Can’t Guys Let My Virginity Be Till Wedding Night?

Dear Agatha,

I must thank you for solving people’s problems. More grease to your elbow. I hope you would help me out as well. I am about 20 years in love but I can’t stay in a relationship for too long.

This is not because I don’t like the guys I go out with, but they all want sex before marriage, something I am not prepared to handle for now. At my age, I don’t think I can handle being pregnant and the attendant problems of fending and caring for a child. I have had to break up with so many guys because of sex, but still they won't let me be. I've never slept with a man before. Interestingly none of them want me for myself. They all want to have sex with me. It got to a frustrating point, I thought of the internet option since the man I’ll go out with on the internet would not see me until the point we decide to marry.

Agatha. I don't know how to meet a man who would want to start a relationship with me without demanding for sex, someone who would wait till our wedding night, right now I feel guys are birds of a feather.

Flora.

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Dear Flora.

Not all men are like the ones you have met so far. There are a lot of men who are still purist in nature. These men belief marital vows should not be pre-empted in anyway. With more churches, health and social organisations preaching abstinence among youths and dating couples, a lot of men are beginning to accept the wisdom of developing a relationship with a woman without pressuring her for sex.

It is just that you have been meeting and dating the wrong guys. To avoid all these unnecessary pressures, it’s best you spell out your stance on premarital sex before agreeing to a relationship. From the very first day you meet a man who likes you, best to make it clear from the beginning that you are not into premarital sex. Don’t keep quiet over the matter to give him the chance to either stay or go.

When a woman keeps quiet about it from the onset, it is only natural for the man to assume the woman has no objection to premarital sex. But if from the onset a man knows what he is getting into, that the woman is not interested in having premarital sex until married, he has a choice from the beginning of commencing with the relationship or finding another woman who has no inhibitions to premarital sex.

To go on the internet to source for a dating partner is a defeatist attitude. As a woman, the responsibility of dictating the moral quality of the relationship is yours. For how long are you going to hide behind the anonymity of the internet? It is a challenge you have to meet squarely. It is the first step towards being responsible and your own person. If the men cannot cope with the standards you have set for yourself, let them go. Somewhere in this world there is a man specifically meant for you who would appreciate you all the more for preserving yourself for him. Don’t succumb to pressure from the men who are merely passing through your life to have sex with them. The man that loves you would gladly wait till your wedding night to have sex with you.

With prayers and absolute reliance on God, that special man would come soon. For now concentrate on etching a prestigious place for yourself in life.

Good luck.

I Need Divorce To Reunite With My First Love

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem that has to do with my home.

I got married seven years ago and blessed with a son. Before I got married, I was dating my childhood friend. We courted for over seven years, but had a disagreement that led to our separation. Initially I thought it was an issue we could settle but we just couldn’t. It had to do with another girlfriend of his whose existence I discovered when I came back from school. Before I realised what was happening and my mistake, she was pregnant for him. Since there was nothing I could do about the situation, I allowed them be.

They got married even before me. I later married another guy because I really did not have any other choice.

And because I still loved my former boyfriend, I found it difficult to open my heart to my real husband. I often find myself thinking a lot about my former boyfriend so much so I find myself imagining being with him anytime I am with my husband. Fortunately, I have learnt to cope even though it is very difficult.

However, something happened two years ago, which shattered the fragile wall I have strived to build around my marriage. It was a simple matter of discussing with him on the phone and since then I have not been myself. I find myself always thinking of him, unable to tolerate the situation any more. I was forced to call him to tell him about my plight and how my feelings for him have refused to go. He said we should meet at one of the cafes in town to discuss. When I got there, we discussed, and he suggested we continue the relationship. He even promised to marry me. He said he still loved me. I told him to give me time to think about it.

My problem now is that, I am truly in love with this guy. My heart has refused to accept anyone else. Even right now, I don’t even have any feelings for my husband again. No emotional feelings. And this problem is affecting me at home generally. Please I will be very grateful if you can advise me on what to do because I really love him like when we started 18 years ago. Right now, I can’t think of anything else except his thoughts.

He said the only obstacle to his marrying me is my husband since I am still living with him. How do we do it? I told my husband since last year of my decision to quit the marriage when I discovered that we weren’t compatible. My conscience is, however, disturbing me at the turn of things.

Please help me.

Basirat.

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Dear Basirat.

What on earth are you doing to yourself? First, you married a man out of a rebound. Now you want to go back to the same man that did not only ditch you for another girl but also married her without caring for your feelings or the relationship you both had.

You brought this predicament onto yourself. Simply because your ex ditched you, you didn’t bother to heal, think properly before plunging into another relationship and marrying the man. You acted unfairly and unwisely. Unfairly, because you knew you didn’t love this man yet you led him into marriage to get back at your ex who got married to his pregnant girlfriend. Marriage is not an institution one goes into with the type of motive you had when you married your husband. In your selfishness, have you thought of the pains you are subjecting the man and your son to? Do you think he deserves the type of treatment you are giving him and the shock of leaving him for another man?

Have you also thought of the consequences of your action on that poor child?

Besides, what makes you so certain this man, also married, is willing to leave his wife for you? What gives you the impression that he is going to be faithful to you? A man, who exhibited no qualms walking away from you the first time, and is giving the impression that he cares no hoot leaving his marriage for you, is definitely not one any sensible woman would leave the security of her home for. Like tap, this man is capable of switching on and off his feelings without consideration for your feelings at all when you might have given up everything up for him.

You are unhappy because you refused to give this marriage a chance from the beginning. Going by your disposition to this man and your marriage, there is nothing this man would ever do that would be right in your eyes. Not only have you made up your mind to be unhappy with him but have decided from the very beginning to set yourself up for failure with any other man besides your first love.

In his shoes, how would you feel if he were the one treating you with so much indifference and difficulties?

You may not know it yet, but a time would come when you would have wished you didn’t treat this man with so much disdain and indifference.

Even if you want to leave him, ensure it is not for these reasons you are touting. Let the reasons be something you can defend any day. To leave your home for the arms of a man who is also married and who didn’t think anything of hurting you when you had no complications in your life is wrong.

Though the final choice is yours to make, allow the spirit of God to guide you properly, else you end with more regrets than you can cope with.

Good luck.