Dear Agatha,
I am 31 years old in love with a businessman who is 34. He is the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with. However four months into our relationship, I discovered that he had lied to me about himself. He gave me the impression that he was single only for me to discover recently that he has a wife and three children. He is the first man in my life. I don’t know what I will do without him or survive this period because this is really my first time of falling in love. Without him, I am not complete. Please help me point at the right way to go because I realise now that I have made a very terrible mistake in my life.
Confused Woman.
Dear Confused Woman,
You just have to let go because he belongs to another woman. I can imagine your pains at his deceit as well as the sense of loss you must be feeling now but be grateful that it hasn’t got out of hands before you discovered his lies.
Just imagine the embarrassment as well as emotional torture if you had got pregnant by your Mr. Right only to discover that he wasn’t free to marry you or acknowledge the baby? What would you have done?
In every situation, we must learn to give thanks to God. You have learnt a very important lesson that some investigations and caution are important during the first few months of meeting a man or woman.
Had you applied just the most a little caution and observations, you definitely would have noticed one or two things that pointed him out as a liar. For instance, his eagerness to get away from you after a particular time, his refusal to allow you know his house, the excuses for his failure to meet your time, the busy schedules he suddenly manufacture when you have planned something special. Although you may not give so much consideration to them, these are sure signs that the man in your life is either having an affair outside you or not telling you the truth about his status.
Marriage is too important an institution, so don’t be involved in this one more than you have been. Granted there was no way you would have known that he was lying to you the first time, but now that you know, keep your distance from him. A man, who could lie so generously to cover the fact that he has a wife and three children, is one man to avoid with a passion.
Even though it was unintentional, you have already robbed another woman of four months of her joy, time and pleasures. You have also inadvertently caused those children quality moments with their father; holding on to him or whatever dreams you thought you had with him is to cause everybody involved in this drama more pains.
Whether you know it or not, his marriage will be affected one way or the other by your involvement with him. Don’t even linger around for him to plead with you to forgive him.
It is unfortunate you chose the wrong man to fall in love with but this experience is sure to leave you a better woman if you give yourself the opportunity of looking at the positive side of this whole development.
For instance, it would make you more cautious the next time a man comes your way. Now you know the mistakes you made with this man, never again would another man get away using the same tricks on you. God knows why He sent this man first to help you mature.
To continue to hold to him therefore is to do yourself a greater injustice than he has already done to you.
On how you would get over him, once you have the determination, the rest is easy. First make the move to forget ever meeting a man like him; granted it might not be as easy as it sounds given the menu of various degrees of pains going on inside of you, but you must make the effort to.
Having waited this long to fall in love and only to be so betrayed in the worst kind of ways a man can betray a woman, this is the time you need God the most as well as meaningful friends. Which of your friends is genuine? The one who has the magic to put a smile back on your face? Don’t be shy to call that friend up for help.
Except for the lessons you are supposed to learn from the episode, don’t allow this to affect your attitude towards men. To do that is to give this man an open visa into your life to continue to hurt you long after he has left.
If there is no friend to call on, take a break from familiar places you both visited or stayed. This is a sure way to help the memory of the time you had together fade faster. Also changing the position of things in the house would help reduce the time spent on imagining him in a particular position or the things you did in that position.
To help you get over it completely, you have to take pride in your judgment as well as your person. Don’t do yourself the injustice of questioning your own judgment on account of what happened between you and this man because there are so many decent men out there, ones who would appreciate the uniqueness that is you. This man happens to be one of those who make the human race full of pains and disappointments. Just like we have them in men, we also have women like him, so it is not a gender thing.
Besides, mistake is a part of growing up and life. We win some, we lose some. Mistakes are meant to strengthen us, to point out at the right way to go and to showcase our own limitations. Mistake itself is not a tragedy of human life; it only becomes one when we consistently refuse to learn from the experiences of past follies.
You never had the experience of a man like him but having met this kind of man, you now have the training to know what to look for and how to be wise in dealing with this kind of man.
As for you not being able to cope without him, trust me, you will become better than you ever imagined. It is the anxiety the heart generates when first love comes crashing down.
Cheer up and trust God to do what you now think is impossible.
Good luck.
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