My sister wants to ruin my home

Dear Agatha, 

Twenty five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life.

When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her.

I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion which wasn’t as common then as it is now.

The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. 

Apart from our immediate family nobody is aware of what happened. my mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband.

I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before.

My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman.

About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family, two years ago, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. 

She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell.

I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned him on what he would do if he ever finds out that I have had a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does before you, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life.

There is nothing you would ever say there after that he will believe you again.

Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit; you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind.

If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband.

Let her take the blame for your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position.

While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since then. This is the junction you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again.

This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life.

No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run in the presence of your husband into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant all those years ago.

What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever considered the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child?

Marriage isn’t a transient thing rather it is a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever.  These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past.

What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life.

The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff neck if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother.

Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her to cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage.

But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While you husband may not bother too much on the identity of the father of your son, he would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again.

He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these.

This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him.

May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope.

Good luck.

Share a problem, With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

My sister wants to ruin my home

Dear Agatha, 

Twenty five years ago, I gave my child out to my elder sister whose uterus was defective from birth. As early as five, doctors told our parents she would never be able to have a child in her life.

When I became pregnant and my boyfriend refused to accept responsibility of the pregnancy, she begged me not to terminate it; that I should instead have the baby and give it to her.

I agreed because I was afraid to go through the process of abortion which wasn’t as common then as it is now.

The baby turned out to be a boy. I handed him to my sister right in the hospital. I am not sure she told her husband about the state of her womb because while I was pregnant, she also pretended she was. She practically moved in with us to make her pretense easier for her. 

Apart from our immediate family nobody is aware of what happened. my mother was a matron and had her own clinic. She handled everything. The birth record of the boy reads my sister’s name and that of her husband.

I have since married with four other children. I didn’t bother to tell my husband about the boy because to me the incident didn’t happen at all. I didn’t even bother to tell him I was pregnant before.

My first two children are in the university while the younger ones are in secondary school. My husband is the best thing that could happen to any woman.

About five years ago, my sister joined a church. She started by keeping her distance from the family, two years ago, she sent my son back to me without saying anything. Since she didn’t say anything, I also didn’t but about three months ago, she told me she wants to return the child to me and to confess to her husband and mine that I am the real mother of the child. 

She said her pastor said she should go and confess her sins. My mother has tried to talk her out of it pointing out that it would affect my marriage since my husband knows nothing about our arrangement but she has refused insisting she doesn’t want to go to hell.

I don’t want my marriage to break up because only last week, I questioned him on what he would do if he ever finds out that I have had a child I never told him about. His reply prompted this mail to you; he said he would terminate our marriage. What do I do? I cannot afford to lose my home because of the good I did for my sister.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

Don’t wait for her to blow the whistle on you, go first to your husband with your story; no matter how unpalatable he finds the story. It is best he gets to hear it from you first before your sister gets to him. If she does before you, you would have lost the opportunity of retaining the trust and confidence of your husband for life.

There is nothing you would ever say there after that he will believe you again.

Even though he would be pained and disappointed at the knowledge that you hid this piece of information from him is the very reason you should really plead with him to forgive you; that you kept the information away from him because of the vow you made to your sister and family. That, telling him would have amounted to betraying the collective trust of your family and that you admit; you would never have told him if your sister didn’t have a change of mind.

If the matter gets out of hand, get your mother since she is still alive to further talk to him. Being elderly and privy to the whole arrangement, she has the experience to further cool him down and beg for the understanding of your husband.

Let her take the blame for your not telling him. I am sure if she explains her role in the whole episode as well as her influence over you to him, he would understand and better appreciate your position.

While at it, give him the full details of how you got pregnant and how the father of your child hasn’t bothered to look back ever since then. This is the junction you let him have all the details about your life so that you don’t ever have to apologise to him about your past again.

This is necessary to avoid putting your marriage through this kind of situation. It would be too much of a burden for the marriage if you neglect to let him have all the information about your past life.

No matter the angle you look at this matter from, if the truth must be told, you should have confided in your husband for the simple reason that you could run in the presence of your husband into somebody who knew you when you were pregnant all those years ago.

What would be your reaction if the person asks the innocent question of the whereabouts of that child? Did you ever considered the possibility in all these arrangements with your sister of the biological father of that boy coming someday to ask for his child?

