He is a nuisance to the family

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for the wonderful works you are doing. God will reward you immensely. My problem has to do with my girlfriend’s elder brother who has been a thorn in the flesh of their family. He intimidates, maltreats and beats up anyone who challenges his excesses. He even insults the parents at the slightest provocation. He has no regard for anybody no matter who the person is. Though not the eldest, but he holds the family to hostage because the eldest brother is very quiet. My girl is worried. Their parents are already suffering silently. Honestly, it is driving me nuts but my hands are tied since I am not yet married to the girl. Please I need mature advice on how to handle this issue before I cross the line. Mr. John Dear Mr. John, Your business in that family is with your girlfriend and not with the brother or how a brother of hers conducts himself. That is purely their family issue which in many ways doesn’t concern you. The boy has been like that before you came into the girl’s life. The family nurtured him into the monster that he has become. There is no way you can divorce his parents from all the kinds of behavior he is putting up or the family from the monster that he has become. Often than not, the refusal of parents to address and deal with certain kinds of behavior in a child breed this kind of attitude. Usually it begins from over indulgence to outright show of favoritism of a particular child. This explains why the entire family structure is lame in dealing with what you term his excesses. His behavior didn’t start today; the indulgence to let him be or that he will outgrow it started from his nascent years. The family since he was a child has condoned his nature, kept encouraging him to be rude and rebel against those who dare to correct him. At times too, the indifference of a family to a particular child could instigate this kind of behavior. Either way the fault begins with the wrong training and attitudes the child is exposed to early in life. Sincerely, you will be taking on the same system that scripted him to who he is now if you fight him. Initially, your girlfriend and her family may salute your courage to confront the dilemma but at the end of the day, some members of the family will ask among themselves what your business in the whole matter really is. To avoid unnecessary confrontation with members of your girlfriend’s family, all you can do is to try to reason with him; that is if you have the kind of temperament to handle his kind of person. For you to do a successful job of addressing the issue you must be someone who has a mild temper because violence cannot be used in addressing violence. What he needs is a firm person to put him right. With the way you have spoken on the matter, you obviously don’t have the kind of patience to find out from him what the real problems are. If you must get involved, ask your girlfriend the genesis of her brother’s problems. Without you having a clear cut idea of how everything happened, you cannot just jump into it half way. The information you garner from your girlfriend will put you in the right picture of things. Knowledge is important in crisis resolution everywhere in the world. You cannot confront the boy alone without also finding out the contributions of his parents and siblings to the situation at hand. If you want a holistic approach to it, sit down with the parents to find out how you can be of help to them concerning the resolution of the crisis in their home. They must be convinced that your concern is real and aimed at helping them come to terms with the challenge of their lives. In addition your girlfriend’s brother also has to be persuaded that you are not condemning of him but a friend who understand the workings of his mind. Even if you don’t, your approach should give him certain assurances that he can trust you to a certain extent; enough to make him want to take you into his confidence. Just be the friend he needs at all times. It is the best way to handle people like him. To fight him would weaken your position and your intentions to be of assistance to your girlfriend and family. In addition, entrust him into the hands of God; it is important. There is nothing a good intentioned prayer cannot achieve. Good luck.

I need a man to share my life with

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Words alone cannot describe God’s awesomeness in your life. You are a blessing to this generation. I know you have the ability and capability to do this for me. Please Agatha, connect me with an individual, home or abroad for a union. I am 39 years, with two girls both are in the university with the first one in final year. I work in one the financial institutions as a contract staff and comfortable with my earnings. I have never been married in my life. I had those girls for the same man after the loss of my parents when I was much younger and without direction, due to his maltreatment and no one to caution him, I ran away leaving the kids for him. Since the girls are in the university both of us have been caring for them from our different locations. He is based in Zaria and works with a bank. I live in Lagos. If the children are on vacation, they come to spend their holidays with me. Presently, I am alone because they have gone back to school. It’s really pretty lonely staying alone. All I have are small boys wanting a relationship with me; something I oppose to. I want matured man for marriage. I know you can do this for Agatha, please. The man can be a divorcee or a widow with children who might not want children again. Please help me scrutinize any man who responds to my request. Lonely Woman. Dear Lonely Woman, Like we discussed on the phone, I don’t match-make. I am a firm believer in people meeting and making their own choices. But knowing and having experienced loneliness before, I know what you feel and how the days can appear very long if it lacks the presence of a soul-mate. It is a good thing you have eliminated the kinds of men you will never date. It helps to keep you focused and maintain your respect as a woman. This is important but beyond the issue of finding the right man to share your life with is how you can be happy with yourself. The right man will only make you complete but cannot give you absolute happiness if you don’t learn how to interpret your happiness. Knowing what constitutes pleasure to you will help you to recognize the qualities to look out for in any man that comes your way. The challenge here goes beyond the marital status of the man you are looking for. He must have that something extra special to keep you happy just as you must have the knowledge of what he wants to stay happy with you. A woman or man begins the plan of a happy home before meeting the right person. At 39, you are no longer a green spring; by now you should have long buried idealism for realism. You cannot afford to make mistakes at this delicate stage in your life; you must be very clear about what your responsibilities and duties are to the man you want to share your life with just as you must be certain of the least you can go in any kind of relationship. This is where you need to focus your interest; the inner treasure of a man rather than what he looks like or what he doesn’t have. Therefore in addition to him being single either through divorce or death of his spouse, what other qualities do you want in the man you want to share your life? Make up your mind before he comes so that the goal post will be properly positioned from the beginning. Don’t because you want to get married, pretend about certain things; be truthful to yourself at your inabilities and abilities. It will help you and the man you want talk frankly about your expectations from each other and in the relationship. You need to do this not just for yourself but for your daughters who will be affected also by the choice you make now. And to you male readers, who qualify; please get in touch with her through me. Good luck.