He can’t control his zeal for extramarital affairs

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

My partner and I have been engaged for four years and hoping to get married soon. A year ago, we jointly acquired a property. By the way, we live abroad.

Despite having two children from a previous relationship, he has been very good to me. He treats my children as his.

Three years ago, he cheated on me and I caught him. He promised it would never happen again. I forgave him. We have had a very good relationship until last week when I discovered a message on his phone from another woman. Message reads, “Thanks for the cute message you left on my car, but who are you?”

I confronted him about the message, which he first denied but had to own up to it when I persisted. He confessed leaving the message on the girl’s car. He claimed he was only admiring her shape and appologised; he again promised it would never happen again. I said nothing at the time since I couldn’t believe it was happening again.

A week later, I called him aside and announced my readiness to discuss the matter. To my surprise he blew his lid; insisting he has already apologised and that I like taking things too far. He said if we were in Nigeria, he would date other girls and that I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. He said I am African hence I should stop behaving like a European. I was very hurt because I expected reassurances from him.

That night, I left the engagement ring in his wardrobe in an envelope; moved out of our bedroom into the guest room, and we haven’t spoken to each other since. I am very confused as to what to do now. Should I just end the relationship because I feel he is taking me for granted? But I am also worried I might be taking things too far as he said.

I don’t want to call his mother to report the incident to her. Being Muslims, I think their religion supports such. What do I do?

Bola.





Dear Bola,

Giving him back his ring and moving out of the bedroom isn’t a solution; rather it underscores your own lack of total understanding of the complex nature of a relationship. Doubtless, he has made a mistake but not enough to end a good relationship.

Granted, marriage creed preaches absolute faithfulness but everyday experience increasingly mocks the viability of this. While it is not something that should be encouraged but if all married couples were to end their marriages on account of this, you will be alarmed that the few number of marriages that would remain standing.

Unpalatable and undesirable this development is, this is the reality most marriages and relationships daily battle. Despite attempts by Christianity to put a stop to it, it has continued to flourish sometimes involving men and women of God who are supposed to be custodians of sound morals in the society.

Many women have been forced to take the difficult choice of looking the other way and not make the hasty decision of quitting. At any rate, leaving only gives the other woman the much-needed chance to move in.

You left your first relationship because of a problem. For how long would you continue to run away from problems? How do you again explain to your children who have gotten used to this man that he isn’t perfect? Successful management of our lives derives more on wisdom than on anything else. Problems, in whatever guise they come from, are to be tackled fearlessly and without too much bias, because it never goes away unless effectively challenged.

There is no relationship without hiccups and mostly these come from infidelity on the part of the man and in some cases the women.

Would you have found it as easy giving him back his ring were it a wedding one and not the engagement ring it is? Without you saying much, it means the four years you have been engaged aren’t important to you at all.

What you have done in terms of assurances is also to tell him, he doesn’t mean a thing to you.

Don’t run away this time. What peace and hopes did he bring into your life? How would you describe your years together? In terms of fulfillment as a woman, what did these years do for you?

See what is happening between you as a perfect opportunity for both of you to discuss those things you failed to discuss at the beginning of your relationship, to iron out all the grey areas and to look inwards at your own faults.

Our relationship is our life, our history; our heritage. There is no way you can move on successfully in life if there is a nagging problem in our relationship. It is either you completely make up your mind not to go into a relationship and protect yourself against hurts that come from being with in love with another man or learn to accommodate and deal with these expected pains.

Yes, he has said a lot of unprintable things. This is fact! But it also doesn’t say he doesn’t care about you again. With some men you just can’t stop them from chasing after other women with force.

There are several ways of fighting this battle without having to give him up.

But before you embark on this, please honestly answer those questions I asked, because the success you achieve with him depends on your own certainty of him as being the right man for you.

If sure, move back into his room because if you are waiting for him to apologise after the initial one he offered you, it may take a while. Like you he is also hurting that after everything, you can easily end the relationship and take away from him the love and presence of the children he has come to see as his. He sees in your action, a deeper betrayal, the reality that he isn’t after all the real father of those children. Hence you could take them away from him at the slightest provocation.

If he has been a good father figure to them, you should put that too into consideration and find it in your heart the determination to iron out the problem between you two.

In the first instance, what sort of woman are you? What sort of women is he interested in outside. You said he admitted to have developed interest in the other woman due to her shape. What shape are you in? What has he persistently complained about?

Although, ideally these are not enough reasons for him to go out but a man looking for an opportunity would latch on almost anything, including the ridiculous to his advantage.

Even though some of the excuses men give to misbehave are simply excuses, but in some cases these are real. If you need a little trimming down, don’t neglect to in your battle to keep him. Wearing trendy as well as smart clothes should also be part of your effort to make him happy.

Having stayed with him for more than four years, you know the right button to touch to deflate the tension between the two of you. If you were married legally, you would have found a way and since you both have gone to the length of buying a property together, it means, you have a good thing going for you two.

Betrayal is always very painful but love has a way of conquering all things.

Go and apologise to him for giving him back his ring. After the dust settles; make effort to know what he sees in these other women, which are missing in you. Be smart; listen to what he is not saying because that would be your cue for this relationship.

It is also important you know his thinking about polygamy as well as his view on religion. Best, if you both resolve it now.

Whatever you both do, give wisdom a pride of place.

Good luck