Before Her Brags Set Me Against Our Family

Dear Agatha,

I am the first of a family of five children, four girls and a boy.

I came to live with my maternal aunty immediately after my secondary school education in 2000 with the hope of looking for a trade or employment to assist my family.

Against the wishes of my aunty and cousins I left to be on my own after six years of staying with them.

But I wanted to have a place of my own so I could bring my family to stay with me. Despite my sacrifices, I am confronted with a sister who seems to hate my guts and who has no respect for my person at all. She has simply refused to accept the fact that she isn’t like other girls and some of her friends who come from privileged homes. Here I am sweating it out daily, trying to make ends meet; sometimes going to the extent of borrowing money each time she comes around to demand for money or something else. It was mini hell for me while she was in school. Simply because she wanted to live big, she made all sorts of huge demands of me. It was tough for me but I endured it all.

I did all these without a boyfriend or assistance from anybody. While I was sponsoring their education, I also sent myself for computer training to enhance my employment opportunities.

Since she came to stay with me, she has become pain in the neck for me. Although I have a new job that pays slightly better than my former job. I have to relocate to another place nearer my office because of the money I spend on transportation from my former place. The accommodation is a little expensive, but better than what I spend on transportation from our former place.

This sister of mine who has now gotten a job and runs a small call centre, earns more than I do but has refused to help financially in the house. I still shoulder the house rent on my own, primarily to avoid problems with her. But due to irregular salaries at my place of work, I told her we share the cost of feeding, a move our parents are in support of.

Since then she has become more than a thorn in my flesh. The fact that she earns more than I do has made her so insolent and unbearable to live with. She has problems with us all in the house. Recently, she tore a N200 note due to disagreement with her immediate elder sister.

Recently too I asked everybody in the house to bag all Sunday clothes to make room on the hanger and to make the place neater. Even mine were bagged. Everybody, but her adhered to my instructions and when I challenged her, she didn’t stop at questioning my rights but also hurled abuses at me. I was so angry I slapped her and to my shock she also slapped me. She has also taken to singing provocative songs. I am no longer happy with her. Rather than allow this hatred to grow, I am contemplating asking her to leave my house because not even my parents help me with any of the bills.

She has refused to contribute money for feeding and yet doesn’t have any qualms eating from the food I prepare with my money, despite the fact that she earns more than my immediate younger sister and me.

Agatha, I can’t continue with all these insults. I insist she leaves my house or I leave it for her and my two younger ones, because I know how many times I have called severally to ask why she behaves the way she does.

My parents have also tried to intervene severally, reminding her of my sacrifices to the family. Each time she blames the devil for her behaviour and always promise to change, she never does. The house rent will expire in November and I am seriously thinking of leaving the accommodation to begin a new life. I don’t want to die before my time or continually be accused of being jealous of anybody’s fortune. I also don’t intend to be killed by anybody. I am actually scared of her these days. Besides, I am also thinking of going further on my study on part-time basis. Agatha, would throwing her things out of my house solve the problem? I am trying so hard to prevent people from noticing what is happening because it’s too shameful.

I am tired of her and can’t continue like this. Please help me.

Ngoo.

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Dear Ngoo,

Sibling rivalry is as old as the Bible days when Cain killed Abel out of envy. Almost every family has someone like your sister. Eventually some of them come to realise their mistake and change, while others never do. It is all part of life, part of your history as a family as well as your own memoirs as an individual.

Rather than get upset and bothered about her attitude, concentrate on learning the lessons God wants you to learn from her. This is what counts at the end of the day. She may be your sibling but God wants to use her to prepare you for life’s challenges. Remember He knows you more than you do yourself as well as what He wants to accomplish with your life.

While it will be easier for you to quit the house, you can’t quit the relationship between the two of you. She remains part of you, your blood and early life history. These are vital issues you cannot divorce yourself from. Were she your mother-in-law who has come to live with you permanently, would you consider quitting your home for her? No, rather, you would stay and make it work.

Having elected to help your family, don’t allow the ingratitude of one person makes you change. You will end up hurting others who are on your side.

Of what use would your sacrifices be if you leave them now? What makes you think leaving the house would solve the problem of her contributing to the upkeep of the family? What she doesn’t have, she cannot give. She simply wasn’t built to care for people the way you were designed to by God, so ignore her.

You also have to look at your own attitude too. Sometimes when we find ourselves at the head of a family at a very tender age, we tend to lord it over everybody. Are you sure you are not making your importance in the family suffocating? The others may be too timid to protest your lordship over everybody including your parents. She may just be acting out the buried resentment of the others. Do a thorough critique of yourself to avoid being alone at the end of the day.

The truth is if you leave, your siblings will eventually migrate to your new place, when they are thrown outside by the landlord due to unpaid rents. What makes you think your sister would change overnight to pick bills she has never been ready to pay?

The best that can be done is to ask her to give her the option of leaving if she feels too big to conform to your rules. In giving her this option, make her realise that you are fed up of her insults and insolence. That for her to continue to live with you she has to learn to submit to your authority or quit the house amicably before you are forced to send her packing.

She has gotten away with her behaviour because you are rather afraid to enforce discipline. It isn’t by fighting that you get things done. There are various ways to beat someone who is out of line back into it.

Being the first of them all, you have to set certain ground rules in your home. Running away to take resident in another place will only make you a coward. Would you run away from your matrimonial home if she were your sister-in-law? Learn from now to fight for respect and autonomy of your space.

Taking your stance doesn’t mean you hate her but a signal to her and all the others who may want to take a cue from her that no society or place can function without respect for rules and regulations.

Importantly, ensure your parents are involved in all the process to avoid a division in the family.

Also, being the eldest, it is your lot to ensure unity. Hence, learn to pray for all your siblings especially this sister of yours to avoid entrenching a foundational problem that may last forever.

Good luck.

Help, I’m Inactive In Bed

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your column in the ‘Daily Independent.’ I must commend you for your incisive answers to readers’ questions. I am in my late 20s and just married. Once I am with my wife on bed, my manhood shrinks after a few minutes of erection even without having sex. Why is it so? Secondly, I find it difficult going for second round of sex.

I am understandably worried about this. Please what do you think can be responsible for this and what can I do? Kindly assist me as this is threatening my marriage, because I am afraid that my wife will seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Adeyemo.

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Dear Adeyemo,

Did you engage in sexual activities before you got married? If yes, have you always been like this? Did you ever suffer any injury whether as a young child or an adult? Were you ever a victim of emotional sexual abuse from a woman who mocked your performance? What are your growing views on sex? Did you grow up in a home where sex was taught as dirty, something a couple does when they plan to have a baby only and that couples who engaged in it any other time were hell bound? Or is your wife your first experience of sex in life?

These are some of the reasons you could be having problems.

The best place to begin is to go and see your doctor to eliminate any medical reason. Once that is done and you are certified medically fit, look at other possibilities that might be responsible.

However, the important thing is to change your overall orientation to the issue of lovemaking. There is world of difference between having sex and making love.

To get the best deal, involve your wife from the beginning by discussing the problem you are having with her. Though it is obvious, don’t assume she should know, get her to have an opinion as well as make a contributions on how both of you can get round the problem. The mistake most men make is to assume that their sexual problem is theirs alone. This is why most women seek solutions elsewhere.

