Sunday, April 12, 2009

Is Love Meaningful Without Sex?


Dear Agatha,


I am 28 years of age, a fresh graduate and currently working temporarily with a company at Awka pending when I would go for the compulsory national youth service.

My problem is, in all the relationships I have had so far, I had always invested more in procuring happiness for the girls I date.

On my part, I have never tried having sex with any of them or benefited in other ways from these relationships because I am of the view that they have nothing to give me.

My question is, since I am not the type that demands sex, what is the essence of going into a relationship with a girl? To be frank with you, this particular issue has started creating a cold spirit in me about women generally.

Secondly, is it wise for me at my age to start searching for a life partner or a relationship that may lead to marriage particularly as my three elderly brothers are still unmarried?

Ugo.


Dear Ugo,

Sex is not the only reason we go into relationships. As a matter of fact when starting a relationship, sex is the least important in that it doesn’t add value to the initial foundation of a relationship. When a relationship is premised on sex, it ends up very deficient in the other important qualities needed to make it work well.

Premature sex blinds a couple to fundamental issues staring them in the relationship. This is because most times, dating couples use sex to mask problems they ordinarily have nipped in the bud due to fear of losing the intimacy and fulfillment sex gives.

Oftentimes, the ignored problems turn out to be the nightmare of the relationship. For the young couple, sex is too powerful to manage with the effective growth of a relationship. This is why the young have formed the habit of migrating from one relationship to another with the hope of finding better sex than with the previous partner. For most young persons, especially women, the focus only changes from sex to marriage as the clock ticks away.

This becomes a problem later because all the years that would have gone into preparations are spent in the bedroom on an event that lacks the power to steady a relationship at the end of the day.

This is not to say sex isn’t important but at the initial stage of a relationship, it isn’t as important as studying the character of your partner and knowing your limitations as human beings.

Every relationship should ideally go through all the stages before it peaks at sex. It should have a primary, secondary as well as the tertiary stages. The tertiary stage is the one that leads to marriage, the time when sex becomes the icing on the cake.

The essence of you going into a relationship now is to provide you with the opportunity of knowing who you intend spending the rest of your life with vis-à-vis your outlook to life, temperament, attitude as well as values.

Coming from different families, there is no disputing the fact you each come with different ideologies, values, customs as well as attitudes. Being humans, there is no way you can have the same temperaments or solutions to an issue. These things take time to arrive at a consensus that would be agreeable to both of you.

Having lived with your habits for long, giving them up would naturally not come easy hence the sense in having a relationship. It is to allow the marriage the freedom to grow along the line of understanding. With the massive responsibilities marriage confers on the couple coupled with the expectation of starting a family, only few marriages can survive the encumbrances of learning the first ropes.

This is the stage many marriages collapse even before their first anniversary. Having a relationship takes the strain off leaving couples with less complication to tackle in the early days of marriage.

It also gives dating couple enough time to make and perfect their plans for the future. Time is always of essence in any relationship.

Once couples fritter away precious time, getting the opportunity of that time to make their dreams come true may never again present itself especially if they have gone into marriage.

In addition to this, comes the all important opportunity of being good friends. Marriage makes lovers of couples but relationship makes them friends.

You must have enough time to be your partner’s friend, confidant, helper, supporter, cheerleader, think-tank, companion before marriage sets in. These are the emotions that are integral to marital success, than give optimum enjoyment as well as satisfaction to the important issue of why people marry. Marriage is more of companionship than anything else and if unfortunate to pick a mate who fails to give joy, peace and support at home, it becomes difficult for any meaningful development or achievement to be recorded in such home. This puts a great impediment in the spiritual, emotional and psychological growth of the union leaving it an empty shell.

At 28, you need all the time in the world to plan for your happiness, to chart the course of the flow of that happiness, to navigate your ways out of the many mistakes you have seen in your parents, relatives and friends’ marriages.

You and your brothers don’t have the same destinies. They have their reasons for still being single. You have your life to live just as they have theirs to live. If you are ready before them, there is no reason you shouldn’t get married. However, you still have some few years to be ready.

It is always advisable for a man to put certain structures in place before thinking of bringing in a woman permanently into his life.

Good Luck.

Lonely Heart


Dear Agatha,

I have been trying to ask this question: Can a man of my age, 20 years, find a girl that will love him genuinely and truly without sex.

I believe in total abstinence and faithfulness to one’s the partner. I have been wondering and asking if I can find a girl that holds this belief without compromising her stand.

I want to use this medium to call upon our beloved future leaders to please zip up for a better tomorrow.

Agatha, please link me with a girl that holds this belief. I am truly looking for a girl to build a long and lovely friendship.

My email address is (eelohims@yahoo.com)

I will be grateful if you can help me.