Is she God’s will for me?

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I need your help. I will be 28 years old in July and have been praying and desiring for a life-partner to settle down with for sometime now. I currently don’t have any girl friend and I am waiting for the will of God to happen. However, there is this lady in my class. I am doing a professional course. The first day we meet, we shared a seat. We have become close so much so the quality of our feelings for each other shows from our actions. For instance, we like being together discussing and sharing our different ideas. She has certain qualities I like in a woman. What more, she is respectful and humble. The question and the reason I am writing you is, could she be the one I have been waiting for? If she is the one, how can I disclose to her or find out if she has the same view about me without me hurting our relationship with my desires for her? We come from different parts of the country. Please I need your urgent advice. Aondo. Dear Aondo, Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is no telling how she will respond to your request to take the relationship between the two of you to another height if you don’t come out of your shell to tell her how you feel about her. Chances are she too may nurse the same feelings for you but is limited by fear as well as socio-cultural norms from coming to you with how she feels about you. Besides, no reasonable woman gets offended by the interest of a man in her. The offence usually comes from the manner of presentation of the man. When a woman assumes he is the best thing to happen to a woman through his offer for friendship, then the woman could become offended by his presumption of her willingness to have a relationship with him. This cannot happen in your case because there is an established premise for you to express your feelings. Besides, it is the place of the man to ask and that of the woman to either accept or reject. Don’t be deterred by your fears of her possible reactions from telling her what you feel for her. As a man you must be bold to confront the woman your heart picks. When a man questions or reasons a woman’s possible reactions to his feelings for her, it only puts forward the knotty question of his belief in whatever he feels for her. Therefore, you must first of all be certain that what you feel for this woman goes beyond sexual attractions. As a man looking for that special woman to share the rest of your life with, you must probe deeper into all the possible reasons you desire this one more than every other woman you have met so far. Most times familiarity breeds contempt. Are you being goaded on to think she is special to you by your class induced intimacy as well as your desire to settle down as soon as possible? Sometimes, these situations can spur, actually deceive the mind to think love exists where only friendship really is. In addition, you must help yourself by taking time off to honestly and critically examine these her qualities alongside the picture of your ideal woman you have always imagined. Many a time, we get distracted in our search for the perfect partner by qualities we should never in the first place bother about. Had both of you met in different circumstances, would you have considered her as your ultimate choice? Between your ideal woman and this woman, how many steps apart are they? Are the issues miles apart or worlds apart? You can close the gap between if miles apart, but if they are worlds apart, then you have a big task ahead of you. Also, what are you basing your decision on; her facial appearance, fashion sense or the often ignored salient points of her true person and character? From your discussions so far, do you think you both have what it takes to combine your dreams? Can you count on her to support your dream in future? Do you see yourself helping her to grow her own dreams? This is absolutely important because without the spirit of compromises, it will become almost impossible in latter years to move the relationship beyond a particular point. Investigate the issue of her temperament, attitude at home towards others, her friendship with her siblings and friends as well as focus in life. Importantly, look at her loyalty to you, interest in the things that make you happy, reactions to your friends and family and those seemingly mundane things but which are in reality important. These are issues you should iron out on your own first before bringing her in. Once you have a clear vision of what you want, it would be easy to give your relationship all the necessary attention and support to bloom into reality. Once your motive and reason are honourable and you are at peace with God on your choice of her, she will not be offended instead, she will thank God for her luck in finding you. On whether she is God’s will for you, this I cannot answer. It is a personal thing between you and God. To be sure you are still on the right track, go to God in prayers not to enforce your will but to listen to what He has for you. Don’t allow what you feel for this lady, becloud your mind or distract you from pursuing your relationship with God. It is important you keep your relationship with God intact because you will always need Him in your relationship. Listen to what He has to say about your choice. This is the most difficult part; submitting to what He instructs. If you open your mind to Him, you will get the right direction through the quality of peace you feel deep inside of you. Whatever happens, don’t sacrifice your relationship with God; it is priceless. Good luck.

