Dear Agatha,
I’m 28, staying with my eldest sister. She married with three children, two boys and a girl.
Although we have always known within the family that her husband is a tough nut to crack, but had always come across as a loving and dedicated father and husband. I didn’t know things were very bad between my sister and husband until I came to live with them after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme.
Staying with them exposed me to the marital hardship my sister was facing. Even though he provides for his family, he is not always there for them. He leaves home early and comes back when everyone is asleep and what more they don’t share a bedroom. He refuses her meals so she has stopped cooking for him. And when around, he only has time for his children. The relationship between him and my sister is very cold. They don’t relate as a couple at all. Most nights I hear my sister banging on his door to be let in but he never opens his door.
Needless to say my sister isn’t happy and has confided her frustration as well as her willingness to get a young lover to fill the void being created by her husband.
My sister has always been a highly sexually active woman. She happens to be one of those women who can’t do without a man by her side, so I know precisely what she is going through. In her younger days she never lacked the company of a man at any point in time.
I also happen to know that unless her man comes back to his senses, my sister would get herself a lover outside her home. She is barely holding on to her self-will. Already her group of friends is arranging one of their young lovers for her. I overheard a telephone conversation between her and one of them. From her end of the discussion, I knew what they were up to.
I’m really confused and don’t know how to handle this. Much as I don’t approve of her husband’s behaviour, staying away from his family all the time and refusing to pay the slightest attention to his wife when around, yet I don’t think what my sister is about to do is right.
Please help me find a solution to my sister’s marital problem before it is too late. They have been married for 11 years.
Tutu.
Dear Tutu,
I think you should begin by asking your sister the whole truth concerning her marriage. It is important she tells you everything about her marriage and the things she has done within it.
There is the likelihood she may have done one or two things to make your brother-in-law so determined to avoid her completely. It must be very serious for him to have rejected her body and food.
It’s always convenient to blame this type of situation on the man, but sometimes the man is only reacting to something his wife has done too shameful and painful to be brought into the open.
If she were that dissatisfied with the whole set up, she wouldn’t have stayed on for these numbers of years. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you.
In getting her to talk, ask her if this man has always been like this and if not, when did he change. If they have three children together, it means at one point, they enjoyed intimacy. And if true your sister is the type of woman that can’t do without the company of a man, she couldn’t have endured the marriage without constant intimacy for this long.
Whatever is happening between them must be a recent development to have made her endured this long. This is underscored by her desire to have a young lover outside her home. It is important you know if this is her first time of thinking along this line and if in the time past, she has done it, something her husband may have found out.
If she keeps company with women who don’t see anything wrong in having affairs outside their homes and has a nature that is constantly craving for male company, don’t you think she may have done something to make her husband this determined to keep her out of his life?
Knowing the challenge you are at stake would make your task easier and more achievable. Without you arming yourself with facts, you risk deteriorating things between them and putting yourself directly on the firing line between the couple. If you must do a good job, learn not to be biased else you end up alienating one of the parties from your peace effort from the beginning.
What she tells you would inform your next move. If she has been unfaithful, the ideal thing to do would be to plead with the man for forgiveness. It might involve an older member of your family coming to plead on behalf of your sister and also to talk to her about her duties to her husband and marriage.
Being older than you, you may not be able to tell your sister some cold facts. Getting somebody, your mother to share her marital experiences with your sister as well as tell her the bitter truths concerning her conduct would also help a great deal.
The problem could also come from the type of friends she keeps. If her husband suspects her friends of being bad influences on his wife and has repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to free her from their claws, he could decide on this action, just to push home his point.
His behaviour may be instigated by an ultimatum given her by him to either change her friends or forfeit her marriage. If this is the case, let your sister do away with such friends because they would eventually ruin her completely.
Arranging a boyfriend for her is not a panacea. No good friend would recommend such an abominable act as an antidote for marital problem. Friends are supposed to positively encourage their friend, to give courage when things look as if they would never get better in her marriage, not offer complications like your sister’s friends are offering.
Frankly, these are not the type of friends a responsible married woman desirous of staying married should associate with. They have the potentials of destroying whatever chance your sister may have in making peace with her husband.
What more, these kinds of friends, out of jealousy or desperation, are also capable of telling tales against each other to gain the attention or affection of their men? Irrespective of the wrongs of her husband, your sister too isn’t entirely blameless for what is happening in her home.
A woman who sees nothing wrong in dating other men outside her marriage is capable of doing anything to her man.
