He is old enough to be my father

Dear Agatha, I am 23 and have just finished my youth service in Eboyi State. I lost my father when I was 10 years of age. My mother, a petty trader didn’t have much help from my father’s family. Being three girls, they said investing in our education would amount to bad investment as we would end up in other families. But for the insistence of my paternal grandfather who overruled the decision to send my mother and us out of the family house, only God knows how she would have coped. Before my grandfather died, he was the only one who cared if we ate or not. Anytime my mother was crying over unpaid fees or lack of food, he would come with money which he saved from his feeding allowances his other children normally send him. He did that without the knowledge of the other children because they would have protested. His death three years after meant we had to depend on ourselves to survive. Fortunately, the matter of us quitting the house didn’t come up again. We hawked, worked as house help to go through school. When I was in SSS2, things became almost impossible. I was almost dropping out of school because we couldn’t feed let alone pay school fees. Things were very bad and my mother didn’t know what to do. One day, I came back home from where I had gone to search for a cleaning job to meet an elderly man whom my mother said would help with my education. She only said the man was an old friend. From that point, things changed for better for us. My mother suddenly had enough money to open a big supermarket in the village and before long, she was riding a car. The man became a regular visitor to our home. I thought he was dating my mother but she never went out with him and he had nothing but respect for my mother. I was too happy to bother them. Any way they were adults and free to do whatever they desired with their bodies. The man obviously had money because he insisted my younger siblings be withdrawn from public schools to one of the most expensive private schools in our state. He bought a house for us and we packed from our family house to our new place. I also noticed that a number of my father’s relatives that were very hostile to us in the beginning became friendly and were now visiting us more often. While at the university, the man would come to visit me and whenever he did, he would come with handful of gifts items. He never failed to tell me to come to him whenever I needed money or anything. My mother also said this much. Both of them always warned me against keeping male friends and the few times I brought some friends home, they didn’t like it. I decided not to upset both of them by keeping my boyfriend out of view. When I was posted to Eboyi State for my youth service, he came often to see me. He would always tell me he was in town for one business or the other and so decided to visit me. I didn’t suspect anything until I came back from my youth service. My mother called me to a meeting where this man whom I have come to respect as a father figure was present. My father’s only brother and his two sisters were also there. It was there they told me that this man was my husband and that they had already accepted the bride price. That it was based on this agreement he did all those things he did for us. This man is over 60. He is a widower with grown up children living abroad. After they all left, my mother said she was forced into the agreement to protect our future. She said she kept quiet about the arrangement because she knew I would never agree. She said I should consider the future of my siblings whom he had promised to sponsor abroad by agreeing to his marriage proposal. She added it would be selfish of me not to oblige her request simply because I had finished my education. I have a boyfriend I plan to marry. I would have gladly dropped out of school had I known of this plan. My mother is threatening to disown me and the man says he would sue my family for betraying his trust if I don’t marry him. He has already withdrawn the car he gave my mother and said he would take back the house which unknown to us was bought in his name. My boyfriend who works with a multinational oil company has promised to help with the education of my siblings but my mother isn’t just ready to listen. The fact that my boyfriend’s father has gotten me a job in the bank where he is the chairman is not enough to appease my mother who says it would take time for my boyfriend to have the kind of money to take care of my siblings and herself. She has set her eyes on the wealth of this other man without considering my own happiness. I don’t know what to do. Agatha, how do I get out of his mess? How on earth did my mother get me into this? Charity. Dear charity, Don’t panic. At 23, you are an adult capable of making your decision. Since you were not part of the agreement between the man and your mother; he cannot really come out to accuse you of anything. Granted the man would feel a measure of hurt and perhaps betrayal, he should hold your mother and father’s siblings responsible for this current development. But that doesn’t stop you from going to plead with him for understanding and forgiveness on account of looking after you and your siblings when it mattered the most. He made life easier for you and gave you through sound education an opportunity you would never have had were you left hawking on streets. That you met a man like your boyfriend and his family is as a result of the opportunity he gave