship. Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems, where none ordinarily exists. From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a coat of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband. The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenges difficult. That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists that she will not attend the same church as your son? These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it. Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.

I detest him after being intimate with him

Dear Agatha, I am 15 years of age in love with a boy who is 17. On the night of 31st of December last year, I got drunk and seduced him against his earlier stance that he cannot be seduced. By the time I finished with him, I lost every feelings I had for him but he has been apologising for what happened between us. Currently, he isn’t feeling too well but I don’t feel anything for him at all. What do I do? Stella. Dear Stella, There is something definitely wrong somewhere. If at 15, when you should be in school, studying and insuring your future, you are busy getting drunk and thinking of how to seduce men; then a whole of things have definitely gone askew with your values. What kind of life are you planning for yourself? What kind of woman and mother are you planning to be? What kind of child are you to your parents? At 15, you have no business falling in love let alone seducing men. What if you got pregnant from that night? What would happen to you and your dreams? If at your age, you begin the journey of aborting unwanted pregnancies, what would you do in a decade from now when you would be only 25 years of age? If at this age you have started to drink to the point of being drunk to seduce a man, I shudder to think of the kind of lifestyle you would veer into when you are a little older? If you have started to seduce men at this age, what would you do when you get into the university or begin work? Have you sat to think of the effects of this kind of lifestyle you are beginning so early on your life and appearance as you get older? Have you thought of how this kind of life can completely deny you of that kind of good life every woman dreams of? No matter what a woman choices are when she is young, somewhere deep in every woman, is the dream to meet her knight in shinning armour. What if you meet him and your past comes up to destroy it, who would you blame? The talebearers or you who made the choice to harm your own life? The pity of the whole situation is the tragedy to you own life at the end of the day. The various men you succeed in seducing have nothing to lose or reputation to protect. You being the woman, has everything to lose because no man wants to end up with a woman with such a vast history of experience. While all these men would have no qualms coming to you for relaxation when they need it, none of them would want to marry you because in their opinion, you aren’t the kind of girl men take home to their mothers. This boy may not know why he is begging you but, it is in your interest you listen to him. You may not be so lucky next time if your victim is smarter and stronger than you. You may end up the victim of men who would gang rape you. What you started as an adventure might end up becoming a nightmare. For your own sake and in the interest of your tomorrow, begin to reconsider your kind of lifestyle because as a young woman, you haven’t even started the journey of adulthood at all. Before it is too late, sit down and reflect on your life. Ask yourself the all important question of what kind of future you want. Look around you for positive examples of women who have made the difference in life. Any thing you do that you cannot openly boost of, don’t do it because at your age you are prone to making mistakes because of the different hormones rioting in your body. Adulthood is about control these hormones. You must develop the will power to restrain them from messing up your life else you end up being the scorn of not just your friends but your family as well who would always mock your inability to bring them honour like those friends of yours who were able to defeat the potency of their hormones. The pride of every woman is her ability to contain her feelings else she becomes the mockery of womanhood. It is never too late for you to begin the process of rebuilding and refocusing your life. It is the beauty of being young; the advantage you have above older women whose mistakes cannot be corrected. Go back to your studies. Your education can earn you any man you want, give your economical powers to take charge of your life. If at the end of all your education, your choice remains dominating men, at least age would have given you that power to do so. But for now, resist the demon of destruction if you love your life. Good luck.