Re: My foul temper is becoming my bane

Dear Agatha, l really pity that woman because l was once very temperamental. It takes patience and self-consciousness to overcome it. Ask her of the kind of environment and family she grew up in. Is it where she never shared her feelings freely with anyone, I or the kind where she was never respected or her opinion didn’t count at all? Was her family the kind dominated by one person, whose words were law? From my experience tell her to learn to say less whenever she is angry. She must learn how to say sorry to people she hurt with her outburst even when her pride is at stake. She must strive to curb her pride and force change in her life. She should read the book, “the spirit controls temperament and why you act the way you do” by Richard Tamplar. I appreciate her courage, she will surely get help. Temperament is natural, isn’t evil spirit. She needs a counselor not a deliverance pastor to avoid complications. My name is Chris Samuel. I live in Enugu. She can call me on this number, 07058680492 Dear Agatha, I want to commend you for the way you handled this issue. May God continue to bless you and your home. I wished I got the kind of help you offered this lady. Perhaps things would have turned out differently for me. Years ago, I had her kind of temper; didn’t even consider it was spiritual until right on my wedding day, in the presence of my family and would be in-laws, I slapped my husband to be, insulted his mother without care for the number of persons who were watching us. Needless to say, that wedding didn’t take place despite being eight months pregnant. Although he supported me when the baby was born but the child was eventually taken away from me because of my temper. I almost killed her when she was three years old for pouring cold water on the rug. It was very easy for the father to get custody of the child. That didn’t teach me a lesson. My next relationship almost ended in me killing the man. One minute we were having a normal disagreement between lovers, the next minute he was bleeding from the head. I had out of fury smashed a bottle of soft drink on his head. He was magnanimous to stop me from going to jail. When he got out the hospital, he told the neighbours and Police that I did it as self defense. He later told me he didn’t want the guilt of sending me to prison on his mind-that he was glad to be alive. It was in later years, a pastor at a revival service told me that my temper was spiritual-put in me to prevent me from getting married. That all the men that came my way actually wanted to marry me but that they all left as a result of my bad temper. I am 45 and too late in the day to begin again. I pray she finds a solution before it is too late for her. Mariam.