Being married has made the problem a joint one. Hear her out as well as her suggestions. Both of you could agree on heavy dose of romance; you will be surprised at the power and influence of touch in the final result. No man can know how to please a woman more than herself. She knows how she wants to be made love to, asking her would help you know how and this in turn will stop her from going out as well as help you recover beautifully well from whatever may be the cause of your limitations.

Allow her take the lead does wonders too because it means she is free to invent as well as invest herself in the act leaving you to enjoy the experience.

This is one thing you must never do alone. You need her to help you overcome, so bury your male pride and suspicions and ask for her help. Remember, in marriage, both of you are free of the burden of guilt at indulging in an act God Himself designed to help make marriage worth all the risks.

Good luck.

Can Mere Casual Contact Make Genuine Marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I love your column in ‘Daily Independent.’ I am a lady of 26 years of age. My life is in total dilemma over a relationship I am having right now. I met this guy on January 4, this year on board of a vehicle while I was coming back for Christmas holiday. He is 35 years old. We chatted and exchange phone numbers before I alighted at Ibadan. I found out he is a student of the University of Ibadan. We began to converse on the phone. One day, he called me on phone to inform me of his intentions to marry me. I didn’t give him a straightforward answer because I am in an existing relationship though he hasn’t mentioned the issue of marriage.

My suspicion is that before coming to further his study at his age, he must be married.

I don’t want to be second wife to someone I hardly know. When I confronted him with the possibilities of him having a wife, he denied.

I gave him a surprised visit at his dormitory with the hope of getting or finding out things about him but I didn’t see anything. My effort to know more about him is hampered by the fact that he resides and spends his holidays in the middle belt area of the country where he hails from.

I don’t know any of his relatives. Though we come from the same state but we speak different languages. He wanted to come and see my parents and was demanding money from me to travel down from his base. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know whether he is serious or not.

Please help me out.

Victorious.

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Dear Victorious,

Marriage is a journey of a lifetime hence should be given all the seriousness it deserves. What do you know about him to consider spending the rest of your life with him?

What is wrong with your current relationship to make you even consider this stranger whose marital status or true identity you know nothing of?

While true sudden love happens, in this instance, you are both far from the target. When contemplating marriage, it is always advisable for the couple to apply caution to avoid ending up with the wrong partner.

At 26, you still have time, so avoid being pressured into marrying in a haste, else you might live to regret the decision. He is the one running the race against time, not you. So, resist the attempt to stampede you into a situation you are least prepared for.

At any rate, being in an existing relationship means you are not free to enter into any form of relationship with this man. You can only be free and just to your current boyfriend if you terminate your bond with him. Don’t do what you cannot tolerate to him.

This other guy hasn’t done anything to you except loving you, and if you must leave him ensure it is done sensibly and responsibility. That you are contemplating a relationship with this man despite your doubts about his marital status shows that whatever you feel for your current boyfriend isn’t strong enough to withstand the test of time.

Therefore, be bold enough to tell him the truth about your changing feelings for him. It will save you a lot of confusion and time you would have spent going from one man to the other. Besides, with what you are feeling for this second man, there is no way you can give your current boyfriend the quality of happiness he deserves because if the feelings for him were right, there is no way you would have ever contemplating anything with this other man. If you have never been honest in your life, this is the time for you to in the interest of your happiness later in life.

It will also free you to investigate your new man as well as devote enough time to study him. At this stage when marriage seems so important on your agenda, you need to take certain steps that will get you closer to your goal.

However, be sure that like you too this man if he doesn’t have a wife will have a commitment to another woman. So if he is contemplating marrying you, ensure he too takes the step towards realising it by asking him pointed question about his relationships. He says he has no wife, ask him about his girlfriend. And if he says he doesn’t have any woman in his life, ask him why he is, at his age, without commitment to anyone.

Whether for a man or woman, 35-year isn’t a spring age. To have a clean slate to begin anything on, it is imperative you both sit to discuss every detail of the past. This will help you make up your mind about him and the areas of your joint strengths as well as weaknesses.

Before agreeing to his proposal, do yourself a lot of good by going down to his village to, on your own, investigate him. Fortunately, you are from the same state so won’t find it difficult to trace his hometown.

Gather all the information you can about him. Get someone to accompany you to his place to find out about his marital status, his history before going into it. Don’t take chance with your life to avoid regrets and pains.

Again you have to know something about his temperament, his attitude as well as ambition in life. Marriage flourishes on these ingredients. Without a right temperament, there is no way both of you would be able to discuss and integrate the necessary structures into your union. For this reason you must know why he is still single at his age. If his single status has to do with his temper and attitude towards women, ask him how he plans to accommodate your opinion as well as contributions into his lifestyle.

Again you must know something about his thoughts about women. A good home is one where the man respects the woman and treats her with care. This is what makes a home different from a house.

If he is sensible, he too should be interested in knowing more about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with.

This is why visiting your parents should not be put first item on the agenda. Your parents aren’t the ones who are going to live with him, you are, and without both of you having the right attitudes towards each other, this relationship won’t work.

The bit about giving him money to visit your parents is a bit worrisome. And is the more reason you should intensify effort at investigating him. You must ascertain his motive for wanting you in his life as well as know where he is coming from.

Too many questions are begging for answers hence your need to be extremely careful.

Also commit the entire process into the hands of God, who knows and sees everything.

Good luck.

Thorough Tutorial On Interracial Marriage, Internet Dating

Dear Agatha,

You are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of affairs, relationships and my sincere prayer to you is that your hands would continue to be lifted up higher.

My question is this, what are the practical ways of making interracial marriages work as well as manage internet relationship? I would also be glad if you tell me the dangers of internet relationship.

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

One of the major challenges facing interracial marriages is that of harmonisation of broad cultural and social differences. Man is a complex entity whose environment further makes multifaceted.

For an interracial relationship or marriage to work, a couple must first address the issue of their different environmental upbringings to avoid strangulating the relationship mid way.

This is because no matter what we profess, we are essentially the product of our environment, which means certain behavioural pattern are so entrenched they become irrevocable in our attitudes towards life.

For instance, a culture that supports tremendous respect for elders will find it almost impossible to tolerate the liberalness of a society where children can boldly address elders by their first names. The couple involved in such a union will first of all have to abridge the rigidity of their cultures to have a common ground for the relationship to survive.

Such an arrangement needs more than the average understanding, support and tolerance to be able withstand external influences and sharp opinions from family members, who may not understand the need for the compromises and sacrifices their child is making for love.

The man especially, must be very understanding, resolute about what he wants from life to be able to make a success of his relationship.

This is on account of the pressures his own family would put him through, the names he would be called and estrangement he may suffer as a result of his foreign wife and new ways.

While a woman may be able to adjust after a while, the inbuilt male ego makes it very difficult for the man to make such major adjustment to his character and person. Even, if he desires to make the adjustment, his male ego more often than not, makes it impossible for him to bend backwards, especially when surrounded by friends and family.

As the man, be sure you know what you are going into as well as the sacrifices you have to make to help the woman in your life survive the challenges of taking on a new culture outside her own. Also be prepared to be a patient teacher, tolerant husband, a loving father as well as good friend to the woman who is living familiarity for unfamiliarity.

To do this well, the man should undertake a study of the culture of the people he wants to marry into. Knowledge gives a good insight into things which power alone doesn’t.

The man may have the power but a good knowledge of his wife’s culture and environmental influences would give him a better insight into how to manage his home.