She has embarrassing dentition

Dear Agatha, May God bless you for the good job you are doing. I am a man of 28 years of age, dating a lady of 23. We love each other so much and I intend to make her my wife soon but what I don’t like about her is her teeth, she has brown teeth and when I asked her the cause of it, she told me that she grew up in the village where nobody taught her to brush her teeth. Agatha, I want to take her home to meet my parents but want to do something to whiten her teeth before she meets my family. A friend of mine advised me to take her to a dental clinic where she will have her teeth polished but I don’t know if it will work. That is why we decided to seek for your help to know if there’s any solution to this issue that makes it difficult for my girlfriend to smile or laugh in public. I know that her good character matters most but the solution to this challenge also matters a lot to us too. Arinze. Dear Arinze, Yes, there are chemicals that can whiten the teeth but your best bet remains the office of a dentist. Beyond the ability of the dentist’s chemical, be careful in your bid to get her teeth sparkling not to further hurt her. if care is not taken, you may end up destroying whatever confidence she has in herself especially if she thinks you may leave her if not perfect solution is found for her challenge. It is therefore important that you conceal from her your worries about the condition of her teeth. After all, you saw the state of her teeth before asking her out. Therefore, you should not be overtly bothered about what people would say about her. I say this to avoid you being disappointed if the stains are the kind that cannot be completely eradicated. She needs your strength and encouragement to go ahead with her life. This is because a lot of people would take their cue from your reactions to her condition just like she too would. But the moment you begin to experience embarrassment, treat her with a feeling of rejection around people, you make it impossible for her to grow the kind of confidence every woman needs to make her home work or give her husband the kind of peace to be happy in the marriage. This is why you must be very clear in your intentions towards her. Ask yourself, this all important question, what if the stains cannot be vanished from her teeth, would you still want to have her permanently in your life? Would you gloss over her good qualities and let go of her because of this problem? Do you have what it takes to love her unconditionally? I ask all these questions to help you place the important things in the first burner because in marriage, certain things are more important than what one’s looks are. True love must be brave enough to overcome physical challenges. Inner beauty and attributes are most vital in procuring a happy and stable marriage. For the sake of both of you, honest answers to these questions are more important than the issue whether or not her teeth are of the right colours. It is only after you find the right answers to these questions that you should consider taking her home to your family. The state of her teeth may just be God’s way of helping you realize the important things about life. Good luck.

I want a divorce

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha I wish to commend you on the great job you are doing, I am 30 years of age and in relationship with a lady who is a year older than I am. I met her during my job interview. I got attracted to her when her boss asked her to interview me for the job. I finally got the job and in my second month on the job. She resigned to go for her youth service. On her first visit to my place she told me about her past. From her story she has suffered several disappointments from her previous relationships and desired to settle down as time wasn’t on her side. At first, I was afraid to commit myself into the relationship because I am in my final year in higher institution and not ready financially, but she promised to support me and even told me we don’t need an elaborate wedding. She later went for her service that year and a month to the completion of her service she got pregnant for me. We did our introduction but my mother did not attend because she was not happy with me. After the event and the birth of my child, I apologised to her, she recieved the new baby and the mother. She took care of them in my sister’s house who lost her husband few months before the baby was born. I provided financial support from my meagre salary until my wife and child finally moved to my place three months later. Our baby recently clocked eight months. I still find it difficult to save because my salary can’t take us till the end of the months. I asked her to find something to do but she hasn’t been able to find anything. We sometimes argue over this. She finally decided to move to her parents’ house where she believes she can meet her friends and talk to some members of her church. Before our introduction, a prophet told me our relationship will be fine as long as I can serve and take care of her. I didn’t take it serious because I believe God has the final say. I still have a future ahead of me, now with a child in my custody, I am thinking of divorce so I can focus on other things I need to do and as well as build on my financial stable to enable me care for the baby. From the behavior of my wife, it is obvious she doesn’t understand me at all. What do I do? Troubled Soul. Dear Troubled Soul, Understanding in a marriage isnt what