you. Fairy tales don’t happen again so the era of poor Cinderella meeting her price charming is far removed as the earth is from the sky. For this reason, go and beg him to let you off the hook. It is obvious your mother would never give ears to your pleas, so you have to do this on your own. Ask him what would be his reaction if his wife were to force his daughter to marry a man old enough to be her father? Go on your knees and plead with him. Commit whatever you would say at the meeting to God who is able to change the hearts of men. Ask God to soften his heart so that he can listen without anger to all you have to say. Let him know that had you known from the beginning, you would never have allowed him to invest his money and time on you and the family. Make him understand you would remain eternally grateful for all he did for you and your family but, he should put himself in your shoes. Tell him you have always regarded him as the father you lost when you were just 10 years old. Don’t expect him to listen to you on the first day of your visit or that his forgiveness would be automatic. You might have to go repeatedly and with your boyfriend to make his stance towards you thaw. Your mother has created a situation for you, which needs careful handling to ensure you have a smooth sail in future. If he insists on his money, work out a payment schedule as part of your efforts at reparation and restitution. Plead with him to regard his financial assistance as a form of soft loan which you are willing to pay within a time frame that is convenient for both of you. It is a pity you are being made to mop a mess you were not part from the beginning but, which nevertheless you are a prime beneficiary of. To be fair to this man, he has a right to be angry; it is very important you understand this fact, no matter how irritating the whole episode appears to you or his childish reactions to your decision. A lot of the problems we confront today in our lives are those created by our parents. Don’t expend energy getting angry with your mother. It isn’t worth it. She apparently didn’t pause to think or consider the implications of her actions. Sometimes, poverty can make the most reasonable person behave in a way that calls to question that person’s sanity. Even though this doesn’t reasonably justify your mother’s action, you still have to be reasonable to navigate this maze successfully. Fighting too many battles at this critical point would be too much for you to handle at once. If after repeated attempts to plead with him, he insists it is either he marries you or nothing, call his bluff as well as your mother’s. With time, this will blow over and she will come to support your love for your man. Good luck.

What do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am in a very big fix. My wedding is only three weeks away but I am finding it impossible to concentrate on the arrangements or stimulate for that matter, the necessary excitement towards the bride. It all started at about a month ago when I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Ironically, when we were in school, I wasn’t too serious about her despite everything she did to demonstrate her love for me. I simply wasn’t into her at all. A lot of my friends didn’t like the way I was treating her then. I can still recall my best friend telling me back then after she came into my flat one day and met another girl. She left in agony and embarrassment because I simply didn’t care about what she felt meeting this other lady. My friend who witnessed it all said I would one day regret the way I was treating her. I brushed his observations aside. Although she came back after that; I knew something had changed in her. It wasn’t something one could pinpoint but, she was not the same woman I knew. For a while she disappeared. I didn’t bother to look for her because I was really glad she was at last off my back. A year later, she came to my office to inform me of her pending marriage. Strangely, I didn’t feel excitement at the news. I simply didn’t like the idea that she was getting married at all or another man coming close to her at all. The feeling was so powerful and strange; I couldn’t explain where it was coming from or the reason for it. This woman I never felt anything strong for? A woman I regarded simply as a good bedmate? I wondered why I was developing intense hatred for the man I have never met; the one she would be spending the rest of her live with? Casting away my gloom, I pretended to be happy for her and even took her out to celebrate. It was a big mistake as the food tasted like ashes in my mouth. Needless to say, I didn’t attend the wedding. When I told my friend about the incident and the way I felt about it, he didn’t express any sympathy for me; instead he reminded me of how badly I treated her. It was a while, four years precisely that I was able get thoughts of her off my mind. Once I did, I promptly proposed to the lady I was dating. It was while shopping in one of the highbrow unisex boutiques that I ran into my ex. The moment I saw her, I knew my marriage plans were moribund. I wanted her like I have never wanted any woman in my life. It was then it dawned on me that I have always loved her and that she remains the only woman who has been able to touch something very deep within me. I realized that all the time I wanted her out of my life was because I was afraid to love and was trying to fight against my feelings for her. Hugging her that afternoon