Dear Agatha,
An incident happened to me eight years ago and without thinking twice I took away the only child of my marriage then. I happened to see my husband and my baby’s nanny making love on our living room floor.
Because of what I had been through with him, the humiliation of having to put up with the condemning attitude of his parents when the baby didn’t arrive until five years after our marriage and how he initially refused to come for treatment until my parents made him go with me to see the doctor. I also recalled my feeling, a combination of rage and happiness when the results came out that he was the one responsible for our childlessness.
It took another year of intensive fertility treatment before he was able to father our son.
Seeing him with the house-help was too much for me to tolerate. Without considering my decision, I took the baby and since I enjoyed dual citizenship, travelled out of the country almost immediately.
I deliberately didn’t go to my parents or anybody who knew me for over a year of coming back to
Although I eventually told them my version and the reason I didn’t want anybody talking to me for the months I stayed away. My husband ultimately got to know I was back and made another attempt at approaching me for settlement.
But my hurt was still very deep and refused to have anything to do with him or his parents when they came.
Like I said, that was eight years ago. Now I am remarried. We have two children, a set of twins who are three months old. When I got married last year, my parents offered to take him in because my current husband didn’t and still doesn’t like the idea of having another man’s child under his roof. Since the distance between my current house and that of my parents’ is only about five minutes walk distance, my son comes to visit me everyday on his way from school and at weekends.
Recently, I noticed he wasn’t coming into the house when my husband is in. Initially, I didn’t read any meaning into it until my mother called my attention to it. She told me that my son doesn’t like coming to the house to see me because my husband hit him when I was away with the twins to see the doctor.
Naturally, my husband denied it for obvious reasons, but his reactions confirmed it.
However, we are about to return to
Besides, I love him too much not to be without him. What more, I am no longer happy in my marriage as my husband is so temperamental, unreasonable and very disrespectful. He has hit me more than twice since we got married less than one and a half year ago.
I no longer love him but I don’t want him to think I am using the excuse of my son to end the marriage. Even though that is part of my reasons for wanting to leave him, I am scared for my son because with what I know of my husband, who once threatened me with our kitchen knife if I insist on visiting my son everyday. He can kill my son if he suspects he is one of my reasons for wanting to leave him.
How best do you think I should handle the situation? Do I follow him to
Please help me because being so much confused now, I can’t, logically.
Aiye.
Dear Aiye,
What are the issues in your marriage beyond that concerning your son? At what point did he begin to change towards you? For how long did you date and what were the perimeters you put into consideration before agreeing to spend the rest of your life with him?
What were his reactions to your son during your courtship days? There is no way something as entrenching as this type of hatred you paint can be concealed from you. It couldn’t have started after your marriage or shielded such a fundamental feeling from you.
It is either you didn’t take serious innuendoes or that you were so interested in marrying him, you failed to notice what was going on under your nose.
If you are truthful, from his objection to your son’s living with you after your marriage to him, you would have known this would happen. No man in love with a woman who has had a child previously insists on the child living away from them. From the moment he said that, you should have made it clear that it was either he married you with your son or allows you to continue as you were. What would you have done if your parents weren’t there with you in
This is the point you made a mistake. Since you agreed to relocate your son to your parents’ home, you compromised and gave him a weapon to keep using against you and your son. From the moment you agreed to send your child away at his request, you gave him power to maltreat your son and you at will.
Had you stood your grounds, he would have been more careful in the way he treated your son.
Since the marriage has degenerated to the point of violence and armed threats, no meaningful conversation can take place between the two of you now. Whatever surgical operation that should have saved this marriage from collapse should have taken place when he told you to send your son away from the house or the first time he hit you.
At the point it degenerated to him threatening you with weapon, you should have invited your parents to intervene in the matter. Your matrimonial issues are most of the time best resolved by the couple but not when it involves the use of dangerous weapons. Had he used that knife that day on you, the harm would have been done before help came your way and if in the process of assaulting your son, something happened, what tale would you be telling?
Since you suspect he can harm your son, don’t push your luck. This is a very delicate and messy situation, one that needs absolute wisdom to plot a route. If you insist on coming to
It is at this point you must evaluate your options. What happens to the twins when you come back for your son? Do you have the resources to travel fro and to
Since your family seem to be in
Don’t you think your chances of getting better protection for your child and yourself are best in
If there is no way he can come back to
You need peace and love all around you at this crucial time. You need to think clearly on what works for you. It is not a good recommendation for you to go through multiple failed marriages. So in your own interest as well as those of your children, be sure you are doing the right thing this time around and don’t procrastinate your decision because it could lead to life-threatening situations. Sometimes, we have to cruel to be good. Marriage should be endured provided it doesn’t involve life-threatening situations. Once threats to life are being made and dangerous weapons also brandished, in the interest of peace as well as the possibility of future reconciliation, couples should give each other break till sanity returns. This is because in the process of wielding the weapon things may get out of hands leading to the death or severe injury of either of the parties.
If you have made up your mind to leave him on account of irreconcilable differences, staying on would only lead to hatred. Dead people don’t get married neither would you make the right decision if you continued to be confused.
This is the time you need God more than ever before; time to pray and allow Him point you at the right direction; to allow Him make the choices for you.
Good luck.
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