Above all, the man should learn to be fair-minded at all times. When the woman behaves out of line, he would have the fairness of mind to know it wasn’t intended to insult his position or his people.

In all these, what counts is honesty. If a couple is honest and willing to put the interest of the other person before own, no matter what part of the world or cultures they are coming from it will work.

The same principle applies to internet relationship. Men and women who favour it should from day one have the determination to tell the truth always irrespective of what is involved. Once trust is secured, other things would fall into place.

Lie is the danger to every relationship.

Good luck.

Besides Sex What Can I Do To Win Her Heart?

Dear Agatha,

I wish to express my indebtedness to you for your kind counsel to humanity. Almighty God will endow you with more wisdom.

I am a young man in my 20s and have been in relationships with women and most time, it seems we are not really making any headway.

I have this particular friend of mine whom I love and cherish so much that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. We have been friends for so long now, but one thing baffles me she doesn’t seem committed or open minded towards our relationship though she has always claimed to be in love with me, and also a nice friend. This has continued to be a source of concern to me.

When I told my friends about it they said there must be a level of intimacy in a relationship. Usually a physical intimacy between a dating couple for the relationship to attract the type of exchange of confidence I desire.

They are of the view that the lack of intimacy with my girlfriends is the reason they don’t confide in me. They further argued that until I learn to have physical intimacy, I could never get into the heart of the woman I cherish. Now my questions are: must one really engage in physical intimacy with a lady before she can really open up or show commitment?

Secondly, what effect does physical intimacy have on morality?

Finally, what other ways can a man get into the heart of the woman he is in love with?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

Your friends are wrong. A couple doesn’t have to be physically intimate to be able to talk and share information about each other. It is an act that comes from trust and acceptance of the other person, as your own extension.

This comes from a deep realisation that a relationship has many facets, all which need constant attention and synchronisation to make it whole.

If all your previous dates have problems talking to you, then you have a problem of taking the women in your life out of their shells. Whether you make love to them every single day and hour won’t change the fact that you lack the ability to attract their trust sufficiently to confide in you.

Therefore, begin the task of having conversational intimacy by looking at your own faults. What are the issues that interest you in life? What are your interests in these women? What sort of friend are you to yourself? There is no way you can be a friend to anybody if you haven’t learnt the act of being your own friend. Intimacy with anybody comes from the type of relationship one has been able to cultivate with self. For instance, if one has the habit of lying to him or herself, there is no way, that person will be able to tell the truth to anybody.

A person who has trouble accepting the person God created for him or her, to be able to ever accept the defect in another person or the uniqueness the other person has will be a tough task.

Developing intimacy with another person is an effort that comes from accepting yourself as your own friend.

Therefore, first learn to be at peace with yourself, accepting things you can do as well as acknowledging your own limitations. This way, you will be able to recognise the needs of those close to you, their apprehension as well as the hesitation to let go.

These are challenges sex doesn’t mean love. Rather, it complicates in the sense that issues that need verbal solutions are taken to the bedroom and at the end of the day are left unresolved. This in turn piles up the bin of unattended issues, which at the end of the day destroys the future of the relationship. At this stage, not even sex can cover up the decay in the relationship, whereas a friendship that is able to talk out their differences will survive tougher challenges because it has the trust to attract loyalty. By the time sex is introduced, it simply becomes the icing on the cake.

And if your friends were right, how come sexually active relationships, including marriages are all crumbling like packs of cards? The simple answer to that is friendship and not sex is the cement that holds any relationship together.

Therefore strive to become a very good friend to your partner to be able to attract confidence and loyalty. It is always easy to confide in one’s friend than one’s lover.

Offer your woman friendship to earn her trust. Once you do that, it would be easy to get her to talk to you about herself because that way she is assured of your support, which drives away the fear of condemnation.

Many a time, dating couples are afraid to talk about themselves or their past for fear of rejection. You agree the human nature likes to project self in the best possible way especially to strangers and only opens up to those considered to be friends.

You will fare better with your date if she sees you as her friend.

There is no way your morality would not be affected if you take to building your relationship on sex. Once you begin it, it becomes very easy to jump from one girl to another and very soon a habit which will conflict with whatever moral or religious inclination you may have built over the years.

And because sex doesn’t insure against disappointment in a relationship, you end up experimenting with so many women and at the end of the day confuse yourself about the right choice of a woman.

So be careful whom you listen to. God is the only one who can direct you in the best way. To be sure, look at the success of your friends in their relationships? How many of them despite being sexually active are able to boast of stable and consistent relationship?

Good luck.

Love Her But She’ll Not Date Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 and fell in love with a girl of 17 years of age. When I made my feelings known to her, she told me while she appreciated my good looks, she can’t date me.

When I asked if she has a boyfriend, she said she didn’t. Curious, I demanded to know why she didn’t want to date me. And she said she just doesn’t want me for a boyfriend.

Because I love her so much, I can’t let go and have been trying to impress her to make her change her mind but all to no avail.

I am confused because I need her badly. Please what do I do to win her love?

Desperate Boyfriend.

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Dear Desperate Boyfriend,

Allow her be. You can’t force her to have feelings she doesn’t have for you. You will only end up getting hurt in the end.

It is unfortunate you have fallen so hard for her but she appears to be a very honest young woman.

Even if she capitulates to your pressures there is no way you would ever get the best out of her since her feelings for you aren’t deep rooted.

A relationship that has such an imbalanced tray of feelings always end up in pains for the one that has the most love to give because the expected companionship that comes from being with a loved one will never be possible. In addition to the relationship suffering from quality companionship, it will be bereft of respect, tolerance, understanding and eventually strangulate whatever it is that brought them together. An imbalanced relationship is a foray into emotional pains, aches and disappointments.

Eventually she will leave when she meets the person she really loves so why insist on a relationship you will never be happy in?

Go away for a while to enable you forget this lady so that you can move on with your life.

Good luck.

What If She Turns Down My Request?

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for helping people to solve their problems. Please I am 25 years of age, a final year student in one of the state universities.

Agatha, I don't have a girlfriend not because I don't want to, but have not seen anyone I really love.

I am the president of our association in school, and there is this lady, a member of the association whom I have interest in but don't know how to go about it.

Agatha, is it wise to woo my member? What if she refused? Will she use it against me? What about my integrity? Do you think I would still have her respect at the end of the day especially if she refuses?

Worried Presdo!

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Dear Worried Presdo,

Unless you are planning on intimidating her, using your influential position as president of your association to get her to submit to your advances. That is the only time your questions would become relevant.

But if your interest in her is instigated by genuine feelings and done with respect, even if she doesn’t share your sentiments, it won’t affect your official relationship.

Most times, women become rude and abusive to men as a result of tactics employed by these men to pass on their love messages. Men who are cultured and responsible in their approaches don’t get insulted. Women are not like cars a man likes and instantly gets it as long as he has the money. Granted, love and relationship are becoming barter, a game of the highest bidder, but there are a lot of women who still want to be treated like ladies and given all the respect due to them.

Despite being your member, don’t make the mistake of telling her you have fallen in love with her. It takes a whole process to fall in love. You like her for whom she is and what you see. Just limit yourself to telling her what you like about her. Being friends with her first would give you the added advantage of getting to know her as well as earning her trust.

By the time you earn her trust, all the worries about you two ending up as enemies and she losing respect for you would not arise, because by that time you both would have nurtured the required understanding to scale whatever hurdles which your desire for her presents to you both.