Marriage isn’t a transient thing rather it is a lifetime. No matter how tight your arrangement was with your sister, this is one secret that couldn’t have lasted forever.  These kinds of stories have a way of erupting when one least expects. That is why couples must always come clean with stories of their past.

What you, your sister and mother tried to do was play god in a matter that God has already decided. What He did was to use your sister to stop you from aborting that child and giving your sister a child to help her through her most vulnerable period in life.

The fact that she wants to tell the truth shouldn’t stop the boy from living with her. The only thing is that he now knows the identity of his biological mother. After living with her for 25 years, it would be unfair to all concerned even if she appears unreasonable, selfish and stiff neck if you accept your son back without giving her the option to continue to be his mother.

Her husband may not forgive the deceit of what happened all those years ago hence would need the warmth of the only child she has ever known to pull her through. Therefore forgive whatever she is trying to do to your marriage and life by helping her to cope with the emotional challenges she is about to unleash on herself and marriage.

But beyond your husband and sister, is the challenge of confronting your son with the details of his birth. While you husband may not bother too much on the identity of the father of your son, he would definitely demand it from you. Be prepared to go back in time to give him all the information that will help him live a normal life again.

He is a man; he might want to drop his current name for his father’s. Be prepared to show him love and be there for him anytime he needs your attention and even when he appears not to need you. More than anyone of you, he is the one who is going to suffer more emotional problem from all these.

This is the time you have to be the mother you have never been to him.

May God give you the strength, wisdom and patience to cope.

Good luck.

Share a problem, With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I’m older than my boyfriend

Dear Agatha,

I have long wished to write you. I have been reading your articles on Independent Newspapers for some years now. I marvel at the way you handle issues maturely. I know it is God in you doing this great work. 

I am involved with a man I am older than by four months. We have discussed this issue and he says he’s got no problem with it. I also don’t. 

But, I still want to know if age counts when it comes to love? What is your opinion about a lady getting married to a man she is older than? 

 Miss E.C

Dear E.C.,

There is nothing wrong in a younger man marrying an older woman as long as they are both comfortable with the arrangement and in love with each other. Age is a thing of the mind. Once one is able to wrap and keep it where it belongs, doesn’t allow it become too much of a factor in one’s life and calculations, it becomes a positive partner and not a negative one.

Besides, four months age difference isn’t much of anything. However, the problems are; how you will manage the differences and how he perceives it after the early moments of falling in love.

Often than not, the challenges for the men come after the novelty of falling in love wears off. As long as he doesn’t allow certain minor things that should matter bug his mind; like comparing you with all the other younger women he comes across, developing resentment against you for no just reason, develops a mature mind to act his role as the man rather than a young man, is also respectful of your feelings, then there is nothing to be afraid of.

You on the other hand must appreciate that age or no age, he remains the head of the team. Therefore, you must never do anything to make him feel less than a man by giving him all the respect he deserves from you.

Don’t ever make the mistake of discussing his age with any of your friends or family members to protect his dignity as the man. Mischievous friends and family members, acting on the information may decide to treat him with disdain, mock him and question his motive for going into a relationship with you.

Pretending to be on a mission to protect your interest, some friends can really mess things up behind you. This is why you should never trust friends with the age of a man you are older than. Some would wonder and call your motive desperation so be careful on all fronts.

You also have to learn to be submissive; more than a woman who married an older man. The reason for this is, the older man doesn’t have the insecurity of the younger man married to an older woman.

What an older man will gloss over, the younger man may impute another reason all together to it. Although maturity has nothing to do with age, the influence of his friends on his reasoning should not be ignored by you.

Not all men have the ability to keep certain things about their women to themselves. Once the word is out that you may be older than he is, certain friends of his will never let go of the opportunity of rubbing it in.

Also learn to dress smart and accentuate your best features; it will help keep his mind focused on you.

Importantly, keep communication constant between the two of you. at all times you should know what and how he feels about you.

Managing age related issue in a marriage is like managing a temper. You must constantly work on the likely situations that might emanate from your age differences from time to time. Work yourself to become his best friend.