happens in just one day neither has it got to do with age. It takes a length of time for a couple to achieve the kind of understanding that would stop them from thinking about the immediate. You and your woman are at this cross road because both of you have failed to understand that a good marriage is a product of tremendous sacrifices. Both of you must be ready to go the extra mile for the other to be happy. While you must make the effort to understand her kind of person, her training and culture, she must know that nothing good comes without painful choices. The notion that marriage is a happy ever after journey is all wrong. There can’t ever be a happy ending without that period of planting. What we sow in the beginning of our marital journey is what we reap as the years roll by. If both of you are unable to plant patience and support for each other’s efforts, you may never be able to get that kind of life you both wish to have. Frankly, this hasn’t got so much to do with money at the end of it all, rather, it has to do with who you both are and really want from the union. You must admit that as at the time you both met and agreed to marry, you in particular were unprepared for it, particularly in terms of vision and the finance for it. Your first mistake was to have allowed yourself to be sucked into a situation you were ill prepared for. At the time she told you she would support you, you should have asked her the kind of assistance she was ready to provide. In marriages, there are various kinds of backings a man or woman can offer the spouse. If the only assistance she promised you was to get married given the fact that she was desperate to be off the shelf, she has done that. At that point, you should have thought of how you would both survive after the wedding ceremony. If there is anyone to blame, who didn’t properly understand the issues involved, you are. As the man, you should have gone beyond the matter of her help to how you would sustain the marriage. Had you given this marriage thing serious thought from the moment she confided the story of her life, the pregnancy wouldn’t have happened when it did. You would have known that combining your studies, with work and starting a home needed more detailed plannings. The truth is that you allowed this woman push you into a situation you were ill prepared for. You should have been more firm and definite about the patterns you want in your life especially as you were still in school and she just finishing her youth service. There is no way your salary would have been enough given the qualification you presented. Your major mistake was not in being firm at all. Every man that hopes to be the head of a home must first of all master the act of staying focused with that comes the determination to put his woman in check. Whatever it is you are trying to correct is coming a little bit late. In the first instance, there is the issue of the baby who will be the one to suffer if any rash decision on your parts. For the sake of this baby, you and your wife must sit down to re-draw, reshape and plan of your lives. To get the desired results, you must forget divorce and begin to act as the man. If she pressured you into a marriage you weren’t prepared for, you owe it to yourself as a man and your child to resist her attempts to make you end this marriage against your will. That child needs both of you at this delicate stage of life. It is for the sake of this child that you should go the extra mile to ensure things work out between the two of you. unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way every member of her family would support her decision to come back home. Since both of you went through the process of traditional marriage, you must know one or two members of her family that would listen to you. go to these people to explain your challenges with their daughter as well as what led to her packing out of the house. Explain your handicap, including the fears you expressed at the very beginning. Your coming and explanation would help give them the necessary background information into the whole issue between you and their daughter. Beyond the issue of her marrying to satisfy her aging biological clock, you must find out from her, what her take on marriage is generally. There is no way you can guess from the cover of a book its content. What you have is only an image of this woman who happens to be your wife. You need to dig deeper to find her real substance. Finding out who she really is as well as her thoughts concerning marriage would give you an idea of how to tackle the issue between the two of you. To act as an incentive, remember the good times you had together. Something good must have occured between the two of you to make that baby happen; at times like this, it always helps to go back in time to that special period. It aids resolution of disagreement easier to resolve. There is also the need to get your mother and sister to talk to her. When discussing with her, do more of the listening to enable you get a clear picture of what is going on in her mind. You can only talk of divorce when every effort at making things work between the two of you fails. In addition, you must find ways of introducing friendship into your relationship with her. If both of you have started as friends, you both would have found the equilibrium to exercise more patience for your union to graduate beyond its current challenge. What you both want in your marriage takes years to achieve. Good luck.

