Dear Agatha,
I read **Sunday Independent** mostly because of your column. Thanks for how you help in solving problems.
I am a 22-year-old pretty Igbo lady preparing to for my National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) programme soon. I am the kind of girl that any guy would love to have in his life.
A lot of people are surprised to know that despite being such a beautiful girl, I have only gone into two relationships. My current boyfriend is 27 and has finished his youth service and is searching for a job.
Even though he is hard working, I still feel he is not doing enough. However, there is one nagging issue affecting me and our relationship - I am very proud and I hate the phrase - “I am a man” - or any man giving me orders or dishing out commands.
I really cannot stand the way my boyfriend talks to me when angry. Even though I praise him for trying to change following several complaints from me, I now have reason to further worry following an incident that happened between us some days after that we were supposed to attend a friend’s birthday party.
Because of some unforeseen circumstances, we couldn’t go. By the time we were ready to go, he said it was too late for us to set out. Infuriated at his antics, I got dressed with my friend and left. He didn’t want us to go because of a slight misunderstanding between us. To my surprise and later embarrassment, he pursued us to the park with his cousin, took away my bag containing my money and phone. He knew I had no other money on me. It was so humiliating as people gathered in groups to discuss what they had just witnessed.
I had to stay with my friend for the night since I didn’t know what awaited me should I go back to his place that night. He later sent a text messages to my friend’s phone calling me a cheat and asking me to come and evacuate my things from his place the next day.
When I went for my things the next day, he had left instructions with his security man not to allow me into the compound. He told the security man to allow only my friend to pick only her things. He knew my friend and I had planned to come to pack our things.
Agatha, can you believe what he did, while I waited outside his gate, he drove past me. I went to his mother to report the incident to her but she couldn’t help. I later apologised. He returned my things and also begged my forgiveness. My worry is that I am not sure about the relationship.
From the very beginning of the relationship he has not hidden his desire to have me for his wife. I have told him to give me time to think. My confusion is, if his desire to marry me is because I am very pretty or because he loves me. What do you think?
Linda.
Dear Linda,
I think you are becoming arrogant by your beauty to forget every other thing. In the first instance, why would you go to a party your boyfriend says you should not go? Even if his reasons don’t go down well with you or the reason for his refusal to go is based on malice, you owe him a measure of respect and loyalty not to go.
To have so humiliated him in the presence of your friend and with her support is to say the least very rude. It honestly signposts you as an arrogant woman who believes more in beauty as well self importance more than the feelings of the man in your life.
Frankly, your behaviour falls short of what is expected of a woman who loves her man and is willing to come under the authority of the man. Even though I don’t support men treating their women as second-class citizens, there is something called obedience to constituted authority. In every relationship, the man assumes the headship. It doesn’t matter if the woman is the richest in the world, prettier than any other woman in the universe, the moment she subjects herself to a relationship, showing respect for the man becomes a must.
You don’t rubbish your man in front of your friend or outsiders and expect him to just fold his arms, pamper you and gloss over the act. It is the highest act of provocation and disregard you can show the man you claim to love. Not only did you through your action dared him to do his worst but showcases your own lack of understanding of what is expected of a woman in a relationship.
You just have to first find way to expunge from your system that overdose of pride you seems to have. Beauty is not supposed to be a thing of pride, it is a gift that should be cherished and used to glorify God. The way you can achieve this is by being humble. Humility is what adds value to beauty, it is also what separates it from vanity and makes people around to appreciate it.
You don’t score very high with people when you push your beauty into their faces, become arrogant about it. Real beauty comes from within and not what we look like. Those who show humility and respect are the most beautiful in the world. These are the people whose beauty remains evergreen, get better with each passing day. Be very careful, this type of beauty you seem to celebrate so much fades. The type that lasts forever is the one that comes from within.
You are the one that has to make up your mind on what you want the most: cold beauty or the warm kind that gives encouragement and accord people all the respect they deserve.
If you love him, give him the answer he wants from you. You don’t have to marry in a hurry, just let him know he means the world to you.
This is what he is asking for and above all, learn to appreciate that whatever we are or look like, is given unto us by God who in His wisdom gives according to His unquestionable will. It doesn’t make us better or inferior to the next person.
Good luck.
I think you are becoming arrogant by your beauty to forget every other thing. In the first instance, why would you go to a party your boyfriend says you should not go? Even if his reasons don’t go down well with you or the reason for his refusal to go is based on malice, you owe him a measure of respect and loyalty not to go.
To have so humiliated him in the presence of your friend and with her support is to say the least very rude. It honestly signposts you as an arrogant woman who believes more in beauty as well self importance more than the feelings of the man in your life.
Frankly, your behaviour falls short of what is expected of a woman who loves her man and is willing to come under the authority of the man. Even though I don’t support men treating their women as second-class citizens, there is something called obedience to constituted authority. In every relationship, the man assumes the headship. It doesn’t matter if the woman is the richest in the world, prettier than any other woman in the universe, the moment she subjects herself to a relationship, showing respect for the man becomes a must.
You don’t rubbish your man in front of your friend or outsiders and expect him to just fold his arms, pamper you and gloss over the act. It is the highest act of provocation and disregard you can show the man you claim to love. Not only did you through your action dared him to do his worst but showcases your own lack of understanding of what is expected of a woman in a relationship.
You just have to first find way to expunge from your system that overdose of pride you seems to have. Beauty is not supposed to be a thing of pride, it is a gift that should be cherished and used to glorify God. The way you can achieve this is by being humble. Humility is what adds value to beauty, it is also what separates it from vanity and makes people around to appreciate it.
You don’t score very high with people when you push your beauty into their faces, become arrogant about it. Real beauty comes from within and not what we look like. Those who show humility and respect are the most beautiful in the world. These are the people whose beauty remains evergreen, get better with each passing day. Be very careful, this type of beauty you seem to celebrate so much fades. The type that lasts forever is the one that comes from within.
You are the one that has to make up your mind on what you want the most: cold beauty or the warm kind that gives encouragement and accord people all the respect they deserve.
If you love him, give him the answer he wants from you. You don’t have to marry in a hurry, just let him know he means the world to you.
This is what he is asking for and above all, learn to appreciate that whatever we are or look like, is given unto us by God who in His wisdom gives according to His unquestionable will. It doesn’t make us better or inferior to the next person.
Good luck.
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