Besides it would help both of you manage your relationship without it affecting the execution of your duties as president of the association. The consequence of her rejection isn’t as challenging as managing the relationship should she agree.

Being in a position of authority, you owe it to yourself especially to keep sentiments away from managing the association. That is being able to discipline her when she flouts any official procedure like every other member. Indeed, this is what you should worry about, because indiscipline can easily set in if your involvement with her isn’t handled with maturity by both of you. There are members who would use the obvious fact to blackmail you, whether your decision is right or not.

This one aspect of the relationship you must critically consider before going into it. Do you think you have the capacity to keep under wrap your emotional feelings without it affecting your official duties? Do you see her as the serious type, the kind of woman who knows her place when there are people around, who wouldn’t flaunt her advantages indiscriminately to the chagrin of other members who may not be able to tolerate the situation?

Your position as president demands you have by your side a woman who is able, when the occasion demands for it, to divorce her private relationship from her official relationship with you. It is absolutely important you are able to address this problem first before making your interest in her known. You must marshal how you intend to keep your integrity intact because mixing official business with pleasure if not done with maturity could destroy everything you have worked hard to build.

This is why you must make sure your feelings are strong and real.

Good luck.

My Firm Refuses To Accord Me Honour Of Promotion

Dear Agatha,

I have been working hard and diligently in my company for three years now but my efforts are not being recognised, promotion wise. Though I am a graduate, but placed as a junior staff. I have tried to resolve this with the management, but they don’t seem to care. What do I do?

Worried Worker.

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Dear Worried Worker,

Nobody forced you into accepting the letter of employment that spelt out your position or emoluments at the end of each month. By agreeing to work under the conditions stipulated by your employers as conveyed through your letter of employment, you have forfeited the right to complain bitterly. What you can do now is to plead with reason and appeal to the management.

But, if you feel you are not being fairly treated by your management, begin to think of transferring your services to another company more disposed to giving you what you think you deserve.

There is no law that says you should stay put with your present employers. Doing so would only make you unhappy and result in low productivity.

Therefore, it is either you make up your mind to continue to tolerate the situation while you look for somewhere else or allow the situation get the better of you and get sacked in the process.

Many a time we have to do with what we have, and by learning to appreciate the grace of God in what we are doing, we end up being happier. Most employers aren’t ready to part with money due to prohibitive cost of production, so would resist any attempt by an employer to press for enhanced salary package.

You are not the only one in this position, believe me, there is nothing much you can do about it, because the high inflation rate in the country makes it an employers market.

Until something else comes up, concentrate on contributing your quota to the development of the company. Sometimes, it isn’t the salary we receive that makes the difference in our lives rather it is the grace of God upon what we do that counts.

Despite the challenges you are facing, learn to give your best. Often time, this works more than agitating for a better position or an improvement in one’s status. Employers too are smart enough to know when to invest on hardworking personnel in order not to lose that person’s services.

Make yourself almost indispensable to your employers by giving them your very best at all times.

Promotion comes only from God and the day He decides to do the miracle in your life, nobody, not even the owner or head of your outfit, will be able to prevent it from happening. That is the awesomeness of God, but until then give Him reason to bless you by giving your best to your employers.

Good luck.

Can’t Guys Let My Virginity Be Till Wedding Night?

Dear Agatha,

I must thank you for solving people’s problems. More grease to your elbow. I hope you would help me out as well. I am about 20 years in love but I can’t stay in a relationship for too long.

This is not because I don’t like the guys I go out with, but they all want sex before marriage, something I am not prepared to handle for now. At my age, I don’t think I can handle being pregnant and the attendant problems of fending and caring for a child. I have had to break up with so many guys because of sex, but still they won't let me be. I've never slept with a man before. Interestingly none of them want me for myself. They all want to have sex with me. It got to a frustrating point, I thought of the internet option since the man I’ll go out with on the internet would not see me until the point we decide to marry.

Agatha. I don't know how to meet a man who would want to start a relationship with me without demanding for sex, someone who would wait till our wedding night, right now I feel guys are birds of a feather.

Flora.

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Dear Flora.

Not all men are like the ones you have met so far. There are a lot of men who are still purist in nature. These men belief marital vows should not be pre-empted in anyway. With more churches, health and social organisations preaching abstinence among youths and dating couples, a lot of men are beginning to accept the wisdom of developing a relationship with a woman without pressuring her for sex.

It is just that you have been meeting and dating the wrong guys. To avoid all these unnecessary pressures, it’s best you spell out your stance on premarital sex before agreeing to a relationship. From the very first day you meet a man who likes you, best to make it clear from the beginning that you are not into premarital sex. Don’t keep quiet over the matter to give him the chance to either stay or go.

When a woman keeps quiet about it from the onset, it is only natural for the man to assume the woman has no objection to premarital sex. But if from the onset a man knows what he is getting into, that the woman is not interested in having premarital sex until married, he has a choice from the beginning of commencing with the relationship or finding another woman who has no inhibitions to premarital sex.

To go on the internet to source for a dating partner is a defeatist attitude. As a woman, the responsibility of dictating the moral quality of the relationship is yours. For how long are you going to hide behind the anonymity of the internet? It is a challenge you have to meet squarely. It is the first step towards being responsible and your own person. If the men cannot cope with the standards you have set for yourself, let them go. Somewhere in this world there is a man specifically meant for you who would appreciate you all the more for preserving yourself for him. Don’t succumb to pressure from the men who are merely passing through your life to have sex with them. The man that loves you would gladly wait till your wedding night to have sex with you.

With prayers and absolute reliance on God, that special man would come soon. For now concentrate on etching a prestigious place for yourself in life.

Good luck.

I Need Divorce To Reunite With My First Love

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem that has to do with my home.

I got married seven years ago and blessed with a son. Before I got married, I was dating my childhood friend. We courted for over seven years, but had a disagreement that led to our separation. Initially I thought it was an issue we could settle but we just couldn’t. It had to do with another girlfriend of his whose existence I discovered when I came back from school. Before I realised what was happening and my mistake, she was pregnant for him. Since there was nothing I could do about the situation, I allowed them be.

They got married even before me. I later married another guy because I really did not have any other choice.

And because I still loved my former boyfriend, I found it difficult to open my heart to my real husband. I often find myself thinking a lot about my former boyfriend so much so I find myself imagining being with him anytime I am with my husband. Fortunately, I have learnt to cope even though it is very difficult.

However, something happened two years ago, which shattered the fragile wall I have strived to build around my marriage. It was a simple matter of discussing with him on the phone and since then I have not been myself. I find myself always thinking of him, unable to tolerate the situation any more. I was forced to call him to tell him about my plight and how my feelings for him have refused to go. He said we should meet at one of the cafes in town to discuss. When I got there, we discussed, and he suggested we continue the relationship. He even promised to marry me. He said he still loved me. I told him to give me time to think about it.

My problem now is that, I am truly in love with this guy. My heart has refused to accept anyone else. Even right now, I don’t even have any feelings for my husband again. No emotional feelings. And this problem is affecting me at home generally. Please I will be very grateful if you can advise me on what to do because I really love him like when we started 18 years ago. Right now, I can’t think of anything else except his thoughts.

He said the only obstacle to his marrying me is my husband since I am still living with him. How do we do it? I told my husband since last year of my decision to quit the marriage when I discovered that we weren’t compatible. My conscience is, however, disturbing me at the turn of things.