My wife and sister fight all the time

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just seven years old. I am 38 while my wife is 32. We have two children and we are both working. Until the development I am about to share with you, I enjoyed peace because we both agreed we weren’t going to have any family member stay with us. I actually insisted on this following the breakdown of my elder brother’s marriage as a result of family interference. But I couldn’t resist asking my twin sister to move in with me when she also developed challenges in her own marriage. Although we aren’t identical twins we have always been very close. I couldn’t stand by and watch her suffer at all. I actually went to her husband’s house to pack her things. Our parents are both dead and my elder brother was going through his own challenges so my place was the only one left for her to stay. Besides, she didn’t have money to rent a place of her own just as I could also not afford it because we had just moved into our own house which was an on-going project. Even though I admit making the mistake of not first discussing with my wife before bringing my sister home, I thought she would understand the situation. That night, there was nothing she didn’t say to me when I told her that my twin would be staying with us until she was financially and emotionally strong enough to stand on her own, after all the house is big enough to accommodate us all comfortably. To say the least, I was disappointed with her total response to my sister’s situation. I don’t know if it informed her hard-line posture against her feelings on the matter but I told her that if she wasn’t pleased with my sister’s stay in the house she was welcome to go. I honestly didn’t mean it the way it came out because over 60 percent of the funds used in building the house, including the plot came from her. I just said that to keep her quiet and communicate the seriousness of my position to her. Unfortunately it caught her on the wrong side because from that point, she withdrew into her shell. She stopped asking me anything about the house and when I ask her for financial assistance, she would tell me, she doesn’t have any money with her. She also stopped using the family car I bought and instead started using hers. But the most challenging problem of all is the relationship between her and my sister who right in my presence has threatened to beat her up. I know my sister is a handful but my wife is not making things easy by her attitude. She doesn’t communicate with anyone at home except with her children and house-help. Whenever she sees my sister and I discussing, rather than join in, she would either sit or turn back. The last one happened when my sister who doesn’t take too much pepper complained about the quantity of pepper in her food. Instead of my wife apologising or offering an explanation, she completely ignored my sister who got annoyed and lashed out at her. It was an ugly development because my wife also talked back to her resulting into my sister slapping my wife who also retaliated. The reason I am writing is my wife’s refusal to apologise to my sister. She said she would rather end the marriage than do that. I love my wife but is it too much to ask if I tell her to apologise to my sister who is older than she is? I don’t understand why she is being difficult and stubborn about my sister’s presence in our home. Muyiwa. Dear Muyiwa, She has every reason to behave the way she is doing because you betrayed her. You went against a decision you in particular took without any considerations for her feelings or person. You didn’t act fairly towards her. In her shoes, would you endure or tolerate the situation? Marriage is about giving each other respect and consideration. You disrespected your wife by bringing your sister into your house without first telling her. You failed to reason with her by giving the option of packing out of the house if she wasn’t pleased with the decision you took. The mere fact that you went that far is enough for any woman to close her mind to all that is happening around her. That statement was careless and insensitive. The interpretation any woman would give to it is that you value your sister more than her and that her opinions are worthless to you. For a woman who contributed up to 60 percent to the cost of putting up the house, you didn’t act well towards her. Granted you reserve the right to bring anybody into your house but it is also her right to be told. There is no way you can bring anyone into your house without first seeking her consent especially someone whose stay is indefinite. She is the woman in the house whose duty it is to care for the person you are bringing in. By virtue of her position as the homemaker, she could make life very unbearable for your guest if she isn’t happy with the person. Honestly, you are a lucky man; your wife is a very rare woman not to have told your sister and the whole world whose money was more in the construction of the house. Right from the moment you threatened her, a very troublesome woman would have gone up in arms against you; accusing you of wanting to cheat her out of her investment. Trust me, your sister wouldn’t have been able to stay to complain about pepper if your wife fell into that category of women. Ask yourself if your sister would have tolerated what you are making your wife go through simply because you want to please your twin sister at all cost. You have already humiliated her enough; don’t insist on her apologising to your sister who in the first place had no right to slap your wife. If she has any respect for you, she would not have done that at all. The best she would have done was not to eat the food by excusing herself from the table. What did she hope to achieve by complaining about pepper in your presence if it wasn’t to cause commotion in your home? If her intentions were right, she would have secretly called your wife to point out her observations. The truth is you now have two wives living with you. Even