Wednesday, August 10, 2011

What can I do to stop feeling horny?

Dear Agatha,
I marvel at the level of intelligence you exhibit when handling even the most difficult and dicey situation. More grace to your elbow.
I am a 26 year old mother of one. My husband left for the United States a year after my son was born and since then hasn’t returned, not because he can’t come back but making frantic efforts for us to join him which I prefer though. It’s been two years since he left and I have not had sex because I am a good Christian and wouldn’t want to commit adultery which I know God detests. I also vowed not to cheat on my husband because he is the best man in the universe and he wouldn’t cheat on me either. But sometimes, I feel horny and at times so strong that I end up masturbating.
My question is, is it a sin to masturbate; even though I have not seen it mention in the Bible? If you say it’s a sin, what do you suggest I do when I feel horny or what can I do to stop feeling horny.
Worried Jane.

Dear Worried Jane,
If we are to go religious on this issue, we would be caught in a web of unnecessary controversies because there are those who think sex and the Bible, two strange fellows. And being a woman, you are not expected to feel any emotions without your husband. The thought of you masturbating in it self, calls to question your claims to be a true Christian.
Besides, anything that goes outside the norm of a man and woman sleeping together inside matrimony is considered a sin; so, we would not provoke needless debate by pegging your solutions solely on religion. For these reasons, l would prefer to address this issue from the view point of what is practicable as well as workable for you and your marriage.
Every marriage has a cross of its own. The amount of sacrifices as well as wisdom a couple puts into the solution of a particular kind of problem goes a long way in ensuring the success or otherwise of a marriage.
Realistically, there is no way you won’t feel horny. It is natural. Once the body is accustomed to having sex, it would always demand for it no matter how hard one tries to discipline it. Being young, there is little or nothing you can do about not having such feelings occasionally. It is your season and reason for being a woman. After all, you are married and is only being forced by circumstances to live as a spinster. Having been used to waking and sleeping with a man by your side, there is no way you won’t feel the loneliness of his absence or not remember those warm nights you spent in his arms. To try to deny that you miss him is like saying those moments never happened.
Since your husband isn’t around and you don’t want to betray your vows, your best option is to masturbate. It is healthier and medically safe because you risk no disease or unwanted pregnancies.
What you are doing is finding a natural way for your emotions to have an outlet. If you fail to provide your body with one, chances are you would fall into the uglier temptation of having sex with a man who isn’t your husband, thereby committing the unforgivable offence of adultery.
Sex is like a huge dam of water. Once it gets restless and full, it must be released to control the negative effect on the environment of it overflowing its banks. If you refuse to deal with your feelings, it would deal with you in such a way it would destroy your home and reputation.
Because masturbation is helping you to preserve the dignity of your home and person, don’t feel bad about yourself. It is a stop-gap between you and your husband. For now there is no harm as long as when you join your husband, it doesn’t take his place in your life or become your passion instead of him.
Your situation has made it inevitable for you to find succor in it for the general well being of your home. As long as it is done with decency, decorum and when necessary, don’t feel bad or allow anyone to make you feel you are dirty. This is absolutely important because yours is a child of necessity and not one you developed because you are looking for more excitement.
There comes a time in our lives when we are forced into making some choices we would ordinarily not consider. This is one of those times. It helps to be very honest when one gets to these junctions. What works for one person may not work for another. While one woman maybe strong emotionally to resist the temptation of not being with her husband for years, another woman simply cannot do without sex for more than a day. Another group can manage but occasionally want it desperately. Being honest with one’s capabilities helps to point one at a very clear solution to a particular problem.
Beyond this, there is the need for you and your husband to talk as sincerely as possible about your situation. Let him know how his absence is affecting you and how if nothing is done by him could expose your marriage to unnecessary danger. If he can cope, don’t pretend you can. He should understand how his absence is affecting you emotionally and how at 26, you are at your very high and sensitive. Make him understand there is a limit to the temptations you can be exposed to.
He appears to be taking his time because you are giving him the impression you can cope well with his absence. The moment he knows you are missing his intimacy, is aware of what you are doing to keep from betraying him, he would make haste.
A lot of times, we invite troubles in our homes and lives by our refusal to talk about our fears and difficulties. If both of you are not careful, it will come to a time when your bodies would demand more than masturbation; when it would demand for the whole thing. By then, it might be almost impossible to stop yourself from doing what you don’t want to do.
Two years is a long time in the life of any marriage. It has gotten to that crucial point when you and your husband have to define what is important to your marriage and to the two of you. Money is desirable but we need a family to make that money appreciable.
Unless you both put in the necessary efforts to make this marriage work, this distance may pull it down. Talk to your husband. It is important.
In addition, you need the strength of God to continue to resist the larger and more damaging temptation.
Good luck.

She doesn’t want me but I love her

Dear Agatha,
Thanks for the counsel you have been providing in helping others in their love lives. I must say you have directly and indirectly impacted great wisdom on those who find your advices important to their love lives.
I do appreciate the last article wherein you advice this man who is in love with this particular lady who unfortunately sees him as only a friend.
I have a case that is similar to this and find your advice very important and constructive. I once had a lady whom I approached for a relationship four years ago. She came up to me this year to say after several times of turning my request down that I did not really inform her officially about my interest in her. She insisted I was too close to her after I asked for her out hence saw me more as a big brother who never failed to give her whatever she asked for including well intentioned advices. From the time I approached her for a relationship to now, none of the boys she has dated has been able to make her happy. They have kept disappointing her.
Now she sees herself as a virus and as such is careful not to infest me with her not too good past but no matter what, I still love her. But of recent I went to see a pastor who told me to allow her be.
I think I still need your advice on how I should continue to relate with her as well as how frequent my visits to her should be. I don’t know if I should stop visiting her to enable me wean myself of this passion I feel for her.
Worried Reader.

Dear Worried Reader,
Pointless to continue in a game in which you are the sole player. It can’t be fun to be in love with a person who isn’t in love with you. She has told you, she sees you as a big brother. It isn’t everybody we are in love with that would reciprocate our feelings. Relationship is a gamble; sometimes we win and at other times we lose.
Your concern should be your own cure and well-being. There is no way you can be have the emotional equilibrium to be fall in love with another woman if you don’t do something about your current emotional web.
Accept your feelings for this woman as one of those things that isn’t meant to be. Move away from her for the time being to give yourself the strength to build up your resistance to her.
Good luck.