Please help me.

Basirat.

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Dear Basirat.

What on earth are you doing to yourself? First, you married a man out of a rebound. Now you want to go back to the same man that did not only ditch you for another girl but also married her without caring for your feelings or the relationship you both had.

You brought this predicament onto yourself. Simply because your ex ditched you, you didn’t bother to heal, think properly before plunging into another relationship and marrying the man. You acted unfairly and unwisely. Unfairly, because you knew you didn’t love this man yet you led him into marriage to get back at your ex who got married to his pregnant girlfriend. Marriage is not an institution one goes into with the type of motive you had when you married your husband. In your selfishness, have you thought of the pains you are subjecting the man and your son to? Do you think he deserves the type of treatment you are giving him and the shock of leaving him for another man?

Have you also thought of the consequences of your action on that poor child?

Besides, what makes you so certain this man, also married, is willing to leave his wife for you? What gives you the impression that he is going to be faithful to you? A man, who exhibited no qualms walking away from you the first time, and is giving the impression that he cares no hoot leaving his marriage for you, is definitely not one any sensible woman would leave the security of her home for. Like tap, this man is capable of switching on and off his feelings without consideration for your feelings at all when you might have given up everything up for him.

You are unhappy because you refused to give this marriage a chance from the beginning. Going by your disposition to this man and your marriage, there is nothing this man would ever do that would be right in your eyes. Not only have you made up your mind to be unhappy with him but have decided from the very beginning to set yourself up for failure with any other man besides your first love.

In his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one treating you with so much indifference and difficulties?

You may not know it yet, but a time would come when you would have wished you didn’t treat this man with so much disdain and indifference.

Even if you want to leave him, ensure it is not for these reasons you are touting. Let the reasons be something you can defend any day. To leave your home for the arms of a man who is also married and who didn’t think anything of hurting you when you had no complications in your life is wrong.

Though the final choice is yours to make, allow the spirit of God to guide you properly, else you end with more regrets than you can cope with.

Good luck.

He Loves, But Two Others Bother Me

Dear Agatha,

I will be 26 in December and into my first relationship. It is about a year and six months old. He is 37 years old. He claims to love me and from his way of attitude I think he does. I equally love him too.

After the first time we had sex, I refused him the privilege because I never considered sleeping with a man before marriage but it happened without my planning for it.

Whenever we are together, he talks about us getting married one day. Besides, he shows interest in my family matters even though he tries not to make this obvious.

But he has no money. I vowed never to double date any man. Despite my avowed decision, I am beginning to consider two other men that have indicated interest in me. I don’t know how serious they are and have informed my boyfriend of my intention to end our relationship to give me the opportunity of studying these two men with a view of knowing who among them is most suitable for me.

To my surprise, he simply took what I said out of content. He blames my decision on his financial status, saying he won’t stop me from going because he lacks money now to get married.

But he still kept coming, prompting me to ask days later why he still bothers to come. I made him understand that his coming to my house gives the impression that we are still together.

Agatha, to be frank, I still love this guy, but don’t know how serious he is to avoid heartbreak from any man. I don’t ever want to experience it.

My question now is, do I leave him to give these new men a chance in my life? I am the same lady who wrote to you concerning her body odour. He is the same guy who has stood by me.

Joy.

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Dear Joy,

Nothing is wrong with this man but a lot seems to be wrong with you. From all that you have said, you don’t even know what love is let alone to share it with someone.

Until you make up your mind about what you want, you will continue to suffer inconsistencies in your life. You must have the confidence in your own person to be able to move forward in life.

To look for alternatives for this man, you must be convinced he is the right man for you. He must have done something wrong for you to come to the conclusion. The issue now is what has he done to make you terminate the relationship without considering everything you both shared in the last 18 months or the sacrifices he has made for you? If he has money would you still consider him inadequate for you? Is one of your reasons for looking outside him not because of his lack of money?

What assurances do you have, for that matter, that either of these men just coming into your life would make you happy? Would they be able to tolerate things about you that this boyfriend of yours has done? How long do you plan to date each of these men before you get the information you want from them? How do you propose to space out your time between these men or keep the other one interested while you sample the other?

And if the relationships don’t work out, how do you plan to re-engineer the interest of your former boyfriend?

There is nothing any of these men can do for you. The major task of your challenge lies on your shoulders. You must learn to be very honest with yourself instead of fishing for excuses where none exists. The truth is that you think these other men are more financially stable than your current boyfriend hence the attraction to them, to see which of them has more financial muscles to help you. You may indeed have feelings for this man but lack the patience and perseverance to stay with him to help him get to where you wished the man in your life should be.

Your major challenge is lack of truth. It will continue to be a problem until you have the boldness to confront yourself and stop the pretensions of having a principled stance when you really don’t. Be the person you are meant to be and stop playing God in your own life.

Furthermore, have a dream because that is the only way you can have a vision of who and what you are. You must have a vision of where you want to be at a particular time as well as the type of persons that will help you achieve it.

Having dated this man for 18 months, where do you place him in your vision of you? Do you think he has what you want in a man?

This has nothing to do with money like you seem to think.

You will only be happy if you learn how to do things right.

Lean more on God for His help.

Good luck.

Pressure On Me To Ascertain If We’re Sexually Compatible

Dear Agatha.

I just want to start by thanking you for the great work you have been doing in people’s lives. In fact God will bless you in millionfold.

Agatha. I am a 35-year-old man, planning marriage but I am very scared about what people are saying about the institution as well as the experiences of others.

I know the Bible forbids sex out of wedlock so the place the problem comes in now is that friends keep telling me to have sex with my partner before marriage because I need to know if we can both get the desired sexual fulfillment being with each other. These friends say if l don’t have sex with her now, how would I be able to ascertain our sexual compatibility.

They spice their argument with vivid examples of women and men who go outside their homes to find sexual fulfillments because they don’t get the satisfaction they expect from their legitimate partners.

Is it also true that some women find it difficult to accommodate certain men in their bodies because of the sheer size of their male organs? Please I really want to be educated. These friends go further to tell me such ladies go outside to find other partners whose organs are normal. They also say the same case of unsuitability would occur if the organ is too small.

It is against this background they are pressuring me to go all the way with my woman before taking her to the altar.

Agatha, I am actually considering doing it because of the reasons they have advanced. I feel convinced by their reasons. Could you please help me on what to do? I am really confused now and I don’t want to have a broken home in future

Jay.

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Dear Jay,

I am very familiar with the various logics your friends have propounded to put you into the web of confusion you are now in.

I equally agree that what is happening in our society and the world over make such a proposition sound like the ideal thing, more so as men and women of God are also engaged in the practice.

First, let’s get one thing out of the way. What do you expect from marriage in particular and the woman in general? Are you looking for a marriage where the only staying force is sex? If that is what you are looking for then you would allow your friends to persuade you to go on sexual experiment with all the women that come your way until you get the one whose sexual prowess would meet the different standards outlined by your friends.

But if you are looking for a wholesome marriage where every bit complements the other perfectly to produce a happy home, you would be careful to listen to what your friends are saying.

