Dear Agatha,
I pray Almighty God continues to make your column relevant to millions of your enthusiastic readers throughout the world.
Agatha, is it right for a young woman of 25 years of age to marry a man of 75? This man has been divorced for close to two decades with well to do and educated grown up children, old enough to be fathers to this lady. The man himself is well educated and well to do with an impeccable character and well respected in the community. The lady has a Higher National Diploma.
I am on her side and would give my support when the issue is made public to other members of the family. But I don’t know how best to help her in terms of the support I should give. Please help my family out of this problem before it is too late.
Concerned Brother
Dear Concerned Brother,
There is nothing wrong in her decision provided she can cope with all the attendant challenges that come with such a package.
To give her quality help, you must first of all be convinced about her reason for wanting to marry this man. You must also appreciate her motive from the beginning as well as the consequences of her marrying a man who is 50 years older than she is.
To convince the family and puncture whatever reservations they may have, you must clinically examine her own thorough understanding of what she is going into.
Doubtless, life is about risk taking but such risks must be thoroughly understood from the beginning. One of the major concerns would be what would happen to her when the man dies given the fact that he has well established children as well as grandchildren. It is also instructive for her to think about the other woman who began life with him. Being divorced for two decades isn’t the same thing as being completely absent in his life.
Your sister should be interested in what type of relationship they have. There is no contesting the fact that this man’s presence might be sufficient for now in keeping this woman and her children from interfering but would that continue after he dies?
As a young girl marrying a man thrice her age, she should first consider getting introduced to all the stakeholders in the family. This is to help her enjoy her marriage as well as widowhood. She has to earn the sympathy of some members of the family to convince the others who would naturally think she married this man for reasons other than love. To convince other members of your family who too may wonder at the manner of love that would make a young girl give up her youth, encourage her to meet with his ex-wife, the children as well as the grandchildren. As a matter of fact, she must submit herself to ensuring she gains the trust of these groups of persons.
At the age this man is, this marriage is beyond him. He may be the one who is lonely, who needs a companion in his life but the age of your sister is the big problem. She must also consider the vital question of sexual satisfaction. It would be a major issue but one which nobody except people close to her cannot openly discuss due to its sensitivity.
Being young and in her prime, there is no way she can deny the thirst of her body. And if she isn’t getting the quality of satisfaction from her man, frustration may force her to look elsewhere. For this reason, this issue has to be thoroughly examined because it is one problem, which even marriages between two agile and young persons, has the potential of ending a union within months.
To be sure you understand precisely what you are supporting, ask the intimate question of how she intends coping with her sex life given the fact that age may have denied the man the vibrancy of his youth. Because you have elected to support her, you will be held responsible if this doesn’t work out. Even if nobody publicly condemns your support of her, guilt will never let you forget the role you played in her life. She may not like your line of questioning but asking would make her think seriously about all the angles to this marriage.
Encourage her to read up textbooks on how younger women married to older men executed their marriages successfully without getting their hands burnt.
Importantly, you have to help make her comprehend all the primary, secondary and tertiary issues at stake in a marriage. Honestly, if you don’t have the experience, you may not be in the best position to prepare her or give her useful hints.
Marriage to an older man comes with different kinds of challenges. And one of these is being able to publicly advertise the relationship without feeling out of place. Can she carry her marriage with the pride and respect it demands? How prepared is she for the reactions of the public when she is introduced as this man’s bride?
She must consider what her feelings and reactions would be when she comes across her friends and colleagues or past dates if seen in company of her husband. The human mind is very funny. The moment she allows herself to be discredited by her decision to marry this man or made to feel ashamed of her husband, she would never recover the equilibrium to be happy as she would begin to feel uncomfortable and resentful of his presence in her life. This is really the test for her. If she is unable to fully embrace the merit of her decision to spend the rest of her life with this man, convincing people around her would be very difficult.
As with all other marriages, she must hold on strongly to a feature or features she likes about this man. This would enable her appreciate him on those days things look very bad, when it looks as if she made a mistake to have agreed to marriage with him. She must see their age differences as mere figures which even if the world doesn’t feel comfortable with, is not important in holding down her happiness. She must glow with the pride of making the right choice and be really happy with it.
Liking him as a friend is also important. She must be able to laugh with him, at him and still show respect for his position as her husband as well as an older person. She must at all times maintain a very delicate balance between her position as his wife as well as someone much younger than he is. Her failure to recognise that the huge difference in their ages demands she at all times, irrespective of where they are, accord him all the respect he deserves would make the marriage difficult for her. This is because, in her attempt to exercise her rights as his wife, she risks destroying everything this man has worked for in terms of image building and family harmonisation.
Therefore, you must help her focus on her attitude around this man, especially when they have an audience. She must also factor into this marriage that for 20 years this man has been his own boss not answerable to any woman in his life. If she hopes to enjoy this marriage whatever reforms she may have, must be done gradually so as not to put too much pressure on him and turn him off the idea of the marriage. This is because, at his age, he has nothing major to lose, whereas she has a lot to considering the huge differences in their ages.
She must also be caring to accommodate and support the demands his age brings on his health. The worst kind of injustice she can do to this man is to be impatient when he feels the need to slow down, nag or snap with disgust when his joints get tired. At all times she must, remember she made the choice to marry him with a view of giving him twilight happiness.
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