Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend of three years is always nagging me. Although I am three years older than he is, he treats me as if I am his younger sister.
He recently gained admission into the higher institution where I just completed my ordinary diploma programme. While waiting to go for my higher diploma in August, to refresh my brain, I decided to be accompanying him to school every weekend. I also didn’t want to be home alone throughout the weekend.
But recently, he ordered me to stop following him and when I asked him why, he couldn’t come up with an acceptable explanation so insisted on continuing without in his company.
This has caused so much tension and disagreement between us. He has threatened to embarrass me if I insist on accompanying him to school again.
That isn’t all he is also in the habit of using very abusive words on me, whenever I try to correct him. He doesn’t care if we are in public at the time, he would insult me only to apologise when we are alone.
At home we are the perfect couple but when we are in public, it is the exact opposite.
Though he is naturally a nice person but I am of the opinion that something is missing in the relationship. I am convinced he doesn’t want his classmates to know we are dating hence his insistence that I should not follow him to school on weekends again.
It is so confusing because we plan to walk down the aisle. I was instrumental to his gaining admission in the school. I have been trying to change him but he seems not ready for that.
Currently, I am not sure about my feelings for him anymore, and my love for him seems to be declining daily. What should I do? I am so confused.
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Frankly, given the way things are between the two of you, your plan to marry may not materialise unless you both sit to discuss your differences as well as change your attitudes.
For instance, you must properly discuss the bothersome issue of your age differences. You must listen to how he feels about dating a woman three years older than him while paying attention to his opinion. It is also important you talk about the ways you both want to be treated because from your letter it is one of the major issues between you.
Apparently, both of you didn’t discuss the issue of your age differences at all and if you did, not sufficiently to erase whatever associated burden comes with it. He, in particular, has to get past the shame of dating an older woman while you have to learn to bury your sense of indignation at the way he addresses you.
There is no way this relationship would work with both of you pulling it at opposite ends. You cannot tolerate his attitude towards you while he too appears to want to be in charge.
Obviously respect is very thin in this relationship. In discussing the terms of your stay together, attention must be paid to your sensitivities. For instance how do you want him to treat you? As his girlfriend or his elder sister? If you want him to treat you as his girlfriend, you must learn to take orders from him, accord him respect as your boyfriend. There is no way he is going to submit or keep tolerating your domineering attitude. You have to learn to respect him irrespective of the fact that you are older than him.
You knew from day one that he is three years younger than you by yet you went into a relationship with him. It therefore behooves you to accord him the respect you would give an older man. You have no right to criticise him in public. If he acted rudely to you, it is because you gave him the opportunity to do so. There is no way a man would tolerate any woman criticising him in public. You had ample chance to effect any correction in the privacy of your home before leaving the house. What do you intend to achieve by pointing out his lapses in public? A wise woman would not say anything if she notices any breach of social etiquette by her husband while in the public. Instead she would keep quiet but take note of it for later reference.
Even at that, good wisdom demands that she applies caution when pointing out these lapses out to him. He may be younger than you but he is a man, your head and the leader of the team, hence demands your respect at all the time.
Don’t make him struggle for what legitimately belongs to him. He would keep fighting you with every weapon he has as the leader of this team even if it entails doing so in public.
On the issue of you going to school with him on weekends, what is the motive? Is it to monitor and keep him under check? Is it that you don’t trust him? There is no way you can stop any man or woman, for that matter, if determined to misbehave from doing so.
You must find a way of getting over the insecurity presented by your age to trust him. We all need certain amount of freedom to be who we are. Sincerely, he doesn’t need you dove-tailing him around. Being new in school, he needs to make new friends and find his own way. He doesn’t need a mother hen for a girlfriend, he needs a woman who understands and as his friend to be by his side.
If he didn’t secure admission into school, won’t you read on your own? Learn to read on your own or with friends who are also interested in going back to school if that is truly what you want.
Though he is expected to accord you your respect, but you must first give him his dues.
Your place as the woman is to be submissive.
What you are experiencing is normal. It happens when things are not going the way we expect. You think you are no longer in love with him because he has refused to fit into the jacket you have made for him. Anger and frustration is making you to change your feelings for him.
To help you appreciate him better, think of what things were like between the two of you when you started. What was it like? You both allowed your differences come between your needs of each other.
Terminate your relationship if after your discussions you feel it isn’t worth it and that you cannot cope with the issues nagging your relationship based on your age differences. This situation calls for absolute honesty. You must love each other sufficiently to be able to overcome the primary issue of age disparity. That is really the crux of the problem between you.
Good luck.
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