though one is your sister, she is determined to ruin your marriage to your wife. Although you two appear to have a lot in common but as the man, you must learn to be reasonable in your actions. Your marriage doesn’t have to fail simply because your twin’s marriage did. Whatever it will cost you, move her away from your home if you truly love your wife as you claim. You and your twin sister are too much alike for any woman to cope with. Your marriage won’t survive for much longer if you insist on foisting your sister on your wife and marriage. She is your twin but you are now a married man with responsibilities of your own. Sincerely, this is the time for you to be truthful to yourself. Given the attitude she has put up so far, do you still think her husband was wrong in whatever actions he took against her? Do you think you were right to have taken her away from her home? Isn’t it high time you took her back to her husband to make peace between them? Don’t wait until your marriage is beyond redemption before you do what is right. Don’t protect your sister at the detriment of your own home and happiness. If your sister wants respect, she has to learn to give it to people around her. Follow this by apologising to your wife for every pain you have caused her. Indeed you haven’t been fair to her at all. The onus is on you to make your home happy. Good luck

We have difficulties finding words to say to each other

Dear Agatha, My relationship is a year old even though my boyfriend and I had been friends for six years before we started dating. I really love him but we are both schooling in different countries. While he is in England, I am in a German university. This arrangement started some few months ago. We met while in high school and could spend hours chatting with each other. Since the commencement of this distant relationship, things haven’t been the same. Unlike before, we appear not to have anything to say to each other. We run dry of words to say these days. In addition, I have the problem of sexual emotions to contend with. Nowadays I experience these strong urges to masturbate because I am always thinking of having sex with my boyfriend. I am an Indian girl so, really hard for me to do anything that will cause my father to be ashamed of me. I haven’t told my father that I’m dating as he would stop my studies and get me married off to an Indian man. My father has a very strong Indian cultural mind and as my English boyfriend is younger than I am, my father would never agree. Well the questions are, what should I do to control my urges which are becoming stronger by the day? What should I do to be able to talk to my boyfriend for more than five minutes or go beyond the lines of “how are you?” or “how was your day?” Could you also please advice me on how to deal with the situation as my boyfriend wants to talk to my father just to introduce himself so that my father starts liking him and allows him to be my boyfriend? Knowing my father, he will take it the wrong way; he could order me to marry him immediately. I am not against marrying my boyfriend but we are both young to think about it for now; besides, we just started our university education and would want to get a job before even thinking about that. I have gotten myself into a complicated situation which makes me so confused on how to proceed. Please help me. Tania. Dear Tania, The most important thing is the kind of future you want for yourself. More than anything else in life, that should be your focus. It is what you invest in your life now that comes to play in your later years. Every relationship has its transition period; your relationship is going through that period. This kind of period helps it to grow and appreciate in value. Without you both going through this phase, there will be no story to tell. Unless you are both not serious about pursuing a future for your relationship, you must learn to endure this period as you are both investing in the future you plan together. For this reason, learn to control all your urges. Even though these urges are concomitant to our nature as human beings, you must shroud them in envelops of self control. You are a young woman whose future is interwoven by the choices you make today. Without you making some essential sacrifices, including self denial, you will end up being distracted so much so you could lose concentration on your studies. This is why you must fight those urges and not allow them push you into a habit that might end up becoming your doom. Granted if one has been sexually active for a while and is suddenly separated from his or her partner as you are now, loneliness can shove the person into situations he or she would ordinarily not contemplate if with his her partner. But be careful you don’t develop a habit that will cause a secondary problem for you when your partner is back. Though most adults have at one time or the other engaged in some sorts of self expression, not everybody can manage it. A lot of people end up becoming addicts of an inclination meant to bring temporary ease. Therefore, learn to divert your mind from sex. Though not an easy task especially at night or when with two love birds, by channeling your attention to an interest that is totally engaging, will help remove your mind from sex or your loneliness. This is the point you get to, that you ask yourself what other thing apart from lovemaking gives you pleasure. In addition to the usual mercy of a cold bath, throwing yourself into a hobby you like the most, would provide you with the necessary diversion to cope with your loneliness. The tension of sex can sometimes impede fluent communication between lovers who live apart. Therefore, it is important, you both get this out of the way by sincerely discussing how the distance is affecting your moods; there is no harm in telling him how it is affecting you including the bit about you wanting to masturbate. By being frank with yourselves, discussing as sincerely as possible will go a long way in helping both of you rediscover