Dear Agatha,
I am in love with a boy with whom I have a son. My problem with him is his love for women. He goes about denying having anybody serious in his life and even when I am around, he denies me as well as his son in the presence of these women.
But he would come back to apologise later after the ladies have left. I really want to leave him but I love him. What do I do?
Ufuoma.
Dear Ufuoma,
The earlier you realised that you have your destiny right in your hands the better for you.
Yes, you have made the mistake of having a child for a man outside wedlock but don’t make another mistake of having another child for the same man when it is obvious he doesn’t know what he wants from life.
Although the choice of leaving him might be bitter but you must do it for your sake as well as your child’s.
A man who denies his child in the presence of another woman doesn’t sound responsible or one who has plans for you. To continue to endure his disrespect and act of irresponsibility is to expose your son to the life you should protect him against.
The issue now goes beyond you to the future of your son. Children pick their habits and build on the examples of those around them. If he grows up to an irresponsible father, one who delights in changing women like used tissue papers, who doesn’t care about respect and responsibility to him and his mother, it follows too he would grow up to pick one or two habits from his father.
This would happen because you appear not to be in the right position to offer him a good cover, a firm foundation to neutralise the negative influence of his father. Unless you do that, the chances of you ever being able to wrestle his freedom or future from the mistakes of you and his father entrusted on him through your decision to have him at the time you did may be very difficult.
To be frank with what you have said, this break is compulsory. Another thing which might be responsible for his attitude may be the manner the baby came. Was the pregnancy of the baby planned? Did you get his permission to become pregnant? Yes, he is the father but often than not, the decision to have a baby outside wedlock is the woman’s to make. At the point of giving yourself completely to him, you had a choice to insist on him wearing a protection if you weren’t protected yourself.
If you didn’t secure his permission, it follows he would continue to accuse you of trying to trap him in a situation he didn’t plan for. Although your man may have accepted to be a father to the child but it is only in name only. He is yet to accept the responsibility that goes with it and until he does, you must do all you can to play the roles of a mother and father in the interim.
There is nothing that says you must endure him in your life if he isn’t ready to be responsible.
Given your situation, what can you do? Do you have the qualifications to get a good job? There is always something for a determined mind, which isn’t proud or ashamed of humble beginnings. If you are not, look for something to sustain you and the child until his father comes around.
Stop hurting yourself by refusing to give a thought to him or his activities. Over time, when he realises you seem to be coping well without him and that you are not forcing him to face his responsibilities towards his son, the fear of losing out in his favour would force him to come back to his son, even if he doesn’t want you for keeps.
Just ask God to help you through this difficult time because it is never over until He says it is.
Good luck.
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