did something to me. I planted a big kiss on her lips which strangely she returned with the same measure of thirst I felt for her. Somehow, I didn’t want her to know I was planning a wedding; I feared that piece of information would drive her away from me and I would never see her again. But I didn’t want to lie or hurt her should she get to find out from another source. We ended up in a food outlet where she told me about the collapse of her marriage after six months. The man has since remarried while she is still single. She ended up saying she shouldn’t have gone into it in the first place. At that juncture, I had no choice but to inform her about my pending wedding. She wished me well but told me she wouldn’t be able to make it as she would be out of town that weekend. Agatha, after that chance meeting; l lost interest in getting married to any other woman. I realized she will forever be the only woman for me. I want her for keeps. My best friend says I shouldn’t go ahead with the marriage feeling this way about my ex. He says, it would be best to disappoint my would-be-wife now than make both of us unhappy forever. My parents have given me the go ahead to put all wedding plans on hold if I am convinced that she isn’t the right woman for me. Their position is the same with that of my best friend. My mother says she would rather face the embarrassment now that have me being unhappy thereafter. Agatha, I am a bundle of confusion now. I can’t think straight. Is something wrong with me? Can I still go ahead with the wedding or do you think I should terminate it and marry the woman I am very sure would make a very good wife? I love my ex with everything in me. Please help me. The wedding with the other fixed for Saturday, June 1st. I don’t have much time on my hands. Your prompt response is needed. Edward. Dear Edward, Love is one emotion that makes the most wise among us act foolishly. True love can be very humbling. As you must have found out, you don’t get to choose love, instead it does the choosing. Most times, love gives to us people we would ordinarily not want within miles of our radius. When you had her at your side, you never did appreciate her because you were trying to select who you fall in love with. Thank God you discovered each other again because you made another mistake of marrying the wrong woman and making everybody unhappy at the end of it all. Since her ex husband has remarried, she is free to remarry. But before you contact your ex, call the woman in your life now and who would have become your wife if providence hadn’t stepped in to explain your feelings and regrets to her. Don’t expect her to pat you on the back because the timing is very wrong. But it is better than leading the poor woman into a marriage you know will never work. Explain to her that giving what you currently feel, your marriage to her will never work and that you will never be faithful to her. She is bound to be bitter, dejected and pained at whatever you have to say so beg her to forgive you because she really doesn’t deserve this treatment at all. You also owe her family a lot of apologies. It won’t be easy for them at all. Don’t neglect the fact that already they view their daughter married. Having it extinguished before it becomes reality would really affect them all. It is going to be a lot of anguish for the whole family so be mindful of how you present the matter to them. Much as you cannot help your feelings, you can help lessen the pains by what you say and how you say it. The situation you find yourself is very precarious so be careful how you go about it. As a matter of fact, get your parents involved. Your mother should go and see her mother first. Women have a way of tackling these things. A word of caution here; don’t tell them you have found someone else or flaunt your relationship with your ex now out of respect for the feelings of this woman and her family members. It would amount to rubbing salt on an open injury. Ditching her few days to her wedding could make her harm herself or go into deep depression. Finding out you did it because of another woman could make her go berserk. You owe it to her, if for nothing to be discreet so she can heal faster and have the confidence to fall in love with another man again. It is you that isn’t in love with her; for all you know, she might be so much in love with you. If you can afford it, relocate to another place. Though she may never want to see you again, but follow up your physical apologies with a letter detailing all her unique qualities and how you wish things didn’t end this way. Let her know she would one day thank you for causing these pains when she finds that special man that has what you don’t have to make her very happy. It is extremely important you do your best to make her reasons with you, if not now but later in life. While you pray for God’s blessings in your current relationship, plead with God to find a perfect replacement for you in her life. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is a terror