Have you stopped to wonder why your friends’ only concern is on the sexual aspect of your relationship? How come they are not talking about friendship, mutual respect, commitment, emotional compatibility, the fear of God, sense of rightness and responsibility, good home keeping and the discipline of the woman to stand by you through thick and thin? Would you rather have a woman who scores an “A +” in sexual prowess but a dismal failure in other areas that make a man and home happy? What those friends either failed to tell you or are ignorant of, is that many marriages are experiencing problems because a lot of attention went into finding the right bedmate to the exclusion of other qualities that make for a perfect marriage.

No matter how perfect a woman is in the bedroom, if she is the disrespectful type, dirty, lacking in proper homemaking, lazy, uncaring and lacks understanding of her husband’s persons and dreams. What would be your joy as the husband? The truth is, sex is not the major reason we marry. There are other contending needs to be met. Those are things no amount or frequency of sex can make up for. Because most people are daily basing their marriages on the wrong reasons is one of the major causes and stories of incidents of infidelity. A lot of men and women are into extramarital affairs to get care, attention, respect and understanding they are not getting from their partners. The marriage institution is more about those other areas we ignore than sex.

Besides, a time comes in the life of every person when sex loses its lure and magnet, when it ceases to be important. Even if you are able to tolerate each other to that point, what happens when that comes, when friendship would be needed to sustain the relationship? That is why marriages that have lasted for more than two decades are breaking up because the couples can no longer communicate efficiently in the only way they know how, the bedroom.

But if your preferences are friendship and other more enduring qualities, no matter what happens, you would always find other reasons to stay happily together.

On the issue of the size of a male organ, again, it depends on how deep your friendship is and need of each other. When you love someone in that unselfish and happy way, God wants a couple to love, finding a way out of a very difficult situation is very easy and fun.

Besides, the woman’s body is structured in such a way that it can fit nicely around the size of her man. The quality of tenderness and case that accompany the act is what makes the major difference. When a couple understands each other and willing to help the other overcome his or her challenges, the session comes out wonderfully well while another couple would end up being dissatisfied due to impatience and lack of understanding.

What it boils down to is care and selfless love laced with plenty of friendship and patience.

At 35, you are more than old enough to know what is most important to you to be influenced by what your friends say. Don’t compromise on what you have always held sacred because some people somewhere think it is a bit old fashioned. If this woman you plan to marry reminds you in her every action and utterance that you are her crown and head, the man she has given her body and soul, please treasure her. Even if she at first does not meet your sexual fantasy, teach and mould her to be your personal sex siren. With love and care, you can make the unexpected happen. The truth is when a woman isn’t living up to expectation in the bedroom, look at the quality of the man’s lovemaking. A man who is good would do anything to help his partner overcome her inhibitions.

When next such friends come, explore your Bible for the right answers and solutions because being familiar with the ways and words of God is the only way to avoid making a regrettable mistake.

Good luck.

My New Wife Maltreats My Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I lost my first wife eight years ago to childbirth and since then I have struggled with the help of my late mother to raise our only child. She actually died precisely a year after our wedding.

It was devastating because she and I dated for close to six years before we finally decided to get married.

The pain of losing her at first made me reject the child until my mother’s death forced me to take the child. At the time my mother died three years ago, I had gotten over the death of my wife considerably and could afford to have my daughter around me. Although she still looked like her mother but the memories were getting more positive and not those dreadful pains of those early dark days.

Since bringing her to stay with me, the task of looking after her has taken so much of my time and frankly I cannot enforce the discipline she needs at this stage of her life to remain the good girl my mother brought her up to be. My only sister, who would have taken her in lives in Australia with her family.

Last year, I had to reconsider my stance on not marrying again. I remarried only to discover that she is a mean woman, who starves my daughter and makes her do all the housework when I am out.

Although my neighbours are all aware of what is going on in my house, nobody including my daughter, told me anything.

I only got to know when I came back from a trip to Ghana unexpectedly to discover my daughter didn’t go to school, hadn’t eaten because she had chores to do. My wife who had gone to work left clothes she was to have taken to the dry cleaners for my daughter to wash including bed-sheets and curtains.

My outrage forced my neighbours and my daughter to open up to me. For the five days I was away, she hadn’t gone to school and my wife warned my daughter it would be the end of her if I ever found out what was happening during my absence.

When she came back and met me at home; she was shocked and began to cry for forgiveness claiming my love for my daughter and the memories of late wife is why she is punishing the girl.

She says she is jealous of my daughter and wants her to fail in her studies.

My fear now is she is capable of hurting the child if I am not around to protect this girl. Although she promised to change, what I witnessed and found out shows she is capable of doing anything.

Beyond her attitude is the realisation that I made a serious mistake marrying her. We don’t have anything in common. I married her under native laws and customs two months after I met her due to all the pressures around me.

What do you suggest I do because I simply cannot continue to live with her again?

Please help me.

Delaja.

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Dear Delaja,

For the time being there may be the need for you to look for a school with good boarding facility for your daughter. There is no way she can grow healthily under the current conditions she finds herself.

Even if your wife sticks to her promise to change, there is the issue of the physiological that has been created by her careless handling of your daughter. She has murdered trust by her wickedness to this innocent mind. It will take almost forever for her to undo the harm she has done to this child. Don’t forget your daughter’s heart is still tender and fragile. Not having you in her early life, not understanding why she doesn’t have a mother like all the other children, just coming to accept that her mother died giving birth to her and will never be available to her, losing the warmth of her grandmother and the only mother she knows are enough daunting challenges for someone so young.

To add a wicked stepmother is more than this young girl can manage. Sending her to a boarding school may not be the best choice but under these circumstances, it is better. She has to be free to discover who she is, free to find the warmth of trusting friends in addition to freedom to be herself.

This is a very delicate stage for her, a stage in which she has to build her self-confidence, begin the process of building her dreams and finding her rhythm in life. She needs the freedom to be happy in an atmosphere that is enveloped in love and tender care.

There are very good boarding houses. It may not satisfy you absolutely at least you and your child will have the peace of mind knowing she is in good hands. This is until you and your wife are able to sort out your personal issues.

Doubtless, her absence will give your wife the much needed room to establish herself in your home without the constant reminder that she is being used to care for another woman’s child or that you don’t love her at all.

While not justifying her attitude, some of them may have been brought about by your own attitude towards her. Since coming into your life, what assurances have you given her that you intend this marriage to work and she is not just a piece of furniture in your life?

Jealousy is a dreadful feeling. It could turn an otherwise good-natured person into something else, especially a woman who craves the attention of her husband but isn’t getting it. It could be very frustrating and discouraging. This is why she may be taking it out on your daughter knowing that it is the only way she could hurt you as much as your indifference to her is hurting her.

It is imperative both of you sit down to discuss. Divorce is usually not the first option but the last and that is when everything else fails. Granted, she has made a mistake but if she says she is sorry, let the matter rest and give her the chance to demonstrate what she has said.

Like I said, jealousy can bring out the beast in even an angel if the person isn’t strong enough to resist it. Use the opportunity provided by the absence of your daughter to properly woo her as a woman. Get to know her and give her the opportunity to know you too. Let her understand beyond looking for a mother figure for your daughter, you also desire a wife, sister, partner and above all your best friend. Begin the courtship you both didn’t have now by taking her to places you would have loved to visit with a woman you are dating. Romance is the cure for jealousy and depression. Once she has the confidence in your love, is secured in your heart, she would have the space to extend part of it to your daughter. For now she doesn’t have love in her own life hence lacks anything to give to your daughter. Something comes from something.

Develop the patience as well as understanding for her to make her mistakes as a human being; one which she has already made and also learn to forgive her.