what it was like between the two of you when you were both friends. The reason communication is stalling between both of you is the lack of knowledge on how to import the ease of your friendship into your romance. Although friends, you don’t know anything about your romantic natures beyond sex. Now that distance has caused a kind of separation between both of you, as the woman, you must dig into your communication skill to keep the relationship going until you are able to meet to discuss in persons. Discussion could also be elongated by making him talk about his environment, his lectures, new friends, the kinds of situations he is in and what makes university different from high school. By comparing notes with each other, you will have more than enough to say. It is a matter of being innovative and sincere at every point. Once you are able to break the few ice blocks romance has placed on your way, communication would become easier and more interesting between the two of you. As for your daddy, what is the essence of telling him when you and your man haven’t talked about having a future together? Besides, it is early days yet to be sure of where the relationship is leading to. Given the kind of culture in your country, impress it on your boyfriend to exercise patience to be sure you both want the same things and have an idea of what marriage is all about. It is only when you are sure that you should tell your father about him because the worst kind of mistake a young person can make is to introduce the wrong man or woman to his or her parents. Every parent wants to be sure his or her child has come home with the right man or woman. Until you are sure, learn to conduct your affair with a measure of responsibility. The joy of every parent is to have a daughter who knows her worth in gold. Even though you have become sexually active your graduating with very good result will make your father and family very proud of your achievement. If you cannot give your family or husband the gift of your womanhood, you can give them the gift of an excellent academic performance, even as you conduct your relationship with your boyfriend. It is always better to avoid certain messy situations with one’s family. It is called wisdom of choice. Keep encouraging your boyfriend until such a time you think it is right for him to meet with your father. Besides, it is you he should try to impress first before meeting with your father. If both of you are having difficulties conversing, that should worry him more than the issue of him meeting with your father. There would be no relationship at the end of the day to take home to your daddy if both of you don’t first get your acts together. This is what you must really emphasis on. Finally, learn to take your relationship one day at a time. Like a growing child, it must evolve naturally to the height you both want to take it to. Appreciate every stage your relationship is going through; it helps to stabilize and keep things exciting in a relationship. This way, you avoid confusion that comes from putting too many things on the front burner. For now, concentrate on you and your boyfriend getting to discover your strengths and abilities as two young persons who are in love and forced by distance to conduct a workable relationship. Getting your families involved would only cause unnecessary distractions at this vital stage. Good luck.

She is too dirty

Dear Agatha, My wife is the dirtiest woman I have ever met in life. It is so bad, I don’t bother bringing visitors to the home. Despite having pipe-borne water in the house, her kitchen is always littered with used plates, pots, spoons and cups. Sometimes, the pile could be seven days old. The toilets are as black as the dustbin. Imagine a situation where water flows freely in the house and she finds it difficult to flush the toilet. Sometimes, I would have bedbugs creeping out from my clothes in pubic places. To avoid such embarrassments, I took to keeping my clothes in the car. When I tried moving into the visitor’s room, she fought me all the way insisting that we must share a room together. That room has become like a junkyard that I wouldn’t know where to begin even if I insist on converting it into my room. Her personal hygiene too isn’t any better. She smells as she finds it very difficult to properly wash her body. My children are all boys hence can’t do much. As a matter of fact, her dirty habits prompted me to put my children in boarding school. Severally I tried getting house-helps but none of them stayed for more than a month because of the workload as well as her temper and suspicious mind. If she isn’t accusing me of trying to befriend these girls, she would find the smallest excuse to beat and harass them for one imaginary offence or the other. This provoked me, after years of complaining about her attitude and hygiene, to marry another woman. Most times, I stay over at the new woman’s house. Three years ago, I officially paid her dowry and she has a set of twins for me. I am very happy with her. My sons know about her and sometimes come to meet me at her place. She is known to my family and friends. In the last one year, I have stayed less and less with my first wife. I took pains to give you this background to make you appreciate the depth of my problem. My marriage to her is 20 years old. We got married under the native laws and customs of our people. About three weeks ago, she went to my second wife’s house to beat her up; as a matter of fact, one of the children is in the hospital now as I speak. She was hit by an object my first wife threw. I give God the glory that she is recovering from the injury and that it didn’t leave any permanent damage. Since the incident my family members have told her to go. My elder sister, who all the while has kept away from my home and affairs, is leading those who want her out. I am equally fed up of the whole thing. But my second wife is insisting that she would end our marriage if I drive away the first wife. She said, it would be unfair