Dear Agatha,
The blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ will continue to give you wisdom as you use it to touch the lives of so many people of God.
I am a 22-year-old undergraduate student of the University of Nigeria, Nsukka.
There is this man I met when I was in JSS 3. We are from the same village. He is a businessman at Abuja. To my best knowledge, he loves me with all his heart and gives me all I require. He trained me from SS1 to the level I am now.
The challenges I am facing with him are numerous. Apart from being hot tempered, he doesn’t know God and smokes Indian hemp. Until I saw a butt of Indian hemp wrap under his bed, he has always denied smoking the weed.
My several attempts to convert him to God have kept creating problems for us. We have a secret covenant that, no matter what, we will remain for each other He swears to kill me if I ever leave him for another man. When he notices that some suitors were coming, he went to my dad warning him not to give me to any one else he will kill himself and me. He angrily fixed our traditional wedding for Sunday, May 2 this year. I am very confused because many suitors are seeking my hand in marriage but I am afraid, I don’t want to die.
Should I proceed with the traditional wedding? I don’t know what to do. Guide me, please.
Ada.
Dear Ada,
He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. At what point did you notice all these faults in him? Is it now that you are almost graduating with the prospects of a better life than you ever hoped for? When other men who ordinarily wouldn’t have taken notice of you had you stopped your education at the secondary level are now coming for your hand in marriage?
How come you didn’t notice his temper, hemp smoking habit and his lack of closeness to God all these while? While you can claim not to know about his addiction to the weed; there is no way you can claim ignorance about his relationship with God as well as his temper.
To be candid, you would appear an ingrate if you left this man to marry another man after training you from SSS 1 to the university level.
Sincerely this is the time for you to be honest about what you really feel for this man. What in the first place made you agree to go out with him and also marry him? Was it love for his person or the quality of his pocket? Would you have stayed with him for that length of time if he wasn’t investing in you financially, paying your fees and picking up your other bills? Beyond the reasons you have given for wanting to balk at your earlier agreement to marry him, what is the real reason? If you are honest enough to admit it to yourself without looking for an excuse to quit, you will be able to make the right decisions.
The truth is, no matter how much logic is put into making you honour your promise with this man, unless you are willing to, there is nothing anybody can do to make you stay in the relationship. Honestly, it appears you are looking for an excuse to dump this man for someone else and even if he changes from the person you say he is to another person, you will keep finding faults to fulfil your present fantasy.
Perhaps you need time to be alone; to critically appraise what you want for life. Irrespective of the justification of what you are about to do, unless you are prepared to go along with the plans, it won’t work. This man would need your co-operation to be happy in the marriage. For this reason, you must take time off to be alone to properly study your feelings for this man with a view of mapping out the way you think is best for you.
When you confronted him with the wrapped hemp, what were his reactions? Did he apologise or bluffed his way through? How do you present the case of your dislikes to him? In anger or humility? How have you been trying to convert him? To change someone from a particular way to another way isn’t usually done by force or decree. A lot of your examples must come from your own attitudes and reasoning. You have to provide him with the evidence of positive changes waiting for him through your own behaviour. If you nag, there is no way he would be compelled to come over to your side of the world. You must ensure you reflect the attitude of Jesus Christ in everything you do to lead him all right. Religion is more about faith in the things we don’t see than in what we see. He has to feel something extra special in your person to follow you to Christ. This kind of change too comes from prayers. You have to learn to stand in gap for him through prayers and fasting to get through to his heart.
However, you should be guided by fairness and sincerity for you to be happy with what you end up with. One thing is clear, this man must feel something appreciable for you to have taken the risk to train you through senior secondary school and the university. You aren’t his responsibility and he has no reason to have done what he did if his intentions for you weren’t honourable. Whatever you do, always remember this.
If your decision is to leave him on account of his dependence on hemp, be bold and honest to say so.
Whatever decision you take, ensure it is the truth because that is what would save you from whatever repercussions that follow a wrongly motivated decision.
Good luck.
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