Dear Agatha, My marriage is just three months old. My father-in-law is a very good man, the kind of father I prayed for. I lost my father last year and he has become a fine replacement for him. Since marrying his son, he has been there for me, telling me things he knows will help me live a wonderful life with my husband. Through him, I got to know what kind of things to avoid and what to hold tightly to. He even went as far to teach me how to make his son’s favorite food which incidentally is also his. He said his mother used to cook it for him and that my husband fell in love with the food too when he went to live with her. His wife, my stepmother-in-law is also an angel. Unless one is told she isn’t the biological mother of my husband, you won’t know from the way she dots on my husband and his elder brother. Her daughters and son accord their elder brothers every respect they deserve. On the other hand, my mother-in-law is a terror. She is divorced from my father-in-law. I learnt she didn’t also last long in her second marriage. She is in her third marriage. For some strange reasons, she and I didn’t get off on a good start. But being the younger woman, I have tried my best to be civil and to avoid getting into her wrong side. But with her latest decision and desire, there is no way I can avoid it. About three weeks ago, she packed into my house without notifying me or her son. I came back from work to meet her fully installed in my guest room. She even had my sister staying with us made a different kind of meal for her, different from the one I instructed them to make. As if that wasn’t enough, she brought some clothes including her underwears she wanted my sister to wash. Out of respect, she did but left out the pants. When I came back home, my sister was very angry and indicated her interest to go if she was staying. I waited for my husband to come back home before saying anything. He too didn’t like the idea of his mother coming and tried to persuade her to go back to her husband’s house. Rather than face her son, she started raining curses on me and members of my family. There was nothing she didn’t say, including manipulating her son to favor his father instead of her; my husband and I bought a car for the father during his birthday. She told everyone who cared to listen that I will not enjoy peace in her son’s home. Its been hell for me. My husband has been begging me but every day she spends in our home is hell. My father-in-law and his wife are currently in Ghana; I don’t know if I should call him to report the development in my home. Every night, I hear her cursing any woman who will not allow her enjoy her son. What do I do? I am not cut out for her kind of person. Please help me because I am getting fed up and won’t mind leaving her son for my peace of mind. I haven’t told my mother because she is yet to recover from my father’s death which affected her badly due to their closeness. Telling her what I am going through might kill her. Agatha, please help me. Morayo. Dear Morayo, Every page of marriage is a lesson in endurance, sacrifices, patience and wisdom. Unfortunately, these experiences are the kinds nobody talks about. Even those who attempt to share their stories often than not hiss, sigh through the story. At the end of the day, the story is never fully told due to the desire to protect one’s marriage and image. Morayo, I assure you that whatever you are going through isn’t strange at all. If every married woman is to write her experience, you will find that we are all confronted in our different homes with similar situations; the only difference being in the faces of the actors. Even your mother-in-law who is your major headache now also went through a similar situation as a young wife. If the women before you survived to become mothers-in-law in the same homes they were victimized and traumatized as a wife then you will survive your ordeal. All you have to do is ask God for the grace to develop a thick skin to endure your mother-in-law. You will definitely out-live her as long as you have the determination to make your marriage work. There is no avoiding this kind of confrontation in most marriages. It will always happen because she sees you as someone vying for the love of the son she has always had to herself. One day when you too become a mother-in-law you will understand some of her sentiments. It takes the grace of God for a mother to let go completely especially if the wife of her son, tries to stop her from having access to him. There is no way a mother won’t get upset if she remembers all she went through in producing the man this younger woman is trying to monopolise. Is it the agony of the early days of pregnancy or the sleepless nights of worries when sick or going through life’s many changes that she went through with him? For these reasons, don’t worry whatsoever about her attitude towards you. Her desire is to have and keep the love of her son. Like most women in her shoes, she is trying to protect her territory; especially as she has no husband to keep her company. In your case, she is a handful because all her attempts at marriages have failed. Although she is refusing to say anything, she is lonely hence her decision to move into your home. Whether you like it or not, your husband is her son therefore owes her a certain degree of loyalty. This is something you must not attempt to deny both of them because they have been part of each other’s lives before you came in. The only thing is that she is over-doing it, placing curses on you. Whenever she does that, tell yourself it isn’t your portion and that at any rate, you have no intention of stopping her from having peace in her son’s house. From experience, women like her are difficult to win over because not only have they developed their ideas of what they want but are very determined to make sure her ways are the only right ones. Her kind needs idiotic patience to win over. Since