Dear Agatha,
I am really confused. I dated my ex-boyfriend for a year and ended things with him. He is always too busy, and seemed to take me for granted. Also when I do things wrong, he would not complain even if the thing is hurting him. Instead he would coil into his shell like a snail. I know that he loves me, but I don’t know if it’s enough for me at this point. I have always desired a guy who can express himself, sit me down to tell me what I am doing wrong to change for the better.
He is quite attractive and willing to do anything for me. He respects the ‘no sex’ thing, but I don’t know how long it will last. My sisters don’t like him because they think he is arrogant. And I support them too. When we quarrelled, which was all the time, he would never call until I did, and this can be for weeks.
Please help me, I still love him and he is a good person. I don’t want to lose him because I can’t tolerate nonsense.
Philomena.
Dear Philomena,
The problem is more on your side than his. Until you define what you really want from this man or any other man for that matter, you will continue to have conflicts in your relationship.
A man who recoils into his shell, doesn’t complain when you hurt him, and willing to abide by the rules you have spelt out for him cannot be said to be arrogant on the contrary. He respects you so much to want to quarrel with you. It appears you are the one who is arrogant and always wants things done her way, else you won’t be scared of losing him to another woman. You don’t want him out of your life because you know he is the only man who can tolerate your excesses. And also man enough to put you in your place when you become too much for him to handle.
By refusing to call you whenever you have disagreements, he is teaching you in his own ways how to come down from your high horse and submit to his leadership in the relationship.
If this makes him arrogant, then you have to look at your own attitude closely. In his shoes, what are those things you would not tolerate from you? What do you want from a man that you are not getting from this one? What has been his constant complaint about you?
Learn to be truthful to yourself for once. What your sisters think is immaterial because this is your life, your man, relationship and choice. They are not the ones who are going to live with him, but you!
If you don’t want to lose him, can you be honest enough without yourself as to drop some of those habits he finds irritating? Are you sincere enough to make the sacrifices that will make the relationship grow along the lines of tolerance and understanding?
Do you care enough to help him overcome his shortcomings as a human being, as someone you claim to love? What is the quality of love you have for this man? True love begets respect and nurtures a selfless attitude towards the actualisation of the reason for the relationship.
For the sake of the love you profess, go to him and try to talk things over. Listen to his own complaints about the relationship, even if he doesn’t want to talk, get him with as much patience and love to open up to you. Let him see your genuine attempt at making peace with him, at trying to move the relationship forward as well as making right the wrongs of the past.
By playing up your own faults, you are making it obvious to him that whatever issues he has against you in the past, no longer exist.
It is only after you have dealt with your own faults that you can point him at his and the reason both of you are unable to function without getting on each other’s nerves.
As the woman, you must be willing to make more sacrifices by learning to be submissive. By so doing, you deny him the pleasure of using his knowledge of you to hurt you. After a while, he would have no choice but to change his behaviour too to meet with the new you.
In relationship, we all need change for the best to keep the energy of the relationship going.
Frankly speaking, if you hope to tangle with a man, you must learn to be patient. Your confession of not being able to tolerate nonsense doesn’t work well with a harmonious relationship. Certain things must give way for a relationship to be healthy. As a woman you must be ready to accommodate certain things from your man. This is what sacrifices and love is all about. It is also the best way to ensure this man doesn’t leave you for another woman who ends up appreciating him more than you.
Good luck.
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