The danger of not allowing this incident die a natural death is the danger it would present to your daughter later in life especially when she starts having children of her own. It is very easy for her to pass on the poison of hatred to her own children; your daughter being the only one will never be able to enjoy the love and warmth of her father and home like she would have loved to.

Whereas, if you allow this woman forget her mistake, she will find it in her heart someday to embrace your daughter without any trace of jealousy or bitterness.

You can only talk about divorce if she refuses to change and continues to treat your daughter terribly.

Above all, both of you should develop a strong prayer life because a home where God rules doesn’t suffer hatred or jealousies.

Good luck.

Memory Of Serial Sexual Abuses Haunt Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 16 years of age and have been suffered serial sexual abuses. My parents are unaware of these abuses. The only person in the family who is in the know is my cousin.

I have been able to put this ugly past behind me until I was almost raped by my friend. I don’t know what to do. I feel like hurting any man I met to avenge what men have done to me irrespective of who they are or feel for me. I feel so terrible. Please help me.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

At 16 you are far too young to have tasted what you have gone through as well as harbour this amount of hatred and negative feelings inside of you.

I am worried because these experiences if not properly handled will destroy you as the years roll by. That you have made up your mind to even the score show the presence of a psychological trauma. You need urgently to talk to someone, to hold the child that has been lost inside of you, a voice to give you hope and help you look at life and men from a different perspective.

It is unfortunate that your parents are unaware of what is happening to you and the lack of someone within the family whose shoulders and ears you need the most now to survive this dangerous phase of your life.

If there is any way you can come to our office, please don’t hesitate to come so we can have a mother and daughter discussion. So, many questions are hanging from your letter. In the first instance, who are these men or man that violated you? How did it all start? Where were you first abused? Can you remember how it all happened and the feelings you felt afterwards? Are these men still present in your life? In what ways do you think your parents are responsible? Do you think they could have done anything to prevent it or their attitude contributed to this situation in your life? Do you consider yourself responsible for all these, blame yourself that you are doing something wrong or think men are all brutes?

These are questions you must have to answer to be able to put the situation behind you. Your friend’s attitude only brought back an issue that has not really died in your heart. What you have done is simply to lock away the problem, not to surf through it with a view of trashing the dustbin.

You need, through the help of others, to come to terms with what happened to you. The essence is to help you examine things to avoid now and later in life, the tell tale signs of when a man has more than a passing interest in your body as well as the mannerism men put up when they are on excessive and uncontrollable heat.

At what point did this friend of yours attempt raping you? Where were both of you and how much of a friend has he been?

Like I said, it is important you and I talk. If you are not in Lagos, send me a text so I can call you.

In the meantime, don’t put yourself in any compromising position or situation that would give any man the power to influence you for his selfish end. This means avoid being alone with a man in a secluded place.

The bad thing about revenge missions like this is the self-destruction that takes place at the end of the day. Being a woman, you will be the one to suffer the most, not the men who would gladly have your body. The consequences aren’t usually as severe on them except when they come down with sexually transmitted diseases.

It is the woman’s biological functions nature that has the higher risk factors.

For the sake of the future you hope to have some day with that real man who despite your past would love and cherish you.

God will see you through.

Good luck.

After He Tricked Me To Pluck My Flower…

Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in ‘Daily Independent’ Newspaper I have made it my daily guidance.

I am a 22-year-old lady who has been struggling for sometime now with the Joint Admission and Matriculation Examinations (JAMB). I am currently employed on a monthly salary of N13, 000. Unfortunately I fell into relationship with a guy, who promised to marry me from the first time we met if I am able to get admission into the university.

He actually promised we would marry either in my first or second year. I used to sing in the church and participate in different activities in the church but couldn’t continue when I met this guy. The first time he asked me to visit him at home demanded to have sex with me.

I explained to him that yielding to his request would become a hindrance to my God and me. But he assured me that since we were in love and going to be married it wasn’t a problem. So I agreed to have sex with him.

Severally, I told him if he knew he was going to disappoint me, we should stop having sex but he kept assuring me that we would end up married. He promised to come and see my parents.

To my surprise, he came to my house recently to call off the relationship. According to him, he decided to call off the relationship because it was taking us nowhere and that he has made up his mind to treat me like his sister.

According to him, he has become a born again.

Agatha, advise me on what to do now that he has defiled me and cheated on me. I promise not to forgive him for the rest of my life. When I asked about myself, he said is it a crime for him to come and tell me what he has in his mind? Please I’m hurt right now I can do anything that will harm him because of the pain he gave to my life.

Disappointed Lady.

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Dear Disappointed Lady,

Don’t allow what he did to you make you do something you will forever regret. Life is too short and delicate to be so wasted. Allow the past to rest where it belongs.

But if the truth must be told, he didn’t do it alone, everything he did was with your consent. You were the one who failed yourself, not the man who made false promises to you.

From the very beginning this man gave you clues into his person but you didn’t bother to examine them. He told you from the beginning you both met that he would only marry you if you gained admission into the university but you still allowed yourself to be persuaded by him to have access into your body. You gave in to him because you also desired sex. He didn’t force you into it. You had a choice to insist you won’t do it but because you didn’t want to lose him as well as a deeply rooted desire to have knowledge of sex, you allowed yourself to be persuaded by him. Your hatred would have been understandable if he raped you. He didn’t only played on your weakness as a woman. It is the right of the men to come with numerous promises because they know most women want to hear that, while it is the prerogative of the woman to either accept or reject. In your case, you elected to accept. So it would be unfair to heap the blame of this whole thing on his head alone. Admit to your own folly in this matter, it is the only way you can bury this episode with the maturity it deserves behind you once and for all.

Were you smart enough, you too would have told him to wait for you to gain admission into the university before agreeing to sleep with him since that was the same condition he gave you. If a university education is what qualifies you to become his wife, you should have also insisted that he could only have sex with you when you become an undergraduate.

He didn’t hide his double standards from you at all but you were too carried away by your own emotions and needs to think straight.

Rather than blame him for your failure to be faithful to God and enforce your own rules, blame yourself for the weakness of the flesh because a man can promise or say anything to get his way with the woman, it is the woman’s business to resist as well as interpret her own happiness.

Were you really committed to God, you will never have allowed this man persuade you against betraying your position in the church. You would have continued in your work while setting the pace for him to follow. Being your own gatekeeper, the man didn’t gate crash. You gave him of your freewill chose to believe everything he told you without questioning his motives. You weren’t sincere to God so can you expect this man to be sincere to you? You put him above the God you were working for and serving. Sincerely, there is nothing you can do about what happened between the two of you. Bitter as it is, let go of the memories. To continue to hold on to them is to cause yourself further pains, which may lead you into doing something stupid. Believe me, you don’t have the patent for this type of pains or disappointments. Women before you have suffered the same things and uncountable number of women after you will still suffer from it. It is the cycle of life. We have to lose something to gain something provided we are willing to subject ourselves to the lesson of experience.

Now you know what to believe and what not and everything you should never allow to happen in your next relationship. This is not to say you shouldn’t trust your next man but that you should be as wise as the serpent to stay focused in a relationship.
The truth is that relationship is unavoidable, but know your limits until you are licensed to do everything a woman and a man can do together as a couple.

To avoid making more complicating mistakes in your life, don’t rush into any relationship for now. Give yourself enough time to heal and to have a clearer picture of your vision as young woman. Once that is done, it would be easier for you to set priorities and stick to them without difficulties.