you know she is impossible in many ways, try to ignore her when she begins. See her attitude as being part of who she is, an extention of the man you love. This way, you will to some extent tolerate her excesses while also working on your husband to do all he can to stop her from placing curses on you. If your husband taps into the natural love every mother has for her child, to plead with her not to curse you since he will be worst affected should anything happen to you. If you can both afford it, spend your weekends away from home. Leave on Friday and come back on Sunday evening. This way, you will reduce your time with her as well as have something to look forward to. This kind of sacrifice will help protect your mind and marriage from all the things she is doing or saying. As for your sister, it might be advisable for her to leave. Get an elderly woman to come in thrice in a week to clean the house for you. Such a woman would have the tact and experience to handle your mother-in-law’s tantrums. There is no way your sister can refuse to go on errands for her. It will eventually lead to more complications for you. The fact that she is unable to keep a home isn’t your business at all. You know what the reactions of your father-in-law would be to her staying in your house. Don’t try to play one against the other. They are both your parents-in-law. During her own birthday, no matter what, also give her a worthy gift to balance your act. Learn to be fair to her, in her shoes, how would you feel? Even if she is the most terrible person in the world, she deserves some attention too from her son. This is one reason you must be determined to make your own marriage work despite her attitude. She is obviously suffering for some ill-conceived decisions she made in the past but the lessons of life is all about healing old wounds. The more you all ignore her, the more bitter and unbearable she becomes. A little love and endurance from you can change her. She cannot give love because she never had it but, you have love so give it to her! Good luck.

How can I satisfy my man sexually?

Dear Agatha, What is the difference between sex and love-making? I am confused. I have read you on this topic before, but I am still confused. I want to be able to make my husband happy. I don’t want him going outside our home for any fun. Please be my sex teacher. Alero. Dear Alero, There is a world of difference between sex and love-making. Anybody can have sex, but only few people know the magic behind love-making. Just as it is true that not every couple know what love-making is. Sex is like glancing through a book while love-making is reading through a book and paying attention to the last details. Our interpretation of the act is what makes one stop at sex and another at love-making. Often, men and women think once a man can be intimate with a woman, it makes him an expert in the act of intimacy, whereas it takes more than the actual act to make it a memorable experience. If you want to make the difference in your marriage, give freedom to your imagination to run wild. And for a woman who wants to give her husband the best, don’t pretend or be shy in telling him what you want to do, as well as what you want from him. Often, women shy away from the idea of appearing too exposed when it comes to the issue of sex. If only women realise that once in the bedroom with a man, there is no morality. A woman who seeks to keep her man in line, and doesn’t want another taking her place, must be willing to give him the full benefit of being married. Being prime and proper isn’t for the bedroom; she should be a mix of naughty and mischievous. She should be daring and bold in getting what she wants from her man. As a married woman, you must come to the full realisation that you don’t owe anybody apologies for being one. You must explore every avenue your gender, age and position as a wife provides you to explore the mystery of sex. Perish the Sunday School teaching about sex being for procreation. It is more than that! It is both a recreational and bonding tool. It is a weapon a wise woman uses in reminding her man where the real power in a marriage is. It is also a weapon a woman should use in bringing her man to his knees whenever he strays. Women who fight over their men don’t know the power they have through love-making. So, from this early in your marriage, make up your mind to be wild and experiment when in the bedroom with your husband. Give him something to always take away with him when going out or travelling as well as something to look forward to when coming back. Keep him guessing what the menu will be for the day. This way, he cannot predict if he is coming home to a normal session or a wild one. Don’t forget that you have been licensed to do whatever you want with him in the bedroom. Be his commercial sex-worker; do what you think would make it impossible for him to look anywhere. You do this through detailed exploration of his body; make his entire body, from his scalp to the sole of his feet, your canvass. From his response, you will know when you have hit target. Store your information in your memory for future use. Such knowledge is always handy when there is a disagreement in the home. It helps, in a naughty way, to resolve issues that would have taken longer to settle. A word of warning though: good sex goes hand in hand with respect. If a woman is the best in bed, without respect for her husband, she will not enjoy her marriage. Good luck!