This you must begin from the early stage of your relationship because of the peculiarity of your relationship; by being his best friend, you give your marriage an additional reason to strive better than most. It will also keep other busybodies out of your relationship.

Above all, stop worrying about it as you can easily become paranoid about it, which will make you extremely apprehensive of any young woman around him.

The only way to avoid this is to be confident in your love for each other, in yourself as well as trust in his person and credibility. Don’t ever make the mistake of doubting his love for you. The moment you do that, you weaken the foundation of your relationship. Always entrust everything to God first.

Good luck.

Will he ever come back?

Dear Agatha, 

May God increase your wisdom in Jesus Name. After five days of fasting and prayers concerning marital issues, I met a young man who loved me as much as I loved him. But along the line we had problems and he told me off. For six months, I tried to communicate with him but my efforts were abortive. Those were the most painful moments of my life as I cried, fasted, prayed, begged him but all to no avail. I was really affected by the whole thing because he was the only man I have ever loved. 

I decided to walk away as painful as it was, since the situation looked hopeless. After him, I met a young man from a nice family but the day I went on a date with him, I had a dream warning me to wait that he wasn’t my husband. 

Lately, I met another man and I had a dream again that I should specifically go and wait for that first man, that this present one is not my husband. 

Agatha, I’m still praying concerning it but since we broke up, there had never been any communication because if I call or sms him, he will not pick my calls or reply my messages. I don’t have the intention of calling or sending him sms again. I’m really losing my patience because time isn’t on my side. 

What do I do?

Vero.

Dear Vero,

There is no greater peace like trusting in the person of God. Since you have entrusted the choice of a husband to Him, don’t despair or lose faith in His ability to do what is right.

God has never been known to be late, early; He is always on time with His promises and plans for us.

Many a time, we miss the big picture of God’s plans for us out of impatience and personal desire to get things done our way forgetting we are nobody without Him in the first place.

If you trust Him enough to pray to Him for assistance, learn to wait for His answers and will for you.

Chances are that the man He says you should wait for is on a reform journey; one he has to go through so that he can make you a very good husband.

So many times, we think we know it all; have the right answers to the situations we are going through but at the end of the day, our ways are always fraught with painful issues that leave us drained and without solutions at the end of the day.

God must love you so dearly to keep warning you against making a mistake in your choice of a husband.

Since He has identified who your husband to be is, you should change your prayer point to God touching the mind of your ex boyfriend to forgive or forget the past and come back to you.

The point is for him to appreciate the essence of having and needing a girlfriend. It will also afford you the opportunity to grow into each other and know what you both need as an item.

Don’t rush ahead of your time. Lean exclusively on the arms of God by trusting Him unconditionally.

When it is time for both of you to come together, nothing and nobody will be able to stop your union.

Also, use this time to reform your ways. If there is anything you know he has constantly complained of, he doesn’t like about you, this is the time for you to make that change.

Consider this period as a time of learning; more like being in school where time is the teacher of patience and tolerance.

Just keep praying and trusting God for guidance.

Good luck.

She wants me every day

Dear Agatha,

I’m 17 and in love with a girl who in feels the same way about me.

We are both in the same class and school.

One day, a friend of mine came with a weird suggestion in the presence of my girlfriend. According to my friend, he would love to have sex with his girlfriend in the presence of my girl.

I was not only upset but very embarrassed at this and I told him so. We almost quarreled; at the end of the day, he apologized for making such suggestions in the presence of my girlfriend.

The next day, my girlfriend started behaving strangely like someone missing something. I asked what the matter was.  It took her awhile to tell me but she eventually did. To my shock, she said I wasn’t meeting up to her expectations. According to her, she expects me to hug and kiss her every morning I come to school, stay with her always and tell her love stories as well as make love to her as often as possible.

What do I do?

Troubled Boyfriend

Dear Troubled Boyfriend,

I presume you are still in secondary school and that your school isn’t without teachers and administrative officers.

I also want to believe your school be it private or public, has some set of rules governing the conduct of students within the walls of the school.

I also want to assume that you are in school to get education for the sole reason of positioning yourself for success in the future.

Perhaps, you may not know the value of the education you are getting now but if you care to look around you for examples of what good education or lack of it can do, look at the touts at the motor parks or the toil of the labours, drivers, security men, cart pushers and a host of others who are forced to take these jobs because they lack the educational qualifications to do be executives or even go into politics.