Good luck.

She Dreams What I Consider Immature

Dear Agatha,

I am 21 years of age. All the three relationships I have had never last beyond one year. All the women seem interested in is marriage only. They demand for marriage, I can’t promise them since I am only 21 years of age.

Besides, I feel that there is a difference between seeking a wife and friendship.

There is this girl I met on phone. We have known each other for a year now. Before we started, I told her about my past relationships. She therefore promised never to make the same mistake.

But last week her aunty and mother called me. I was too angry that I had to cut them off. I know I have hurt her, though I still love her, but she’s too forward. She seems not to understand that I am not ready for the type of commitment she is looking for now. She thinks I am a devil’s incarnate.

Victor.

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Dear Victor,

No matter how frustrated or irritated you were by the antics of your girlfriend, you shouldn’t have terminated the calls of her mother and aunty in such a rude manner. In the first place, you didn’t know why they called you or what they wanted. To assume they called you to discuss is rather presumptuous.

The fact that all the girls you have dated so far end up having the same problems with you shows that your problem is that of choice. What kind of girls are you dating? What are the similarities between all these girls? What are their age groups? What impression do you give them of yourself?

There is no way you would keep experiencing the same problem in all your relationships without you being a major factor. So look at your own mistakes. Can you recall anything you are doing wrong? Promises you are making which are giving these ladies the wrong impressions of you?

I am sure if you are honest, you will come to appreciate that just like love, it also takes two to create a problem in a relationship.

Yes, be my girlfriend is different from be my wife. This is the point most girls get it all wrong, but men must also understand that when they insist the girlfriend plays the role of a wife, they give the woman the room to dream big.

When the first thing a man demands from the woman he knows he has no intentions of marrying is free access to her body, there is nothing stopping that woman from wanting to be a wife since she is good enough to grace the man’s bed.

This is the complication most men bring on themselves and which I am sure is the reason all these girls are dreaming of becoming your wife.

If you are matured enough to sleep with them, you should be matured enough to handle the natural progress that comes from a man and woman having sex.

If you eliminate sex from the beginning of your relationships with these girls, they won’t make the mistake of expecting you to give the type of commitment you are not ready to offer.

Good luck.

She Harps On Reasons We Can’t Get Married

Dear Agatha,

I want to say a big thank you for the good job you are doing and the positive impact you are having on the numerous readers of your column. I can only pray that God will continue to bless you with more wisdom as well as strength to continue in your selfless service to humanity.

The problem confronting me has to do with my four-year-old relationship. I desired to marry my fiancée but things took a different turn when I suggested we stopped making love until we got married.

I expected her to be happy and support my suggestion but instead, she objected. She insisted it wasn’t right for me to take that decision all alone. She didn’t stop there. She also questioned my motive for such a decision.

To cap it all, she decided to terminate the relationship. She said she has found someone else that God says we are not meant for each other and so many things, I can’t repeat here.

Because of my love for her, I pleaded with her not to leave me and even went to the extent of sending my friends to beg her. She agreed to come back to me on the condition that we would resume lovemaking. I agreed and things were normal between us for two months after which she came up to say she is not happy, that she came back thinking that we could achieve the type of happiness we had before the break. She also said her father would not support our union.

Agatha, I do not understand her. I do not know whether my current state of unemployment is responsible for her behaviour. I plan to travel soon to either United Kingdom or Japan and come back to marry her. What do I do? Should I quit or continue? I am really tired of her behaviour. I have not dated any girl for the past four years since I started dating her. I have been faithful to her and I know she too has been faithful to me. She even told me she no longer has feelings for me. What she is doing to me is really painful. Please tell me what to do?

Chris.

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Dear Chris,

It is clear she no longer enjoys your company. You cannot continue to force her to feel what she no longer feels for you. It would only make you both unhappy and unfulfilled at the end of the day.

Hurtful as her attitude is, you should really be grateful she is not one of those girls that delight in two timings. No matter what her other faults are, at least she is very honest about her feelings.

If she didn’t complain about your lack of job all these while, it may not be the immediate reason she is behaving this way. Though could be a remote one.

Your decision to stop having sex with her threw up a lot of hidden problems that were hitherto buried in your relationship. First is the issue of sex. It is very apparent both of you don’t have same ideologies to life. While you appreciate, though belatedly, that sex is not necessary in a premarital relationship, she does not subscribe to such impression. She is one of the girls who thinks sex can he enjoyed at any point in time.

Your decision not to have sex any longer with her without first discussing your reasons before coming to a conclusion may also be a reason she is putting up this behaviour. Granted, your motives are commendable and gallant, but you forgot to carry her along in your decision thus failing to win her support for your intention. If you both had agreed from the very beginning to stay off sex, she wouldn’t have felt betrayed by your unilateral decision to change the game pattern. Try imaging she is the one changing the rules midway into the game, how would you feel?

Keeping and nurturing a relationship is one of the most complex things in life. What one party conceives as being in the interest of the other often turns out to be a big problem if not done with wisdom. Ordinarily she should commend you for the decision to discontinue sexual relationship with her until she becomes your wife. For respecting her enough to realise sex outside marriage is cheap and cheapens the woman most of all and for showing her that you do not need sex to demonstrate your love for her.

But she is not. Your good intention has turned soured and become a threat to your once wonderful relationship simply because you went about it wrongly. The inherent lesson here is to communicate and discuss your every thought with your partner, obtain his or her support before arriving at a conclusion. To assume the other would be smitten over with what in one of the party’s opinion is a wonderful decision is very wrong. This omission is the reason many relationships are running into muddy waters. Communication and dialogue are integral to conducting a successful relationship. Nobody likes to be taken for granted or played as inconsequential in any partnership. On this premise, you were really wrong and presumptuous to think she would jump at your decision. It smacks of arrogance.

Since she has refused to reason with you and has gone to say her father would never support your union, see this development as one of those divinely planned interventions intended to protect us from future pains and disappointments.

A woman or man who has dissimilar visions from that of his or her partner is best left to find another partner whose vision matches his or hers. You may temporarily feel pain and a sense of bereavement at the death of those dreams you hoped to share with her but look at the positive side, a chance to start all over again with a woman who would make you very happy and more importantly who shares your dream.

It could also emanate from your inability or refusal to get a job. She may be opposed to the idea of you travelling or does not see any viability in it. This coupled with your decision not to have sex with her may have brought to the fore her most hidden fears that she may completely lose your love if you travel out. She, like some women think men stay most faithful to women whom they are sexually committed to.

To avoid having similar problem in any new relationship, be direct and honest with the woman from the beginning. Share all your plans and dreams with her from the day you decide to go out with her. No matter how laudable an intention may be, don’t change the goalpost at the middle of the game without first discussing the reasons and need for it with your partner. Many people react with offence to being taken for granted in that manner. I am sure you too would react to being taken for granted in the manner you assumed she would celebrate your decision to discontinue sex with her.

To avoid being branded as an unserious man, don’t tarry too much on taking a definite decision on what you want in life. If travelling out is what you want, do so immediately or get a job and give yourself the necessary push that would elicit respect from that special woman in your life. No lady wants a man who seems unserious with his life.

However, be grateful to God for His mercies for allowing this to happen now instead of later when the pains of separation would be deeper and most painful to cope with.

Good luck.