for me to drive her away after all these years. She is very adamant about it. Meanwhile my first wife is not repentant at all. She is threatening to deal with me, my second wife and her children. The church too has suspended me from my elder position because of the issue of having a second wife. It is really the least of my problem but my disappointment with the church leadership is their refusal to even give me a hearing. Their position is either I drive away my second wife or nothing. They want me to keep my first wife at all cost irrespective of everything she has done. A member of the elders’ council said concerning my daughter who is in hospital that my first wife was provoked beyond reason and that the church should overlook that matter. I felt and still feel bad because if that child had died or sustained a permanent injury, the leadership of the church would have also have described her act as extreme provocation. I need your help in this matter. Alfred. Dear Alfred, I am sure the issue of your first wife’s state of hygiene didn’t start after marriage. A woman with the kind of hygiene problem you described would have manifested some of it during your courtship years. It is either you didn’t notice them or that you decided to ignore them thinking you could cope as the years rolled by. Often that not, the silence-acceptance and tolerance of our partner’s short comings at the nascent stage of relationships turn out to be the bane of the union in later years. Today, you are facing so many issues in your marriage because you elected to turn blind eyes to an issue you should have handled with the seriousness it deserved at the early stage of your relationship. Had you done that, a lot of the ugly issues you are today battling with, would never have arisen at all. Given the picture you have painted of her, getting her to change might be difficult. This is because she is long set in her ways to change from who she current is, to what you want her to become. It is like a concrete mixture which once set, is impossible to shape. Her habit has permeated every pores of her body and life. To hope for her to change at this stage of her life is to wait endlessly for something that won’t happen. The only thing that would make her change is personal determination. But because she really doesn’t see anything bad in the habit she has nurtured all her life, she won’t. To her, she is normal; you are the one calling her ways unhygienic. So something has to make her change and that is her love for you. Unfortunately, you both lost it and forgot the reason for your coming together. You got too pre-occupied with her dirty habit; so much so, you got blinded to her good nature. Your inability to properly situate your feelings for her might have made her stubborn and too angry to change as a form of protest. In the process of trying to adjust into each other, you lost each other; bitterness and disappointment crept into your marriage. This has made it impossible for both of you to apply reason and find solutions to the crisis you are currently having in your marriage. Unfortunately, rather than find workable solution, you took another wife thereby complicating an already complex situation. Even though some people may argue that you had no choice but, the truth remains had you desired a workable solution, you could have done, irrespective of the condition of your home. As a man, you could have applied yourself more by getting a young man to come twice in a week to clean up your home since she was having issues with house-girls. The excuse that she insisted on sharing a room with you isn’t tenable. At that point, you should have told her exactly how you felt, how you have had it with bedbugs creeping out of your clothes everyday at work, how embarrassed of your home you were and how difficult you find living in a dumpsite is. These words though would have hurt her, would also have made her think sufficiently as to want to make a change in her attitude and disposition to her home. No woman wants to lose her home to another woman. That would have been sufficient reasons for you to justify your relocation to the guest room; a move you would have used in teaching her what good hygiene is. Although going to your second wife to fight her to the extent of injuring an innocent child isn’t right but you also didn’t behave right by taking another woman as wife. If you have been married to her for 20 years, it means you cannot totally absolve yourself from the mess your home and wife are. To some extent, you are also dirty to have endured staying in a house as dirty as the one you described. Frankly, it shows your weakness as a man. If you had from the very beginning put your feet down, applied yourself as the man of the house, the situation in your home wouldn’t have degenerated to this level. The church can only advise and not insist on how you manage your home. However, the truth remains that as the head of your home, you owe it to yourself to define your happiness. You are the one wearing the shoes hence knows the most painful point. Good enough you married the two women under the native laws and customs of our land. This means you are free to practice polygamy. No matter how much the children from your first marriage love your second wife, they will never be happy if you throw their mother out of your life, which means, a meeting of everyone in the family has to be called to sort things out. Don’t forget she has given you 20 years of her life, whatever her shortcomings maybe. In the worst case scenario, you will lose your position as an elder but negotiate peace in your home. Get the two women and their children together. By now, your first wife must have realized her mistakes. Every woman will react the way she has done if in her shoes; no woman wants a mate. Don’t forget under her pile of dirt and imperfection, is the woman you once loved and cared for. Your angel wife today could turn out to be something else tomorrow. It is only you that can help yourself to be happy. Good luck.