Before I’m sacrificed for our daughters’ failed marriages…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am in my late 50s. I have three children, two girls and a boy. They are all married. But my daughters are both back home. Their marriages didn’t last for more than a year. The first one was brought home with her child by her husband 18 months into her marriage. He told me when I asked what the problem was that I didn’t do any work on my daughter. He has since filed for a divorce and set to marry another woman. His, people when I called, told me to keep my daughter. The mother actually described her as being useless and very rude. My second daughter didn’t last as long as her elder sister. Barely six months into their marriage, her husband and his mother came to complain about her conduct. Without holding anything back, they told me that my daughter couldn’t even boil water hot. That since they married her, she hasn’t been able to cook a meal for the husband forcing them to eat outdoor every day. They also complained about her dirty habits and very rude disposition towards everybody, including her parents-in-law. She came home about two months after that visit. All the while, my husband didn’t say anything; he just kept a distance and stony silence. It was almost as if he didn’t notice our daughter was back home. The only time he said anything to anybody at home was when the grandchild demanded for his attention. But all these changed when our second daughter came back home. There was nothing he didn’t say to me. In his opinion I am responsible for everything happening to our daughters. He called me a bad mother who destroyed the lives of our daughters. He said, since I didn’t allow anyone to correct them when they needed the corrections; I should find ways of undoing all the damage I have done. He has given me six months to effect the change or quit his home with my daughters. He has actually stopped sleeping in the house, actually moved to the house he rented for his second wife. He married her following a huge disagreement we had over my attitude towards my children. He told everybody that cared to listen then that he wanted to secure his old age. I don’t know what to do with my daughters. Not even their brother is on our side. He too, like his father, is blaming me for their failed marriages. I have prayed and fasted over these problems, but the situation is the same. I don’t know where to begin at all or who to turn to. It is like somebody has put a shroud of hate over my daughters. Nobody from their husbands’ families has come to look or plead for them. My pastor says I should continue to pray that the storm will blow away, but I am afraid because the husband of the second one, I heard, is also planning to get married. Please help me. I don’t want my husband to gloat over what is happening to my daughters especially if the daughters of his second wife have successful homes. Worried Mother. Dear Worried Mother, No amount of prayers and fasting will undo the damage you have done yourself and daughters if you don’t take positive steps at correcting them. What is happening to your children isn’t spiritual at all. You are at the root of their problems. They have become problems to you because you failed as a mother to equip them with property for their roles as wives, mothers and companions of their husbands. Daughters, when they become wives, are the kind of training mothers gave them by what they said to them or did in their presence when young. If your husband took on another wife because of your behaviour, then it follows that your daughters got their attitudes from your behaviour as well as training. A wise woman at the point her husband took another wife for the reasons your husband gave would have sat down to do a lot of deep reflections. Had you done that, it would have saved you these many embarrassments your daughters’ conducts are putting on you. Their father can afford to issue ultimatum because your duty as a mother is to shape positively the lives of your children. This is the time for you to give them the right training else you will never be able to hold your head high in the family. Rather than worry about your stepchildren’s marital viability, concentrate on ensuring that you undo all the wrong things you have done. It is when you do the right thing that God can hear your prayers concerning them. The first thing is to teach them how to be good mothers and wives. As a mother how did you feel hearing that your daughter cannot cook for her husband? If your son’s wife weren’t doing the things he expected of her as a wife, would you be happy? Let your daughter realise that there is more to marriage than sex and having children. A man must be in a right frame of mind to function as a husband. Teach them how to cook, clean their homes and how to talk to their in-laws. Take a look at your marriage: are you really happy at the way things have turned out? Do you think your husband would have married the other woman if you were half the woman you were created by God to be? The fact that your husband has gone to live with the other woman on account of the shame your daughters have become shows that the other woman is a better manager of her children and devotion to her husband. The two families your daughters married into returned them not just because they can’t cook, but also because they are lacking in respect. A woman without respect, no matter how good looking she is or great a lover will not last in her husband’s house. If the in-laws decide to look the other way, the husband won’t. He will overtime find himself a woman who is respectful. Let them know the importance of respect to everyone. Being married yourself you know how important a man’s family is to him. There is no way your husband would have married another wife if his family hadn’t thrown their weight behind him. That woman is happy today as a result of the support she enjoys from your in-laws. In the same way, they are refusing to come to your aid because of your own attitude towards them. This is something prayers cannot change. Sit your girls down and do everything humanly possible to educate them on the value and benefits of showing respect to people. It helps to dim one’s faults and makes favour easy to get. I am sure if these ladies were respectful, one or two persons would have offered to help teach them how to cook or go out of his or way to plead their cases. A woman lacking in respect is like a chicken without feathers. Respect is what gives a woman flavour and character in the sight of her husband and in-laws. Let them learn how to value people. Those things you neglected to teach them as young girls should be taught them now. As long as they are willing to learn and you know what to do, things will work out right for all of you in the end. The real challenge is for you to get past your inherent pride. Go with your daughter to beg their father, so he can bless them. Plead with him to help you with your children, because what you don’t have, you cannot give. This is the time you need his discipline and wisdom to help your daughters move on with their lives. There is no way he would gloat because they are his children. Contrary to what you think, he is simply said at the things happening to them. He holds you, and not his daughters, responsible. Without the right foundations, they will continue to suffer failed marriages. Allow anybody who can help you with their reformation do it despite their ages. They are still capable of being happy with other men if they get it right this time around. Encourage them to take lessons in cooking. They can engage the services of someone who cooks well to teach them how to cook various meals while you insist they clean their own mess. For instance, if you have house-helps helping with the house, let your daughters clean their own rooms. Stop indulging them; scold them when they put up an attitude by reminding them that you won’t tolerate rudeness or laziness in your home. Chances are if you make the house too comfortable for them, without occasional reminders that you are uncomfortable with their presence in your home, they may never realise the need to change for the better. Let the one who has a child take full responsibility for the care of her child. As a mother, admit to your own failures in their predicaments. Once you are able to do that, you will come to enjoy them through prayers and fasting. Good luck.