He is treacherous

Dear Agatha, Men are very treacherous. How unfair can men be to a woman! I am going to be 60 this year and have been married for 40 years. I invested everything I had into this marriage. I am the only child of my parents so I inherited everything they had. When things were very difficult for my husband and I, the only house they had in Surulere, I sold to enable my husband begin his business. Today, he is quite successful. If anybody had told me that this man I helped to become the success he currently is, would turn round to bite my fingers, I would have called that person a liar. About two months ago, I went to the United Kingdom to visit my son whose wife just put to bed. While there, one of the wife’s cousin came to visit her. From their discussion, it was obvious that they hadn’t seen in recent time. This cousin apparently lives in the United States with his family. I really couldn’t say what was so familiar about the cousin but he looked like someone I once met long time ago. I was really curious to know so I asked him about his work, State of origin, his parents and all the things you ask when trying to help the memory recall something from its bank. My daughter-in-law innocently aided my quest for information as she announced that he shares the same surname as our family name. I was very curious to know so asked him his full name; the same names as my husband’s. I asked him about his mother, who I gathered is from the Caribbean. I didn’t know what to do because the face I thought was familiar was actually my husband’s. The boy was the replica of my husband. He was more of his mirror image than my son. When I asked how old he was, I discovered he was just three years younger than my first son while his sister and my third were age mates. Again, my daughter-in-law provided the information about the sister. When I asked him about his father, he said he was fine and presently in Nigerian with his other family. Further questions reveal that he has told them about his Nigerian family; and how afraid he was of them coming to visit him because of his wife. He said the mother and father were legally married in the United States. When he asked if I knew his father going by the similarities in our surnames, I told him, I would find out from my husband. It was all I could do at that time not to let the secret out of the bag. Without explaining my reasons, I told my children I was going back to Nigeria the following day. In the plane by home, I was praying against the reality of what I just heard but it turned out to be the truth. He didn’t bother to hide the truth from me. His excuse? I never made him feel like a man. Right from the very day I married him, I have always made him feel inferior, never lost the opportunity of reminding him I made him. He said, I kept disrobing him in the presence of the children by my recount of how I sold my father’s house to help him. He attributes the attitude of the children towards him to that. I am really hurt and confused. I know he is trying to justify what he did by all the excuses about my behavior. Even if I am guilty of all that; is marrying another woman right? His way of repaying me for all I have done for him? Of his own volition, he personally told the children about his other family. Ironically, my children, especially my sons, I thought would align with me against their father all appear to be blaming me for the situation in my house. My eldest son, actually told me he didn’t blame his father for sourcing for happiness else where. He stopped short of calling me a nag. My only daughter though wasn’t as vocal as the brothers just urged me to take things easy and sort it out with their father. I have made up my mind to leave and have actually initiated discussion on the ownership of his business since I brought the money for the initial capital. I wont let another woman reap where she didn’t sow. But I need your help, am I doing the right thing? An old friend of mine thinks, I am going about it the wrong way and that if I am not careful, I risk losing the respect and support of my children? But I cannot allow any woman into my home, the one it took my parents money to establish. It isn’t possible! As it is, he has already used my money to train his other children. What kind of help can you offer me Agatha? I want you to appreciate that I am a hurt woman who is desperate to keep her inheritance. Patience. Dear Patience, At almost 60, should you be more concerned about your peace of mind, making up with your children than fighting over a legacy your children from your narration may not really need? Can two wrongs ever be right? Granted, your husband has been unfair to you but don’t you think your current reactions is giving basis for decision to marry another woman? If your children are not supporting you, actually appear to be giving their father tacit support, can you still say you are right? There are situations in life when our righteousness can be very wrong. In this situation, your justification may not be right at the end of the day. What is life? What is the essence of marriage? Is it to just have children? We can all give one reason or the other to rationalize our actions but would these excuses stand the test of time, when our actions and the results we get are put side by side? Yes, you did the right thing, helping to kick start your husband’s success in life but does it merit your nagging of him; exposing him to the disdain of the children? If your own children can say those things about you, then you must have been terrible in your quest to ensure their father didn’t forget the side where his bread is buttered. Marriage is more than a journey of having good financial base; it is more of a journey of success, respect and tolerance. Nagging him to remain loyal to you obviously drove him into the hands of another woman; one who knows that a good marriage is more than having plenty of money to spend. Unwittingly, you created the opportunity for this woman to have a permanent stay in your husband’s life because the resonances of your words were hurting his being. You were making him feel worthless of himself and as a man, he needed to assure himself that he was man enough to command the respect and loyalty of a woman. Granted, he started with your money but over the years, he has invested his time, intellect to making that money a success. If it weren’t for his sound business mind and judgments, do you think, you would have been able to manage that inheritance you seem to pride more than anything else in your world? If it wasn’t his destiny to be successful, that money would have gone down the drain. What you only did was to give him an early start; he did the rest. If you hadn’t given him the money, someone else would have. God only used you to make His desires for your husband to come to early manifestation. In your shoes, I would discard any attempt at sharing out the property or leaving the home. To continue with this line of action is to say your 40 years together as a couple have been a complete waste. Deep down, isn’t this marriage worth saving despite what he has done to you? The beauty of life is our ability to learn from our mistakes. At every level in life, we must make conscious effort to do away with the mistakes of the past. There is nothing stopping you from enjoying your marriage by making conscious and positive attempts at correcting the mistakes of the past. Going ahead with your decision will further cause a disharmony between you and your children on one hand and your husband on the other hand. Take advantage of your chance meeting with your step children to mend the wounds your attitude and utterances have caused in your home. To do otherwise is to become a very lonely woman in life. As it stands, your children already have their own families, ones if you stay longer than necessary would become uncomfortable for you while your husband too has a wife and children to fill his space too. Your leaving the house will give him the freedom he needs to fully integrate his family into his life. Old age gives us the opportunity to count our loses; adjust our lives to accommodate the many imperfections of life. There is nothing love cannot forgive. Become the rallying point for your family. His other wife and children will never take your place if you are wise and know how to patch things up. Rather than fight him, encourage discussion, this way you will know what went wrong as well as how to manage all the new challenges without becoming the ultimate victim. By being close to God, you make things easier for you to manage. Good luck.