It is also pertinent you ask your sister if she is still interested in the marriage sufficiently to give up some of her habits and submit to her husband.
Banging on her husband’s door at night for his attention isn’t a solution for a woman whose husband cannot withstand her company. It would only aggravate the situation between them. What she should do is to first properly address the issue that gave rise to the situation between them to such a level that he would notice even in the few minutes he spends with his children. If that is not enough a time, she should visit him in the office. Being an official place and not wanting a scandal, he would be forced to listen to whatever it is she has to say. It may at first appear insufficient or waste of time, but over time he would come to appreciate the effort she is putting into it as long as she stays matured and patient.
That he is still providing for the family and has not asked her to vacate his home means it is not a lost case. Somewhere, in all these, he cares enough to play his role as a responsible father to his children. This is the angle your sister should work on too. A mother and woman know the right kind of button to press in her child or husband to get good results. It is the mystery of her dual position in the lives of her family members. If your sister is truly ready to help her marriage get back on the right track, she must have the determination to do unusual things to accomplish her desire like getting the children to invite their father to share their meals with them when he is around. Children are about the most powerful pressure group in the world. Once the seed is planted in them, she can bet they would help her get their father to eat at home. This is one point you must underline for her.
Before calling for external help, make the effort to talk to your brother-in-law too. Hear his side of the story his reason for his behaviour and how he thinks you can help improve the situation in his home.
It can’t be a bed of roses for him too to have to deal with the situation in his home the way it is now. Not all men enjoy leaving home early and coming back late without having to see or interact with their children.
Unfortunately, in avoiding the woman in the house, the children are the ones suffering the deprivation of quality time with their parents. While one is hardly around, the other lacks the emotional peace to be a good company for them.
Both your sister and husband must be told about the psychological damage they are visiting on their children. And they must be educated on how it destroys these innocent minds forever. The worst kind of injustice parents can do is to ignore the fact that children have a stake in the marriage and that they are the ones mostly affected by the situation in the house.
They must be told that they should for the sake of these children quickly resolve the problem between them.
Importantly, stand in gap for them spiritually by praying their marriage out of this situation. A marriage where the fear and presence of God is in short supply will never be happy for those involved.
Good luck.
I’m 28, staying with my eldest sister. She married with three children, two boys and a girl.
Although we have always known within the family that her husband is a tough nut to crack, but had always come across as a loving and dedicated father and husband. I didn’t know things were very bad between my sister and husband until I came to live with them after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme.
Staying with them exposed me to the marital hardship my sister was facing. Even though he provides for his family, he is not always there for them. He leaves home early and comes back when everyone is asleep and what more they don’t share a bedroom. He refuses her meals so she has stopped cooking for him. And when around, he only has time for his children. The relationship between him and my sister is very cold. They don’t relate as a couple at all. Most nights I hear my sister banging on his door to be let in but he never opens his door.
Needless to say my sister isn’t happy and has confided her frustration as well as her willingness to get a young lover to fill the void being created by her husband.
My sister has always been a highly sexually active woman. She happens to be one of those women who can’t do without a man by her side, so I know precisely what she is going through. In her younger days she never lacked the company of a man at any point in time.
I also happen to know that unless her man comes back to his senses, my sister would get herself a lover outside her home. She is barely holding on to her self-will. Already her group of friends is arranging one of their young lovers for her. I overheard a telephone conversation between her and one of them. From her end of the discussion, I knew what they were up to.
I’m really confused and don’t know how to handle this. Much as I don’t approve of her husband’s behaviour, staying away from his family all the time and refusing to pay the slightest attention to his wife when around, yet I don’t think what my sister is about to do is right.
Please help me find a solution to my sister’s marital problem before it is too late. They have been married for 11 years.
Tutu.
Dear Tutu,I think you should begin by asking your sister the whole truth concerning her marriage. It is important she tells you everything about her marriage and the things she has done within it.
There is the likelihood she may have done one or two things to make your brother-in-law so determined to avoid her completely. It must be very serious for him to have rejected her body and food.
It’s always convenient to blame this type of situation on the man, but sometimes the man is only reacting to something his wife has done too shameful and painful to be brought into the open.
If she were that dissatisfied with the whole set up, she wouldn’t have stayed on for these numbers of years. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you.
In getting her to talk, ask her if this man has always been like this and if not, when did he change. If they have three children together, it means at one point, they enjoyed intimacy. And if true your sister is the type of woman that can’t do without the company of a man, she couldn’t have endured the marriage without constant intimacy for this long.