You are lucky to be in school; there are several like you out there whose parents cannot even afford the essentials for them to even attend a free school.

What is so special about a woman’s body that you are willingly to mortgage your entire future for her? At 17, what do you know about love? What business do you have with sex? Do you have what it takes to deal with the consequences of sex? Come to think of it, what do you know about the ways of women to get so involved with one who isn’t bothered about her education?

How do you intend romancing and kissing her in school without being caught? What would you tell your parents if you fail to make your papers at the end of your days in school because you elected to follow your girlfriend around like a puppy? What time would you have to go for your classes, study and read for examinations if you are daily reading her love stories and enacting the scenes in the story line? Is this the kind of man you want to be; one that has no mind of his own; whose sense of reasoning is subject to what the woman in his life wants?

Grow up boy and face this fact about life. Women don’t identify with failures, which is what you would be if you don’t get your priorities right now. If you are unable to make your papers, this lady who is demanding for your soul will move on to another man; one who has is successful and has the means to look after her.

If at her age, she is already making such heavy demands of sex from you, you can bet your life that she is more experienced in that field than you are. You certainly are not in her league even though you appear to serve her purpose now.

Let her know you aren’t gamed and that you want to concentrate more on your studies because if you miss your opportunity to make your papers, you will have to put in thrice as much efforts to make it later. Some people I know, have been trying to get their bearings back since they allowed their opportunities to pass them by just like you are contemplating doing, but they never did until all their former classmates graduated from the university. The frustration of seeing one’s former classmates forging ahead while you have nothing to show for yours can be very dehumanizing. So think about your parents, yourself before you agree to such obnoxious demands by your girlfriend.

The fact too that she didn’t protest the proposition of your friend should have alerted you to her passion. A normal girl would have slapped your friend for such an outright insult.

Women will never be out of fashion so also is sex. At your right time, you will have more than enough to pick from.

This is your time to plant so that you can reap good harvest later in life.

Have you considered the fact that she could get pregnant? Do you have what it takes to be a father? I understand all the hormones confusing your system but the hallmark of a man with character is one, who has mastered the game of self control.

Yes, love at 17 can seem to be a real dream come true but its concomitant consequences could scar you for life. The scorch is the kind that overshadows immensely the brightness of the future.

Be careful you don’t become a victim of your own desires.

Insist you don’t have the luxury of time to execute all those things she demands of you and that you want to concentrate on passing your examinations very well so that admission into the university won’t be so much of a problem.

When you are ready to have a girlfriend, you won’t labour too hard to get the one that will support you to grow and not this one who isn’t focused on what is important at this time of her life.

Good luck.

I can’t attract a lady

Dear Agatha,
I’m 30 years, single but without a steady source of income. As a result, I cannot attract a lady.

 It isn’t as if I’m not good in bed or not adequately endowed but I just don’t have the cash to maintain a relationship. As a result, I resort to helping myself through masturbation. 

But I’m tired of it and
want a lady who can give me sexual   satisfaction without demanding
for cash. 

Agatha, I hate the word ‘sugar mummy’ but that’s exactly what
I want from any part of the country. This is my number, 08134747775. 

Desperate man.

Dear Desperate Man,

Are you certain the only reason you don’t have a girlfriend is because you don’t have a steady means of income or that you are only using it as an excuse to achieve your desire of being a kept man?

For a man who does not have a steady means of income, shouldn’t your concern be how to get a job and earn a respectable income rather than seeking out a sugar mummy?
If true you are a looking for a woman who will bear with you, it isn’t sugar mummy you will be seeking as there are still good girls who will over look your financial status and agree to your girlfriend.

Not every woman is shallow minded to scorn a humble beginning with a man but often than not, some of the challenges that come up in a relationship has to do with the insincerity of either one of the parties or on the part of the couple.

If you cannot tell yourself the truth, you will never find a cure for your aliment. You are who you are because it is a choice you made.

It has nothing to do with your current financial position because men who are in far worse situation still find women to share their beds.

You want a sugar mummy because you think it is the easiest way for you to make money as a man and not on account of your inability to attract a young lady.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626