Whatever is happening between them must be a recent development to have made her endured this long. This is underscored by her desire to have a young lover outside her home. It is important you know if this is her first time of thinking along this line and if in the time past, she has done it, something her husband may have found out.
If she keeps company with women who don’t see anything wrong in having affairs outside their homes and has a nature that is constantly craving for male company, don’t you think she may have done something to make her husband this determined to keep her out of his life?
Knowing the challenge you are at stake would make your task easier and more achievable. Without you arming yourself with facts, you risk deteriorating things between them and putting yourself directly on the firing line between the couple. If you must do a good job, learn not to be biased else you end up alienating one of the parties from your peace effort from the beginning.
What she tells you would inform your next move. If she has been unfaithful, the ideal thing to do would be to plead with the man for forgiveness. It might involve an older member of your family coming to plead on behalf of your sister and also to talk to her about her duties to her husband and marriage.
Being older than you, you may not be able to tell your sister some cold facts. Getting somebody, your mother to share her marital experiences with your sister as well as tell her the bitter truths concerning her conduct would also help a great deal.
The problem could also come from the type of friends she keeps. If her husband suspects her friends of being bad influences on his wife and has repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to free her from their claws, he could decide on this action, just to push home his point.
His behaviour may be instigated by an ultimatum given her by him to either change her friends or forfeit her marriage. If this is the case, let your sister do away with such friends because they would eventually ruin her completely.
Arranging a boyfriend for her is not a panacea. No good friend would recommend such an abominable act as an antidote for marital problem. Friends are supposed to positively encourage their friend, to give courage when things look as if they would never get better in her marriage, not offer complications like your sister’s friends are offering.
Frankly, these are not the type of friends a responsible married woman desirous of staying married should associate with. They have the potentials of destroying whatever chance your sister may have in making peace with her husband.
What more, these kinds of friends, out of jealousy or desperation, are also capable of telling tales against each other to gain the attention or affection of their men? Irrespective of the wrongs of her husband, your sister too isn’t entirely blameless for what is happening in her home.
A woman who sees nothing wrong in dating other men outside her marriage is capable of doing anything to her man.
It is also pertinent you ask your sister if she is still interested in the marriage sufficiently to give up some of her habits and submit to her husband.
Banging on her husband’s door at night for his attention isn’t a solution for a woman whose husband cannot withstand her company. It would only aggravate the situation between them. What she should do is to first properly address the issue that gave rise to the situation between them to such a level that he would notice even in the few minutes he spends with his children. If that is not enough a time, she should visit him in the office. Being an official place and not wanting a scandal, he would be forced to listen to whatever it is she has to say. It may at first appear insufficient or waste of time, but over time he would come to appreciate the effort she is putting into it as long as she stays matured and patient.
That he is still providing for the family and has not asked her to vacate his home means it is not a lost case. Somewhere, in all these, he cares enough to play his role as a responsible father to his children. This is the angle your sister should work on too. A mother and woman know the right kind of button to press in her child or husband to get good results. It is the mystery of her dual position in the lives of her family members. If your sister is truly ready to help her marriage get back on the right track, she must have the determination to do unusual things to accomplish her desire like getting the children to invite their father to share their meals with them when he is around. Children are about the most powerful pressure group in the world. Once the seed is planted in them, she can bet they would help her get their father to eat at home. This is one point you must underline for her.
Before calling for external help, make the effort to talk to your brother-in-law too. Hear his side of the story his reason for his behaviour and how he thinks you can help improve the situation in his home.
It can’t be a bed of roses for him too to have to deal with the situation in his home the way it is now. Not all men enjoy leaving home early and coming back late without having to see or interact with their children.
Unfortunately, in avoiding the woman in the house, the children are the ones suffering the deprivation of quality time with their parents. While one is hardly around, the other lacks the emotional peace to be a good company for them.
Both your sister and husband must be told about the psychological damage they are visiting on their children. And they must be educated on how it destroys these innocent minds forever. The worst kind of injustice parents can do is to ignore the fact that children have a stake in the marriage and that they are the ones mostly affected by the situation in the house.
They must be told that they should for the sake of these children quickly resolve the problem between them.
Importantly, stand in gap for them spiritually by praying their marriage out of this situation. A marriage where the fear and presence of God is in short supply will never be happy for those involved.
Good luck.
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